Better to Ramble than Gamble.

Hi there old friend , hope your well , I really appreciate your post's as always and from you in particularly thats been there alongside me from the start ,not always been an easy ride for either of us at times me old mate but were still there plodding along and racking up the days , so I guess were both doing something right for a change ?.

I feel for you mate about the way stuff is with your ex but I'm so glad thats not been an excuse for you to go back to where we came from and that youv'e carried on looking at all the positives that you do have , it's brilliant and your'e a credit to yourself this forum and everyone you hold dear !.

We know we can't look back for too long because it hurt's at times but we can look forward to becoming better people for ourselves and those around us, that deserve us to be better for them !

I'm gratefull that weve come on this journey together and seen the light as to what we want to be , so many over the last few months have relapsed and I still find that hard at times to deal with but I just hope that someday they find in themselves , what we seem to have found once again !.

Stay safe Martin and I'm proud to be alongside you ! KTF

Respect !....................................Alan

It was a nice morning Merc might of had one to many pancakes with butterscotch sauce but who care

Alan as you know I will always be happy to be 15 days behind you and am delighted to walk by your side.

Day 145

Got a call from my ex on my lunch today to tell me she has just had a letter from a payday loan company I had taken a loan in her name out from. My heart sunk I even started to sweat only for her to tell me they are refunding her £164, the ex is happy to give it to me after extra support I have given her over the last couple of months, bonus.

It does bring back memories of speaking to get at lunch and praying the postman didn't deliver the letter of doom. Part of me wish he had done and I might of not got so deep.

I used to increase our overdraft only a Wednesday so I would be home to intercept the letter when it arrived on the Saturday on a couple of occasions I even pulled a sickie on the Monday if it did not turn up on Saturday as usual.

The lengths I would go to are just unbelievable. Like running the tap when I went in her purse to get her card making sure I put it back the same way in the same slot and then putting the purse back in the exact same position.

I could go on but instead I'll just take the £164 pay off some debt and maybe have a bit for me.

KTF

Day 146

On my way to GA a bit nervous tonight going to do a ful therapy back to the beginning. It will be good show me how far I have come.

KTF

Best wishes Martin ! KTF

Hi, Martin,

I hope you don't mind me commenting but no one else has...

It's no good saying that what went on before doesn't matter because it does. But I wouldn't advise you to get too stuck in the past. It's worth looking back to the extent that it's a warning, but don't stare too long so that you get crippled with guilt. You have come a long way, you "get it" in the sense that you're not in denial, the main thing now is that you're doing what you need to do for long term recovery and you're committed to keep on doing it. GA and the Steps are about living properly again, with your self belief back comfortably but not too much self belief. Nothing's easy but just keep on doing what you're doing, it's working.

Hope the meeting goes well,

CW

I think....for what it's worth..."that what went on before" should be used as a tool to remind us of how low we had sunk whilst in the grip of addiction....I don't think it should be allowed to "spoil'' out recovery....as all as gamblers know...living with the hurt...lies...shame...self loathing...etc can eat away at you and get in the way of a solid recovery....part of recovery is surley the "letting go " of the damage done...debt...hurt etc ....maybe I'm speaking for myself but I don't need to be reminded of the destruction I've caused...and if it was thrown in my face all the time....I would probabally head straight back to the slots..just a thought...not an argument lol x

Thanks Alan and loxxie and CW you don't have to ask permission to post on my diary.

It was good to go back not to dwell on it but when walked in there on the 29th Sep I was a broken man I was what I consider to be my rock bottom if it wasn't then I don't want to find out what is

I've spoken nearly every week at GA but only to update my progress really, I've never missed a week and squeezed quite a few other meetings in along the way. I feel it's good to see how far I have come and I've come a long way not everything I how I want it.

The first time I went I was numb and in a bit of a daze I told my take of woe but due to nerves it was a quick jumbled mess.

Tonight was part of my recovery I was a lot more concise and focused on what I was saying. I'm not saying I wasn't honest the first time, I was but still held bits back tonight I didn't. I delved a bit more into it all.

We had 2 new people tonight and I believe what I have said will show them they are not alone, we are all alike and I know for a fact the other 18 people there will take something out of it as I do when they share.

I have accepted I'm a compulsive gambler and always will be what I am not prepared to accept yet is that the damage my past behaviour has done can not be repaired and unfortunately every day I'm looking back, not at the gambling that's the last thing on my mind but in hope that the people who matter to my can give me that chance to show i can change, I have changed.

I'm sure they will come a day when I admit and accept that it is not going to happen like I did with gambling. I had to be ready to accept that and I will have to do the same with my relationship.

KTF

Hello Mate, Glad things went well tonight and that you said what you needed to , you have come such a long way my friend and have accepted massive change into your life and also the acceptance of what and who you are has allowed you to move forward and thats the biggest change of all .

Youv'e been totally honest with yourself and those around you and you can't ask anymore of yourself than that , those around us loved one's and otherwise will make there own judgements and hopefully they will see in you those qualities that have shone through in your posts on the forum , to myself and others , I salute you Martin and hope the things you wish and want for one day become possible !

As always , Proud to walk alongside you !

Have a good night my friend .

KTF

Cheers Alan I'm very proud of what we have become.

Life is just at a bit of a crossroads atm I'm starting to plan for the future. I'm not just abstaining anymore. I know it's easy and I'm having these thoughts because I'm looking to move on and make changes in my future. I'm stating to have thoughts of it happens It happens and stop trying to hard and just go with the flow. Im addressing my life not just addressing the gambling aspects of my life.

It's time to start to thrive rather than just surviving.

As you say " just go with the flow " my friend and see where the river of life takes you !

Well done mate !

Hi oldham really glad your meeting went well x

Off out for a few pints tonight on a school night courtesy of the refund from a payday loan. Not been out for a few weeks due be responsible with my money and paying things off. Be good to catch up with the pool lads a grudge match tonight top v second and the a and b team from my local. It's a bit of a gambling den on a Wednesday with the fruity and cards later and they will have the dogs on so I've been avoiding it but feel I'm ready now. Only got beer money on me and I've got acouple of bodyguards who know all about my gambling so I'm sure it won't cross me mind.

KTF

Have a good night bud and savour those pints !

And no doubt a rendition of ' Super Leeds' as you enjoy your pints and friends company...

Wish you'd be a bit quieter when you come in from the pub , just woke me up !! .

LOL!! hope you had a good night bud !

Take care !