Angel From Montgomery

Yo,

Good morning , I suspect you will read this when you get up.

Interesting line , learn to hate gambling not myself .

I remember just before I went into rehab, I hated myself so much that I could not bare to look at myself in the mirror . I would agree you that it was my choice to play the money I did . After my stint in hospital came to accept and understand a lot more about the power addiction has over a person. I do not think that this should be used as an excuse to give ourselves permission or an excuse to gamble , and I believe that we need to find the strength to fight it every day .

But it does not make bad people , in fact some of the traits a compulsive person shows , are good and positive behaviours , take the dedication shown by so many on this site . We I feel tend to focus on the negative about ourselves instead of the positive .

Everyday Joan you show such nice attributes that all your gang on here regard you as a friend and I know for sure are proud to walk along your side .

Be kind to you Hun , you are a truly lovely person .

Shiny xxxx

Thank you Shiny.

Good Morning Diary:

Day 1

That's right. I managed to do something last night that I have not done in ages. I sunk about as low as I could this time and turned to an online gambling site. Knowing full well what predators they are. I never had a problem with online gambling and I do not suspect I will. It was not for long and not for much but that does not matter. The point is; I told myself that I would not lie and regardless, of how I think and feel about them -- they count and I f cked up yet again. I am stuffing down grief. I do not want to sit around the house all day crying for someone who is gone anymore. So not only am I stuffing the sadness I am choking it down with resentment. I am stuffing anger towards my mother and to be honest I have no idea what to do about it. It rages me to think I might have to go back to a shrinks office. I feel so f**k ing stuck! It is day 1 for me because I have not been able to get right back on the path. This has been a full blown relapse. What did I learn? I learned that I can NEVER gamble. I get sucked right back in and lose everything. Since I have NO money it is not so much the money anymore. What I lose is more than money. I lose my self respect. My self confidence. All control over myself and I hate that. I hate that more than being broke. When P and I met 14 years ago we were both pretty broke and we did not care. We were very happy. I miss those days sometimes. Day 1 god dam n day mother ***** 1. I will be at square one for the rest of my life at this rate. No pity please. I do not want any. I do not deserve any. We all know what this is and I know the drill. Blocks on the computer now and find constructive things to do. I feel like beating the sh it out of something right now. I was being lazy. I could have worked through the urge but, shrugged instead. Day 1 day 1 day 1 day 1 day 1 f***k!!!!! -joanxxxx

Hello Joan,

I have never posted on your diary, but come across it a lot. Fully understand your anger and disapointment, but it's not the end of the world. Urges can come really strong, and they depend a lot on the emotional state. I just take a day at the time, and as i said before i don't know if i never place a bet again, don't want to think about it, if it happens- it happens. We can't beat ourselves for slips like that. Each one of them is making us stronger i believe. Maybe not the best post of support here, i just understand how you feel.

Take care of yourself and look forward never back

Sandra x

This is the **** version: I had a talk with mom. We processed more about the past. About Ed's passing... I feel sad and a little undone but, know that in a day or two will probably be better off for it all. I am trying desparately to heal the hole in my soul. I am trying to believe that it is even possible. Anyway, for me gambling is a symptom. I know that now. Just like eating myself to death. Same sh it. I am learning very slowly that ritual eating will never fill that empty space. Nor, could gambling ever stop the pain. I am beginning to think I might need some kind of a miracle. I'm scared because I get that gambling addiction like drinking is a progressive problem. Going to an online site was a wake up call. I just cannot gamble in any shape or form. Getting the genie back into the bottle is gonna be a fete. I see that now. -joanxxx

This is the **** version: I had a talk with mom. We processed more about the past. About Ed's passing... I feel sad and a little undone but, know that in a day or two will probably be better off for it all. I am trying desparately to heal the hole in my soul. I am trying to believe that it is even possible. Anyway, for me gambling is a symptom. I know that now. Just like eating myself to death. Same sh it. I am learning very slowly that ritual eating will never fill that empty space. Nor, could gambling ever stop the pain. I am beginning to think I might need some kind of a miracle. I'm scared because I get that gambling addiction like drinking is a progressive problem. Going to an online site was a wake up call. I just cannot gamble in any shape or form. Getting the genie back into the bottle is gonna be a fete. I see that now. -joanxxx

You are not alone, understand completely as in the same mindset, just seems the genie gets bigger every time and the bottle smaller but we CAN squash the b*****d back in and we WILL. Our combined weight squishing him he doesn't stand a chance.

On a serious note it is early days in respect of your grief so please be more gentle on yourself.

Sending a few extra hugs today.

xxx

Joan.

I have said it many times here and will say it again.

dont be to hard on yourself.

Addiction loves that, for us to torture ourselves a bit further, cast ourselves out with the trash.

Well you are worth more than that, You say your back to square one, I think you are further forward than that, by a long chalk.

We are all at day one in a sense, today is the day which is most important.

Today I share that with you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Day 2-

I am feeling a little less stuck today. Still processing the conversation with mom yesterday. Rainbows you are right and others have reminded me of this from time to time as well that 6 mos is not a long time when you knew and loved someone since childhood. Ed had a tremendous impact on my life and I will miss him for a long time. So many memories flooding back from childhood. I never realized how many times he saved me or got in the way of me getting hurt or in trouble. There is a part of me that just wants to sit in a dark corner and cry and another part that wants it to be all over with. Meanwhile, I have a life that won't wait. So, I will try to be patient with myself while grieving and try not to be a tricky addict bi t ch and use it as an excuse to gamble. There's no excuse for gambling. It's for chumps and I know it. I'll get stronger every day that I abstain and will be back in the saddle in no time. Today, I have to clean house because I have been laying around doing nothing for the last two days. I am on vacation for another week or so... It sucks because I love having the time off but I do not do well in idle. Oh well. ONE DAY AT A TIME. -joanxxxxx

Hiya Joan

Ain't that the truth ...( your post in my thread) ...lol

Depressingly hetrosexual and am bedding in to a life with Dotty in an unarrestable way..lol

Grief is a process and as we know can't be rushed ..in many ways when I look back at your posts Joan its an ongoing period of grief for you in many ways...grief at saying goodbye to the old Joan, Grief that your mum was not the mum that you needed , and grief over Ed..

That's a lot for one soul....

enjoy the rest of your vacation Joan...x

R and D xxx

Hey Joan,

It has taken me nearly 19 months to get to some state of peace with my dads death, and throughout that time I have gone through every emotion you could think of, Sadness, loss, pain, anger, hatred, indifference, comprehension, confusion, guilt.

I never knew what state i would wake up in from one day to the next but over the last few months I think i am moving towards understanding, I have found a place to hold my dad in my heart that brings me some peace.

My tattoo has brough me great comfort also...

Try and go with how your feeling its understandable... there is no time scale on grief so dont beat yourself up.

Take care

Blondie xxx

Hi Joan,

I hope you doing ok, and battling on. We all deal with losses diferent and it's never easy. Loved ones always stay with us deep in our hearts. Time will heal, don't stop believing.

Take care and carry on

Sandra

Everyone, thank you for the posts!

It's Friday:

Lots of urges but, no gambling. Yesterday was the 4th so, P was busy making potato salad, jello, and charring animal flesh on the grill out back. I pretty much, just ate like a dog. lol. The humidity was and remains insane. Heat index registers about 102 in the shade. I must have an entire bottle of product in my hair and it still looks like I stuck my finger into an electrical socket. I'm sitting here counting my pennies like a miser and scowling at mom and P for wanting to do a little shopping. Inside I am secretly plotting how to fund my next gambling stint. I am so sick of myself!! I could really relate to Rach's last post or two about needing to find things to calm my brain down. All of this anxiety has to do with idle time. I cannot stand to idle! So, that's me for the time being. I am not gambling but am being a sneaky gamble-bit ch at heart which I think might be worse. I will come clean and tell P and give her total license to go out and spend like a sailor because the last thing I need is any extra cash to use as toilet paper. Even that, would be a worthier use for my money than putting it into a slot machine! Blondie, you are so right about grief and the roller coaster ride of emotions that come with it. If this does not kill me it will make me stronger. I am beginning to understand the concept of progressive illness because, I have not gambled away the mortgage yet, BUT am aware that if I go on like this it will be only a matter of time before I do. Today, I will hand my pennies over to P and ma andwill hand my broken heart over to my HP. All I have to do then is to abstain from gambling. I think I can manage that just for today. joanxxxx

The great thing about P and ma out shopping is that I have the place to myself for an hour or so. I had a little rant and it actually felt good. I feel bad for our two corgies because they are super sensitive dogs and get anxious when the boss is upset. They want to fix it for me. If it wasnt so hot out I would take them both out in the yard but, honestly, this heat is not fit for man nor beast. This morning I thank the universe for three functioning air conditioning units. My life could be sooooooo much worse. I know that. I am grateful but, I am also very angry about alot of sh it. And, I am doing my best to work through it. Gambling only makes getting thru stuff like this that much worse. Folks have likened it to throwing gasoline on a fire and that is so true. Gonna go on youtube and give Cat People soundtrack a listen. -joanxxxx

Don't have a fire extinguisher but have a pretty nifty water pistol might just put out the flames. Trouble is its the embers that sizzle away and reignite but we can deal with those gradually day by day a little at a time with a few well aimed water bombs.

In the meantime anyone up for a waterfight.

Waving the Jolly Roger today.

xxx

Hey dragonfly! Love the new profile name! And, so glad you did not go far away!! I have been keeping myself very busy this weekend. We cleaned the basement and sold a bunch of stuff at a flea market yesterday... Just trying to stay sane and clean. It has been a bumpy ride so far and I am affraid I am still on the edge at times but, I like and agree with Rach when she says that a person needs to first be 100% honest with themselves. And, that is all I am trying to be for now. So, I am on the road and taking things slow and as they come. I am trying not to judge myself too harshly and have stopped trying to compare myself and my recovery with others. At the end of the day it's me and my personal best. So, gonna perk up another cup of joe and get busy around here. No gambling today. I have no time for it! -joanxxxx