Determined to keep a diary

@p6z38njbqm Always good to get the Tesco and Sainsbo’s club card deals Fish! 😆. Enjoy. Loving the plans too for your ISA 👏. I have just started putting a small amount away each month from this month into my ISA.  Not loads but just something to be able to go to when it’s my son’s Birthday and things like that. 🙂.

Keep enjoying and rewarding the “New you”. 💙

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Excellent stuff again, Fish.

Just wanted to drop in and you didn't disappoint with a few more days of resilience since I last read your diary. Enjoy the mattress topper! 

Jay

Thanks both. Your support as always is super appreciated.

162. 

At my parents house. Usually this involves a drunken affair and late night. 21:00 and I’m in bed. I am a changed person through and through now. I don’t want to feel hungover tomorrow. I’m seeing my niece and nephews; and going to CostCo!

I’m serious about quitting and that means sticking to my new life. Drinking less, getting more sleep (although I’ll probably read a book for a while), but most importantly just being sensible. Not boring, I had a few wines, but just realising that my excessive lifestyle previously was just that. Excessive. Alway ended in tears.

Enough from me. Book time!

Night all. Stay strong 💪 

Hi fish,

I was just reading your diary a bit ...course that's what I do at 5:30am instead of sleeping 😅😂

Well, reality is, broken sleep following drunken evening which was aftermath of my slip yesterday...its like a carrousel..I did that course of that lol..silly excuses!

So yeah, I slipped but what do we do when that happens? We pick ourselves up and back on a straight and narrow. It will hurt for a bit until I ease into "normal" life but have to be kind to me...else self destruction will kick in.

Sooo..I read your diary and made out this much so far - have a pooch you share with ex, been in military,  tried all highs on earth, like your baths, book and mattress topper and living life on its terms presently.  Making right choices and enjoying the fruits it gives....and this my friend is amazing to read! Because nobody else could do this for you unless you did it yourself.  We decide our destinies and I think you're doing really well here..on a right track forward..good on you.

My doggo is laying by my side gently snoring her head off..keeping me warm also..don't even want to leave the pit to make coffee lol...actually may just have a nap for an hour or two..till some light outside these windows..

Thank you for your support on my diary..yes, it's old, long and somewhat boring in parts. I think course I joined here at quite young age (young for me lol) , I learned about life from fellow people on this journey. Don't think I could of learned more from people "out there" so I'm very lucky in a way having to share and bounce my thoughts with fellow recovering addicts.

What I'm trying to say, sty close by ..a lot of wisdom knocking around here and a lot of inspiring stories which makes you think twice about your own choices.

Take care now and woofs to lil pooch if you have the joy of his/hers company 😊

Thanks for the lovely response. Means allot to have positive comments. Don’t beat yourself up about what’s happened. You know as well as I do that with a diary over 300 pages long, you’ve seen the highs and lows that come with this. Every low is a learning point and makes you stronger for the next challenge, and as I always say, the number total doesn’t mean much. As long as you get through the next day g/f you are winning. 1 slip doesn’t ruin the hard work you’ve put in, as long as you learn from it. 

Day 163.

Lovely but tiring day looking after my 1 year old nephew with my parents. Kids that young are constant! So tried now. Had a great time. He is a cheeky and amazing little fella. His big (6 year old) brother was there too, so I’m in bed now having some quiet time 😂. Not sure how single parents on here manage, especially with his addiction making things harder. Big respect.

Anyway, sleep time. Stay strong 💪 

Love reading your updates, Fish.

Inspiration to loads. Have a well earned rest after today mate. 😂

Thanks mate. Glad to be of service 😂

Day 164.

Nice weekend with family, but nice to get back home. Feels like home now. Still needs a few bits but nice to have somewhere I feel comfortable. 

Started my new open university module today. Onto a level 2 course so stepping up in difficulty. Will be great for keeping me busy though. Glad I kept it going even though it was an extra expense. Bought a new jacket today too. Been a busy day!

Lots of new posts again. Sad times. I hope they can make that effort in the first few days to really lock down everything. If you can’t gamble, you can’t gamble. Yes, you can find a way if you are desperate, but the harder you make it, the more chance you’ve got of saving yourself before it gets to it. 

Night all. Stay strong 💪 

Day 165.

Very annoyed. Totally forgot about my GA meeting tonight. Was doing the ironing 😂. Didn’t realise until it was too late. Luckily I don’t feel like I need them as I use this place as my keep me in line forum. Will still try and attend them in future but luckily I’m in a good place at the moment so missing it today does me no harm. 

Had a very productive day. Cleaned my spare room ready for a bed to be delivered. Did a load of washing and ironing (got some more to do tomorrow). Took all the rubbish out. Had a load of boxes in the spare room. Needed a run to Tesco for the cardboard recycling place. Did a good few hours of my open uni course. Getting ahead of the game while I can. It did present an interesting problem however. My work laptop won’t let me download the software needed for some of my module. I will have to buy a laptop. I did lots of research on that today and whilst I can afford to buy one (that’s why I’ve saved an emergency fund I suppose), I know don’t want to spend the money 😂. Crazy to think how much I could spent on nothing before, and now I want to keep all the money I have. Going to head to shops tomorrow to do more research. Probably still cheaper on line but will give the sales people some hope they might get a sale!

Early night again. Read a whole book last night in bed so tired. Will try to put my new book down before midnight tonight.

Stay strong 💪 

166.

Today was emotional. Don’t know why. Just hit me today. Watched a bbc programme on gambling this morning where a guy ended up ending it due to gambling. Apparently 1 person a day in the uk goes from gambling harms. 1 person, a day. I was nearly that person on several occasions. The crazy thing is, gambling is hidden. You have a drink or drugs issue, it’s obvious (mostly). Gambling, no one has a clue. It’s the same addiction but it’s a secret one. This made me think allot today. The darkness I had for so many years, and I mean most of my adult life (25 years easy), was so intense that it’s only now 5 months clean I realise what I’ve missed. Those years had 2 things. Gambling; and me pretending to be a human. For decades I’ve lived under this disguise. I didn’t want help, I didn’t need it. I was in control. 

I wasn’t in any control. Gambling takes over your life. It was my only priority, which is a sad thing to admit. It grips you so hard you can’t even begin to explain it. I don’t even really understand why people get to the quitting point. I’ve been in horrible places before but the last time, for some reason was it. I found my point. I know I’ll never return. I know that’s me done. What is that point? I don’t know. I really don’t. One day it just hits you. That’s enough. I want my life back. There’s been a few posts lately about quitting and, in my opinion, it really can’t happen until that moment happens in your mind. 

I also cooked some french baguettes today. Was pretty good. Chewy and tasty, but a little heavy. Really enjoyed the process. Took 2 days. Also spent 550 quid. Never felt fear like it, but it needed to be done. Used to do that in a night easy. How times have changed!

Hope you all are well. Stay strong 💪 

167.

Nice and easy today. Kept myself busy, watched some tv. Did a little studying. Got the doggy coming for 2 nights tomorrow which will mean minimum sleep for me and plenty of walks. Back to work on Monday which I’m not looking forward to. Been a nice relaxing 2 weeks off. Not quite the honeymoon I was meant to be on, but at least I’m clear headed and not gambling. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm No better feeling than to have a clear head Fish🐟👌. You are to be commended on your progress and getting through many emotional hurdles along the way.👏👏👏.  May your days, weeks and months, continue to improve.  Enjoy!

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

169.

@pinklady- I broke my tooth yesterday and have an emergency appointment tomorrow. I blame you entirely! 😂. Not looking forward to this bill. Easy 500 quid. Grrr. Just kidding pinky, we really are following the same recovery path though. Back to work Monday. If I get covid you’re in trouble!

Day 2 with pooch. Love the guy to pieces and have had a ball, but he woke me up at 04:30 (again) and we have been on 9 walks today. Can pretty much be assured I will be up at 04:30 again tomorrow. In bed now. 20:00 on a Friday. Thanks pooch!

Anyway, night all. Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Oh no Fish!🙈. All you need but like me, at least we have the money in our banks to be able to pay for such emergencies 👍. My tooth/infection saga is still ongoing and just trying to find the right time to get it sorted. Still testing positive also for this dam Covid but started to feel better than I have been today so 🤞🙏🙏.

I would be having a serious word with your pooch! 🐶. Does he wake up this early when he is with his other parent?

Best of luck at the dentist and hope it won’t be as expensive as you are anticipating 🤞🙏🙏.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@p6z38njbqm really good to check in and read that you are still fighting the fine fight and not gambling.  

I hope the dentist 🦷 wasn't too painful 😣. Nothing like toothache.  It's agony.

I absolutely agree with your feelings about the BBC programme.  I haven't watched it myself but it's unbelievable the amount of damage that the gambling industry causes.

And for every person who ends it due to gambling how many don't but suffer massively life changing harm.  And yet the gambling industry prays upon in to make money 😡 😡 

Thanks for the posts.  I remember checking your posts at the beginning of my recovery on a daily basis.  Usually at 6.30am with a coffee, they were always a real boost.  It's comforting to again check in and see your consistency.

Enjoy pooch time

170!!!!

Thanks all. Love that support here. Tooth was cheap. Still luckily on nhs!

Rant time- had a few drinks. My go to is the foo fighters and Dave has annoyed me with his antic😂

So my workmate mate made me go on the dating app things. I lasted 24 hours. It’s horrible. I met my ex on it but it’s really not for me. It’s pictures of people. I got lucky with my ex but now it’s honestly just pictures of people with big lips. I’m out. I don’t want a relationship, profile deleted!

i dont want anyone else. I’m happy with me.  

Stay strong 💪