Day 48

So it's day 48 since I last gambled and I am wide awake contemplating life. Everyone in the house hold is asleep and I just feel physically sick as I feel like I am catapulted back to the night I gambled away all my wages.... I've finally found a car to replace my broken one and my employers are helping me towards cost of it which I'm super happy about... But I feel guilty and ashamed 

I am really proud of my recovery and in the day I'm getting better at going back to my old self but the lack of sleep at night is getting silly and my unwilliness to socialise  makes me feel so guilty and pants this time of night but I feel like I am in a whirlwind of emotions and just have to take each day has it comes. 

I'm a bit scared of my thoughts because for the first time for a while I want to gamble and nights are my trigger I'm a bit irritated too like I can't settle enough to sleep or concentrate on watching programmes so thought I would type on here.  I guess I feel like the excitement of a working car is the buzz I used to get when gambling so I guess that's where my mind is heading.

I guess it's all about rewiring my brain to have the buzz of life without the lows that follow hard to explain and put into words 

I've had a hard week. I've been lost on public transport my car is broken I nearly lost my job and was an. Emotional wreck 

My gamcare Councillor is a superstar she has really helped to level me off over recent weeks. 

I have an assessment tomorrow for other therapy to deal with the emotional side as to why I gamble which I am hopeful about but once again involves me speaking out loud about my feelings and makes me a bit nervous but I've got this. It's hard but I've got this