Determined to keep a diary

Had to pop back. I had an urge. It wasn’t a real urge. I didn’t want to gamble but something, not sure what, made me think of old times. It was a smell, a smell I don’t recognise. Something just triggered and made me think of 2 a.m., drunk, and almost out of money. Was such a vivid flashback and if I’m honest made me feel sick. I suppose it’s good that my trigger, that time, was of a bad memory. 

Not often at all I get a trigger moment that brings me back, but that one did, and I’m so glad it was a negative one. Luckily it was, because most of the memory was being nice and warm in front of my fire, about to head to bed with my wife (ex) and dog. Weirdly those nights were my happiest. I was going to bed to be with the life I wanted. I will always cherish those moments, but with a huge tinge of sadness.

Stay strong, again! 💪

@p6z38njbqm I so get what you reference fish.

For me smells don't trigger it.  It is a sensation or mood.  And it's not an urgent like 'i have to gamble' it is a submission to go down a road I don't want.

But you have gained control.  So have I.

The brain is a funny old thing.  We regress and want to repeat previous behaviours that caused us happiness.  Gambling supplied it in the short term but then there was the payback.

My happiest was gambling online when a bit tipsy and listening to music at 1am aged 22.  But it wasn't real.  I know that now.  It was an artificial high and I wasn't at peace with myself.

Well done on your progress and posting.  Sleep well 

Day 134. No urges, still going strong.

Had a few more people say that this rambling tale has helped them. I'm glad to hear that. This started as a way for me to speak about my problems. I've never been someone who can share things. It was also to force me to be honest with myself on a daily basis. I've found this diary very therapeutic. It's a tough read for anyone, but for me to read it back it really drives home how much gambling has ruined my life. I say its ruined it, it has ruined those years, luckily I've found a new life and am focusing on the future. No reason to dwell on the past. I cant change it, I cant erase the hurt I've caused. I can erase the debt, and I'm doing that now. I can also erase the habits, that caused the spiral of destruction. The key to staying positive through this has been how quickly my life improved by quitting. You don't realise when gambling that you are a constant ball of stress and anxiety. Sleep patterns are disrupted, mood swings are huge. Constant highs and lows are not good for the mind. Even with my life falling apart around me, my mental health improved drastically once I called it a day with gambling.

I cant emphasise this enough. You will be a much better person after you quit. You will be a different person, a nicer person. You will sleep better, eat better and generally be a nicer person to be around. The only thing that can ruin this is gambling, either by returning to it, or being unable to forget about it. Day 1 has to be a complete break up with gambling. No regrets (you cant change anything) and no going back. Remove every trace of it and every opportunity to go back. It's a big task and takes allot of willpower but once its done you will feel instant relief. 

Anyway, enough of my nonsense! I better get back to work.

Stay strong 👍 

Day 135. Stuck at work on night shift again. Yipppeeee!!

Sleep all day, work all night. Easy way to forget about gambling. Not very good for your metal health or social life, but it works 🤣.

Had a long think about how I'm going to continue my recovery and this diary. Should I finish it when I'm debt free?, Should I keep going until I run out of things to say?. I have no idea. I think I will maybe go to 2-3 posts a week once I get to the 6 month mark. I think I'll always have something to say on here, and it has really helped me so will definitely keep it up in some way or another. Most of this is just my nonsense ramblings but it really has helped me stay focused. 

Stay strong 👍 

Day 136.

Tough day emotionally today. It was my ex's mums anniversary of her passing. I know she struggles at this time of year and I'm usually there to support. With the hurt I've caused I decided it would be best if I stayed out of it, so resisted urges to offer any support. Thought about it all day. Think its better if I just let her grieve and I don't add to the mix by getting involved. Not like I can really offer much in the way of support now anyway.

Not much else to say today. Been thinking about that all day and working all night.

I hope everyone is having a g/f day. 1 day at a time is all we need to do.

Stay strong 👍 

137 days done. Meant to be at GA tonight but instead I’m in bed. 3 night shifts killed me. Was hoping for along lie today but thunderstorms ruined that. Woke up to the loudest noise ever. Pretty sure there was a lightning strike within about 100m. Never heard a noise like that before and I’ve heard some almighty explosions previously.

anyway, I’m off to sleep.

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm 137 days...  They keep racking up matey.  Well done.

We went for a walk yesterday and got caught in a thunderstorm.  The cracks of lightning can be deafening.  Pretty cool though!  Sorry it spoiled your liein.

Do you reward yourself for not gambling?  Like treating yourself when you get to a certain milestone?  My CBT councilor advised me to but I have not kept up with it.

I am conscious of keeping with the program and as focused not to gamble in the long term.   I am starting to feel as though I am in a second phase of recovery, no urges but it could happen if I get complacent.  You are a bit ahead of me, I wondered if your relationship with recovery has changed or not?

Well done with sticking on the right path!

Day 138. 

So it turns out it was my building that got hit by lightning. I thought it was close! Knocked all the tv channels out in the whole building. Wonder if that’s good luck or not 😂

I do treat myself @thebean - I don’t go mad, but I buy something for the house or a new book. Just being able to spend money whenever I want to is my treat. I’m like a kid in a candy shop whenever I go shopping!

I also definitely feel like I’m in a more advanced stage of recovery now. I don’t get many urges at all, and if I do it’s quickly knocked back with memories of bad times. I keep telling myself that there is no second chance. No option to gamble and that really keeps me going. I’ve not tested my blocks, although they are all installed. I tried the lottery website when I first installed them to make sure it worked. That’s enough for me. I’m not sure if the way I entered recovery has anything to do with it. People say you have to hit rock bottom. There is always another rock bottom, but for me, losing my relationship and home was the final straw. If it can take away everything I want in life just like that, I’m never going back. Some people don’t have that kind of hatred if they just lose money. Money comes and money goes, but families don’t, homes don’t. Maybe that’s why I’m doing so well. The hatred I have for gambling stems from something very deep inside me. Not sure if that makes sense, but I know deep down, I’m never going back to gambling.

Still staying super focused though. I know people slip, and complacency is what gets you.

Now treat yourself @thebean, you deserve it. Doesn’t have to be much. I spent £20 on books the other day. It’s a treat that will last me a few weeks and will help keep my mind occupied. 

Stay strong 💪 

Day 139. Things are really getting serious now! Approaching 5 months which is mad!

A few posts I’ve read mention reaching rock bottom. I’ve mentioned it too. Unfortunately there is no rock bottom. There is just a point when you realise you can’t go on. If you don’t reach that point, you’ll find a new low. Gambling will keep at you until you dig deeper and deeper. Life may seem like it’s at its lowest, but you can get lower. Don’t let it get to that. One day you’ll think you are in control. When you look back in recovery, you’ll realise you were nowhere near in control. Gambling was. It just tricked you into thinking you were the boss. Once you get a grip of it you realise how ridiculous your life was. You will laugh at the things you did, you’ll be embarrassed, ashamed, but in reality, you had no choice. Until you accept defeat and submit to recovery, you can’t control your life. Once you do however, life is amazing. Sure, you’re in debt, yup you've hurt some folk. These can be recovered in most cases. I no longer have a wife, but we can still talk. We are still civil. I can’t repair the damage, but I know if it came to it, I could talk to her. My debt will be cleared someday, my life will be back on track. All because I admitted defeat. It was the lowest point in my life, but it wasn’t rock bottom. I could have kept digging.

Random ramble tonight, but that’s what this diaries for!

Also got the dog tonight so I’m a happy chappie!

Stay strong 💪 

140 days g/f. 

Done allot of thinking today about my life. Dangerous thing to do. I imagined what my life would be like if I had never gambled. Would I have money now? Where would I be? Would I be married? Then I realised that there is no way of knowing, so what’s the point! I think what I’m trying to say is, I can’t change anything about my life looking back. Sure I can learn from my mistakes, but as long as I focus on the today and tomorrow, things will get better. 140 days ago I was at my lowest, but I crawled out of the hole I was in and now I can’t even imagine that day. I knew how I was going to end it all, and where. That’s unbelievable to me now. I enjoy everyday I alive now, even the days I’m at work (although not as much 😂).

Deciding on day 1 that I was really going to quit was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. I knew it would destroy my relationship. I knew I’d have to face my fears and total up my debts. I knew I’d have to tell my family. 1 day of hard work and it changed my life though. 

Turned into another ramble! Apologies 😂

Stay strong 💪 

141 days g/f. 

Got a GA meeting on Monday. Missed the last 3 due to work so will be good to get back to them. I don’t miss them, or feel like I need them, but it’s good to keep my focus and not give in to not being bothered to go. If I start skipping that, what else will I start being complacent with? Plus it’s always good to hear others stories in person. You can learn allot.

Anyway, quick one tonight. Up early for work tomorrow.

Stay strong 💪 

Another day down. 142 days g/f.

Not had any urges in such a long time. Can’t even remember what it feels like to gamble and I’m happy about that. For some reason we talked about gambling at work today. Didn’t bother me in the slightest. Was happy to say I didn’t gamble. No one at work knows, but I’m more than happy to just say I don’t gamble. Many people don’t. Doesn’t mean they are all ex gamblers. I’m just a normal person, living a normal life. And it’s awesome!!!

Each day seems like I’m rediscovering what life should be like. Today I looked at pensions, property, ISAs, things I should have looked at years ago. I’m now in a position to start thinking about these things and planning a future. Still aiming to start the new year debt free. Need some more overtime at work, but so far it’s going well. Big ask, but I set myself a goal and I’m gonna try my hardest to get there. Been even tougher as I’ve had to buy stuff for my home, but hey, needs must.

Work again tomorrow so I’ll call it a night there.

Stay strong 💪 

Another day done. In solidarity for a good guy who had a minor setback, numbers don’t count. As long as another day gets done that’s all I care about.

Tonight for some reason has been tough. As I mentioned, a good guy had a set back. Learning has taken place. It still hit me hard though. Life is all peachy and roses when you start racking the numbers up but then, wham, gambling says hello again. 

I was upset at this and weirdly when I stopped gambling and started to feel normal. I also started having emotions. Never really been an emotional person, but now I am. This morning started with an out of the blue text from my ex brother in law. Then I ended up watching a program that me and my ex used to watch often. Things got to me a bit. Had a little teary moment. Just thought about how much I’d lost, and for what? I didn’t lie, I didn’t steal. I just kept a secret. Sure a few truths were bent, but I never outright lied, I would never have risked anything but my own finances. Unfortunately this secret cost me everything. It was a little humbling to be so sad in front of my favourite program, remembering the good times we had watching it together, cup of tea, fire on, dog on the floor next to us. Really put my life into perspective. Also made me realise that all I’ve ever wanted was to be with someone. I was never about gambling. I was always trying to win the life I wanted. The life where I treat someone like a princess. To me that involved being rich. To me that came from a big win. Funny how the exact opposite happened. No big win, and no dream life!

Ive learned a lot from today. Gambling took the life I wanted, and gave me the exact opposite of what I wanted. Now I have to rebuild and hope, one day, I can find the life I wanted, but this time with a clear head and open mind. 

Stay strong 💪 

144. 

As much as I wanted to go to GA tonight, 4 12.5 hour shifts has killed me. 19:30 and I’m in bed. Will join the chat room tonight as a substitute. I think it’s important to keep some kind of support going if I can’t make my meeting. Won’t make next week either due to work but the following week I’ll be there. 

Got to do something nice at work and sign someone off to do their role. Wasn’t the best performance, but there is potential there and performing under pressure adds pressure so I have the benefit of doubt. I think this person can do it, just needs some experience and confidence. Nice feeling to be able to do this. Scary to hold the power over someone like that. To be fair I did it for many years in my previous role where my decision basically made or broke someone’s career and dreams. Looking back, The enormous responsibility and power that demanded was wasted on me. Chances are I was thinking about gambling. To think I could have ruined someone’s career dreams due to my habit is inexcusable. I think I always acted professionally, but it’s only lately I've realised how engrossed I was in gambling. 

I’ve always preached that you can’t change the past, and that’s true, but I can still hope my actions haven’t impacted more than I realised in my life. 

Stay strong 💪 

145. 
 
Been a very nice day, a few people have thanked me for my support on here. It’s a pleasure to think my struggle is helping someone else: we are all in a huge struggle so anything that helps is a bonus. It really means allot to hear I may have helped someone along the way. All I’m doing is speaking my mind. The toughest part of this addiction is being honest. This forum gives you that opportunity. Insult the wife, blame the parents, go for it. We don’t know you! The hardest part of this addiction is being honest with yourself and the diary is the best place for it.

Had some good news today. I tried my luck with irresponsible lending claims. Got a good chunk back from one company. Went through a lawyer who took 25% but I’m still happy as I didn’t think I’d get anything. Not huge but still a chunk off my debts. Don’t deserve it. I knew what I was doing; but they also knew they were lending me money when I was in dire straits. Wins a win!

Off to sleep. Dog had had me for 7 walks today!

Stay strong 💪