Despair / Hope?

Can’t even call it day one as I was gambling past midnight last night.

Usual state of affairs feel empty.

Still trying to comprehend my actions, I can’t carry on like this. I enjoyed going back to GA was doing ok, alot of negative thoughts but at least I was vocalising them and then bang back at it with so little thought. No thought for my partner or children, no thought for my mum who I have manipulated into bailing me out countless times running into tens of thousands of £, just no thought. Why is it easier to gamble than pick up the phone and ask for help?

Do I want to be like this? (serious question)

Told my partner, she wants me to move out for a few days, reasonable enough, my fault. Wish I hadn’t told her now.

I actually think I might be mad, why why why.

Thanks for the posts Carla the reason for the stars is to do with a bookmaker in the UK Billy small mountain (ish) can’t S*** off the hand that feeds them.

re the exercise I’m certainly no gym nut, but cycle about 25 miles a week to work and back and walk the dog every day but I’m going to do some more and will report back.

I loved recovery the first time round, but not now I only feel negative emotions.

I live in one of the richest countries on earth, I have a family, I have no REAL problems. But I’m an addict a pathetic addict who has more crutches than the NHS. I am my own downfall.

Hi, Do you want to be like this? I understand that question as I ask myself the same thing. I don't think we "want" to be like this, yet we seem to continue on with the behaviour that puts us here. Maybe the real question to ask is "why are we afraid to do the work required to make our lives better?" Is it that we're afraid of failing if we really try so it's just easier to stay with the black clouds? I don't know for certain but that may be the case for me, at least. As for your partner, is this the first time she has learned of your gambling or has it been a pattern? I remember asking my husband to leave some years ago. It was for a different issue... anger which he would take out on me. He never beat on me hard but would scare the s**t out of me, push, shove, spit, throw things at me or throw things like water on me, etc. name calling when I hadn't done a thing. When I asked him to leave, I explained that I really, really wanted our marriage to work, wanted the separation to be temporary and I begged him to get help. I just needed space to clear my own head. He "pretended" to work on himself. We'd go for counselling, etc. but he never followed through on things the counsellor would recommend, cancel appointments, etc. The act of going for counselling at all was I think in his mind enough but really there was no working on change internalized.... maybe kind of like my years here on this forum... not doing enough, though recently starting to put more effort into this. Funny thing is that I was willing to keep trying (probably to my own detriment... been known to flog a dead horse) ... but he found another woman instead (and unbeknownst to me, was having an affair with her before we split). I guess the point I'm trying to make is that you need to convince your partner that you truly want to change, ask for her help and take steps to change yourself. And you DO have real problems. We all do. There will always be those who are better than us and those who are worse than us in pretty much any aspect of life. We can and should only think about bettering ourselves rather than comparing ourselves to others. You musn't give up and know that you are not alone. Maybe in a few days you could ask her if she'd be willing to take over your finances? Thinking of you. Hang in there!

Thinking of you. Are you alright? Where are you staying now? Hang in there. Life will get better. Even though it's utter s**t right now, you have to believe that.

Haven't forgotten about you, Defeated, and really hoping that you're alright. Worried. Would be good to see a post from you! (((D)))

Not giving up on you defeated!

Just wanted to give you a quick note. I'm so happy to hear from you! Have to keep this short right now. Tried to write earlier but was having trouble logging in so gave up. Completely whipped right now as it's late in my part of the world and I've had a rough day so I'll write more tomorrow. As for embarrassed... no... you should read my last post to Volcano. Later.

Again, meant to write more words of encouragement to you but can't at the moment. Just know that I'm really glad you're back. And I do so hope you get over that feeling of shame and consider making a greater commitment to coming here every day and your recovery. I am here for you (as I hope you are for me... and believe you are)... unconditional.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJZ3bcPr-Ds

I am still thinking of you. Wish you'd come back.

I'm still here, gamblings not at the forefront of my mind at the moment. Think I could deal / know how to deal with gambling, not with my current problem.

Having a really hard time. Thanks for posting, has been a long night.

Hi, I'm so glad to see you post. Life's problems can certainly be S***e. Is there anyone you can talk to to help you through it? A friend or a family member? A counsellor or doctor? Whatever you do, don't let it lead you back to the devil's den. You can always come here. Thinking of you. ((((Defeated))))

Thanks for your post to me and for believing in me. It does mean a lot. I have decided to spend less time on the forum so won't be reading as many diaries but I do promise that if you need a shoulder (though, you'll have to post to me to let me know), I'll be there! We can do this. It'll take work, but we can.

(((Defeated))) xoxo

Change that name to inspire you!

Still here, decided to deal with my recent problems by going on a massive bender.

What a supprise it didnt work. im so low at the moment, again not a supprise.

To summerise gambling has cost me:

A family that i love

Respect

hundreds of thousands of £

When i gamble i am manic, it takes me away for a bit. But its false and my compulsive riddled brain needs to be away all the time, so i gamble all the time.

im lonley but know that if i was to be with anyone i would drag them down, so i gambled to fill my time. Now i cant gamble.

Just a pathetic rant.

Thanks for the post Carla.

You are not alone, Defeated, and I'm very similar to you in many ways. I've also gambled hundreds of thousands (dollars, though) and I isolate so as not to inflict myself on others, despite feeling very lonely .... but.... we keep carrying on, as we must. The key is to stay away from the gambling so it doesn't suck us in any further. We need time for our brains to gain some clarity and we have to work at keeping a positive attitude. Good that you are still coming here and I hope you'll come more often. We all need a pathetic rant once in a while... but then we have to work to change. We'll get there as long as we keep working at it. Fighting alongside you, Defeated!

Just flying by to say I am thinking of you.

Thanks Carla,

It’s nice to know that someone understands.

Gamble free but no achievement, always am gamble free for a bit.

Been drinking more than usual, mainly just for company (pub), took it too far last night and was a miracle that i made it to work on time. Suffering today but as usual all my fault.

Not a positive post but no gambling.