Determined to keep a diary

93 days done. 1 week til the big 100. Not sure why that's exciting, but getting to triple figure is a big moment for me for some reason. I suppose its because gambling was such a huge part of my life. I've gone periods in the military where i was deployed to various hot sandy places and I couldn't gamble so if i think about it, this is not my longest spell gf, however it is the only one I've wanted, and made a deliberate effort to complete. This will be a milestone, one of many. I've already hit quite a few. But at the end of the day its true what they say. Only one thing counts and that's not gambling for a day. Focus on that one day. If you can beat that, you can beat another, the another. Before you know it, you don't think about it, you have money, you can be normal.

There will always be that part of us gamblers minds that will remember fondly our times with gambling. That's the bit we can never turn off. It's also the bit we can never listen too. It will tell you to forget about the horrible times, the times you slept in car, slept in a different room to your loved ones, didn't eat for 2 days, missed out on nights out, couldn't buy a gift for your family. The list goes on, but its a long list. The challenge is to remember that list when the little voice tells you gambling wasn't that bad. Guess what. You wouldn't be here now reading this if it wasn't that bad!

Anyway, back to work. 8 hours to go!

Stay strong 😀 

94 days done. Still detest the thought of gambling. Loving my gf life so far. Can’t imagine how good it will feel to be debt free and gamble free.

I had a weird feeling when driving home from work today. I thought of my ex family and ex home. It felt alien to me. I remember it, fondly, but it felt like another life. Gambling was part of that life and I never enjoyed it for what it was. It made me miss my current home. I think my mind is telling me that I have a new life now, a new home, and it felt good. Weirdly though I thought of my ex the rest of the way home. I felt guilt, shame, but mostly sadness. I imagined how we would be together now I’m living a new way of life. Not even sure we would connect now. Not sure I’m the same person I was back then. Gambling changes people. I know I’m a better person now, I know I was that person back then, but my secret life was taking over and stopping me being that person.

Enough rambling. Just done the ironing now off for a shower for my last night shift. Quick sleep then 2 days with my dog. Super excited. Can’t wait. Tonight better be a quick shift!

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Hiya mate.  Really good to check in on your diary and see that you are still keeping the faith and not gambling!  Not that I thought you would.

When I read your diary I identify with it very much.  I think we just got to a point that we couldn't do it to ourselves anymore.  It's like a lightbulb switching on and seeing the gambling behaviour for what it is.

I get what you are saying about the whole 'what if' thoughts.  What if I never gambled?  What person would I be?  Who would I be with?  What would I have?

I am just starting to find that out.  Enjoy where the new freedom takes you and thanks again for the updates.  It is a big help to people like me who are also stumbling down the gf path.

95 days and going strong. Got the dog for 2 nights and he’s curled up on the bed next to me. Couldn’t be happier!

So I’m nearly at 100 days and it got me thinking. Is that a success for me? A target? An achievement? Well obviously it is. My life has changed in a huge way and I’ve taken big steps to change myself. But is it a success? Everyone has their own goals and thoughts on success. For a gambler, everyday not gambling is a success so I suppose 100 days would be 100 successes. For me though, I’ve decided that I won’t be posting a success story until I’m debt free. The condition is, I must also still be gamble free then. That will be my first proper success. The best will be to ensure I stay gamble free with extra money available. I’ll have to set myself a new target then to keep me focused. 

Im sure others will have their own idea of when they think they have succeeded. We all know that we have never truly succeeded as this is a lifelong curse, but I think it’s important to have a success moment in this journey. Beating this is tough, we need all the positivity we can get. To think we never will is depressing, so we need goals to strive for, to class as successes. Be interesting to see what others thoughts are on when they can say to themselves ‘I’m winning’, and reallly mean it.

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish🐟.

Each day we can say we have not gambled, then we are winning.

Each day we can say we feel a sense of calm, then we are winning.

Each day we can say we feel less stressed, then we are winning.

Each day we can say our emotions are in tact, then we are winning.

Each day we can say we had a good night’s sleep, then we are winning.

Each day we can forgive ourselves, then we are winning.

Each day we can say we are being kind to ourselves and to others, then we are winning.

Each day we can say, the past is the past, then we are winning.

Each day we can say, we have done our best, then we are winning.

Both you and I are winning!👏👏👏👏🩷💙.

Stay strong 💪.

Pink Lady🩷🍎.

Too true pinky! Great attitude. Pays to keep a strong mind and have positive thoughts.

96 days and a full day with the pooch. We’ve had 5 walks. There was a cruise ship in today so loads of American tourists about. He got so much attention. They loved him! He wasn’t that fussed but was still nice to see him getting loved by everyone. Not sure if I’ll take him to his favourite park tomorrow or a different area so he can be off lead exploring. Will see how the day pans out. He woke me up at 02:00, 05:00 and then out the door for 06:00. If he does that tomorrow he’ll be getting walked round the block and that’s it 😂.

Decided to do something good with my time I’m off on Thursday and I think I’m gonna head to the city and go to a museum or something. Spend a day doing cultural things. Stop for a coffee, that kinda stuff. Actually looking forward to it. Then I’ve got 4 days in work. Not looking forward to that! 

Off to sleep. Super tired thanks to the little dog. Who would have thought a tiny dog could tire me out so much.

Stay strong 💪 

97 days, and what a couple of days I’ve had. Had my little dog, and even though he woke me up at stupid hours and demanded I walked him (7 walks today!), I had a ball. Having someone to chat to, to spend time with, to spoil made my week. He was a pain most of the time, but he’s a dog, it’s what he does! Made me think of happier times and I was in heaven!

Was sad dropping him off. Spent a little time chatting to the ex and it made me sad. I know we could never get back. That’s from my point of view as well as hers but I miss her like crazy. Hopefully we both move on and find someone at least half as good. 

I saw a post from a partner in a similar situation to me a while back. Made me angry. How could anyone be that stupid? Then I remembered, I was that stupid. It’s mad to think that was me. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be out of control due to gambling. My life is full of peace and control at the moment and im so grateful for this community for that. Gambling is something that can and also can’t be controlled. When you’re gambling, it’s not you, you are completely at the mercy of the addiction. Nothing else matters. When you take control, and I mean real control, you have a chance. This journey is a long and emotional one, but it can be done. I’m doing it, and I’ll keep doing it for the rest of my life. 

Challenge accepted!

Stay strong 💪 

Day 98. No gambling concerns.

Never did make it to a museum. Turns out the dog is quite messy after 2 days here so cleaned the place up which took a while. Cooked a nice dinner and relaxed for a bit. Dog had me up at all hours so was knackered anyway. Early night as got 4 day shifts coming up. 

Nothing much to report today, which is good I suppose. 2 days til the big 100. Might have to toast it with a glass of wine, although I’m up at 05:30 the next day, so might settle for apple juice.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 99. It’s 100 day Eve! Seems like yesterday I joined this forum, but also feels like an eternity ago. 

Been at work all day today. Had a 1 to 1 with my boss. He said I’m a changed man this year and have had a good year. Asked me where I want to go next in the business. Might be time to look around at work and see if there’s a step up opening anytime soon. Never took the leap before as shift work suited me and the ex, but that’s not really a concern now. Gotta admit I do like shift work though. Brutal at the time, but lots of days off and can take best part of 2 weeks off with about 3 days leave. 

Long day tomorrow at work so no chance of gambling, which is good, as I had no plans to anyway! 

Stay strong 💪 

100 days g.f Fish 🐟!!👏👏👏👏👏👏.

What a journey you have been on during this time! You have conquered the highs and the lows with strength and positivity. You have not caved when the going got tough. Instead, you have remained loyal to your daily thread and your g.f journey. You have encouraged others and responded to other people’s diary threads, including mine (you were the first person to message me)!💙.

Today I hope you remember to do the following:

To reward yourself first and foremost - no matter how small

To be proud of your journey so far

To smile 🙂

To enjoy your day

To remain at peace with where you are, right here and right now.

Just for today………………

Well done Fish 🐟💙.

Your friend Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm. Well done matey 👍. You made it!  Here is to another 100 days and a GF future 🍻

Day 100!!!!!!! Thanks to those who've kept me going. I wish you all the success in the world.

To celebrate my 100 days g/f i thought, rather than dwell on what I've lost (everything!), I'd offer my thoughts on how I've got to this milestone. I understand that this is only a milestone. The fight is not over.

Step 1 - Admit defeat. You have to truly believe you are out of control and cannot fix this without help. You have to want to quit more than anything even if you have no idea where to start

Step 2 - Contact Gamcare. Just talking about this will bring it into perspective. If you are afraid, use the chat facility. I promise it will help.

Step 3 - Put all the blocks you can in place. I mean everything. GamStop, GamBan, Bank blocks, MOSES. Do it all, now while you feel inspired to quit.

Step 4 - Open and honesty. You need to come clean. Not just to friends and family, but to yourself. Get everything out there. Bank statements, credit reports, the lot. Be prepared for a shock. I was blown away by the scale of my gambling. the lies don't stop with what you tell others, you lie to yourself. This is the hardest part for many to achieve and you have to ask yourself a big question. If you partner decides to leave you because of this, will you still want to quit? If the answer is no, or I'm not sure, then you are not ready to quit. I was that desperate to quit gambling I had to come clean. I knew there was a good chance it would ruin my relationship, but i knew that gambling would do that in the long run anyway.

Step 5 - Relinquish financial control. Hand over everything to a loved one. Your pay, your savings, your secret accounts. You cannot have access to money. you've put the block in place, but you need no money also. This may be for a short period, it may be for life. Your money has to be accountable to someone. Speak to Step change if you are in debt. They will manage this and take that stress away.

The issue I had with this one is that i don't have that person anymore. This unfortunately is where personal strength comes in. Be extra vigilant with blocks, plan your expenditure. It's your money, time to be an adult and look after it. I've done it for 100 days, it can be done.

Step 6 - Start a diary. Make your first post your lowest feelings ever. Don't hold back. You want to be able to read this in future and remember how horrible your life could be again.

Step 7 - Attend meetings. Not for everyone but it can really help. If you cant attend meetings, have regular contact on here, in the chatrooms, or via peoples posts.

Step 8 - Set a target. For everyone this should be to get through 1 day gamble free. Then set a new goal. 10 days, 100 days, debt free. Doesn't matter. It keeps you focused and once you achieve that target you feel good. Reward yourself, then set a new target. Always remember target number 1 though. You only have to get through the day gf.

Step 9 - Change your routine. This is massively important. Do things to occupy your mind, especially around times you used to gamble. If you gambled at night, read a book, watch a film. If you gambled during the day, get out for a walk/run. You have to break the routine up and form new behaviours.

Step 10 - Enjoy the joys of being gamble free. You will slowly start to have money. You will find a new happiness in life. You will be a new person.

Sounds easy doesn't it? Unfortunately its not. You need to really put the work in. You have to want this and commit, no half measures. No matter how bad life seems, it will only be worse if you gamble. 

Well that was a bit of a ramble! Hopefully it helps someone, but if not, it made me reflect on my journey.

I'm off to revisit step 8. New target and reward coming my way!

Stay strong and thanks again for the support 😀 

P.S. These are only my steps. Use them as you will, but create your own. We are all different, and we all respond differently to stress and recovery. 

@p6z38njbqm 👏👏👏👏👏👏🐟

🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm Congrats on the first 100, mate. Success is a state, not a final result. Continue succeeding in your recovery, and you'll see new successes in different areas. 👍 

Amazing mate 100 days is a great achievement weldone 🎉🎉🎉 keep pushing forward your a great inspiration showing that no matter what happens in life gambling is not the answer, i also learnt not to be complacent so keeping a balance awareness is important