Determined

Hi Ant, I've just taken time to read your diary and would like to say well done on your journey thus far mate! You've had a few setbacks along the way but you've shown great strength and determination to overcome those in the last 32 days. I'm beginning my journey tonight but I shall take great inspiration from your journey so far. I'm awaiting confirmation for 1:1 counselling sessions. Very nervous about them as I've never done anything like that in the past.

Take care mate!

Hi Moorey.

Go with the counselling sessions. They are really good and have helped me so much. Good luck with everything bud. You can do this.

Day 34 GF - No desire to bet.

I am fine. Just coming to terms with things. My mental health needs sorting and my marriage is unlikely to survive. My wife says she has had enough, she cannot trust me again, I am no good for her, and she no longer loves me. Sometimes I can see hate in her eyes and that hurts. She told me today that she believes I have not loved her in a long time, says she has become just a habit to me. That is a million miles from the truth. I love her so much that it hurts. I understand she is hurt, but not loving her, that has never been the case. I know I am screwed up, and I would never want us to try again unless I can fix my head as it would be pointless. The only hope that I have is that I can fix my mental health, improve my life, and prove to her I have changed. Even then it would take counselling as I never want a quick fix taht papers over cracks. If that is not enough then so be it. I will be gutted, but I would have to accept it. I doubt it would ever even get there though as my wife does not believe I mean it. She says I am just manipulative and trying to make her feel sorry for me. I can honestly tell you all that is not the case, but what can I do, it all seems hopeless now. Even the bipolar is an issue and she does not want me to talk about it to her. I cannot blame her though, and I would not trust me. This is what gambling does.

I am OK, I am just letting off steam. Something I should have learned to do years ago.

Stay strong all.

5 weeks today GF and no intention or desire to bet.

I have no celebration in me. I guess the impact of everything I have done is sinking in? People tell me I have to stop being so hard on myself and that I have to learn to forgive and like myself. However, that is hard to do when you despise everything that you did and the trouble you brought to those you loved, the lives you ruined, the upset you caused. Some say it is my mental health causing a lot of the gambling, seeking escapism from reality, though I also know I also have to take blame for the things I did. I am very low at this moment. My depression has upped in the last few days and I just have to ride it through. Don't worry, I will be fine. Even at my darkest moment when I am numb and have no emotions I can still pull through. I am opening up on here, it is a good place, this is good for me as I never open up.

Stay strong all.

Day 36 GF - No desire to bet.

I am in my depression mode now. It is one of the better ones as the bad ones will keep me away from the internet or basically anything else. In a bad depression I do what I need to for my boy or home. Basically everything else is gone. But I come through them. This one will pass and I am now talking about them, something I never did.

Just stay strong everyone

Keep pushing through AntAnt & know that your silent army of GamCare allies are wishing you strength!

Well done on the 36 days, it's a great achievement.

Just read through your recent posts and it is really painful to see how low you are. I know it is difficult to do but you really do need to start forgiving yourself, you did not set out to go down this journey. You have a son and that is a gift you can cherish.

Don't forget you are not on your own.

Keep going Ant! 36 days gamble free is no mean feat! You're doing fantastically well. Building those days up nicely and getting further and further away from that last bet. It's fast becoming a distant memory. It's time to look to the future. You can control what happens next buddy! Enjoy the peace and assurance that not gambling offers. More importantly, keep posting on here to get continued support. We're all behind you champ! 🙂

Day 37 GF - no desire to bet.

Moorey, Muststop, ODAAT, thank you for you comments. They mean a lot and really do help.

I have an early counselling session today and I need it and am looking forward to it. - Those are words I would never have said a few weeks ago so things are getting better a bit. Anyone who has read my diary will know a lot of my problems (not just gambling) are mental health related and that I need, and want, to try and sort out a way that I can live a decent life. I am in a depression mode at the moment and the bipolar that I knew nothing about until 5 weeks ago had totally freaked me out. However, knowing what it is means I can face it and look for the way to cope. I will get there and the main thing is that I want to get there. I can now see my wife falling to bits with her own issues. It would not be fair of me to detail them on here with her not a part of that, but basically the mental scars of her surviving a cardiac arrest and a stay on ICU are getting stronger. She was also on HRT before her CA and now she can no longer take it and that is effecting her. Then, add in a stupid hubby who has not helped matters with his daft head and gambling. I can see her going downhill. She is trying to get the help she needs and has started back exercising, healthy eating etc. She does not want me to worry about het but that is impossible after 25 years together. OK rant over, will talk about my session later.

Stay strong all.

Hiya Ant great to see your progress and I'm really hoping your session goes well with councillor .with all what your going through and staying gamble free it's absolutely something be proud of keep going pal you no where I am if you need a chat top man Jft

Thanks Tommy.

Session went well today, though again they are pulling things out to do with my childhood. It gets tough at times, but I am continuing with it and I know it will lead to helping me live a better life.

Still feeling low so going for a sleep if I can.

Stay strong all.

Keep going Ant, you're doing really well. Xx

You’ve got to sweep out all the poison so that your scars can heal properly Ant!

Every now & then someone arrives here that I am really drawn to, you seem so willing to do whatever it takes & you are one of those warriors.

I hope your wife finds the same strength to accept the help that she needs & gets to put some of her own demons to rest.

All you can do is be the best person you can be - ODAAT

Thanks Velvet and ODAAT.

Very kind words ODAAT - Thank you.

Day 38 GF - No desire to bet.

Still in a depression mood. Got myself out to a meeting today which I enjoyed. I nice project is in the pipeline for me and I am looking forward to it. I am trying to keep busy today rather than let the depression rule me. Some work for a website to get done taht should take a few hours so off to do that now.

Stay strong all.