Determined to beat this demon

Good morning diary.
It's day 2.

I'm off to work today so won't be near any pubs. I always head Straight home after work too.

Should be 2 clear days!

Nice one KP82. Straight home and forget the pubs. You can look yourself in the eye and say to yourself: I never go to the pub for social reasons anyway, it's always because of the fruity. It's about facing facts head-on.

Im on Day 4, btw. I am not going to buckle.

Hi diary.

It's 10.40am on day 2 and I do not have any urges at all.

However my mind is consumed with the thought of never ever touching a machine again. I hate it. I know I have to do this but not playing one ever again is a horrid thought.

Had a chat with my ex-partner just now, she told me some hard to hear truths. I've messed up big time. She is a saint, a wonderful woman and a fantastic mother, and I've blown it all for those flashing lights.

I've also today admitted to myself that I drink too much. I am NOT an alcoholic, if I was I would be honest but I know I'm not. I just drink too much on days off work.

That's stopping aswell.

Just had to vent that.

P.S keep going mixer. Your doing well. And your right, I don't go to socialise, I go for those ******* machines. I even used to leave my partner sitting on her own to play them. What she said to me on the phone hurt, but I'm not wallowing in self pity.

I've neglected my family to gamble and that must hurt them more than this is me.

I'm not doing that to my kids ANYMORE.

You're facing the truth KP82 and that's a big, positive move. You know - like we all do - why we do certain things. When I said to my partner "let's go to the pub" we both knew what it would mean; she would sit in the corner as I pummelled the slots. So, I echo your sentiments.

My solution? I didn't go to the pub with her. She actually didn't mind not going out with me actually, because whatever the initial intention, it would always end up with a slot machine. Even if it started with the cinema, or a meal, we both knew where it would end up...

Drinking at home will help; you truly won't drink half as much, because playing slots is thirsty work and, not only that, we buy pints to make others think we're there for the beer when we're not at all.

Whilst on the point, I told my mates down the pub that I am off the slots and if they see me on one I'll give em £50 each no questions asked. I still have the contract! It works. Mind you, I never tell work colleagues; I'm not sure that's a good idea.

My weakness is FBOTs and they are the worst. Hence why Im on here determined not to gamble again. Got free counselling for 13 weeks every Monday starting in two days. Because I'm compulsive I'll be on here every day, too, to spend the time I would otherwise be thinking about gambling.

Hope this all helps,

Thanks mixer your a star.
I'm in work today and seriously struggling to concentrate on my job.

It's eating me up but I know I can beat it. I have to. Knowing what I've done and how it's affected my ex and the kids is heartbreaking, and I've usually got very thick skin but this has buckled me.

This is the time to dig in,and concentrate on your job. Things have a funny way of working out, y'know, so don't despair.

At work, rather than dwell, ask other people how they are; and listen and take interest in their replies. Don't get bogged down. And make it clear to yourself as you start this journey: I'm never going to gamble again.

I'm not relapsing, and I sense you don't want to either. We can do this.

So, get on with your work today, as cheerfully as you can.

Hi diary.
2 days done.

It's now 9pm and off to watch TV for a bit now. No urge today but consumed by all sorts of other thoughts.

Day 3 tomorrow. I will have a window of time to gamble so I have to be strong and stay positive. I'm not failing straight away.

jKP82, be strong mate. I too have a window but not going to climb through it 🙂 Just think of the people in the pub going: Here he is, back again, doing his nuts. Don't give them the satisfaction. Head held high and all that.

Morning diary.
It's day 3. 11.20am

Been to see my little ones Xmas concert. Went to McDonald's for a bacon roll, came straight home!!

Big urge to turn left into town but changed lanes and came straight home.

Now in bed, working nights tonight so I know ive done day 3 already!!

So pleased with myself.

Off to work now diary so day 3 done!!

Will speak to you tomorrow when I'm Into day 4.

Days 5 and 6 are going to be the test when I'm off work.

I can do it. I beat smoking, I can beat this.

Hi dairy. Day 3. 20.10
Am at work.

My ex has told me there's no going back.

She put up with it for a long time but Friday night was the final straw. Now I decide to take this on I have no support.

Why stay with me all this time when I was doing what I was doing then when I try to beat it she gives up on me?

I don't blame her at all. She deserves better.

This isn't a self pity rant this is the truth.

Do I feel sorry for myself? Yes. Is it all my fault? Yes.

Why bother giving up now? I've lost everything and the one thing I want to win I can't and no amount of money or wagering can change that.

At least I'd be happy in front of a machine.

I can beat this. But at the moment I really don't care if I dont.

Hi Kp,

Whoa, hold your horses. You're ex is still very sore about things and will be for a while.

I saw my counsellor today and she said: Happy people don't gamble.

Happy people don't gamble.

One day at a time, keep going. You'll feel better. And on Day 7, if you haven't gambled, why not yet your ex know.

Things are going to take time. Keep strong.

Hey mix, thanks for that. I'm not happy at all, I'm down, that's why I want to gamble but I'm in work so I'm safe.

I know it may sound silly and stupid but I'm going through hell. I actually hated myself for not playing a machine today when i could have but felt so good about it when I got home. It hurt not going in there to play.

It's those d**n flashing boxes that's got me into this mess so why should I cave in to them again??

f*** them!! I'm gonna beat this.

I can and I WILL. Thanks man your a big pick me up. Day 4 tomorrow!!!!

That's what I want to hear. These are soulless boxes full of biased, thieving circuitry that's designed to hoover up all of your cash. f*** 'em!

Get to Day 7. Don't worry about your ex, you have a kid right, take time to slowly build bridges. Day 7. Get there.