Change is changing as things have got to change

So you are of the age to remember ! Ha! Ha! , your right they were definately more about fun then , people actually enjoyed chatting amongst each other . I'm not saying we still didn't lose money but it was a much more relaxed place to be then , a part of the community almost , unlike the cold efficent , money making machines they've become today , where people don't even bother to look up from the trance like state there in when playing the Fobt's. And yes I do count myself as someone in a trance ! But thankfully not anymore !!.

Have a great day my friend .. Regards Alan

Day 57. Been focused on work and my son so no gambling. Enjoying getting back up to speed with the forum and made a few posts last night.

Feels good to log in and see day 60. Wooooohoooo. Hope everyone ok.

Agreed seems as bookies cleaned up they actually became more soulless quite odd really.

Day 65... keep the faith

Hi Change and thanks for the post , your so right in what you say . Afew months ago, a day like today would have involved vast sums of money going missing from my bank account and then the shame would begin !.

Great to see you doing so well Buddy , all the best , stay well and talk to you soon .............................Alan

Day 70... having a tough day. Boss was being awkward. So tired after looking after my son all weekend and got more to do tonight. Feel like I'm in a trance in so tired... zombie state. Snooker is on the tv and I always remember gambling on it so can't enjoy watching it which is upsetting. Just want to go to bed and wake up without having any negative thoughts. Really tough day and life is particularly difficult for me now due to various reasons that I don't want to go into. Whenever I get like this i just want to fast forward my life by 5-10 years to a place when hopefully everything is resolved. That's really sad ain't it? But I have that thought all the time. I want to wipe out a chunk of time because I can only focus on the negatives rather than the joyous moments there will also be in that period. I'm still struggling with a purpose for my life as well. I have a professional job but it bores the pants off me. I just want to put my head down and ride it out to retirement rather than do something about it. Fairly upset today and don't know how well I've articulated it.

Hiya Change , sorry to hear your feeling a bit p*s+ed off buddy !.

I've got used to the idea that I'm still gonna get craap days if I gamble or I don't , although I'm happy in recovery now I still get my moments , difference now is that I can spot the sign's and to be honest I'd rather be piiiiised off than chucking my hard earned down the slot of a Fob't !!.

Maybe job wise it could be time for a fresh challenge ? Not sure how old you are but youv'e changed you life so dramatically over the past couple of months and maybe worth considering if the current one bore's you so much , coz we all know what boredom does to us ?.

Whatever you do fella , don't wish your life away, youv'e just got it back and it would be silly to waste that precious gift , I know exactly what you mean when you say it though, if you could clear the debt , be gamble free and fast forward a bit , it would all be good ?, but we cant, we have to take it one day at a time , through the ups and downs of our feelings during recovery and at some point we'll get there mate , we will emerge on the other side gamble, free back in control of our lives and happy once more !!.

Many congratulations my friend on 70 days gamble free , am well impressed !!!

Take care Change and chin up ..............Regards ....................Alan

Thanks Alan. Really kind post. Things just getting on top and get feelings of dread too often. I dunno what to say really. Just feel mega down and can't snap out of it.

To be honest mate , I went through a lot of that in the early weeks, couldn't really put my finger on what it was but just felt really down , maybe as we settle down into recovey , that initial high we get from stopping wears off a bit ? Or maybe were just getting used to "Normal life " ? , and being back in touch with feelings and emotions , I'd become quite numb to those .

Things will come my friend , youv'e done the hard bit now just let it happen .

Thanks again Alan. I just went to get for an hour. I just need to get through this period and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

In other news... I bought Christmas lights for outside the house after about 4 years of promising this to my wife. She was even surprised that it had eventually happened! My debt is nearly gone. Have a period where there's none and then living expenses force me into a little red before get paid next. Might be like that for a couple of months given Christmas coming up. Short of thing that doesn't cause sleepless nights (as I've done well to get it down to the level it's at) but just annoys you each month!

Hi change,

Well done you on getting to 71 days,

Hope you are feeling brighter today, those negative thoughts will come and go, but they don't last long, it is part of the recovery process,

You are doing fine, keep strong

Suzanne xxx

Another tough day. My boss is just being an @ss and trying best to ridicule me infront of other people because he knows I can't tell him to f***f. Really affecting me though and being going around in my head all night. Actually had a call from a recruiter today that didn't sound too bad for a change. Maybe I'll think about it a bit more.

Really want to gamble so bad. Just the stress of the day forces me into depression and I think things can't go worse. Just got to keep plodding on. I still think about my failings over and over and it causes a negative cycle in my outlook. It's inherent in me and something I can't seem to shake since I started compulsive gambling. I was never such a down person in the past but I think it's just ruined me over the years and turned me into a miserable person.

I hope that 2016 will be the year for me. 2015 has still been affected by too much gambling and I set out in Februrary to kick this. So many relapses. I can't go down that road again. Please lord keep me on the straight and narrow.

Keep the faith.

Post me back as it helps to chat. Thanks.

Hi Change, You sound so much like I feel at times, just had a bath and was laying there for about an hour with loads of wierd thoughts going back and forth in my mind , thinking about the past , how I came to where I am now with all the gambling craaap and feeling totally pee'd of with what I've done and what I've lost .

Although I thought I'd got over a lot of it and moved on , it still effing hurts at times !.

I know that these feelings will pass , Ithink I'm just really tired at the moment , since starting recovery I've thrown myself into work , both at home and with my job , I'm trying to keep occupied but Ithink I've become compulsive about that now !, think its trying to make up for all the years ive lost?.

The only difference with both of us now is that a few months ago , we would have run as fast as we could to the arms of the bookie to seek refuge for our upsets in life , so we must have made some giant steps now my friend as were now able to deal with life's ups and downs in a proper fashion , Head on !!.

Obviously for you the job's not helping matters , so fingers crossed there might be something on the horizon ?, then you can tell your boss , to go forth and multiply !!.

We still need to take one day at a time Buddy , so stay strong and positive ! , always here for support .....................Alan