Angel From Montgomery

Hey Joan ...just seen your post there ..think it came in out of sync...

Yes I know what you mean...and Ms B reminded me a few months ago the saying that there is only an alcoholic who can look down on everyone else from the gutter...

I was reminded of that arrogance tonight ...I lost my wife,house ,car, job...but I still have my pride !

You know the score xx

But from a place of clarity and sanity it just highlights the insanity more doesn't it ? ...it's even more frustrating to be arguing the toss and that is where I lack that off switch ..

you are doing great Joan ...

R and D xxx

Hi Joan, loving your last few posts, they made me giggle. Maybe that could be our new slogan Rambling not Gambling!!! Keep strong xxx

Thanks Blondie, Rach, and cheers Pinksparkle for posting on my diary btw ( cool name ) 🙂

Diary:

Beautiful day today. Cool and crisp almost fall like. Wondering what this has to do with gambling addiction? For me a person's general outlook on life has alot to do with success in recovery. No, I cannot always be all sugar and spice BUT, making every attempt to be as positive as possible for me is an important ingredient for success. So, today, I am as always vigillant but, am also feeling good so am going to go out into the yard with my book and do some serious lofing. One day at a time folks. -joanxxxxx

Hey Joan,

I think me and sandra might nick your saying "I might be rambling but at least im not gambling" lol....

I must admit I am now an expert loafer as it was something I could never quite do whilst gambling as my adrenalin levels were either through the roof or none existant.

I like the even ground, the days where i can lie on my sunbed in the garden and make pictures out of the clouds and just think about nothing.

Enjoy your loafing.

take care

blondie xxx

Hey Blondie,

I love it but, I think I might have nicked it from Jonb a while back.... -joanxxxx

Hey Joan,

Sorry but couldn't resist nicking your saying and changing my topic:-) noughty but surely new way of looking at it!

Have a good day girl, relax and enjoy your book

Take care

Sandra x

Diary:

I hate Thursdays. Thursday is trigger day and on top of it I am P iss ed off. Not a good start to the day. I hope I can turn my attitude around. Gotta get motivated. -joanxxxxx

Joan.

I am with you my friend, by your side, a choice I made because you are worth it.

for me paydays were always a day of great losses, ridiculous really the rest of the world seemed to relish the day when they were rewarded financially for there efforts, yet for me I would just gift the hard earnt straight to the bookies. The money gone I would simply tell myself that 'oh well the next pay check will be here in!!'

It is not about the money for us is it?

It is the turmoil we cause, the waves become tidal again in our mind, they engulf us, but never drown us, they wash us battered up on the shore with just enough life in us until we can feed the tide again.

Today there are no white waters, just a gentle wash around our feet, those big rip tides are out there, for sure but just for today my friend lets keep the plug in.

Be kind to yourself my friend.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs!!

Diary:

I know Duncs is right. I hate the way I feel when I wake up on a Friday, Saturday, and or Sunday morning after losing everything I earned and more and honestly wishing I was dead. Not entirely because of the money I lost but because of the feeling of being out of control. It does not have to be that way. I do get paid tomorrow and the truth is I already spent what I did not have last week. We have enough to get by on. My niece is coming for a sleep over tomorrow so, I am keeping busy cleaning up the place. I noticed that I am dragging myself through it and swearing under my breath. What the f u ck else do I have to do today that is so pressing that I cannot clean this place. This is our home. It's not like I am cleaning up after someone else. I should take pride in it. It's the agitation that comes with the nagging urges. Everything is soooooo harrrrrrd. The whiny bi t ch attitude. THIS is why I cannot place the first bet no matter what type of gambling it is be it online, a scratch ticket a football game or a slot machine. It is NOT about the money. It is about how I let gambling take over my whole life. It's the preoccupation with it when I could be doing ANYTHING else. It's the way I wind up hating myself and feeling like a loser at the game of Life. If I want to win today all I have to do is NOT gamble. IT IS A SURE THING. If I don't bet, I will not lose. I cannot win because I cannot stop. -joanxxxx

Dear Joan,

As the the lyrics of my favourite song says: " Life is a game made for everyone and love is the prize"

Find that love and peace with yourself darling, the strentgh and determination will follow. No matter what day of the week we are, mornings are always wiser than evenings.

You taking your life back in control and i salute you for that!

I believe in you Joan, get your bat out and beat the s....t out of them urges:-D

Day at a time, tomorrow is Friday, and i'm sure you will wake to it with smile( at least little one) on your face.NO MORE REGRETS!

You doing fantastic!

(((((( Joan ))))))

Sandra x

Diary: I am back. Bent over and in agony from all of the cleaning I did today and gagging a little on the fumes of Murphy's Oil soap. Aside from that -- I'm actually feeling better about it being Thursday. Almost 4 solid days in now. I forgot how to push thru the urges because I had gotten back into the habit of giving in to them. My first goal is October 31. I have no idea how many days that is. I just like Halloween. One day at a time. I must not get ahead of myself. The kid is coming tomorrow so that takes care of Friday night. Saturday, we will be out at the lake grilling up burgers and will come home stuffed and tired from soaking in the sun all day. If it rains no problem. We will move the party inside and come home stuffed and tired. Sunday I might make my way up to the office to set up for the training that I will be doing from Monday thru Thursday. We do not gamble on weekdays. We are weekend gambleholics. Now, about the money. I do not have anyone to give my money to. I have no credit cards because I cut them all up two years ago. As a result Mt. St. OMFG is getting smaller. Tomorrow I get paid so, if I get tempted I will hand whatever I think I can get away with over to P to go shopping with. She will buy enough paper towel, toilet paper and cleaning supplies to last us at least 3 months. I've got a plan. I know I can do this because I did it before. And the beat goes on.... and the beat goes on... Take care everybody! -joanxxxx

Diary: "I wake up in the morning and I step out side; take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream: eh, what's goin on?..."

(81 days until Halloween)

Not much today so far but, then again I just woke up. Glad to have the day off. I am actually looking forward for a change.

No regrets because I did not gamble.

No dread because I did not gamble.

Self respect because I did not gamble. Hope because I did not gamble.

Got paid today. And, have a little money to spare in spite of my bu l l shi t over the last several weeks. I vow never again to let my guard down. Biggest mistake of my recovery so far. I need to remain resolved and focused. Folks can debate all they please but, I am early on in my recovery and if my resolve gets shaken up every now and again because I am vulnerable right now, I make no apologies. It is what it is. I am very on top of the fact that making the choice to gamble or not to gamble is my own. If I let my resolve get watered down or become too complacent falling down is entirely my own doing. I do think that creating a safe space for debate is a brilliant idea though. So, that's it for now I guess. I need to get on with my day. Today's word is: FOCUS - have a great day all! -joanxxxxx

Diary: Still Friday. lol. I believe what I am experiencing at the moment is withdrawal. I can hardly keep my eyes opened. Folks have written from time to time about dopamine and the pleasure center in the brain. I'm a believer.. It has become crystal clear to me that one bet is too many for me. So to gambling I must say no, no, no..

joanxxxx

Hi Joan,

I know this is 2 months late but I just want to say thank you for posting on my diary, the road to recovery is a solitary one (well for me anyway) and it's nice to know that there's someone in my corner shouting me on, so from the bottom of my heart I thank you and along with you I will say no, no, no to gambling.

Hang in there......onlyme x

Hey Joan, thanks for popping onto my diary!

I think Halloween is a good target, I love it as well - the smell of pumpkin, sparklers and mulled cider and I even like the chilly air!!!

Hope you fight any urges that descend upon you - just tell them to do one!!! Keep strong xxx