Determined to keep a diary

170 and counting!! Woop woop to you and keep going!

o*g, I was roaring with laughter just now 🤣😂..thank for that..well needed medicine...big lips hahahaha

Youre right, its pictures of people and it's rare to find a match...all 3 of my recent exes are from dating apps..exes gives it away lol..however it's difficult to find real life connections in this day and life and I think people are choosing online dating option as its more flexible maybe?...like me, I don't go out or socialise and all I see is mountain sheep if I hike lol, same old faces at the gym..and long gave up on waiting for a cute postie drop by my doorstep lol..so what has girl left to do? 😂

Hope your Sunday is peaceful and relaxing.  Keep up good work with abstaining and maintaining..life is so much more than this!

X

Day 171. 

Im glad my stories amuse! It amused me too to think I was ready for anything like that. More than happy to plod on solo and see what happens.

Had a proper man day today. Watched sport all day. Darts and F1. Loved it. Do feel a bit lazy though. Back to work tomorrow after my ‘honeymoon’. Not looking forward to it. Early start and long day. Looks like it will be a busy one too. 

2 weeks pretty much by myself done. Was quite lonely, but nice to have time off. Sorted my place out a little. Got a bed in the spare room now in case I ever have guests. Got a laptop to do my OU work and made a good start on it. Best thing is, I didn’t even think about gambling once. I’m not saying I’m cured, but I am saying that in under 6 months I’ve managed to erase the thought of gambling from my life. Long may that continue.

A few new diaries I see. Wishing everyone all the success in beating this.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 172.

Long day at work today so nice and easy from a not gambling perspective. Was good to be back and to see people. Was nice to have a conversation with someone! It’s a lonely life living alone with this addiction over your head. Not that it’s ever tempted me back, but just having that cloud over me, knowing I’m alone because of it. 

Another early start tomorrow for a full shift again, then back to days off. The joys of shift work. Good news is I managed to get a shift swap later so I can now head for a mates birthday drinks and dinner. Should be a good night, plus I don’t have to worry about money. Sure I could do without spending it, but it’s good to have something to look forward to and to not have to shy away from a night out as I can’t afford it.

Hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm That sounds like a lovely evening out Fish 🐟 and well deserved too!👏👏. Glad you managed to sort out a swap 👌.

Enjoy your week ahead and yes, like me, it’s nice going into work and being with others, especially when living alone - oh and it will save on all those increased energy rises come this October!😡😡.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hope you feeling a bit better pinky. Not the best start to your week!

Day 173.

Ridiculous day at work. Carnage everywhere, all at once. Really missed coming home to my ex and telling her about my day. Really miss her too. Felt kinda alone and lonely today. I know these days will come. Just made me think that I’ve thrown away something more than money. I’ve thrown away a life. Massive shame as I knew from day 1 that it was my fault. I also knew from day 1 I would never return to either gambling or her. Somethings you just know I I got the same vibe from both. Still, I’ve always said I can’t change the past, so time to suck it up and keep moving on. 

Was meant to be off tomorrow but picked up and extra shift. Some more money off the debt. Positives and all that 😂. Night shift too. Not even a fun shift. All about the money at the money. Gotta recoup some savings after a few big emergency expenditures. Will have a new team member soon too which will be exciting as I’ve just rewritten the whole training programme. Hopefully I’ll be lead trainer.

Hope everyone is well. Sleep time. Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Well done on writing that training programme Fish 🐟👏👏👏👏. Good that you are able to earn some extra money too but don’t forget to rest up and reward yourself too, no matter how little that may be 👍.

Take care and so will I. 

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Hi fish,

I'm same as you picking extra shifts to keep afloat and plates spinning. 

I hear about your ex and you feeling lonely. You're right, these days will come. More reflection and possibly regrets but again, we cannot keep looking back. There is a saying "look back but do not stare". Guess it's very true as we have here and now to deal with and future to look forward to.

I also noted your GA meetings. Are you keeping them up? I found them eye opening when I used to attend. Pure pain and emotions expressed in those rooms, not forgetting the wisdom shared.

I'm rooting for you and your ongoing journey, I slipped, crashed and suffered the aftermath but now put blocks in place so feeling stronger in fighting this good fight.

Stay safe & strong ...keep going one day at a time

Day 174.

Long night shift. Extra cash though!

GA meetings - I am still aiming to attend. I miss them quite often due to work, but replace that therapy with my diary. I am also in contact with some guys from the group to keep checking in.

Loneliness - It happens to everyone who lives alone I suppose. I'll forgive myself the odd sad day. For the most part I enjoy living alone. I can do whatever I want. It's the lack of companionship/having someone to share your day with that gets you. No concerns around it affecting my recovery though. Got a few good TV programmes to watch and keeping up with my studying.

Out for a meal on Saturday with a few mates. Should be good. Heading to a different city and staying in a hotel too. Cant believe I can afford to do that, but extra shifts and saving does pay its rewards!

Great to hear the successful non gambling of people in here. Makes me smile and reminds me of how happy people can be if they can just get through the tough times. A few relapse stories, some after a few years g/f. Worrying for people in recovery, but important to hear. Keep those blocks tight. Don't get complacent. Keep fighting. Most importantly i think is that if a slip up does occur, don't let it get hold of you and spiral into the depths of day 1 again. Actual day 1 is the day you admit defeat. Day 1 after a relapse is different. It's the day you learn about the whys and how's. Why did I do it, how did I manage. Find those leaks and triggers and change things up. Learn form it. Going back to actual day 1 is reaching your low point again, losing all your money, relationships, friends etc. Relapse day 1 is not the end of the world. Learn and move on.

Night shift rambling done!

Stay strong 👍 

Day 175.

I got 2 hours sleep after my night shift. It’s 19:30 and I’m in bed. Absolutely hanging! On the plus side, I get mr pooch tomorrow so so daddy doggy bonding time again. So looking forward to it. Also got a night out the day after. Going for a few drinks then and Italian. Pasta or pizza? Already considering my options!

Off to sleep. Stay strong 💪 

Day 176 and 177.

Up stupidly early thanks to the dog. Missed posting yesterday thanks to him too. Love him to bits but man does he love to wind me up 😂.

Heading out with friends today for the first time in forever. Cocktails then a meal out. Looking forward to it. Already booked our works Xmas party and a charity auction dinner next year for a mate who sadly passed this year. Feels nice to have a social life again.

I hope everyone is still fighting. This diary is proof that it can be done and it does get easier. Most importantly, life gets better. Sure it’s hard work at times, but if you take all the advice offered in this forum you can do it. Many, many people manage and go on to live happy normal lives. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Enjoy Fish 🐟. Thoroughly deserved too!👏👏👏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

fun day out. In bed by 22:00 😂😂

So funny how my priorities have changed 

Stay strong 💪 

Day 178.

Night shift at work. Not looking forward to this!

There was talk of going to a casino on our night out last night, and I was all ready with some excuses as to why I would not be going. Luckily we didn't go in the end so no excuses required. It did get me thinking though, about whether I could have gone and not gambled. I know deep down that I could. I also know that I would not have put myself in that position to test myself. No point risking it even with my apparent strong resolve.

Approaching 6 months gamble free. That's something I never thought I'd say. It's made me a much better person. More sensible in every way. It's nice to not live everyday in fear. Fear of being found out, of finding money for essentials, of getting a phone call demanding money. Now my days are spent enjoying my time. I do things I want to, because I can. You don't realise when gambling how much of your time you actually spend doing it, and if you are not doing it, you are thinking about it. No more!

Stay strong 👍 

Looking at 6 months GF is incredible my friend.

The thing I liked most about your last post was that you say 'apparent strong resolve'.  It is so easy to underestimate this addiction and slack off.  I can see that you know it's not a done deal.

I'm putting myself back together after over trusting my resolve.

Sleep well 

Day 179.

Thanks mate. Totally agree. We can never let our guard down. Maybe in a few years I’ll be able to test myself more, but until then I am not going to even try.

Lovely day today. Slept after nights, woke up, went to shop, cooked dinner, had a bath, back to bed 😂

Better day tomorrow. Got a full day of studying which I’m actually looking forward to. Got the shopping out the way today so I could focus tomorrow. 

Hope everyone is well. Stay strong 💪