Better to Ramble than Gamble.

It's a shame Deano's not a member of GA , you could have had 4 houses built by now ! :)) x

You'll be fine mart. ..and yes I'm sure you'll shed a few.... But hey. ...proud tears are the absolute dogs gonads....
If your looking for company on the villa trip.....I'll be there !
Just don't tell Alan ...sshhhh

I've not had a bet today or since my last post.

Thanks yet again for the kind words and encouragement I'm sure I'll get through it.

Had a fun packed weekend a few pints with my Dad and brother Saturday teatime followed by a night at a 40th. Good to catch up with a few old faces not quite as pleasant to catch up with a few of the ex's mates who I've not seen since the s**t hit the fan over a year ago. One in particular chose to take the opportunity to tell me how she felt. Took it in the chin I know I'm different now could quite easily of retaliated with her few home truths about the way she leads her life but what would that have achieved. On the whole it was a great night finished off sneaking a nice hot and spicy kebab home.

The ex is staying out yesterday and today but did come back home this morning before going back out. I've made a couple of schoolboy errors today the first being oversleeping, can't remember the last time I did that and not by 5 mins but nearly 2 hours, the knock on effect being I was late to work only 45 mins but j hate being late. The second due to being late I forgot to put away my therapy for tomorrow which I had been working on last night. I left all 18 pages out on the kitchen table, which have all been put into a nice neat pile on the kitchen table, she does know about it I invited her on Tuesday she politely declined I'm curious if she read it, she might of stopped after the first paragraph I'm sure I'll find out in time lol.

Im all sorted for tomorrow got it down to just over 5 pages, had to get rid of some great material but it sums up my year with GA and the odd reference to here, just like the last year it starts of dark but gets lighter as we go, my diary had been a great source of inspiration, a lot of therapies I have heard at open meetings focus on what brought them to GA and not where they are going. I think mines a little different the first page is my past the other 4 are excerpts from my diary over the last year. Just done a read through and it's just under 15mins and I've got 20 so left some space for a few tears and breakdowns. Going to get my Mum to present my medallion she deserves some credit as well with her I'd have really struggled

Time for TWD

KTF

Hi Martin , going to wish you well now for tommorow if that's ok , I know you don't need it old buddy because although you know it's going to be a very emotional evening it's because of good feelings this time , feelings of getting to a better place with all the hard work youv'e put in , feelings of having turned your life around for the better , of becoming not just a good dad to your son but a great one , of restoring pride and confidence through your actions and watching yourself become that man you wanted to be a year ago .

I know I can't be there with you but I'll be there in spirit ( or maybe just drinking some ?) as you recieve your pin , take it with pride and enjoy your evening my friend you deserve it because youv'e earned it :))

All the best Martin and have a great day tommorow :))

AL xx

Ps Who did Negan kill ?

All the best with the meeting tomorrow.

Nice gesture getting your mum involved, I like that, she sounds like an absolute superstar.

Enjoy the day, take the time to enjoy the moment and a massive well done.

Look forward to reading how it all goes.

Don't forget your handkerchief.

This will without a doubt be one of the best moments of your mom's life. Have a great night tomorrow!!

Cathyx

Enjoy your night brother. You deserve it x

Oh my, what a difference a year makes!!
Wishing you and your mum a well earned, wonderful evening. x

Have a fandaby dozey night mart...
And give that wonderfull mum of yours a big extra hug...
Treat her to a kebab on the way home !
Will be thinking of you x

Good luck for tonight Old, stand tall & stand proud through your tears!

Best wishes, Martin and keep on moving forward.

CW

Not had a bet today or since my last post.

Thanks again for all you support and encouragement. While GA has played a massive part in that Gamcare has in equal measure. I wouldn't have been stood up at GA without the support from both places and my family.

I spoke with the heart tonight just as I do on here, in fact I used a lot of what I have wrote in this diary.

Managed to get through it got a tad emotional but I care prepared with my Kleenex. It was tough reading out around the time of the wedding or should I say non wedding. But it got brighter as it went along just ha this last year has. I made the mistake of making eye contact with my Mum when I mentioned my weekly can that didn't help with the emotions it was a great honour for my mum to present the pin to me she was proud as punch

I've had some lovely compliments and text tonight which was nice and shows the best of the unity on show at GA

Everyone else spoke well with great honesty and integrity a really enjoyable evening the highlight of which was the wife of one of our members giving a view from the other side. Not the easiest to listen to but I hung off every word and felt privileged to hear it and was good for her to be able to share a bit more about GamAnon.

Came home with my Mum and got treated to 2 cans tonight, I must of done something right

KTF

Oldhamktf wrote:

Not had a bet today or since my last post.

Thanks again for all you support and encouragement. While GA has played a massive part in that Gamcare has in equal measure. I wouldn't have been stood up at GA without the support from both places and my family.

I spoke with the heart tonight just as I do on here, in fact I used a lot of what I have wrote in this diary.

Managed to get through it got a tad emotional but I care prepared with my Kleenex. It was tough reading out around the time of the wedding or should I say non wedding. But it got brighter as it went along just ha this last year has. I made the mistake of making eye contact with my Mum when I mentioned my weekly can that didn't help with the emotions it was a great honour for my mum to present the pin to me she was proud as punch

I've had some lovely compliments and text tonight which was nice and shows the best of the unity on show at GA

Everyone else spoke well with great honesty and integrity a really enjoyable evening the highlight of which was the wife of one of our members giving a view from the other side. Not the easiest to listen to but I hung off every word and felt privileged to hear it and was good for her to be able to share a bit more about GamAnon.

Came home with my Mum and got treated to 2 cans tonight, I must of done something right

KTF

Well done Martin. keep moving forward. tri

2 can's eh ? , Don't expect that everynight Martin it's only for special occasions :))

Glad it went well for you mate and you managed to hold it together , never easy speaking in front of others and with the added emotion of the evening it was always going to be tough but as with dealing with everything you have in the past year , you faced all the challenges head on . :))

Stay safe old buddy and I'll talk to you soon .

AL x

Im posting the teraphy i shared last night, im NOT looking for you all to read It and give me pats on the back and as you can imagine its a very long ramble, its just something that i think belongs on my diary as last night was the proudest moment ive had since my son was born.

My Name is Martin and I am a compulsive gambler and have not had a bet since the 23^rd Sep 2016

I first started gambling when I was about 18. I had gambled before on the National and in the arcades at Blackpool but it wasn’t till I became a chef that I started gambling on my own. Working a spilt shift, it started out just filling the time in the afternoon. Early on I got a decent win over £300 on an 8 dog race at Bough Park I think, forecast and tricast up looking back that obviously made it look easy.

I didn’t realise at the time but when I was about 20 I decided to move to the lakes I used the excuse that I wanted to move out because I wasn’t getting along with my Mum and Dad but really the reason was I was gambling lying and stealing and need to get away. I went to the Lakes no bookies nearby no online gambling then. Things went well met a girl fell in love enjoyed life I suppose a main part of the reason I enjoyed life them was that I was not gambling. We wanted to buy a house and could not afford in the Lakes so we moved back here.

With the opportunity back on my doorstep I starred gambling again nothing over the top a few bets on the Saturday racing and football coupons I’m not sure when it got out of control I just seemed to keep escalating. During the next 10 years I made a few mistakes stopped for a while after spending rent and bill money but managed wriggle out of these situations.

Things really got bad about 18 months ago I was spending all my spare money on online gambling on sports betting mainly football lots of different markets but if I had money in my account anything would do. I spent a lot of time researching and had spreadsheets and databases on different leagues different sports like Volleyball and basketball, what do I know about volleyball or basketball for that matter.

I started spending money we had saved money for other things increasing the overdraft, Id only do this on a Wednesday as I worked out the letter from the bank to confirm came on a Saturday so I could intercept the post. Eventually that hit its limit and things came out I promised I would change and again knocked it on the head.

We decided to get married after being together for 19 years to do this we had to find some money so re-mortgaged enough to clear some debt reduce the overdraft and book the wedding. We picked the venue paid the deposit, she wanted to pay it all I talked her out of it I promised I would control my gambling handed over the online banking account to her, she wasn’t very good at it so I would get her to log me on to do what we need to do which was fine till she typed the password in the wrong place so I now had the means to run up the overdraft again! once that was gone I started on the wedding fund that was gone within a 4 months by April it was all gone. I had been back gambling online while showing my pretend bets from the bookies a couple of pound here and there but I was gambling heavy online.

The plans where still going ahead for the wedding she was picking the dress paid for it with her own money so we could have a few extra’s treats on the day ,booked the DJ had meeting with him and planned the day ordered the cake got the photographer all the time just paying deposits. She wanted the little extra I’m saying no we don’t need this all the time knowing the money had gone. The save the date cards had gone out, I was delaying ordering the invitations saying I’m waiting for an offer to come up but really I was just delaying as I knew the inevitable. At this point I was becoming more desperate time was running out I was chasing spending any money I could get me hands on to try and get it back I was taking out payday loans in her name from whoever I could get them off borrowing money from friends and colleges becoming a pest calling me brother to bail me out while he was on holiday onetime I still called him. Making up another excuse another lie.

September the 23^rd my birthday I had one last throw of the dice which obviously didn’t roll my way. I went home had a birthday meal and cake with her and my son knowing the next day I had to tell her she had said she wanted to check the bank tomorrow I had dodged this so many times making excuse like the site was down but really I had just disconnected from the Wi-Fi. She called me on my lunch at work I had not planned to tell her then but it just came out a cowards way over the phone I knew the game was up, I knew by telling her I was sealing my fate I knew I had blown it.

I went home she was calm and she is not a calm person she told me it was over and had packed me a few things and allowed me to say bye to me son. I had to make that walk to my parents with my black bin bags and asked for a bed told them everything, although disappointed and upset they have stuck by me of that I am grateful I would not of got through this without them and my brother who helped me financially to clear some things down and has been there for support I’m not sure where I would be now. With all of them I know I’m on a final chance if I get it wrong again I will be completely on my own.

I’ve been keeping a diary since the start and I have taken some of the entries to share with you here tonight.

Day 5

Well went to my 1st GA meeting last night. So glad I took the gamble and walked through the doors, nearly bottled it but my apprehension was unfounded everyone there was in the same boat at some point and I heard some inspiring stories. I said my story and got some great feedback which I will take on board. I will definitely go back to GA next week. I think it might be just what I need.

Day13

Had a bit of a blow yesterday when an old debt came back to haunt me. I really thought I had everything out in the open. Feel like I'm back to square one with people. They think I'm lying again and why wouldn't they I have been lying for years. I must be good at it so why would they believe me this time. I will just have to start to build the relationships again. This won't beat me!!

Day 54

Went to my first open meeting at GA tonight. It was great for my family to be able to go and listen to other people who have been as stupid as me and get a better understanding of the illness and hear the guys tell tales good and bad that shows how GA can work.

Day 66

Managed to get out yesterday for a few pints with my mate I went out on £20 I found on the street last Tuesday after walking home from GA it felt very weird having it in my pocket for 15 mins while I got home I had an urge to hold on to it but I gave it to my mum when I got home and actual felt very proud.

Day 68

Well been to GA tonight and felt fine going in but gave my therapy and feel a bit drained after it. I've been feeling Fridays looming wedding day creeping up on me but don't think I realised how much. I know I will feel better getting it of my chest in the in the morning and the support I got from the guys was great. I've not even known them 10 weeks and they are prepared to put themselves out I never thought I would get that support when I was stood outside them doors 60 odd days ago plucking up the courage to go in 100% the best gamble I've taken walking through the doors

Day 71

Been up since 6 trying to keep busy and my mind occupied but it isn’t working not worried about gambling but just think what I should be doing. I should have had a big fry up with the best man by now then off for a fancy shave. I'd be s
etting off to the town hall to say those words I DO instead I've had to change them to I DONT gamble anymore.

Very difficult to stay positive today but going on my works Christmas do tonight.

Day 72

Yesterday was the toughest day I have had since I started my recovery, not once did I think about gambling but it was all about my the consequences of my previous gambling life.,

Went to my work xmas do, Had a good time considering where I should have been. While waiting for the bus home I bumped into a lad from GA we seemed to have our own GA meeting at a bus stop in the centre of Manchester we was talking about all sorts it was like giving a therapy and giving feedback to each other.

Day 73

Not feeling it today this is the low that follows the high. Had a good weekend with my son nothing exciting just spent time together while his mum was away for the weekend it was fun and great to wake up with him under the same roof until the text came from the ex that she was on her way back from the airport and it was time to vacate the premises.

So hard to go I know over time it will get easier but it doesn’t feel like that at the minute.

Day 90

Well I should be declaring at GA tonight uttering those words "my name is Martin and I am a compulsive gambler I have not had a bet for 90 DAYS but due to that bloke having his birthday on Christmas Day they have closed our venue tonight.

I'll be honest I'm gutted I wanted to stand there tonight and take a bow I'm proud of what I have done and know this is the beginning but for once I can say for the last 90 days I have not had a single bet, told a lie, manipulated a situation deceived anybody for my gain, took what was not mine to take. What I have done for the first time in my life is be honest with myself and others around me.

Day 97

Off to GA tonight well to Ralph's house who has kindly opened his doors. I don't have to go I'm sure I can get by till next week but I know he is putting himself out and I really enjoy it and they might be someone there who needs my support.

Day 100

Right for the last 100 days I have locked myself away a sort punishment for me a bit of solitary a time for reflection to find myself again I'd started to see glimpse over the last couple of months coming along more and more and I'm like what I see I’m a good guy so my parole has come through time to get reintegrated with life.

Day 132

I woke up this morning under my old roof, nothing exciting just that the ex has got a new job working nights so I will have to stay over a few nights a week. It felt very strange waking up to go to work this morning, I felt like a burglar sneaking about in my old house.

Day 145

Got a call from my ex on my lunch today to tell me she has just had a letter from a payday loan company I had taken a loan in her name out from. My heart sunk I even started to sweat only for her to tell me they are refunding her £164, she's even going give me half of it.

Day 160

This was my 22nd meeting on the run and every week I come home and my Mum has a beer in the fridge for me, I think she sees it a little reward, tonight the fridge was bare. Bless her she's gutted and really apologetic she feels like she had let me down. Nothing could be further from the truth she has been my rock. She probably won't see this but if she ever does this will be a nice little surprise

Day 198

Been asked 3 times if I'm doing the national sweepstake politely said no not this year.

Reminds me of doing the World Cup on a few years ago and "borrowing" the money to have a bet before I had to put it back to pay out the winners what a sad state my mind was in to do that.

Day 200

Got to love me Mum what a diamond she is!!She's just come in and gave me a beer and said its 200 days today well done!!! I've not told her she just knew

Day 213

Wow Mum and dad have gone on their holiday today that means the triangle is broken they’ve been gone only 3 hours I’m sat in the garden and I find myself looking into the distance thinking no one will know if I have a cheeky little accumulator its just a passing thought not even an urge. Good job ive got more blocks in place than a Lego factory. Anyway I dismissed it has quickly as it came just goes to show how valid the triangle is

Day 222

Had a nice chilled afternoon watching the snooker and recorded the legends game on C5 between Eng and Ger. Just sat down to watch it And have had to turn it of due to the England team being managed by Ray Winston can't bear to look at him anymore, does he really need the money.

Day 226

I used to go in the bookies nearly everyday on my lunch spend £20 at least I've not been in for 232 days that's over 4.5k of winnings I'm very happy with that.

Day 300

I must laugh I'm sat in the garden with my mum and dad at 11pm having a beer and she told me earlier one of my brothers popped round and asked for a beer and she told him no as she only had the one left which she saves for me in a Tuesday after my GA metting top girl my mum. I picked a few beers up on my way home from GA and we are sat in the garden chewing the fat about the last 300 days. Could not of got this far without these 2.

Day 319

Well it's time to pack my bags leave my old house again the ex and my lad have been away for a week. This time no black bags and I'm happy to be leaving. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed my week of freedom but the house is not my home anymore especially without my son in it. Missed him immensely and can't wait to see him later when he gets back

Day 354

Went to GA last night and went with the intention of taking a back seat and just listening, had a few things I going on which I will share with them but need to think them through myself first, was nice that after the meeting got a call and text asking if I was ok with me not saying anything, nice people notice I am ok if a little frustrated.

Day 366

One year completed, had to do the extra day due to the leap year, a bit off a mixed day whilst being immensely proud of completing the year it’s also the anniversary of my life turning upside down. To be honest I’m glad it all came out I feel much better now being honest and if I was offered to go back clear all the debts get married but I had to carry on gambling giving what I know now I wouldn’t go back, I didn’t like the gambling me, and I do actually quite like the non gambling me.