CasinoRoyalLoser my life

4 Days I won't be gambling this hour.

"I'm so cold" said my brother. Were sitting at the train station 4am freezing cold it's got to be around only 1-2 Degrees. I can't even look at him to say "Sorry" i'm so stupid, We just left the Casino as it closed at 3am and it took 45 mins to walk to the train station. Don't even have enough change to buy him a hot coffee. Pockets empty wallet empty bank balance overdrawn.

8 hrs earlier were in town drinking laughing having a good time and i know there is a very juicy 1-2NL poker cash game in the casino just around the corner. I convince my brother to come get free food, lots of free drinks and i say " Hey Bro every big cash pot hand i win i will give you some money". Of course he joins me who wouldn't right? Free booze and chance of easy free money.

We walk in the place its really nice and warm and head to the bar get 2 beers and head towards the cash game. There's load of tables running i sit down and get 300 pounds in chips. Get my first hand look at them and there garbage 2 junk cards, i toss in the muck. This is great im in a lively funny chit chat with my brother were laughing enjoying the beers I know were in for a good night. Few hands later get a pocket pair of 5's "Raise" i say with authority i get one caller, Flop AQ3 no good to me but i continue my bet he just calls turn whoop another 5 gives me a set. I check he calls i trap and at the end of the hand make a tidy 200 pounds profit. I reach into my wallet give my brother 20 quid, life is good. "WOW" thanks big bro says my brother, i reply "put that in your wallet it's yours there's plenty of them coming for you tonight" i say.

3 hrs later i'm not even listening to my brothers half drunk chat anymore, "shut up.. your annoying me" i'm thinking in my head. Can't my brother see i'm losing every friggin hand just unlucky or what? how can this keep happening? i'm almost 500 down, i've hit the ATM up twice for the max for the day and gone into a overdraft. I need more money i lost it all "Bro" how much you got in your wallet? he looks at me with these shocked upset eyes.. "Oh i thought this was my money? you gave it to me i was gonna use this to pay for my repairs to my laptop" "Just give it to me" i say, he opens his wallet takes it out hands it to me I say to him "can i borrow 3 hundred from you until tomorrow?" i will win it back in an hour or so" He trusts me i'm his big brother right? of course i will pay him back, he goes gets me the money from the ATM. Well there is no guilt! no shame! remorse! nothing i don't give a s**t i need capital i need just chips. I couldn't give a toss my little baby brother has gone to the ATM with his hard earnings and i took back my gifted money to him. Where is he? hurry the hell up i'm missing hands here i'm thinking.

45 mins my last hand i'm WIPED out because i know casino is closing in 10 mins, so i just gamble to try and double up and f#%K lose it all. We leave the casino my brother is like wow what a night i'm so drunk but man it's cold out here. As we walk all the way to the train station here comes those thoughts, GUILT, ANGER, DISGUST, SHAME, FEAR, EXCUSES, they come thick and fast sends me into a little frenzy my eyes get glossy i feel nausea. I can't believe i just stole 300 pounds from my little brother there is no money left in my account, i won't pay him back tomorrow at all, im so skint. I take a quick look at him and he's in a good place he's buzzed from all the hours of drinking and has no idea of my financial status, he's just so pleased he finally got to hang out with his big brother the one he always looks up to. I am thinking how do you even look up to me, you hardly ever see me, my life time is in a casino or in a bookie or at some Holdem tournament somewhere. He has no idea of who i really am, does anyone really know who i am? feels like im the unluckiest guy in the world there is no one out there like me. That's what i thought at the time.

"So what time is the train coming?" asks my brother "In 2 hrs" i say "d**n" he says "oh well cheers for a great night"

o*g great night i think i just stole off you im a f*****g douche bag and you don't have a clue my heart is broken i can't even have the balls to tell him right now tomorrow when he wants his money it won't be returned.

This story haunts me and i think about this story over and over. I learnt something that day! im willing to be a thief to fill my gambling addiction. I am prepared to cheat my own family for money.

I really am a horrible person, please all of you don't become like me.

Bournemouth Train Station 1999 a date i can't shake out of my head.

CainsoRoyaLoser.

Spaingone

User Posted: Tue 25 Mar 2014 17:45:03

I am reading your postings and diary with interest. What concerns me a 'little only a little' is your posts seem to be quite euphoric, like I am here on Gamcare 'Day 2 is it?' and it is the end of my gambling. My thoughts are that you will have some very dark depressional days ahead

Thank you for this post Spaingone. You have literally just blown my positive attitude and flushed it down the toilet. Thank you i needed to read that.. i completely understand it you are right though bang on the nail..Wow i read the above post and WOWSERS what a wake up call to me. This feeling i have now is all Euphoric it's fake i'm not cured and never will be. The posts like this which i have read in other diaries is the truth. I can tell you right now everyone, I'm afraid im really afraid of the posts like this because it's coming for me too. The dark days are coming and the battle of Urges versus resisting is coming, i fear I will lose. I don't want to lose, i cant lose. I have a huge pay day coming in 5 days. I know my battle is in 5 days time. I admit to everyone right now i feel weak scared and i don't want to be writing I failed Day one again. I can't think about anything else lately hence my obsessive writing in here.

A very Terrified CasinoRoyaLoser

It's coming and today i think it has started.

Hi Casino, I'm glad you UNDERSTOOD my thread, if I am right you realise you have a fight on your hands. Its a tough long fight, one I am only beginning properly having been on this site and failed many times, but now I am determined - nearly two weeks and the depression has still not lifted - but everyone is different. You say 'payday' is on its way and you are scared, but your previous threads said your wife now had control of your finances so you should not be able to touch your hard earned funds. No turning back - heed Rainman's advice,

Hi there,

Welcome to this supportive site and well done for starting your journey to better yours and your loved ones future. I see you already took initial steps to help you to abstain. Blocks are necessary especially at the start of your recovery.

I suggest you to read diaries and post on your own.There are loads of wisdom, useful tips and inspiring thoughts in every and each diary. I still find this forum as priceless tool in my recovery. We all understand how we feel and trying to support each other on good and bad days.

Stay strong, take it slow and steady with each coming day.

All the best and take care

Sandra

@ Rainman, thanks for reading my dairy and the post i see you have been through this and have a lot of experience. Trust me i am reading every word you write as well as reflecting on your own diary. Thank you for making me think twice and keep heading forward.

@Spaingone,

I have handed over my finances to the wife the only glitch in that is they pay directly to my bank account here in Dubai then i instantly have a direct debit to our joint account in UK. So when i talk about in a few days time and salary coming i want to see how my mind drifts? how the urges react? and see what demons will come through? At the moment i'm feeling really good and at this second, typing this email there is no way in hell i am going to gamble that money on payday. Less words from me more action... so let's see.

@Sandra1,

Sandra you are so right about this site, it is a very handy tool. I have visited it daily since i decided to quit my addiction. This site is deffo a Armour for the addiction, another barrier in place. I have read many diaries and some are just so hard to swallow. I am in no great hurry to beat this or maybe i am because i want rid of it as quickly as possible but the reality is, i know now this is a very long life journey. The diaries are teaching me one step at a time, day by day, hour by hour. I will continue reading everyone's diary and write in mine too. Thanks for the input Sandra appreciate the support. Feels so good to know i am not alone here.

CasinoRoyaLoser

6 Days I won't be gambling this hour.

6 days has gone by so fast. It means for me i have woken up 6 times in a row kissed my baby and wife and looked at them and said these words " Good morning i love both of you and today i am XX days free of gambling"

I took my wife and baby out yesterday to one of the super malls here in Dubai. I can't remember the last time i had so much fun shopping spoiling her and the baby before. I mean come on us guys we hate shopping with a passion but yesterday i was full of joy, happiness and just wanted to see both of them smiling. I was actually happy! It surprised me in the evening when i was sharing some thoughts and chatting with my wife, that i can actually be happy without a single bet in my day. We talked for 45 mins about all the positive things about how much money would be extra now what we could do? what we could plan? We discussed all the negatives of gambling and how i had become whom i had become. I am going to see if at any point soon when the dark day comes, if i can bring those floods of ill feelings to the front of my frontal lobe and fight off the urges with them as a type of weapon. Listen i deserve to be happy, my family deserve to be happy why should i permit misery in my life because of a little white ball falling into a number on a wheel. I am having real reality checks more than urges though and what i mean by that is, as each day ends i lie in bed and realize that the urges have not come yet that the temptation has not come yet, so really i have not done anything exceptional for 6 days. The true tests and will power and abstinence is when i have a bank full of money and life is going well. This will be my dark hard hours. 6 days is nothing it's a joke not real. So what!!!!! i managed to not click a website and gamble for a few days i didn't achieve anything??? This is a realization which is hard to swallow but i promise this, i will come here and tell you how it's going when it does hit me. I'm rambling now boring everyone, so i will sign off here. 6 days tho not bad especially for a degenerate gambler like me. Last time i took a 6 day break from gambling was like hmmm err let me think hmmmm......

CasinoRoyaLoser

You've achieved something by talking with your wife and not gambling for 6 days, it's the best start u could have. I had a very very big urge to gamble yesterday for a couple of hours but I resisted by just simply lying down and watching tv, the urge soon went. What would be the point of winning a couple of hundred quid I would only go and lose it and more today. Today is Saturday normally a big gambling day but my Saturdays are now gamble free just how I want them to be. Good luck mate

Hi CasinoLoser,

First off thanks for posting on my diary.

Secondly I want to congratulate on the steps you have taken to put barriers in place. These steps are not easy to take and to do it all at once was the best thing you could have done. Regardless of what has happened in the past you NOW have a clear conscience... ONLY because you for once are being honest. Keep that up.

Your stories really interest me, as I have experianced similar times. If it helps to write these things down then carry on to do so. It will also help YOU to understand who your WERE as a person and who you DONT WANT to be in the future.

Now for the tough bit. Like you I have tried to stop many many times and failed. I was remorseful and I guess when I was weak it was easy to give in. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THE THOUGHTS THAT EAT AWAY AT YOU. Right now you have recently stopped, which is fantastic. What im trying to say is dont get complacent. There is no cure, but over time urges and thoughts become less frequent. Im talking from experiance, as I have now stopped for almost 4 months. My longest ever period for 7 years even though I have recently split up from my partner, moved house and at the same time had no money to live from with 10 payday loans that I couldnt afford.

Im in a much better place now because I WANTED to do this for myself. I WANTED to be a better person and I can only hope I stay strong.

Sorry for rambling,

Scambling 🙂

6 days well done so far

keep going as everyone else is saying

its a good start

@Triangle thanks mate, it's 5pm here only an evening to go and onto one week.

Feels so amazing, one hour at a time for me.

Just had a Skype call with my father, told him my week i can see he's not convinced but happy im trying.

Hi CasinoLoser or do you mind if I rename you LifesWinner as that is what you're going to be as you beat this addiction from your life one second at a time of every day of your life. You seem to have a loving and supportive wife and baby that you idolise - continue to look at them every day and enjoy the simple things in life that don't take you near gambling. Keep being strong, I'll be continuing to read your diaries and help you every step of the way. Something in your first post touched me so much that although I have difficulty typing this due to physical disablement I feel from my heart I want to make this effort for you and also for me to continue to be strong and stay away from online gambling.

Mo

Not long to the start of the challenge mate and am sure all of us will make it to Christmas.its not going to be easy but we will jst have to grit our teeth and get on with it. Scottyboy is not betting today for a better tomorrow 😉

Scottyboy

Hi CasinoLoser, thanks taking the time to post on my diary and offering your support, it is much appreciated.

I have been reading your diary with great interest especially when you have been reminiscing about the past, it is a good way to remind ourselves of how we felt when at our lowest when gambling. Whatever your doing is working for you and let me congratulate you on your 1 week milestone tomorrow. I wrote in my diary how angry I was at myself but trust me it does get easier in time, and life is so much better since I've stopped and that's the worst I've felt in the last 108 days which I personally think is not bad going.

When your urges do eventually come distract yourself as quickly as possible, read diary's or write in your own, ride it out until it passes, just don't go back to the dark side. The challenge is also very good as there is extra pressure not to let anyone else down which helps when the urges do come so it's good to see you have joined.

Glad you are enjoying the small changes already with your wife and little one.

Good luck with your recovery and continuing abstinence.