Better to Ramble than Gamble.

Hi there. Thanks for your post on my diary. So where do I get this SE number? Is is a national thing? Thanks, Phil

Not had a bet today or since my last post.

It's been a while since I've posted I still dip in and out of reading the forum but finding it hard to interact just feel very disconnected with it ATM so apologies to all those I called out over the last year for disappearing. I get it now, I'll keep trying as I know I have lots to offer and pass on and still can take a lot from this place. I'm sure in time it will come.

Still going to GA every Tuesday and had lots of positive feedback about my therapy at the open meeting and how it had helped the partners of the gamblers so that was good that some good might come out of my tough times. Was supposed to be at my first steps meeting last week but was let down on the morning by my lift and it would of been to late to make it under my own steam typically can't make it this weekend due to some charity event im helping out with but got a clear run after that so will be starting the steps in a few weeks.

Been spending lots of time with my lad well when I can get him off the Xbox at the weekend made the mistake of buying him a game as a surprise the other week he was very grateful only time I ever did that was when I had a win then spent the next 24hrs regretting it as id have blown the rest of the winnings, it was nice to not have that feeling but I did regret giving it him straight away when I got there as I never saw all weekend after I gave it him,

Things have been going along nicely with the ex she seems happy enough with the set up where I have my lad while she works nights and this disappears for a day to do what she wants with her new fella. Well I say they was going well got a barrage off abbusive the other day by text 9 messages in as many minutes, I got the blame for a payment coming out of her account from Amazon for a game I gave her the money for 2 months ago and pre ordered for my lad. She only just had enough to cover it and blamed me saying I was supposed to be paying for it. Which I had but she had spent the money kept calm and explained what had happened she was still not happy, just replied with an OK and left it at that. Left it for a while then explained my lack of reaction is not that I don't care I just don't need to argue we've done enough of that. Patience and calmness are the cornerstones of my recovery.

Ok time for some food before quick turn around for GA tonight, I'll keep trying to get my gamcare mojo back.

KTF

Good to see you back and posting
I'm pleased your still looking at other ways to move forward with your recovery.
That's what woman do mate only remember bits that benefit them lol.

Enjoy your meeting brother

Ps just because Alan dared me will h and Lisa be at the steps meeting?
X

DaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaDy !! , I knew you were out there somewhere , a bit like Santa , I could feel your presents ( see what I did there presence / presents ) :)) . In fact I said to Odaat today that I felt you calling to me in my hour of need so thanks for that Martin :)) .

So is this where Deano's calmness is coming from ( you ?) , I'm blaming the funny cigarettes and all along its you supplying him !.

aaaaah , those days of not seeing my son for day's on end because of the xbox , how I remember the peace and quiet so well , the only time I'd see him was as he stommped down the stairs in search of food and then dissapeared just as quick clutching all the crisps and sausage rolls he could lay his hands on .

You need to come and go as you please Martin until your (Mojo returns ) that being said it's not fair to really expect us further south to keep covering for you and the doctor can sort your Mojo out with some little blue pills these days if your need arises ( or doesn't ) :(( . but in your absence I hope you don't mind when I answer your mail ? :)) .

Stay safe old pal , deep respect and I'll see you when I see you .

AL xx

Ps I didn't dare him at all Martin coz that would be a "Tragedy" and I know by climbing those steps you'll get to a whole new level ( Jeez I'm good ) Unique some might say ? . xx

I've not had a bet today or since my last post.

I was posting to dannyp earlier and he is in a similar situation as I was this time last year. Something he said about not knowing how he will cope without his wife struck a cord with me, this isn't about you Dan it's specific to my situation.

Over the past few months I have been asking myself the question WHY did I gamble? I think deep down I didn't want to get married. We was together 19 years the last half dozen of them I think on my part was more just going through the motions, I think we thought we had to get married.

I don't think I could say no and walk away, what a coward! I had to resort to being destructive. For several years before she had always brought up the idea of getting married, I always put it off, I gamble at the time only ever spare money making an excuse we did not have enough money and a holiday would be better, why get married we was doing fine as we were. Making sure we lived comfortably but never had enough to save for a wedding.

The pressure to get married got more after her Dad died she was annoyed that he never got to see her walk down the aisle. That's when we took out a loan to get married, maybe me addiction was always there and because I had access to more money my bets escalated but I think I became more reckless because I couldn't walk away from the relationship I just didn't want to get married. Don't think I'm blaming her I could of walked away. I couldn't leave my lad. I wasn't planning ahead as my choice gave me no option. Wish I'd not started this post. But need to get it out.

I've never admitted this before but part of me was relieved the relationship was over. Did I gamble to get out of it? When I started thinking about this it was clear in my mind but I'm not sure now.

I really want to deleted this but can't if that makes sense

This is certainly a ramble that I need to come back to I need to get this straight in my head I'm sure your as confused as me lol.

Off to bed I think I might be staring at the ceiling for a while tonight.

KTF

It's better to Ramble than gamble Martin you know that :)) Open and honest post , just like you old buddy . If it needs to come out and give you some more closure , then Ramble away my friend , Ramble away:)) . Look after yourself , thinking of you old pal . Xx

Hey. ...you ramble a way love..
That's what your diaries for...
Get those feelings/thoughts out there...it may help you untangle it all....I've not had enough coffee yet this morning to offer any real thoughts on this....but I can understand where you're coming from...have a good day .x

I've not had a bet today or since my last post.

Today should be my first weeding anniversary but gambling took that away from me, no let's be honest my choice to gamble took that away from me.

I've not had a bet since the 23rd September last year that doesn't mean I've not thought about it to be honest it's been crossing my mind more and more lately. Don't get me wrong I've not come close.

I know why I'm having these thoughts after 15 months I hoped things would be sorted on the financial front but that's not the case. It's not that I have huge debts, all the pressing ones have been sorted months ago. I'm just finding it difficult to move forward, I'm stuck in a rut.

I'm still in the spare room and my mum and Dad's, I can't see that changing any time soon. My mum and dad are nearly 80, and if I have not had to move back in last year they would have probably sold up and downsized, they might still have to. I'm worried where that is going to leave me. I can't carry on living with them forever but I am struggling to see a way out

This is where The crazy urges come from, the one big win mentality. I've learnt enough to know this would never fix anything so I'm not going to try.

Someone at GA told me the second year is the hardest and im certainly feeling that way at the moment. It's not all doom and gloom I'm providing for my son both financially by putting a roof over his head and other things he needs, as well as most importantly be in there for him enjoying our time together which is quality time. Same goes for me I've got a roof over my head which may not have been the case if I had carried on gambling, I'm honest now and that feels good I'm more confident I'm proud of who I am.

I don't want this to come across wrong but I want more, I feel I deserve more I know I did some despicable things I suppose after over a year I thought I'd be in my own little flat, I need to show some patience things will get better one thing for sure they won't if i have a bet.

KTF

You think maybe the urges are coming on stronger as you start to face the reality of your relationship? Are you a little anxious about starting the steps maybe?

The second year for me was definitely harder than the 1st although not the dealing with urges, more my new life issues? I'm not sure I'm quite out the other side yet but my periods of calm are getting longer now 🙂

Gambling never solved anything, everyone here is testament to that so keep on resisting as we know you will - ODAAT

You're so right Oldhamktf.
Things won't get better if you gamble.
You have done so well up to now, an absolute inspiration to many.
You want more - that's only natural - isn't it?
That's a positive? - yes?? you're looking out for yourself, caring about your needs.
Take care and thanks for all your kind and helpful words on the site, remember you need to give yourself some kind words and a hug sometimes x

Yeah ditto Oldham. You've helped me massively and you want more plus I want more for you! Just keep plugging away. It takes time and we that's the issue for us all. Sleep well knowing you're well on track.

Thank's for tucking me in the other night " Petal " :)).

Remember way back when and you and I were mere fledgling's starting out on here ? and everything was all dark and horrible because of all those nasty things we'd both been guilty of ? . Then moving on some months ( alright many months ) and things slowly but surley began to improve and we realised " You know what , we might just be able to do this and stop this gambling malarky for good " ? and maybe a little bit smugly we think " were ok now , life's great again and anytime soon everything will turn out just how we imagined having a gamble free life would be " ? .Well ! I kinda think it is great Martin but it's still life and life just doesn't always happen at the speed or in the way we thought but just remember where we both were and were still making progress and moving forward instead of backwards every day , litlle by little creating a new and better life . Life is full of adventures Martin but it's not Chessington world of adventures where we have the option of a fast track ticket to all it has to offer , What's that saying " Slowly slowly catchy Monkey " or some bollx ? ( never quite saw the sense in that one ) but you get my drift ? .

Anyway Chin up " Northern Bloke " , dust yer " Flat cap off " eat yer " Black pud " for breakfast and keep walking yer "Whippet " and before you know it you'll have got past that " Rut " :))

Love and kisses " Old Pal " :)) xx

Hey mart. .
Sorry to read you feel a bit " flat "
If that's the right word...
You've been on a mahoooosive roller coaster ride love...and I imagine the trains slowed right down now....maybe even stopped...
And for you...maybe feeling a bit..." oh...what do I do now "
As usual I'm c**P at keyboard chat...hope you get the jyst of what I mean lol
Anyway....we never know what's around the corner....and know you've kicked your addiction into touch....you're ready to face you're future....it may not happen over night....but I'm posative good things are on the way .....
Take care hun x

Hi Martin, reading your last couple of posts I could relate to a lot of it. I don't post or read as much on here as before so I'm only seeing this all now. Sorry to hear about your friend, very tough situation to deal with and get your head around.

In terms of you wanting more out of life I totally get that. We all have made mistakes in life but that doesn't mean we need to be punished forever and don't deserve happiness. I think our biggest obstacle is ourselves if that makes any sense. It's almost like we don't allow ourselves to move on and when we get stuck in a rut it can get comfortable. Maybe it's time to step out to of the comfort zone.

You're spending quality time with your lad which is priceless. You are a good Dad and can be proud of that.

All the best

I've not had a bet today or since my last post.

Firstly my apologies for not replying to the above comments. I've had to take sometime out for myself to get a few things sorted in my mind. I have not read a post for a couple of weeks, I didn't even check it the challenge for the first time all year, I did pop into chat once and picked a bad night to pop in gave it another try tonight and it was a lot more palatable.

Anyhow I feel in a much more positive mindset starting to see but of a path.

Looking forward to Christmas things are more or less sorted just need to get the leading lady in my life my mums present but that just needs picking up.

Taking my lad out for some lunch xmas eve then he wants me to come round xmas morning to open his presents and bake pancakes for breakfast a. It if a tradition we missed last year, then he's spending the day with his mum then coming joining me at my brothers in the evening. I'll see him plenty more in between and then I think I will have him NYE as the ex is working.

GA been going well not made it to a steps meeting yet keep talking myself out of it, I know I'm talking rubbish to myself if I found the courage to walk through the doors I'd embrace just like I do it's my regular meeting. One good thing I have done is set up a whatsapp group with the guys and girls from GA which has been very useful tool.

I've had a good week had a good catch up with a mate how I've not seen for a few weeks helped put s few things into perspective for me, I find I only really discuss my gambling with other CG's nice to have a chat with someone who isn't an addict.

I've had and interesting day today it's made me laugh it's been quite comical and reminds me of all the lies I told when I was actively gambling and the lengths I went to cover my tracks.

I've been staying with my son while his Mum is away for a few days. Today she went out with her mate on their annual Christmas shopping day combine with a meal out and a few drinks as the girls do every year so she's staying at her mates. Then tomorrow she's off to her new fellas so I'm with my lad again tomorrow night.

Well this afternoon I got a knock at the door and to my surprise it was her friend she was supposed to be with!!! She's popped by to check In on her to see how she was and to drop my lads Christmas present off. I think she was a little surprised when she asked if she was in and I said is she not with you. I did invite her in For a brew but she politely declined.

I left it for a few hours and dropped her a text to say her mate had popped by and said hi, no reply as yet maybe a tad embarrassed. She only had to say she was going there for a couple of days it's not a problem to me.

Ok I'm off to check in on the challenge and I will try and catch up with some diaries but I'm off to bed now early night for a change.

KTF mine waivered for a while but is back again.