Back :-)

-Hi Ya Shiny,

I'm happy to see you out and about the forum again. I don't write as much but I still read most days. I can so relate to your post. I constantly compare myself to others and beat myself up for falling short. Living in fear and anxiety has been my challenge for as long as I can remember. I'm supposed to go to a family dinner tomorrow with my partner and I'm frozen. Petrified of being judged. Worried about embarrassing my partner. I'm sorry I should be writing this on my own diary. Your post really hit home. So glad to see your name on the page lovely Shiny!

Hello Shiny and a big thankyou for posting on my diary.

I hope your grandson is having a lovely birthday. You will miss them this weekend but a couple of days soon passes.

The ballet "Nutcracker" was amazing. As a dancer yourself I am sure it is something you would appreciate. I think street dance is a bit like modern day ballet. Both types of dance tell a story and the dancers use their strength, agility and coordination to make all look effortless and flowing.

I was pleased to read you enjoy dancing, it is great fun and good exercise. Do you dance with your grandson? Little children tend to like music, laughter and dancing.

Wishing you happy days, contentment and fun...Stephen x

Yo, feeling up beat today and highly motivated . Which is the opposite to yesterday, recon the sunshine and raise in temp has played a big part of that. Washing on the line makes me happy, I know small pleasures ....... Shiny 🙂

Hi Dusty... good to have you back and to see you have stayed away from the gambling.

Like you say, every day is different.. i am also feeling upbeat.

Regards..S.a 🙂

Hi Shiny,

I hope all is O.K. in your world today. I read but didn't respond to your previous post. Funnily enough, I am also feeling very upbeat and this has lasted for a few days now.

As you say, perhaps the glorious weather has contributed to this.

Take care.

Tomso.

Yo, thank you Sandra and Tomso for your continued support. SA hope today has gone well

So how am I today, mixed emotions really. Loving the good weather and started planning what my project will be in my garden , for those that know me already my garden is my happy place . And not just the planting, I enjoy painting the decking and fence, which I do every year , and am fortunate to have a very long front garden and raised beds and pots in the back. So really looking forward to spending time outside , hopefully before I find employment , so can make the most of this time off.

So what annoyed me, back to the whole benefit system . Having not been given the correct advice and attended 4 meetings for universal credit was told I was claiming the wrong benefit. I then filled out contribution job seekers and requested it be back dated . I was given Jobseeker’s Allowance but they refused to back date it , as I had not met their criteria even though it was their fault , I asked several times was I on the correct benefit only to be told yes . Then when I do get the job seekers allowance a third is taken off in tax . Really it is not worth me going to work till April. Anyways my work coach under job seekers asked me to attend a caree based meeting today .( I had attended 2 when on universal credit ) I turned up 20 mins early , having to travel in on the bus, only for the meeting to take place half hr after my allotted appointment , at the appointment it was sort of decided between us that they had helped me as much as they could, as I had already had two appointments and my cv and everything else was updated. So all in all 2 hrs of my day, which I could have spent garden wasted . Don’t like being benefit , don’t like how you are made to feel like a second class citizen , don’t like how they make you jump through hoops, for £57 a week .(I am expected to put 35 hrs in a week job hunting , so less than £2 an hour and prove what I have done ) and if I don’t they can just stop my £57 , So frustrated with it, will continue to play the game , I have paid into the system for 30 years and £200 a month will help make my savings go further . Just wonder how difficult it would of been for the guy this morning to come over to me and tell me he was running really late , did I want to go and come back in 20 mins . But no, they talk about respect hmmmmmm

Rant over , just neeeded to vent .

Weather is supposed to be lovely next 2 days, I will make a start on my garden projects , and sooooooooo looking forward to it.

Shiny 🙂

Hi Shiny,

That sounds awful. I hate to learn of good people who have paid into the system all of their lives being messed about when needing some help. Disgusting and disgraceful.

Anyway, I hope you can get out and into the garden and do what you love doing. Sadly, I’m not a gardening enthusiast. Maybe in time that will change.

Tomso

Yo, reading something just now and although posted back wanted to add to my diary. The post talk about being able to walk with his head high, no longer harbouring a dirty secret . It brought back a memory, from when I was in the throws of my addiction. I hated mirrors , I would look in the mirror and not recognising the person in front of me . I know I didn’t like that person , in fact found that person discussing, but like it was a different person not me . I at times was so shocked , at my depth of feeling . I often felt that I was two different people, the good and bad . Took me a long time , to accept they were the one and the same . I am not great at being kind to me , so even today I am still not fond of mirrors but it’s been years since I saw that person that person that I detested so much before me . Think it takes time , maybe a lot of time in recovery to build self asteam , I refuse to go back to place mentally , the person looking into the mirror is now stronger that the person that WAS looking back at them . ..............Head high ....... Shiny:-)

Good Morning Shiny,

Very interesting post this morning from you that got me thinking.

Reference the mirrors.

I would often wish that I could look myself in the mirror or watch myself when playing roulette at a time when I had completely lost control. When you know that your chance has gone and that you will lose and continue regardless. When you play in pity as if there will be no consequences. I would love to have been able to see myself in that state. Would that have been enough to wake me from my zombie like daze and make me leave? Who knows.

I recall several times returning home from playing roulette after a particularly bad loss and staring at myself in the mirror without emotion but in utter disbelief at what just happened. No shouting, no crying, no dramatics just looking at my reflection in utter silence and wondering "how the f**k did that just happen".

Still, those days are in the past now so get your fabulous self in front of that mirror and marvel at the beauty staring back at you.

Tomso.

Yo, feeling a bit under the weather today . Up as little boy is up . Really struggle with his sleep pattern . If we can keep him him awake to midnight then he tends to sleep till 10 in the morning . But bless him sometimes he just lies on the couch and zonks out at 8/9 .then wakes up 5 hours later full of beans . This is hard on my daughter , and is complicated by the neighbors kicking off about how noisy he is . It is what it is , the neighbors will have to live with it , and we will continue to do the best we can to find ways through his challenging behaviour.

Signing on day today , which I hate , but will go and get it done for this two weeks . Should get easier after this appointment as I really do want a job , just for tax reasons needed to hold off till April . So will get down to seriously applying for jobs in about 10 days , at my next appointment to sign on will have more proof of endeavours . Then hopefully get a job and not need to go anymore .

That urge I had , a few weeks ago was a one off. Totally know what triggered it , not being paid the benefit I was owed . Felt like I had lost the money and I wanted to chase it back. When I was in the throws of my addiction, I would view any money I spent as needing to chase back. Council tax , dentist fees , anything would have me in front of a roulette wheel trying to replace the funds I had spent . Unexpected bills the biggest trigger . Sure that rings a bell with some folk on here . I am happy to say that does not happen any more , one major urge in three years which I did not act on. Getting made redundant, having little boy here, could have triggered a relapse . The addiction convincing me that I needed the escapism, because I was so stressed . That has not been the case , think it’s because the blocks I have put in, won’t allow me to gamble, so the thought does not enter my head(except for that once, fleetingly). Waffled on a bit tonight , going to try to get some zzzzzzz .....Shiny 🙂

Yo,

Before I upped my sticks and left this place I forgot rather important bit - to keep communication with you.

When & if you're ready, send email to them to ask for swapping email addresses. I haven't done so but will accept when/ if you're ready.

Much love & hugs

Keep posting hun!

S&B xx

GamCare's prodecure for exchanging email addresses:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/exchanging-contact-details-other-members

Forum Admin

Hi Shiny,

How are you doing? I hope you are well and getting enough sleep. It must be so hard for you right now. Disturbed sleep can affect us badly and bring on a whole host of other emotions. You are made of strong stuff and I know you’ll find a way to cope until things improve.

After reading through your last post regarding your one off urge it is plain to see that having so much stress on your plate could lead to thought of escape. I think this is a perfectly rational thought. More than anything, you are a wonderful example to newcomers on the forum who got to read that last post. As a consequence of life dealing you a difficult time you had an urge to gamble, you didn’t react to it instead you gave it some thought and posted on your diary. Life can be hard and gambling can make it harder. Through experience you were able to get to the route cause of an urge and put into perspective. Good for you. You live to fight another day.

Take care. I look forward to hearing from you.

Tomso

Yo, thank you Tomso I is doing fine .just busy, and not wanting gamcare to become an obsession like it did in the past just popping in now and again if I have something to say. Bit like yourself. Do not feel I need to post daily as I once did ,as gambling is the furthest thing in my mind . Any money I have saved needs to last me as long I can or boost my state pention in a few years. Poor choices along the road of life saw me throw money away mostly chasing a ball around a wheel. So as I said before I have concrete blocks in place so feel am coping with life . Few challenges ahead , but I will face them head on, and sure infact more than sure that everything will work out just fine . Shiny 🙂

Yo,

Thought I would start a weekly check in . So all good with me . Put in a claim over my benefit not being back dated , so bit like when I disputed my redundancy payment ( and got it increased ) feel that even if they don’t back date it , won’t beat myself up in the future for not at least writing a letter to explain how unfairly I had been treated . So let’s see if the mandatory reconsideration rules in my favour .

I am a terrible worrier , and have been so since childhood. I believed if you think the worst no matter what happens it will never be so bad . When I had counciling it was something we discussed a lot. Not that I think the counciling made difference in that respect . I have a serious damp problem in my house , called out a damp specialist . But the night before convinced myself that it would cost 50k to fix. Was awake all night running things over in my mind, checked on line how much rerendering would cost, then got myself in a state about the impact on the neighbours . Only for the specialist to come and explain it was a ventilation issue , and that it was pointless rerendering the house or having insulation put in , as the condensation issue would see any work done deteriorate pretty dam quick. All that worry for nothing. My daughter who lives with me , tries hard to get me not to over think , catastrophice everything . Know my life would be soooooooo much simpler if I didn’t . Thought giving up work , getting out of what was a stressfull environment would see me relax and chill. But no that’s not the case , it’s almost as if I have to have something to worry about , something for my obsessive over thinking to focus on. It is bonkers but can not stop . Think this is why I gambled , was never at peace. Not that I will go back to gambling as release , so if you are reading there is not a relapse on the cards , just have to accept it’s part and parcel of my being .so that’s me this week , a few successes that moved life forward , on reflection nothing that took it backwards . Why do I worry much .?

lets see what this week holds , take care all , stay strong ...........Shiny:-)