[Closed] Charly's life

love you Sabine xxx

Hi Everyone. Just a quick note to say that all is well. I thank you all for your wonderful messages. I love you for it and am very grateful. I am writing this from my phone as my computer at home is sick at the moment. My cancer has stopped. It is still there but if it stays as it is I can live with it. No more chemo for a while, yeah. Check ups every 2 months and that's it for now. They can't say how the cancer will behave. It could start up in a few months or in a few years. But they have stuff to give me then. So all is good. Have started my school run again and am contributing to our bills which makes this girl happy. Thanks again for all your posts. I shall reply when I get my computer back. God Bless. Sabine

your post has just made my day lassie....im so pleased for you....by the way its not easy posting from a mobile but it works for my recovery 😉 best wishes to you sabine x

Thanks for letting us know Sabine. I think you have been in many peoples thoughts over the last few days. You deserve goodness in your life. You do much for many.

Hi Sabine.

Big smile here.

Thats great news.

Viggo.

Hi Sabine

Ive just found your diary on page 4 ,with the best bit of news ive heard for a while im glad you are better.All the best Jeff.

Hi Diary and all the wonderful people who share their issues here.

What a difference a few weeks can make. Just when you think things are settling down and you can move forward and live a bit..a sledge hammer comes down and whacks you over the head and sends you spiralling... I am so very grateful for all the tools given to me freely by my G.A. buddies and people here and on Safe Harbor...am grateful to have been given the chance to make enough changes to "Me" to try and stay positive and believe that things do happen for a reason. For without my faith, who knows where I would be now...

Sunday, week ago, my partner finally blew a gasket and jumped down my son's throat... things got so out of control that I had to get them apart. They were inches away from each other's faces screaming at each other. My son then did the mature thing and left the house... I don't think my partner is aware of how close he came to being punched(or maybe that's what he wanted to provoke).... and where would that have left this family...oh boy, there I am, trying to make a new home for my children after leaving their abusive father 8 years ago, promising them,that there will not be any more shouting..and then my partner goes, and completely loses it...

My son moved out the next day, is living with a mate and his parents for now.

He says he loves me and doesn't want my man and I to fall out, but he will not be coming back home any time soon... I know he's 23 and maybe this is the kick up the b**t he needed to maybe start standing on his own feet..but but but... I'm his Mum and it would have been nice if he could have moved out without this horrendous fight. I feel very much piggy in the middle, my man feels bad for putting me on this emotional roller coaster, but he's not doing anything to try and solve this either. He thinks, now he has finally told me about his issues which he has been carrying around for the best part of 6 years, it's enough for us to carry on as before.

Don't know if he thinks, that, if he puts his head in the sand long enough things will just sort themselves out...or what... I am really trying to stay positive.

And then my boy pops in while my partner is out..and ...boom...I'm on a guilt trip in my head without him saying much. We all have flaws and I believed we were all doing some sort of recovery together, but I guess I was wrong. I am aware that I can only change myself and they can only change theirselves, if we choose to see what's wrong and then choose to change things...

Boy, I so don't need all these painful emotions...I need time to get my body healed after all the poisonous treatment I have had...

Am in limbo and have no idea what to do...

Am scared and hurting....actually feels like someone has taken my heart and ripped it clean out of my chest....am really trying to apply serenity prayer but is tough at the moment... am trying to stay open minded and not judge, because we all have issues and each deal with our issues in a different way.

I have this tug of war going on in my head and my heart and I am tearing myself apart....

Needed to write this down before I implode...

I don't feel like doing anything at home..doesn't feel like home to me either at the moment.. can't be asked to get the Christmas decorations from the loft... son says he won't be here then, so what's the point.... All my life I felt that my purpose in life was to look after my children and the man in my life...seems I have to re-think and learn to look after "Me"... Very painful revelation and realisation...where to start ...what to do... haven't got a clue....

roller coaster brain...thoughts going through mind at 100 miles an hour, I think something, then reason with myself, then think of something else, reason with myself...and so on...gotta stop this soon or I'll drive myself mad....

Emotions are such tough things to deal with...

One thing I will not do however bad things get...... I am not going to gamble...I will not escape down that dark, dark alley again... I will find a way...painful as it may be... God, please show me the way...

Sabine

very Sorry to read that sabine. ..as if you haven't got enough on your plate. ..chin up lass ,you've got loads friends on here and we're all here for you x

Sabine,

I don't think I have written on your diary before but I have read it carefully in the past and drawn strength from it.

A quick note on your recent post...

It's not your issue to fix. Nothing stopping you putting up your decorations and enjoying Christmas, with your son and with your partner. Its up to them to be man enough and work things out for your benefit. It doesn't seem like you need to decide between them. Why should you? Its a really difficult predicament but the relationship between you and your son should remain same and also between you and your partner. Tell them to sort it out, that you have enough on your plate.

Apologies for the overly simple perspective on your problems.

Brian

Thanks for your comments.

Simple is usually a good thing, because often I think to complicated.

Christmas however is a time for family to get together. After what happened between my 2 boys(their behaviour doesn't warrant the term "man") and what was said(some of which was purely to upset the other, I'm sure), my son isn't ready to face my partner to talk things through and my partner isn't prepared to have son back until he changes his behaviour.. Too much anger still on both sides.

And yes, that is something they have to sort out.

I, however cannot get into the Christmas spirit with all this hanging over us.

I am not going to pretend that I am enjoying Christmas. If I start pretending, I am going back to the old me, who has done that for far too long. I am not prepared to sacrifice all the hard work I have put in. Selfish, yeah, probably, but I think it's called self preservation, at least that is how I see it.

If they want a Christmas tree etc, then they can put it up... I can't be asked...a bit like they can't be asked (sounds a bit childish, but that is how I feel at the momnet)

When you live in a family unit, compromises have to be made by all who live within that unit, and all have to be prepared to work at this...if that doesn't happen, then the harmony of the family unit is in danger...

I have neither the energy to get the Xmas stuff from the loft nor the strength...

It cannot be, that I am the only one working at this...

Or maybe it is me...maybe it is just I who wants this..and they are quite happy the way they are....hmmmm...I don't think so... partner looks unhappy, son looks unhappy, I am unhappy....

No can do until they both decide to grow up...

Until they do, I am cancelling Christmas for me, because I cannot and will not lie and pretend....

Hi Sabine.

Just popping in.Sorry to hear alls not as it should be in your house at the moment.Hopefully with time they will calm down and things can get back to normal(as normal as they can be).

I'm sure your son and your man really don't want to put this on you.

This is just men being stubborn!

You look after yourself.

All the best.

Viggo.

Sabine

Sorry to hear your latest story of the conflict going on in your family. You do not deserve it.

We all have our share of problems but you have had more than most.

I feel for you and hope it all works out so that you do have a Happy Christmas.

Love

David

Hi Diary and my gamcarian friends. Thank you for all your support and kind words.

This girl apprecaites them, they help a lot.

Today I have been reading bits of diaries and then the following thoughts entered my mind.

When I first stopped gambling, I would whole heartedly throw myself into reading diaries and writing on them, trying to give advise as best I could with the hints and tips I had been given...I can see this being repeated over and over again... one part of me says ..this is great...share experiences and stop gambling...easy...

The other part of me is a bit sad.. a lot of people write and share their day to day happenings but they often fail to write down what it is they are doing different... How they are stopping gambling and staying stopped? What is it they are changing?

I can only tell you about the changes I have made to "me". When I was given the 12 step program of G.A. 3 1/2 years ago, I was confused, I thought, hmmm..they are religious, they talk a lot of God in their books...hmmm....not sure if I agree with all that..I am not a religious person... and then I found out that they are not religious at all, recovering from an addiction is a spiritual journey, one, where you have to find the real you somewhere inside of you.

What a journey I have had since... I am still a work in progress and there is still loads I need to figure out and learn and try to understand.

But.... I must have made some of the changes I was asked to make, I must have changed the way I think about things... I say I must have done those things, because...I'm not sure when or how it happened... I now have faith... I now believe, things happen for a reason... I now have the ability to step back and look at a situation and think about it...

I no longer have my head in the sand hoping things will just dissappear and situations will just resolve themselves....I no longer lie, I am honest to those around me... Even with all that has happened in the past few years, I no longer feel this humoungous urge to go and gamble. I don't need to run away from me and my emotions any more....

But..it is hard work... looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself exactly what you don't like about yourself and then begin to change that behaviour and those thoughts.

Well that is what I am doing every day... and I hope what I have written makes some kind of sense to someone else... I know it makes sense to me...

Have a gamble free life

God Bless

Sabine

P.S.

Sometimes in life everyone has to stand up for what they believe in.

I believe that change comes from within... I don't think it would do my recovery any good if I were to rant and rave at others... only..because that would be too easy you see... I used to blame others for my behaviour..I only recently thought that the fight between my 2 boys was my fault... I know though that it is something I have very little influence over. They need to want to sort this and they need to want to change....

I can only change me and my behaviour.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, even harder then battling cancer.....look at me, really look deep inside and discover things I really didn't like, things I did, I wasn't proud of, things I said, I'm ashamed of...boy, there was a long list... I am still working on some of it, I am a work in progress...

All I'm saying is that I can change me, I cannot change others....

Bless you all xx

It was good to see you in chat again. I meant what I said, the kindness you have shown others will come back to you. Sabine, you are in my thoughts. 2010 has been a rough year for many, it has not been a good year for me included. I was us all a better year next year.

My love, Graham

Hi Charly.. you make alot of sense in what you say and you know yourself how well your doing with working on "self" in recovery.

Your thoughts gets me thinking...I remember along time ago when my dad wrote me a letter and he said words to the effect of "if we need to discuss financial or practical matters then get in touch... anything to do with emotions then speak to your mother am not interested.

I understood what he was saying. For my dad we all had roles and for him it was the womens role to look after the emotional health of the family.. classic family as a functional unit (to get all sociological).

However I don't agree with this way of thinking. Its like you say the bottom line is that it is the individuals responsibility to look after ones own emotional health... other people cannot manage my own feelings. I spent years focussing on others well being and emotional health and neglected my own... cue the gambling.

Am sure the men in your life will work things in their own way.. given time. All the best in recovery.. S.A