Back :-)

Hi Shiny,

It was so lovely to hear from you today. It was such a surprise and really cheered me up. I was desperate to respond but wanted to wait until I got home from work to give you my full attention.

First of all, very sorry to hear about your job situation. That is a sore one but I hope you find something suitable soon. Nice to hear that your daughter and grandson are living with you. I’m sure you take very good care of them.

Very happy to see that you have long abstinence from gambling under your belt and long may that continue.

I’ve been a bit of a fool recently after going over 4 years without gambling but hey ho I’m no victim I knew what I was doing and should have known better.

You were so important to me when I first came here without a clue and no idea of how to stop gambling. Your patience not only with me but several others was amazing. More than anything the amount of time you would spend responding on my diary with kind words and even tough love was so important to me. So thank you for that it is all very much appreciated.

Lovely to speak. Take care.

Tomso

Shiny.
I have often wondered how life treats you and hoped that you were well.
This forum has been such a huge part of my life since I joined and will never forget the support you and many others offered along the way.
Today I find myself in a very different place to the place I was when I came here.
I now work in a very rural pub on the West Sussex /Hampshire border and it has log fire's where other pubs have gaming machines and the nearest bookmakers must be a good half a dozen or so miles away.
I feel like I have found a home from home.
I am sad to hear that you left your job, or more so it left you, I know it played a big part of your life.
Time's change and I know you have the resolve to change with it.
Enjoy the sanctuary of this amazing place to help you remain safe.
I will look forward to the talk of chocolate bars again...
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Yo, so I read on a thread today about being so desperate , so powerless that taking ones life seemed the only way out. Over the years several times I have defo considered it, researched it and seriously contemplated it.

What stopped me was a memory from my teens that impacted my life and still does . My mum was an addict but in those days , parents shielded their children so it was never discussed , she I can see now was suffering serious mental health issues, but at the time although her behaviour was different than other mums never really understood why .remeber waking one morning and the sink was burnt and mum wasn’t about . Dad said that he had been the chip pan catching fire and that mum was taken ill and in hospital. What actually happened was that she took every photo of her and my dad and burnt them in the sink. She then slashed her wrists and left . The police picked her up, in her nightdress covered in blood . She was sectioned and spent 3 months in a special hospital , we were not allowed to visit her . I could not do that to my children , that what stops me . She was a good mum who only wanted the best for her children , and years later with my own issues I could understand why she was the way she was. I was blessed to have the best dad one could wish for , so as much as life was strange for us it was not a big thing . Years later a guy I worked with jumped of beach head , whilst others were angry at him, I total got that the torment he was in must of been unimaginable and in my own way was glad that torment was over for him

It’s been a good while since those thoughts of ending it took over my brain, and looking back can understand how I did not think I was worthy to stay in this world , I still struggle with life itself and often feel it’s an atchievment getting through the day but that’s me , slowly I think my set is changing, but defo work in progress .Took me over 50 years to become me , someone at times I really don’t like , so not something I can turn around quickly , but as I said everyday things seem to get better . Not being so hard on myself helps .

Anyways on a far more cheery note , sun is shining which always brightens my day, little boy slept through the night for the first time in a week, so feeling pretty good today. Off to carry on painting the bathroom .:-)

Hi Shiny,

Crikey, that was a powerful post. Your words made me feel so bad for you. That is a very traumatic event in your life and it must have been so difficult dealing with that at such a young age. Your strength never ceases to amaze me.

I am very happy to read that your grandson had a lovely sleep and I wish the little guy the very best. He will realise as he gets older that he is very lucky to have you as a gran and someone that can help him and take care of him.

Take care. Have a lovely day.

Tomso.

Agree with Tomso, that was powerful and I find myself welling up and teary eyed when I read a lot of these posts.

We are a collection of beautiful souls trapped in a dark cage.

Shiny,

Just read one of your posts on another diary.

Just to say, I am mentally unequiped to eat a singular bag of crisps or one chocolate biscuit. I now eat a bag of crisps in under 7 seconds. I’m like a wild animal. Sometimes I forget eating them and wonder where the empty packet came from and why I smell of cheese and onion.

Single biscuits. Don’t even get me started. I can finish a cup of coffee without ever drinking from the cup. Dunk, dunk.

It’s not us. We’re just the poor victims in all this. Pesky manufacturers shrinking tubs of quality street and ripping me off with their modified toblerones. Not to mention supermarkets selling 6 bags of McCoys for a pound. Crikey, we’re surrounded by evil. Help.

Take care. Night, night.

Tomso.

Yo, Tomso you did make me laugh .......thank you So it’s 3am and I am awake even though little boy is not the reason today . My brother is coming tomorrow to take m to lunch . I only see him once or twice a year and for the last three has always been with other family members but not this time . So a bit unnerved . This is my brother who has twice rescued me from the deversation my gambling caused . Was thinking about some threads I had read today about who to come clean too, this was one of the only people I did . I am totally blessed to have him as my big brother . When I had my break down (gambling related ) and went into rehab , he took every bit of paper I had, and paid off all my loans . When I asked what I owed he gave me a figure which I am sure was lower than the true amount , I did I am proud to say pay him back about 3 years later . Then this last time, before I got in to debt came clean that I had lost my inheritance and once again he was a diamond , he monitors my bank account , holds my saving and I have to say got great satisfaction sending him money every month without fell. Sort of to prove that I was doing my best to say clean. I haven’t gambled so I should not be anxious, but I know this is stupid and if some else said it I would say don’t be so crazy. But I still feel when I see him that a). I am too needy b) still one of life’s defects . Hate being both. I really have to give myself a big talking too , that I never chose to be an addict and that instead of berating myself for previous behaviour have to congratulate myself on having the courage to come clean with him and staying focused for the last 3 years to keep this addiction at bay . So with that thought I will try to go back to sleep .......Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hi shiny.
Thank you for posting on my diary and for your sound advice and encouraging words! I've skimmed through your diary this morning while my little one is whizzing about the kitchen in his walker, but I will revisit it again later with a coffee when he's at nursery and I have more time!
Well done for your long period of abstinence - I hope one day to be able to say that I've achieved similar.
I'm sure your brother's visit will be totally fine - he's your big brother and loves you unconditionally, as he has proved in the past. Just stay honest with him, be your authentic self and everything will be OK.
thanks again for your post and I'll check in again soon
Kate x

Shiny,

Just a quick note to say enjoy your day today. As you've already mentioned you only see your brother a few times a year but you clearly think the world of him and appreciate the help and support that he has given you. So enjoy his company, enjoy your lunch and have a super fabulous day.

Tomso.

Hope you enjoy lunch with your wonderful brother. I am reminded of a great song by the "Hollies" which was a big hit in the late 60's. I think it went something like this:

1/ "The road is long with many of winding turns

That lead us to (who knows) where, who knows where?

But I'm strong, strong enough to carry her - yeah

She ain't a divy - she's my sister.

2/ So long we go, her welfare is my concern

No burden is she to bear, we'll get there

But I know she would not encumber me

She ain't a divy - she's my sister."

Stephen x

Sorry good lady. I got the words of that song completely wrong!

I hope you enjoyed the catch-up with your brother, he certainly comes across as a very good man.

It is good that you have stayed gamble free for such a long time and I would like to congratulate you on your wonderful progress. Thank you also for returning to the diaries after an absence, to lend support and give encouragement to your fellow travellers ...Stephen x

Yo, thank you for your posts one and all :-). Lunch was nice with my brother , he really is one of life’s good guys and I feel utterly blessed to have him in my corner . Nothing more to report tonight , .........Shiny 🙂

Yo, so tomorrow or rather today is little boys 3rd birthday , my daughter is taking him on holiday for three days , so I will get a bit of a respite for the weekend . He is one of God’s special autistic children , I plan to do all the jobs that are hard to do when he is here , like cleaning the oven , joy of joy. When my brother came the other day he asked about his long time future, but it’s something that is so unknown I tend not to think about it. I know my daughter worries about it , me tend to only focus on the day to day, Everyday week his behaviour is different and we both have to find ways to work with it . Definitely a challenge , but I like finding solutions , I like finding ways to developer his skills. I know that he is a bright kid , unleashing that is th key . These last few months have been good fun , I like living with my my daughter and little boy , and am sure that I will miss them terribly ...... Shiny 🙂

Yo,

Read this this morning ......

My goals are to continue to be free from unhealthy desires by continually working on the loving/compassionate relationshwith with myself. I will also continue to constantly challenge my distorted/dysfunctional beliefs about myself so that it will enable me to accept myself unconditionally so that my mental state isn't at the mercy of others and life situations that aren't ideal. I've found that by accepting myself and having inherent love I am no longer looking for acceptance from others, people pleasing, mind reading and living a life of fear and anxiety.

That totally summed up, what my goal should be ongoing . Maybe then I won’t beat myself up for being what I have always felt a square peg in a sea of round ones ............ Shiny:-)