Determined to keep a diary

Day 101. Thanks so much again for the support. You guys really make this whole process easier.

Got a GA meeting tomorrow and really looking forward to it. Missed the last 2 weeks due to work. Something about face to face that helps me focus.

I reflected today on my 100 day win: it doesn’t really mean that much to me. It’s another milestone, but I really do feel I’ve achieved what I wanted to. I feel gf, I have some money, I enjoy my life. I try not to regret my past life. Sure I’ve lost the perfect life I wanted and dreamed of, but it wasn’t perfect. I had the wife, the family, the house, the dog, but I lived a secret double life. One that consumed me. Now I don’t have anything that I wanted but I don’t live a double life and it’s so freeing, so amazing. I’ve never felt more at ease with life. No stress, no worry. I’m finally truly happy. Don’t get me wrong. I would love this feeling but with my last life involved too, but that’s never going to happen.

Now for me is the real challenge. I can’t imagine ever going back to those ways, but I know the next bet could easily mean the quick spiral to madness again. Luckily I’m still more determined than ever to not revisit that life. It’s amazing how a life can change in 3 months. For some this would be the end of the world, but for me, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened. It could have been better, but I can’t complain as it’s still the best outcome. I’m gf, I’m on the long road to being debt free, I can sleep, I can eat, I enjoy doing nothing. Most of all, I enjoy being awake now. Before I dreaded it. Living a lie, living in fear, knowing I was hurting people but being helpless to the addiction. No more. I’m finally living my life. And it’s good.

3 months folks. That’s all it took for this post. You can do it too. Now I just gotta keep at it!

Stay strong 💪 

102 and counting.

Great GA session tonight. Someone did a therapy which is basically where they tell their story. Was emotional, heartbreaking and really hit home with lots of people. Made me realise that whilst I thought I had a story to tell, I didn’t really. My gambling was to an extent under control, I did my best not to let it impact others. I never stole, I never broke the law, I always kept my secret exactly that, my secret. It was my problem to deal with. I know now that if I’d opened up and made it not a secret I may well have kept my marriage, kept my dream life, but I didn’t and I’m paying the price. It wasn’t until I my last night gambling that I really admitted I had a problem. I remember that night vividly. I’d just been paid, plus a bonus, which was quite substantial and I opened a bottle of wine and pretty much said to myself, you will lose this money, you will force yourself to get help. There was no other way for me at that point. I lost my entire pay and bonus in one night. Not for the first time, but this time I knew I’d have to come clean. We had a honeymoon to pay for. This was a massive please help me. I don’t regret it. If I didn’t do it then who knows where I’d be now. This cry for help came with risks. I knew that, but my brain told me that was the only way. My brain now would say, get help before losing everything, but my brain now is clear of those gambling thoughts. That night will live with me for the rest of my life. It’s the one losing night I actually remember, and it’s so clear. I had no intention of winning. 

If you’re in this spot, and you think there’s no way out, trust me, there is. Talk to someone. I was too late, but you could just change your life for the better. Courage is all you need. Don’t wait until you have no choice. Do it now, whilst you have some slim chance of saving your relationships. 

GA has taught me not to have regrets, the past is the past and can’t be changed now. The money is gone, the only way on is forward, but this regret will live with me forever. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Lovely post Fish 🐟👌. Thanks for sharing your honesty.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Day 103. Not on much today as it’s doggy day! He’s curled up on the bed next to me. Happy as anything!

Stay strong 💪 🐶 

Day 104. Had a lovely day with the dog. He woke me up at 05:30 (again), but we had some great walks and playtime. Dogs are such good stress relievers, even if he barks at everyone and tries to fight other dogs. He gets small dog syndrome! Loves to give it big man aggro with bigger dogs 😂

Some great milestones achieved on here the last few days. Milestones are important I think. Not because they mean much, one day is all you need, but because they give you that motivation to push on. I’ve done the 100, and yes I’m proud, but now I want 200. Thats just a number really though. As long as I get another day on my tally I’m a happy man. The main milestone is to be debt free, then I think the tough work will begin. To get to 6 months, or a year and then suddenly have lots of spare cash will be a challenge. I’m not scared of it, I’m still super confident, but I can see why people can slip up at this point. The brain says, you’ve done a year; you’ve cracked this. Couple of hundred quid won’t hurt, go on, have a cheeky bet, you’re cured now. I can see it playing out. Luckily I’m savvy to this now, from listening to people in GA, from peoples stories in here. You ain’t getting me like that brain! I’m the boss 😂

Hope you all had a great day.

Stay strong 💪 

Quick post for me tonight as was a long day at work and get to do it all again tomorrow. 105 days done though and still feeling like a non gambler. Really happy with my attitude towards this at the moment so couldn’t ask for more on that front. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm. Hi 🐠 it's great checking back on the forum and catching up with your posts.  You even make me consider joining GA

Milestones are important.  They recognise  the completion of small steps in a larger journey.

My previous mistake was to think that after completing on milestone of 30 days GF I was healed and had conquered my gambling problems.  So on day 30 I needed gambling again.

Different this time though.  I feel like a non gambler as well, but am determined not to be complacent.  It's an internal wrestling match with your brain sometimes...  You feel as though you won and your opponent is lying on the ground only for them to jump up and slam you down.

I think that is why habits like checking in on here and keeping the flame alive that a GF life is something we need to fight for in the long term is so important.  It's a marathon not a 100 meter sprint.

Cheers for your posts, they are a great read at the end of a long day 😁

Thanks mate, glad to hear you are doing well. Totally agree. Complacency is the killer. The great thing about reading all the diaries is you learn from them. I feel bad that I’m sometimes learning from other peoples mistakes, but I’ll take very opportunity I can. One man’s mistake is another man’s learning. As long as my posts help one other person I don’t feel so bad.

106 days done. The life of a gambler seems so far away right now. I long to get home from work and spend time in my place. It really does feel like my place now. I know it’s not, it’s a rental, but it feels like my safe space now. I’ve even bought a plant! 😂. Tough to imagine being back in my old life. As much as I miss the bliss of my family life, the darkness was alway there making me a completely different person. Now I’m happy. I don’t get angry with stupid people at work, I don’t come home from work craving a drink. Amazing what clearing you mind can do. 

Off to sleep before I ramble more. 1 more early start then I’ve got a whole day off, before 3 night shifts. Tough week this week!

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Hi “Mr Green Fingers”!🎍. Get you! As the saying goes though……. “It’s the simple things in life”👌.

Lovely to read that you are settling into your new pad Fish 🐟. So pleased for you👍.

Take care and have a lovely weekend - even if you are in work!

Pink Lady🩷🍎.

It’s a little bonsai tree pinky. I’ve even bought special food for it and a spray bottle to keep it hydrated. Thought about buying a book in bonsai keeping but thought that might be too keen. It’s sitting on my shelf above my tv. It’s my hobby!

107 days done. Finished my 12.5 hr shift. Got home, had a pizza, glass of wine and now sat with curtains closed feeling very content. Don’t have to get up early tomorrow. Have to go get a hair cut and do some shopping so might see if I can take the pooch out for a walk. Weird how the loneliness has subsided. The silence was unbearable a few weeks ago, but now I’m a happy little camper. Just having peace of mind that I’m not a gambler, I have a little bit of cash, my debts are in hand. Things feel good. Was going to read my diary again today but got to end of first page and felt sick. How was that me?! I do hope this feeling stays as the change in my outlook is so different now and it’s only been 3 months or so. 

I know I talk a lot of nonsense in here, and I don’t apologise for it. It helps me, and if it can help one other person I’ll be even happier. There is light in the tunnel. Unfortunately the tunnel has no end, this is a lifelong journey but I feel so close to the end of the tunnel I don’t ever want to turn back. 

Off to bed in a minute. 3 early starts kills me!

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Lovely Fish 🐟👍. You will be able to google/go on YouTube to see how to look after your plant and that won’t cost you a penny! 😊. Funny you mention your hobby - just feeling a little bored of late, doing the same old, same old, I decided to sign up to the BBC Good Food. I have an account with them for free but all the constant ads on there do my head in!😖. There was a special offer to subscribe ad free for £9.99 for one year so I have gone with this.  Let the baking begin!!🧁🍰🍪😋.

It’s good to look back on our posts, especially the bits where it just makes us shudder and quake in our boots at the thought of returning to that place again. Hopefully, for you and I, this will not be the case. 🙏. We have got too many goals and plans going forward for one thing. Plans and goals that will only improve our current situation and in the future too!👌.

Thanks for your advice and support on the new job front too.  Much appreciated 💙.

Take care and enjoy your day off tomorrow.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Day 108, a little late. Kept myself busy yesterday, tidied place up, did my washing, went to library, cooked some food, watched the football, read a whole book! 

Miss my GA meeting tonight due to work. Think I miss it next week too. Shame, I do quite enjoy them. Nice to hear people’s stories. Puts things into perspective. 

Working next 3 nightshifts unfortunately so will be some pretty boring posts coming up but at least I’ll be busy. Even cooked food yesterday to take on shift. Makes a change, I usually forget. 

Stay strong 💪 

Day 109 done. Night shifts so not a huge amount to report on.

Did a little bit of reading though and its now clearly obvious to me that gamblers are essentially addicted to drugs. When we gamble, win or lose, dopamine floods our brain. Its that we are hooked on. I knew this anyway but I didn't realise how big a part this plays in our stories. It was a post i read that someone posted saying they loved gambling that got me thinking. I loved gambling. I looked forward to it, even if i knew i would lose. It took allot for me to realise i would have to break the drug reward cycle that my brain was stuck in before it ruined my life for good. 

Roll on 109 days. Yes i lost allot. Is my life ruined? No. Have i lost everything dear to me. Yes. Am i happy? Weirdly the answer is yes. I'm no longer a drug addict! My brain releases dopamine at normal levels now and i feel happy with doing normal things that reward my brain with more sensible levels of pleasure.

Bit of a random ramble tonight. That's what happens at 04:30 on a night shift!

Stay strong 👍 

Day 110 in the big gamble free house. Still going strong. Still on night shift. Still super tired!

I'm amazed more than anything that I've kept this diary going. It's been such a huge help to me to get things off my chest. Some days are rambling nonsense, others are painful, others are happy. What a mad journey its been so far. Its so positive to hear others finding some use from my ramblings too. We are all in this together, we all have the same issues. Slightly different stories but they all boil down to the same thing really. I must admit I love to read others stories. I learn from them, see the pitfalls and near misses, learn about triggers, and everyone else's posts have helped me as much as my own. Before I started my diary i must have read about 50 of other peoples. Even the single entry ones. I like to imagine those single posts saved someone from gambling harm. GA has shown me however that this takes constant commitment so its more likely those people were not quite ready to jump in fully.

Change of topic. Amazon prime day today (and tomorrow) and for the first time I've been able to buy something. Probably didn't need to, but i treated myself. Well i treated the house. Got a food recycle bin, a soup ladle and a proper laundry basket. Exciting stuff!! Still feels so good to be able to buy things though. Can see how people get addicted to shopping. Oh god, am i going to replace one addiction with another 🤣. At least i would have something to show for this one.

Anyway, back to work. Hope everyone has a great gamble free day. One day at a time is all we need.

Stay strong 👍  

@p6z38njbqm hi fish 🐠 well-done on another GF day 👍🏼 though I never doubted it would be!

Don't talk to me about Amazon prime day...  It has really cost me.  Apparently everyone in the house has been waiting for it and the discounts.  My credit cards took a hit and I am still in loads of debt due to the gambling.

It is good to read your own diary and chart the different emotions.  I felt strong some days, on others I felt vulnerable and lost.  The thing I admire about your diary is how you chart each day.  I find it hard... I check in daily but sometimes don't identify with my own posts.

Enjoy that soup ladle 👍🏼 😂 It is well earned.  I am thinking about treating myself to a new bath towel as mine is 15 years old and I couldn't justify the expense of a new one as I wasted £10,000s gambling 😂