My soul is whipped, my head is wrecked and I know I have to find a way to stop slipping!
Day one again after a good break away from gambling.
I heard of the passing of someone I knew yesterday....a young woman with a gambling problem. What did I do? I went straight to the casino and told myself I was doing it to try win enough money to get the f**k away from where I am and start over in another place.
Whether that was the real reason or whether it was my subconscious wanting an escape and a release I don't know...I am tired, so very tired of trying and failing and wanting to figure it all out so I can stop.
I went to my local addiction centre and was told I don't have a problem with gambling, that my problem is my personal life and if I get that sorted I won't gamble. Ha! I think I can safely say I DO have a problem and yes I am definitely a compulsive gambler...like I would be admitting that if it weren't true! Then I was told to get help somewhere else as they don't deal with gamblers anymore, just drug addicts and alcoholics.
Talk about feeling isolated!
Anyway it's the same old cr** feeling today...had actually forgotten just how bad it feels to have acheived time gambling free and then sabbotage it all again! Of course I did win some money and put it all back in chasing more and then lost my own too! Have left myself with very little and only because that was left at home incase of emergency. It's as well that I did leave that small amount at home or I would have absolutely nothing now to get through the week. However I am gutted at the loss...it took me a while to build that up and now boom gone again.
The pain and the weariness of starting over and over and over again...the damage I feel that does to my emotional and mental health and yet I still do it.
Any suggestions welcome please as I really need to get my life moving forward in a positive direction, not round and round in the old circles forever more as I watch my life go down the pan.
Every one around me I am encouraging....my kids are doing well in college and improving in life all the time and making advances. I can't do that for me though.
What a mess!
Hi Allannah
Really sorry to read your relapse And I can see how much pain you are in now
You are not alone or isolated on this forum so keep posting your thoughts and feelings it will help you release the pain and despair
Not easy to dust yourself off and get back up but you have already done that so very well done for that
If at first we don't succeed we try again and again and again
Wishing you strength and positivity on your continuing recovery and don't be too hard on yourself
Take care
Suzanne x
Thanks so much for your reply Suzanne. I plan on coming on here every day and checking in from now on....I found it really helped before but this time I am going to do the recovery diary, and hopefully that will help me more to stay the right road.
Yep it feels I am starting over for the millionth time...it feels like building a model from scratch and putting so much work and effort into it, only to crush it to the ground and see it destroyed. It is exhausting to say the least.
I find I only gamble when I am in Ireland where I live. When I visit U.K. where my boyfriend lives I never gamble even though I pass by casino's when I am there!
Whether it's habit or wether it's an escape from a horrible feeling of being dismissed and disrespected of my boundaries here...I don't know.
Anyway sorry for the ramble and thanks again x
Hi Alanah! Welcome and good for you.... being back here with honesty and openness about your worries. The feelings you have at this moment are hideous - I know - they're VERY familiar to me! However, draw some comfort from the fact that those awful feelings will ultimately contribute to your total recovery. Every time I get the urge, I remind myself of those feelings of desperation and self-loathing. BE STRONG keep posting on ur diary - keep reading other posts - you're not alone in this. Helen. X
Hey Allanah
Ramble as much as you want cos it does help to fight this bloody awful addiction
You sound more positive already take a deep breath let yesterday go take one day at a time with everything and life will soon fall back into place
I and everyone on here are wAlking right along side with you to a happier and healthier life which is what all of us strive to achieve WE WILL GET THERE its the only way to go forward
If we fall down we don't gat back up and start walking backwards we get back up and start walking forwards again
Well done to you
Suzanne xx
Thanks Helen, I appreciate your post.
Thank you too again Suzanne. Really have to let go now and keep moving forward. I really need to find a way to be at one with letting go of my gambling losses and stop dwelling on the money that's gone, before I put myself in financial ruin completely! Not to mention wreck my head even more or my health.
It's a toughie!!! Thinking about our losses ... For me, that's the hardest part - thousands upon thousands!! You KNOW you can't EVER get that money back! If I gambled until I was 150 I wouldn't get back a quarter of what I've squandered. Put the past, together with ALL those losses behind you ... think about how much you are winning by NOT GAMBLING. A month.... you will see a huge difference .... a week and you will be so chuffed with yourself.... you'll feel so much better and you'll be able to sleep. BE STRONG!!! Helen. X
The start of my second day, since my last slip.
I am meeting a friend from G.A. today for a cuppa and a chat. He is in recovery a while and has managed to stay gambling free...he's great with advice and has experienced a lot, so really good to sit with him and gain some valuable advice.
I am determined that I cannot gamble ever again! I am willing now to leave the losses of money and STOP chasing them...even if I won I would not be a winner and it would eventually go back. Gambling is a thief, it takes us from the real world into a cold and dark existence.
Good luck to all today, hope you all have peace within. I will not gamble today! x
Woke up really depressed....tears flowing and head so low. I know it's not because I want to gamble, but rather I want an escape...I want to run from here....the pain of emotional torment for years.
I am in a difficult situation that I can't seem to free myself from no matter how I try.
If anything drives me back to gamble it will be this. I know I am in charge of me, and I make my own choices so just for today I ask for the strength not to look for a quick fix to make money to get me out of here....not to look for an escape at a slot machine and to be able to sit with myself and cope with it.
Hi Alannah. Hope your ok. read yr post yesterday and felt for you so much. sending you a virtual hug and hope yr coping . Stay strong, as we all must x
Thanks for your reply 🙂
Still holding on in there...haven't gambled and today is day 4. Finding it hard to keep motivated to do anything but pushed myself out the door last night to accompany my daughter somewhere and later today I'm gonna bring some sandwiches to some local workers who are on a picket line due to being treated very unfairly by their boss. It helps I find to take the focus off how I am feeling if I help someone else who is needing support.
Looking forward to a night with close friends on saturday evening and in the meantime trying to take one day at a time.
Thanks again for your post x
Well done on the 4 days it is definitely hardest the first week, I myself went bet free for near enough a year and have been having bets here and there and am trying to get a handle on it again. best of luck and I shall be keeping up to date with your diary
Hi Alannah. Glad to hear yr ok. The first few days are the hardest but as the days pass ive found the urges lessen and I can enjoy life again, sleeping better, less anxious etc. Hang in there, stay strong and resolute and u will feel better xx
Thanks for your lovely comments....sorry to say though that I've blown it. Dissapointed, gutted, ashamed doesn't even come close.
I felt the walls closing in on me last night and as usual I needed to detach and be by myself where I wasn't feeling controlled.
No point in me even asking myself why I choose a slot machine to do this, because I will never understand why.
It's bad enough I have had other people in my life disrespect my boundaries and push in on my life but now I'm continuously taking away my own control too....
I am shattered trying to start over and over and over...
Haven't the energy any more to deal with this and yet I have to deal with it one way or the other.
Hi Allanah,
Don't despair too much, pick yourself up and start again. You can and will beat this don't let another thing control your life.
We are all human and have frailties so keep focused and stay strong. You are worthy and you can do this
Take care and best wishes
Cheryl xxx
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