Despair / Hope?

Yeah can relate with your thoughts with finding away out of this gambling mess. Sometimes it does feel hopeless when were back at day one all the time. Guess that's why I stopped counting days and just staying at day zero. Hopefully end up being zero gambling days for the rest of my life. Guess I'm already a exgambler as long as I don't step out of it. LOL guess we just gotta keep trying to find what works for us. Only shame in not trying to find the solution to it.

Welcome back.

Defeated

i read your post over and over,i saw myself ten months ago, i see today that gambling beat me had me licked . Recovery is bespoke a path you find to suit you.

There is no magic potions or pill to stop the addiction,but through each day of abstinence life becomes clearer the fog lifts ,for me procrastination and the time i have back beat any win i ever had.i cannot win because i cannot stop.

Well abstain and maintain,result a 100% payrise.

Duncs stepping forward never bAck

'I use gambling as my comfort blanket, it numbs me from the real world.'

Money can be recovered but time can't, that's my biggest regret since giving up gambling is looking back at the times I was consumed by my addiction because I didn't think it was an addiction. It's easier a lot of the time to not let anybody into your life and gambling puts a barrier between us and the real world- it takes us away from the people that really matter. A lot of the time when I was struggling with something I would ignore it and turn to gambling to distract me from the harsh realities- I now realise that's the cowards route.

Who made me realise this, someone who really cared about me- I honestly don't think I could have changed if I didn't have some sort of ambition. I've tried giving up before and there was no real incentive or true desire as I knew gambling had helped me grieve before. If you're going to give up gambling the here and now will be tough but you get through that by thinking about a better future... Like I said you can't recover the time you lost but you can sure as hell make sure that you have a good time without gambling, have your freedom back, start living life with the strength knowing that you can beat your demons.

I'll be honest, the day I decided I'd quit once and for all I thought I was fine perfectly normal... then 1 thing started a week of soul searching and I went through a whole load of emotions, a delayed reaction I think in some ways. Now I look back on that week as the turning point, I wasn't proud to see myself that way as I thought I was stronger but I made my peace with the people that my gambling affected and I'm a shedload happier for it now.

HI Defeated,

Well done on coming back you may be defeated now but it doesnt have to be that way.

'I use gambling as my comfort blanket, it numbs me from the real world.'.

I to used gambling as a place to hide from the real world, from how i was feeling, from things i couldnt be bothered or didnt want to deal with so for me once i understood that I knew that it wasnt just about stopping gambling, I had to take control back of my life and grow a pair and deal with life and more importantly how i feel . felt about things.

This isnt just about stopping gambling and holding on for dear life, its a programme of recovery and change, each time i tackled something my confidence grew, my self esteem started to return and I started to look and deal with things in a way I never thought was possible, dont get me wrong its scarey sometimes and much much easier to hide behind gambling, BUT, If nothing changes..... Nothing changes.

Come back stronger defeated and dont remain defeated for long, start to make some small positive changes to you, your life, what ever you need to do. Take it nice and slow, one day at a time, live in the now , tomorrow will take care of itself.

I wish you all the very best.

Take care

Blondie

Hi Defeated (Tom)

I've just been flicking back on the diary pages and I came across this. As you know I have followed and supported you before so it brings me sorrow to see you still struggling. Worse still that you have not posted since that initial message.

Don't ever feel that gambling has beaten you. You are stronger than that. Start by changing that d**n username. You are not defeated! You may well have wasted time, money and energy and ruined relationships with family and friends by gambling. It's gone though. Try as we might we cannot change the past. We can change our futures though and the evidence is within these pages.

Find the strength Tom. One day at a time at first. Look yourself in the mirror each evening and tell yourself that today you did not gamble and that you are a better person for it.

Never give up on recovery. You can do this.

Hi, The above is good advice. I too am concerned that you haven't posted again. I too use gambling to escape and not have to face reality. Things may appear hopeless to you but gambling and other addictions mess with your mind so much.... you just have to keep the faith. DO change that name from "defeated" to something more encouraging as Curly suggested. I know what it's like to not want to get out of bed anymore but you must. Take one day at a time. You know that smiling, even if a totally fake smile, releases endorphins. If at all possible, exercise... even if just a walk. Fake it until you make it if you must. We're rootin' for you and there is support here. Hang in there and keep trying.

Me again. I'm very unsettled by your post and that you haven't posted again. I don't know why it's bothering me so much... maybe because you sound so very depressed, and I certainly can relate to that. You've mentioned the things you've done before but didn't mention seeing a doctor. Have you done that? Maybe some antidepressants would help? In my case, there are multiple addictions at play and my doc won't treat the depression unless I stop drinking and smoking pot. I've also dug myself in a deep debt and have to deal with that now... Please don't give up. Things can get better but you have to deal with reality and that's so hard and it may be totally sh*tty for a while but you have to believe it will be worth it. I know when it feels like you're completely drained how hard it is to post but please post again, even if just to say nothing more than hi.

Wow just flicking through some diarys trying to get some motivation to post again, then I see your posts, thank you Carla. We also have pot in common, I use numerous times a day have done for 16 years, just a tiny bit longer than the gambling. Guess we are just addicts, plain and simple.

Have had a new diary since this one but that also didn't last long.

If I sounded bad then will be worse now 2013 has been the worst gambling wise, just continually using gambling to self harm, I have also mastered the art of lying to myself 100%.

Thanks for the posts again, day two at the moment, need to get fully involved with the forum.

Atta boy! I really struggle with almost all addictions, though have stayed away from the very hard drugs. My vices are gambling, coffee, alcohol, cigarettes and pot. I use coffee, cigs and pot daily and have run out of money so can't gamble. If I'm not into one, then it's another. For example, I won't drive in an altered state so I'll use pot or alcohol to prevent me from driving to a casion. I haven't found a way to stop any of them completely and know what it's like to feel "defeated". Makes me think of a Leonard Cohen song... I could write "a manual for living with defeat". I too have become a master of lying to myself. I've only recently realized (or admitted) this and maybe I'm still not fully there. I do now know that I can't do this alone and have become brutally honest with those I most wanted to keep this from. I now know I need help. I'm in the midst of serious financial debt and problems and I suppose only disclosed because I had to. I guess my biggest accomplishment is admitting I need help and have finally become agreeable to seeking it and receiving it. I really feel I need a residential treatment program which is intensive. I now want to stop and know that I can't without some serious help. In the next days, I'm trying to get my finances in order as best I can, though I'm still in turmoil there. Today I am going to have a consult with an organization which deals with multiple addictions and I will listen to and follow their advice.... but I will also push for a residential treatment if at all possible. This is huge for me as I've always outwardly shown myself to be honest, professional, intelligent and in control but inside felt shame, humiliation, deceit, etc. Stick with it. Keep trying. It's so difficult but we can do this.

Hi... you said you "need to get fully involved with this forum". That's a good idea. Where are you? Would love to see you posting regularly again. Don't give up the fight.

Where are you? Worried! Here is a link to a fav song. Lyrics are there too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ma5tF6TJpA

Thanks for being worried Carla,

You needed to be. Been back at GA 5 weeks clean. Blew it tonight, all gone.

Drunk, pathetic, usual tale. f***k gambling it's never been about gambling it's me, I don't deserve anything.i can't comprehend what I keep doing. A pure mess.

I hate myself.

I've got family, I'm a man. I love them all, but what do I bring? Nothing I act like a child myself.

I can't do this anymore.

Hey... so glad you're back. And I can most certainly relate to what you're going through. Just dumped almost my entire paycheque at the casino myself recently (which I seem to do EVERY time I get money in hand) and have barely anything to live on again this month. Please don't give up. Fight with me. You DO deserve a good life. We all do. As someone recently said to me when I was in a major funk, we just got sucked into this S***e. Maybe we're slow learners, but we can still learn. Have you told your wife/family about this? Does she/they know? Is there someone who can take control of your finances? Please don't be too hard on yourself. Self beratement will do nothing to help and only makes it worse. Thinking of you and will be waiting for your next post. (((Defeated)))

Me again.... So, I just challenged "Volcano" and copied and pasted this from what I wrote on his diary. Hope it doesn't make you (or him) disappear! Really, it's the last thing I want to do so I want to force myself and get others to help push/motivate me. Here's what I wrote to him:

So.... I been thinking. Do you get any exercise? I used to be very fit (despite having a less than healthy lifestyle since I was 13) and I know that exercise not only helps the body, but also the mind. I'm not in the worst shape but I'm definitely not fit anymore. Today I forced myself to go for a walk and made sure to include some big ***... yuck... but... I felt better for it. So here's my question....no... my challenge to you. Will you commit to a minimum of 20 minutes exercise (any kind, any intensity and preferably outdoors if possible) beginning today and then every day? I may regret this but I need this and think maybe you do too? Or maybe I'm way off base and you're already a fit as a fiddle gym nut? And I think I'm gonna challenge our buddy "defeated" too. SO, what do you think, defeated? I don't know why the star thing is happening. It's not a bad word! All I said was hiller (the first 3 letters).