So I originally joined this site in 2016 got off to great start done a great clear few weeks had an amazing mind Set but it didn’t last after about 5-6 months I slowly slipped back to old habits.
now I think I’m worse than ever
i sit and wonder what I did in life to feel cursed with this addiction no Matter what I do it will always win, I wonder sometimes is the any point in even trying anymore, I just can’t get that will power I once had Back again, deep down I don’t want to stop but my heart and my head tells me I have too, ive destroyed my life with gambling I should have better I should be doing better but that takes everything away from me and the worse bit about it is I DO IT ALL TO MYSELF, I make the choice and I make that decision, I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore, I feel anger and hate I feel frustration that I can’t make this stop I can’t control my own self it’s so sad to think and feel so weak when you’ve always felt like a strong person
I sit now and I think what I’d give to make this stop to just be normal and not fee like This pain and guilt, the feeling of sheer hopelessness, the sick feeling when you’ve spent more than you could afford to lose or basically everything you had, all the hard work you do for nothing, why do I even gamble because winning isn’t enough no matter what I win it will never be enough it will all go back in the end the outcome is always the same yet the mind tells you it will be ok you’ll win and you can do this and do that, treat your family treat your self enjoy spending your winnings if you win, when in reality that will never happen coz no amount will ever be enough The outcome will always be the same, you lose everything you go though the pain the down feeling then Heart ache the turmoil you the could of, should of, would of thoughts, the sheer depression of what you could of done with all that money you live it you move on you get over it you get past it then you do it over again!!
I’m lost I don’t know what to do anymore, I have people around me i have a great family, yet I feel so isolated, I have no motivation no concentration everything around me is just falling apart and I really don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’ll never beat this, I returned to my therapy that didn’t help this time around I hate the pain I cause to myself but most of all the pain I cause too my family and people around me I feel like a massive failure to everyone especially my kids because I know I am, I really don’t know anymore I feel like I’m trapped with this addiction I can’t beat no matters how hard I try it all ways wins, I don’t know what to do anymore 🙁
Hi Rylex! I just went back and read your first diary. Did you ever go to GA? You say counselling doesn't work, it only does if you're willing to bare your soul. You have to be the one to change. Accept that you are powerless. It sounded like you liked the support of other gamblers that you connected with on here. You will find help and support at GA. My husband went first time about 15 years ago, did a year and stopped. Now he's back there, nearly done another year. Now he says 'I didn't want to stop.' The choice comes from you. Hand over finances, self exclusion, online blocks, GA. Whatever it takes, get help. For things to change you have to change. Sometimes it takes many attempts to stop, you have slips. But you've said you think you're now worse. That's what happens, it's progressive, it gets worse. Not just money and debt, mental health, relationships. Do something different this time. There's lots of support out there you just have to want it badly enough.
Hi thanks for your post. I didnt ever to to a GA no I’m not really a group type person I suffer awful with anxiety and it just takes over me somtimes thought or being in a group And speaking in front of people just isn’t me it’s not because I would be ashamed or anything like that it’s just any type of group I’ve been like that all my life I can be a bit of a loaner it’s no wonder I feel isolated I prob isolate myself!
I completely understand what your saying you’ve got to help yourself I’m fully fully aware of my issues I don’t doubt for a second I don’t have a problem I’ve blocked off so many things it actually very difficult for me to open an account anywhere online but there is always that new one that I find when I’m in one of them zones where I just think it will just be £20 or I might just win, I know it’s stupid to think that as it’s Never going to be the case, it’s ok saying that now tho when I’m not in that state of thought, I always say this addiction is like being 2 different people the one that knows it won’t work the one that knows you have a promblem and you have to stop then you have the other person that try’s to convince the good Person it will be ok and try’s to justify it, unfortunately for stupid me I allow that side to consume my thoughts, I feel it’s worse than ever now as I’m fully aware of this yet I still do it!
I do enjoy the interaction on here with others like me as I think it helps to know the is other people out there that feel the same as me it helps to know that your not alone I have a great family and great support but withou sounding ungrateful sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who feels the felling I do I don’t expect sympathy or anything like that I’m well past that stage like I said I’m fully aware I’ve done all this to myself and your totally right only I can make the change maybe that’s why I’ve come back here because this did genuinely help me last time around
Im fed up of the pain i cause not to me but mostly to others who don’t deserve that, I’m fed up of having a bad spout spending so much then having to rebuild everything again and clear my mess up I just can’t do this anymore I have my own business too nothing huge but that’s definitely suffering to every problem in my life all roots from gambling
I have to do this time but most of all I have to see it though for good
So I didn’t gamble yesterday I stuck to my promise to myself and I did it it’s not a lot but it’s a start was hard thought about nothing else but I did it and I’ll do it again today! Day at a time
Another day done!
Feel like I might be getting my will power back, slowly but surly hope it lasted feeling quite strong about it, that’s something I’ve been missing for a while now
So messed up again.
Back to square one Again!
Was doing well then it just gets you and you fall for it why why why can’t I be stronger than this 🙁
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