Angel From Montgomery

Hey Cowgirl!

Thankyou for your kind post, it was very very sweet. It sure does help when someone says that they believe in you.

I believe in you too. I know that you too have struggled. Get back posting, I'm sure it will help you. Even if it's just your own diary for a bit until you feel like posting more.

Try and get yourself into that positive frame of mind - you know you can do it.

Keep strong

Ade

Hey Joan

Nice to see you here ..but I am also made up that you are out and about living life ...I'm still here "chunnering on" ...grumpy ol woman style..Walter Mathau ..lol

Yep ..I can see it now .."your honour ..I laid all my troubles here"..lol

I'm the same when folks start with the "nice " ...

Ring ring ..ring ring ...

"Hey Mr mortgage man..I can't meet my payments ,but here is 700 units of nice" ..knock yourself out! ..lol

Miss ya but I know you and P will be ok....xxxx...

Keep Cool And Carry On

R and D xx

Thanks for the reposts folks.

I guess, I am doing ok. A long way off from great but, ok is good for now. This is the first real chance I have had to sit in front of the computer all week. With P away in England of all places 🙂 at a conference I have not only my 8 hour job but, mom, the house and several pets to look after. It is definitely a two woman job! I guess the one of us having the hardest time with P being gone is our female corgi, winnie. She looks so sad and pitiful. I'm not the one that coos and coddles them all day. Ha ha. I'm pretty much the alpha and they mind me and try to please me-- more like being at work for them, I guess but, they miss all of the cuddling and coddling that P provides. Ha ha ha. So what else? Not much new. The heat is insane. Today is supposed to be the worst day with heat indexes flying upwards to 105 in some places. Driving home from work all week there were moments I thought my brains might actually be boiling. Folks flipping eachother off and hollering out the windows. Sad really. I am happy to be in my sweat pants and tee shirt hunkered down in front of the computer today. Will need to start shutting down electrical shortly tho because with all of the air conditioners going the state of Massachusetts is worried about a brown out. P wrote me the other day and said you all do not have air conditioning out there. You must be dying so, I will not complain at all about the heat any more. She is somewhere in Cambridge and will be there until Sunday. She is all excited about the prospect of the royal birth while she is out there. lol. Also something about some kind of cream topping you guys eat but, I cannot think of the name of it right now. Looks like cream cheese or butter or something. She sent me a picture of a pastry with a dollop of this "stuff" on it. Otherwise she is not too thrilled about the food where she is staying. Too bad Duncs couldnt hook her up with something yummy. I guess I am just blabbering on here. Someone commented the other day how we can turn these pages into the social hour. lol. I guess for me I had always understood recovery, the 12 step programs, and forums like these as fellowships and all work and no play can get really dull. Oh well. That's me today. No gambling but, I really wish I felt stronger in my resolve. Like the last time. I was so inspired then. This time I am just not feeling all that strong. And, I don't know why.... One day at a time. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan

Think we all get days like how ur feeling I know I av many times , ur av the knowledge though now to accept this and u know it will get better just doesn't seem like it today but it will

The weather is roasting here never been like it for years the British moan when its cold and moan when its hot no pleasing some , just got to get on with life we both know there's more things to worry bout than the weather

Hope tomorrow is a better day

Castle2

Joan.

That sounds like your P has found the clotted or cornish cream, the holy grail when it comes to cream, the one to bench mark all other creams lol!!!

As regards to social hour, I believe through recovery we have learnt to communicate with other folk for the shear pleasure of it.

In my gambling life i was only interested if it would help me fund a punt, today it's the polar opposite.

Keep making the right choice my friend it will reward you, in ways sometimes we take for granted.

Tell P we do have air con. 'open a window lol'

Take care my friend great to see you about the forum.

Good for this fella's soul.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks folks.

Hi Diary:

Up with the chickens today. Not much to say other than I no longer see gambling as something good or bad. I no longer see myself as good when I do not do it and bad when I do. It's a matter of just wanting more for me and mine these days and for me gambling is a distraction that keeps me from getting IT done whatever IT is. Like any other addiction it keeps me from growing as a person. Life passes me by. Like Rip Van Winkle. I guess ultimately, a person decides whether they want to live or die. Addiction is not for the living in my opinion. Oh well, that's me. Not in the bestest of moods but, quiet and in control. joanxxxx

Hey Judy,

I'm so proud of you for stepping forward and seeing life in different colors...As it's always been, life is not easy, but gambling surely is not the way out...You only need patience in this game, and life will start unfolding in front of your eyes itself...

There is good and bad, but my companion in this journey, it will be well rewarding at the end. We all deserve good and peaceful feelings, you are on a right path darling, keep it all up and don't look back.

Take care

Sandra x

Howdy Diary,

Same old same old. No gambling. Just work work work come home and crash. That's all for now. I guess that's enough. -joanxxxx

Joan

Glad to see the fog that clouds our judgement through gambling is not in your path my friend.

I like to think that gambling or the compulsion to punt until there's nothing left stops us from growing into who we should be.

It is like a weed it sufficates us, steals the light and our food, oh and when there's nowt left to give it moves on to the next victim.

glad you found the weed killer !!!

Keep spraying keep growing

Duncs stepping forwrd never back.

Thanks Duncs.

Hi Diary:

Still feeling pretty low. Got through the work week ok. Made all of the money I need to meet the August bills so, that is an accomplishment. I just feel so lousy and I don't know why. I was really stressed out the week P was away. I get myself so worked up. Then she tells me yesterday she nearly got hit by a bus in Cambridge because she had forgotten that folks drive on opposite sides in England. She stepped right into the street and directly in it's path. THAT is exactly why I fret the way I do. She said the bus missed her by a hair. She wasnt going to tell me but thought that by now I would think it was funny. Nope. Maybe I need an anitdepressant for awhile. Just something to give me a boost. I know lots of folks are not big fans of these including myself but, I am really flat at the moment and extremely vulneralble to bouts of stupidity. Anyway, that's me for tonight. Selfish, and too tired to read or write anymore. Forgive me peeps. I will get back in the saddle but, when who the hell knows. -joanxxxxx

Hi Joan, wrote in my diary then read yours and think we are both a bit saddlesore at the moment.

Just seems to be a zillion things to worry about at the moment and not a jot of change to be made by doing so but can't seem to get my head to understand the logic.

Here's hoping we both get along riding bareback for a time (for some reason that sounds rude but wasn't meant to be - must be thinking about your cooling technique of running naked in the hosepipe spray).

Glad P is safe and well and we didn't squish her.

Thanks for caring

xxx

Hey Joan

Sorry to hear you are not 100% ...and I hope P is not too shaken up...

Thing is if you need some help in the form of tablets then that is what you must do as that is recognising you need help and self care.

You know what I'm like ..I'd have both legs chopped off and still not ask for help which makes me an idiot as its too extreme and self defeating.

Whatever it takes to keep you on the right road is never a bad thing.

R and D xx

Thanks Duncs, Dragonfly, and Rach....

I am here to once again confess to all that we -- both P and I have sunk to the low. Taken money we did not have and ran with it to the casino only to lose it and then more trying to gain back what was lost. I have stopped blaming casino moguls and folks who think there is such a thing as a controlled bet for a gambling addict. I am lying here in the gutter and have to say that I appreciate the debate as of late because it made me laugh. At least I have not lost my sense of humor in all of this. What works for me is not having access to ANY money. We earn just enough to pay our debts and to live off of. We have no credit cards. We came into some cash and instead of doing some much needed repairs on the house we gambled it away. Frankly, I am not writing this down to get any sympathy from others. I am just putting it out there on my diary for me and P. We did it and we cannot undo it. Are there a** hol es out there who would exploit another person's weaknesses? Of course. Are there posts on this forum that wind me up until the god d**n ed cows come home? Why, yes.. there are lol. But, in the end it is I who chooses to do it. I do it. I do it to myself. Last night after we finally pulled the plug on the lifeless thing we had become we began stuffing tacos into our mouths one after the other until we thought we would burst. I asked why and P said -- I just want to feel full. I want the hole inside of me to feel full for just once. So, for some of us I guess that's the way it is going to be. Acceptance of the hole that will never be filled up. Acceptance of the pain that will never ever go away. Acceptance of the arrogance of idiots because there will always be arrogant idiots. I afterall have been one of them from time to time.... ACCEPTANCE!!!! Christ I suck because I am a gambling addict who actually still thinks that gambling can be fun! That my life cannot be full without it. Gambling addicts cannot win. We cannot ever win. We cannot. At least I must admit I am lying to myself -- and I do not want to ever hear again that arrogance is honesty. It is not!!! God, the thickness of my skull at times!!!!! I have so many reasons why I do these things that hurt me. I have not one excuse. I am disappointed in myself for doing what I did but, I am still here and still believing that we can get to 15 weeks again. Complete abstinence is the only way for THIS gambling addict. How one manages to abstain and maintain IS bespoke but, I do not want to hear about how it is possible for me a gambling addict to have any fun gambling. IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!! It will always end the same f***k ing way. Cheers to all of you who have managed to abstain and maintain. And a HUGE hug to all of us still trying. We will get there. We will. - joanxxxxx

Hey there,

I know that hole Joan, the only difference is I was filling it in a different way ...

The debate was of my I initiation as I read a diary that i had so far been discplined to avoid that brought up strong feelings as it was too close to where I'd come from and triggered me .

Thankfully GC have stepped in and I had my wrists slapped indirectly ...

As you know my drug is anger and once out takes on a life of its own until its blown out.

I'm on the same road Joan.."acceptance of a pain that will never go away"

I feel better knowing you have P a to go through this with a person by your side who doesn't get it would be hell.

You will get there..I know and trust you will ..

R and D xx

You never write S***e Joan ...never ever ...and you are always welcome to write on my diary anytime ...

I do get it and we are all expressing probably the same emotions we find hard but in different ways..it's great to know we are not alone with this ...

((((J and P)))))

R and D xx