[Closed] Charly's life

Hi Charly,

Just dropped by to blow you some kisses - mwah!

Take care,

f x

Hello Sabine,

I wish I could do something... feel so bloody useless. Fight girl. We are all here fighting for you and sending you so much strength for you to push on through these treatments. I can only imagine how awful they must make you feel.

You are such a brave and amazing person Sabine. You have learnt and achieved so much.... but there is more waiting for you, when you are ready.... Not to mention those monkeys waiting for a visit from their favourite No.1 fan 😉

Your posts have always been special to me and you have helped me in my personal life through reading them. I have learnt so much about this addiction(and life) through your words.

Sabine I know your Angel and family will be doing all they can for you right now. Just wanted to let you know that you are in our thoughts and hearts.... Get well my friend.

Love to you and yours

Jackie & Jim xxx

Just sending you some love, can't put it any better than Jac just did.

We are all holding your hand through this, Sabine.

Keep fighting,

f x

Change is sometimes necessary

Despite the fact that many of us live turbulent, chaotic lives; we don't like change. This causes us to seek our security in familiar places, rather than reach out for the unknown that lies ahead.

This may not be real security, however, because familiar places and situations also change. Our resistance to change may simply be the fear of trying something new.

If we find that fear of change is causing us to put up with a situation that's become unsatisfactory, we need to adjust our attitude toward it. While we view change as risky, it may be the necessary route for improvement. Let's start by simply accepting the idea that change is sometimes necessary. After that, we can expect our Higher Power to guide us to the new situations that are right for us.

Today I may find myself fearing change. I'll remind myself that nothing ever stays the same, and that only change can bring the true good I'm always seeking.

Hi my friends

The above sum my las months up nicely, I think.

Thank you for all your messages and prayers.

It makes such a huge diffeence to my life to know I have people around the world who care what happens to me. For that I am grateful and I thank you.

A lot has happened since I have posted last which was a month ago.

Angel and I very much enjoyed the camoing break, although, most of the time we stayed ont he campsite as I wasn't feeling too good. We managed to see bits of Dorchester, including the Terracotta Wqarrior museum which ws very interesting. We also spend 2 half days at Monkey World. It was nice to hear the golden cheek gibbons' calls all the way to the tent.

Things changed when we came home. For one or another reason I temporarily lost my positivity. I felt scared and loney, thinking I was battling everythin on my own. I spoke at length with my little brother about it and he said I really ought to share my feelings int he G.A. room. That took some guts.

From writing my thoughts down and sending them to my little brother to actually vocalising my fears...boy..that was a huge step...one I did take, thanks to the prodding of my G.A. brother. When I wrote things down, it became apparent that a lot of the stuff I was moaning about was justa lot of noise. It was the underlying stuff that ws causing me problems. What reall bugged me was the fact that I became increasingly scared..scared of dying..horrible thoughts came into my mind...what if this chemo doesn't work...how will my angel and my children cope? And my poor Mum and Dad? How would they cope with losing another child???

And all of that fear was neatly hiden behind doing all sorts of things everywhere, keep my self busy, I thoguht,then I don;t have think about this or face it....

Nah..that only worked for so long and then something had to give. I broke down and shared all of this with my little brother Rich, who, as always pointed me in the right direction and I will forever love him for this.

He held my hand when I shared my emotions in my G.A. meeting, but share I did.

Since then I have plucked up the courage to ask the right questions at the hospital.

I have been told that my CA125 levels have halfed since the start of my chemo this time round, which means the treatment is working.

I have learned that my fear of talking stems back from my former marriage and the way my ex-husband always belittled, made fun of, or just beat me, if I had any concerns. And I also learned that this fear goes even further back to my childhood. My parents never accepted the fact that I or my siblings had feelings, real feelings to deal with and they were important to us. When we tried to voice them, we were told to shut up and just get on with it. Now I don't blame my parents because I think they did the best they could with four children and I am sure they had and still have they own demons to fight.

I am grateful for the program and the tools I have been given through G.A. and this site.

Sending love and hugs to all of you.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi charly.

I really really hope all turns out well for you.

You are an inspiration for everyone on here.

I'm not a religious person but i do hope that some higher hand makes sure you of all people on here comes out stronger than ever!

Take care and all the best.

Viggo.

Hi charly,

Im glad you took some time away, because that meant you were taking care of yourself.

Its fantastic news about your blood results - sounds like the boost you needed, to renew the fighting energy inside! Im glad you faced your feelings and voiced your fears - I did keep thinking 'Wow, she is really strong and positive - but can anyone really be THAT strong?' I had a feeling there must be some fear there, but you had to wait til the time was right for you.

Sending you loads of love and strength.

Take care,

f x

Hi Diary

Thanks Freda for your kind words.

And yes, of course there is fear somewhere.

I just had to recognise it and try and deal with it.

Often, when I was in my gambling mode, I would have my head in the sand like an ostrich, hoping the bad stuff would just disappear. I know better now. I can ignore things for so long and then it'll come at me with the force of a steam train and I have no choice but to look at it, feel it, deal with and then hopefully pass it on to my Higher Power to sort. This is one of the character trades I have identified as one to work on. I try not to let things fester or keep them in my head too long. It does me no good.

Last night was a special night at my G.A. meeting for me and two others.

I reached my 3 year mile stone on the 5th June and last night I was presented with my 3 year pin alongside another 3 year and a 4 year pin. It was nice to see so many people there celebrateing with us, inspite of the football.

My little brother and a few others made me cry. Boohoo.... happy tears, embarrassed tears...

I still don't do compliments and when people say nice things about me I don't know how to handle that and I usually just start blubbering.... that in itself can be annoying/embarrassing at times, but I have a life time to make good all the defects I have identified within me.

God Bless

Sabine xx

Here is the daily thought from Hazelden:

One comes, finally, to believe whatever one repeats to one's self, whether the statement is true or false.

--Napoleon Hill

Our inner dialogue can have awesome power. It often determines the behavior that defines who we are. We do, of course, have some choice as to the direction this inner dialogue will take. It's as easy to affirm our self-worth with positive messages as it is to tear ourselves down with negative ones. And yet, many of us fall so easily into negative patterns of thought.

As with so many aspects of our life, we become proficient at what we regularly practice. The regular, preferably daily, use of positive affirmations can make such a profound contribution to our well-being and willingness to grow and learn, that it can change the course of our life. All we have to do is develop the discipline to make these positive messages habitual. In so doing, we bring our vision of ourselves in line with God's, Who accepts us completely as we are.

The messages I give myself today will remind me that I am a capable and lovable child of God.

You are reading from the book:

In God's Care by Karen Casey

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Depression and Despair

Do we go about our daily work dutifully but joylessly? Have we settled for less in our jobs, homes, or relationships than we want? Have we substituted financial security or physical comfort for the freedom to pursue our heart's desires?

Very few of us give ourselves the opportunities to explore our real interests and potentials. We "lock" ourselves into rigid ways of regarding the world and our options. We often settle for less than our highest aspirations because we have conditioned ourselves into thinking life is joyless endurance or survival at best.

In order to change the empty circumstances in our lives we need to change our limited thinking patterns. Instead of looking at life as a prison, we can view it as a smorgasbord of opportunities that are well within our reach. By exploring and sampling the choices before us we can discover which choices bring us inner satisfaction and increase our sense of purpose.

TODAY I will remind myself of what Roman philosopher Seneca said hundreds of years ago, "The great blessings of mankind are within us, and within our reach..."

You are reading from the book:

The Reflecting Pond by Liane Cordes

Hi Charly,

Thank you for your wisdom as always. I certainly relate to the thoughts in your last post. Am in good spirits as i type but the self-limiting beliefs described are certainly an aspect of my character that I want to work on. But at this moment in time I feel good and positive.. I will enjoy the moment as am sure would you 🙂

As always a big well done to you and your continued recovery from gambling addiction.. all the best.. S.A

Today's thought from Hazelden is:

People have always wanted to talk to me about their problems. I guess I'm a good listener. Maybe I have something to contribute after all.

--Joann Reed

No one is without value in this life. Maybe we haven't discovered our unique purpose or special gifts, but we each have a place in the universe or we wouldn't be here.

Each of us can offer friends a valuable gift every day - we can listen. Messages from our Higher Power often come through the words of others. We perform a wonderful service for our companions by listening and by sharing our own experience and advice.

Rapt attention - giving it and receiving it - is perhaps the most valuable contribution any of us can make. Let's never underestimate the sacredness of listening.

I will keep my own mind quiet if a friend wants to share concerns today. That way, my heart may be able to offer wisdom.

Have a good day in recovery.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine xx

Hi charly/Sabine,

lovely to hear you are back and got as much as you could out of your holiday.

The sharing of thoughts must have been so hard but then nothing worth doing ever is I reckon.You are bound to have concerns and you are entitled to any fears, don;t bottle it up my friend you know your angel would hate not to be allowed to support you, even though I understand you want to protect him too.

Sending you hugs,take care my friend.

love

Wxxxx

Hi Diary

Things are on an even keel again in Charly's world. well as even as I let it be even.

My little brother says to me, you need to share... don't let things fester in your brain because the brain can make a little thing in to an unsermountable issue...he's so right, bless him

I have this crazy ability to think for others..lol

Something happens and I uncannily know what the other person is going to say or do...my brain plays those scenarios out for me in detail. Once that has happened I often don't talk to said person, because in my mind that conversation has already taken place and I know how the person is goin to react.

Why do I do this to myself???

I DO NOT know how someone else is going to react.

How can I? I don't know how I am going to react to anything until it happens.

This is one character defect I have real big issues with. It is very difficult to change something I do all the time. My brain goes into autopilot and just plays tape after tape.

And then I am often pleasantly surprised when things have a totally different outcome to the one I thought of.

Why am I surprised? Because my brain told a totally different story. And that's what it is until it actually happens, a story.

I must remember that I can only do things for myself, think for me only and act for me only.

I have made some progress on this as I can at least recognise this as a flaw now. I can sometimes stop myself mid thought and tell myself...wow..stop...you don't know if this is how it is going to pan out...

Higher Power, please guide me when my brain tries to do it's own version of events.

Have a good day in recovery

God Bless

Charly/Sabinexx

Charly, our brains are indeed complex and sometimes get in the way of seeing that life itself can be simple if only we allow it to be so. I know I used to over analyse things that happened or even that I thought were going to happen. I felt guilty when things occured that I had absolutely no control over and used to worry about similar things constantly. I gambled heavily on a daily basis and my brain could not cope with all the anguish, worry and guilt that I felt.

Eventually I had a nervous breakdown which looking back I always say was seven years coming and seven years going--perhaps I smashed a couple of mirrors. I used to worry and think about why I had the nervous breakdown and worry if I would have another---amazingly as it happens I did not have another one but looking back it feels as if I was almost wanting or expecting another one to happen--was it so I could say woe is me?? who knows and who cares--I don't now.

When I stopped gambling I changed in more ways than one. It was down to me alone to stop gambling but alone I cannot change much of what goes on in life that does not directly involve me. I have learned to accept that life does not always run sweet and that there will be ups and downs in life but generally these will be 'imposters' and soon life will return to the centre line of relative normality.

Our brains are indeed complex but sometimes we do make life difficult for them by giving them even more tasks to do for us. I know that in my case when I was ill I overloaded my brain as far as I am now concerned and basically it virtually shut down for a while to recover.

I hope you are able to remain on your even keel-------however even you let it be.

All the best

Stumper x

Thanks Charly/sabine

You right, I am back to day one, but Im trying.

Its nice that you feel on an even keel. High five!!!!

f x

Hello Charly

Shoot your one hell of a woman, a true inspiration! Keep it up!

Have been steadily reading your diary from day 1, long journey but unreal how you've steadily evolved and the people you've never met value your very being!!!!

High, low and middle five!!!!

Paul