@p6z38njbqm Take it easy Fish. 🐟. If you feel like that again, make sure you get yourself down on the floor or lie somewhere so you don’t hurt yourself. I passed out once in my kitchen, when I had a bad flu virus and woke up with a huge lump on my head. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope you are feeling much better now but yes, you do seem to have so much going on all at once so make sure you take some time out to rest your body and your mind. 🙏.
Wishing you all the best in the coming days/weeks.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
Day 50, you heard that right, 50 days gf. How much has changed in those 50 days though. Picked up keys to my new place today. Was so strange being in there. Don’t move in until Monday but moved some stuff over. 51 days ago, happily married, but hiding a demon. Now legally separated, got my own place and about to go it alone. That’s not how I planned my life out. I truly was the happiest I’ve ever been these last few years, even with my secret. If only I’d managed to control it earlier, or sought help sooner, maybe I’d still be living my dream life. Time to focus on a new dream life i suppose.
One thing that really annoyed me today. I've literally lost everything. I’ve never been this low and have so much to do to move into my place and my now ex asked me to change some bulbs before I leave. I think she thinks I’m going to be popping around to do random tasks. I’ll be round to see the dog, that’s it. It’s time she went on her own too. Made me so angry that all she cared about was getting some last tasks out of me whilst I’m trying to start a new life from nothing, and all within the space of 51 days. Grrrrrrr!
Anyway, happy thoughts of the day. My mum, dad, sister and niece are down this way tomorrow so I’ll see them for a bit. Hopefully they will bring some cutlery for my new place so I can eat 😂
Stay strong folks 💪
51 days gamble free. Roll on 100!
Very strange day today. It’s my last day alone in my home. Ex is back tomorrow and I’ll be in spare room for one more night (maybe, might move out tomorrow). Emotionally I’m all over the place. This is the one stability I’ve had in my life. It’s the longest I’ve lived in one location. It’s been the happiest time of my life. Now I’m living alone, no family, no dog, no sense of belonging. Huge adjustment required. My dog came to my new place today when I was moving some stuff in. Straight on the sofa. Hopefully he will fit in and stay often as I’ll miss this little guy so much.
Saw my folks and sister today. They all said I’d lost too much weight. Weird how people notice things when they don’t see you often. No one else seems to have mentioned it. Will try eat more food over next few weeks.
Positve thoughts: I’m in bed at 19:30 on a Saturday. Gotta be good for me 😂
Stay strong 💪
52 days done. No urges, no concerns.
Big day tomorrow. Move out of my home, the only place I’ve ever really called home, give up my family, give up my dog. Gutted is not the word. Distraught probably covers it better. Petrified, not of gambling or anything like that. Just petrified of being alone, being without my best mate, my stepson, my dog.
Oh well. Not much I can do about it. Might as well suck it up and crack on. Bought some pans today, so at least I can cook some food 😂. Positive thoughts and all that!
Stay strong 💪
Hi Fish. 🐟. Day at a time with everything that is being thrown at you right now. 🙏. Distract yourself with them pans and in no time, you will be rustling up all kinds!😊. Any cooking advice then ask away - I enjoy cooking and baking and have had years experience of both!😊.
Take care. Work, rest and play well - all in that order!🙂. No doubt you will be too young to remember the Mars Bar advert way back - “A Mars a day, helps you work, rest and play”!! Showing my age now 🥴.
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
53 days done. No issues.
Thanks pinky, I’m mid 40s so remember it well! Also used to be a chef so all over the cooking thing too!
Today I did the hardest think I’ve ever done in my life. I handed my house hey over and left the house. Absolutely devastated beyond belief. Moved into my new place. The silence is deafening. Gonna be a rough few weeks to get used to this. Not sure I’m strong enough.
On the plus side, I’m all set up now. Got the essentials, the nice things to have will come slowly. Sat waiting for my GA meeting then I’m going to my new place (I can’t call it home) to have a glass of wine and celebrate 😂. House warming with all my mates!
Postive thoughts: I’ve not heard the neighbours at all today. Old couple downstairs and not met the upstairs but looks like it will be a quiet apartment. Had noisy neighbours before and it’s horrendous. Hopefully a nice quiet place to live. Can’t complain really. It’s a gorgeous apartment, in a nice area, right near the coast and has some of the best views in Scotland right on my doorstep. Gotta count for something.
Off to my meeting.
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm thanks for writing this. I just sat in the garden with a coffee reading your entire thread. I am really impressed in how you are handling this and adapting to the changes life has thrown at you.
Your story resonates with me. I told my wife about my gambling in Oct last year. I had racked up massive debt playing online slots late at night and had burnt myself out with stress and lies until and I suddenly starting contemplating really dark things as I just was unable to stop.
I found Gamcare counseling great as it taught me how to talk about gambling, I had never vocalised my issue before and could not even get the words out, I was a really mess. I am currently also receiving Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and it is really helping me understand that problem gambling is a mental health illness and how it affects the brain. It helps me understand why I just could not stop even though I really wanted to.
Please keep up with the posts. Don't underestimate how many people your posts could be helping.
Cheers, J
P.s. I am hoping you are going to end up with the dog?!?
@p6z38njbqm Sounds beautiful Fish - just hang on to all the positives of this going forward. Your life won’t be this quiet for ever. Just be patient with the adjustments and the rest will follow. 🤞🙏.
You are doing so well so just remember that. 👏👏👏👏
Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.
54 days gamble free. No urges, nothing to report on that front.
@thebean thank you so much for your kind words. I really do hope this diary is helping others. I know reading other peoples diaries helps me loads. This is a journey I want to document so I can look back on it in tough times and realise how bad it can be. I also want to show how much life can change in a good way if we stay gamble free. That post may be a while off yet, but things can only get better!
Where to start today. Been super busy all day sorting out my new place. Getting utilities sorted, get internet tomorrow which I desperately need! Another trip to the shop to get supplies. Amazing how much stuff you take for granted when you have to start again. Getting there slowly. Started a list of all the things I need to get over the next few weeks/months. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got everything I need to survive, now I need the things to make it comfortable.
Good GA meeting last night. Pretty good chat with an old fella who is in the same situation as me, although his story is more advanced. He is separated and living alone and has been for a while so he has been giving me some great advice. I think although I’ve been gamble free for 54 days, yesterday was day 1 of my recovery. I’ve been surviving off emotions and stress for the last 54 days and haven’t had time to think about gambling (weird as gambling makes you get by on emotions and stress!!). Yesterday I moved into a new place, both physically and mentally. I know have no support, no one to speak to, no one to cook for and look after, no one to try and keep me on the straight and narrow. Yesterday I began my recovery and I think this will be the tough part.
So far everything is reminding me of my previous life. I see adverts that remind me of her, songs that remind me of a concert we went to, but the thing that really got me is I keep seeing people walking their dogs. My dog was my rock through the last 54 days and I miss the little guy like hell. Good news is my landlord agreed I could have him over so next Monday night he’s staying over. Cannot wait. So excited to see him and it’s only been 26 hours 😂😂
Start a pretty brutal run of shifts for the next 12 days with a mix of nights and days so gonna be tired as hell. On the plus side I won’t have time to mope!
Positive thoughts for today - day 1 of recovery complete. No tears, no breakdowns, I ate food, relaxed a little. Oh and I get to see my dog soon 😂
Thanks again @thebean, and @pinklady I hope you are doing well as always.
Stat strong 💪
55 days done. No thoughts of gambling.
Annoyingly I found out today that the 2.5K I had side-lined as part of our separation agreement to cover getting essentials for the new place will get me absolutely nothing. Solicitors fees come to, you guessed it, just under 2.5k. Robbing beggars. This is why I didn't want them involved. Money wasted for no reason. Rich coming from a guy who wasted money for no reason for years, but still! I knew that once I came clean and got help I would never waste money again, so this really wound me up. Look likes I'll be living like a pauper for quite some time yet. As long as I have enough for food, for myself and the dog, and petrol for work, and going to see the dog, I'll survive.
New place was desperately quiet today. Still not anywhere used to this living alone nonsense yet. Oh and the resident old battel axe told me off for parking in her space. She then told me she didn't even have a car. She's high on the Christmas card list now!
Anyway, enough ranting. Stuck at work pretty much everyday now for 2 weeks. Yipeeeeee!!
Positive thoughts - I get paid overtime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I can afford a bedside lamp next month 😂
Stay strong 💪
56 days gamble free. Racking the days up.
Night shift last night so slept til lunchtime. Was actually looking forward to coming back to my place after work. Starting to feel a little more like my space. Still a little bare and will be for a while thanks to my solicitor, but it’s got everything I need to get by for a while. Got a few supplies at the shop today to keep me ticking over for the next few days but I’m working nearly 40 hours over the next 3 days so will mainly be sleeping when I get back.
Starting to feel like an ex gambler now. Not gonna post anything in success stories just yet. Will wait til my year out for that, but gambling really has no interest for me at the moment. I think living alone and suffering the silence and loneliness has really made me realise what I’ve lost and how gambling is a curse in the world.
I keep reading the new entries by people and it makes me really sad that others have been caught up in this too. So many life’s ruined by gambling, so many relationships turned upside down, so many people who can’t see a way out. I’ve got a long way to go but I can see a way out. It’s a very faint light, but it’s there, and then I can rebuild my life and focus on getting the life I always wanted. It’s the life I had, with the exception of the lies, stress, depression, anxiety and pain. Other than that it was perfect 😂.
Positive thoughts for today: I bought a colander. I can now drain my pasta. I say, colander, it’s a sieve as they were cheaper!! Small victories
Stay strong 💪
57 days gamble free. Getting good at this!
Mental day at work topped off with someone dying. Cant say my job isn’t interesting! Always feel terrible when someone passes at my place of work. It’s always those left behind I feel for. Was a husband today, left without his life partner. I know the feeling only too well, although I’m sure his grief is much worse than mine. Poor guy
Felt sad all day today. Weighed done by loneliness and the thought of never spending time with my ex again. Thinking about our first date. I knew she was the one straight away. Obviously I was wrong, but still nice to remember. Makes me smile.
Get to see my little mate soon, he’s gonna come stay the night on Monday. Super excited to see him. Dogs are awesome companions. Hope he’s not missing me too much.
Positivity for today, hmmmmm. I still have my health. I spent most of my life around death and destruction and I always forget how lucky I am to be here still. Takes a day like today to realise that it’s actually ok to be alive, and have feelings. Some don’t have that luxury.
Stay strong 💪
58 days done. Super tired today. Work has been a killer lately and I’m in again tomorrow. My place is starting to feel a little bit more like my home now. Think I’m just getting more used to being alone. Still a lonely existence but had a great chat in the chat rooms tonight. Still feeling strong. Still happy I owned up to my addiction. Marriage is gone, but mind is clear and I am not permanently stressed (well not about gambling anyway). So excited about having my dog on Monday. Gonna raise my spirits so much.
Weird how things can change. I’ve been to my lowest point in the last 58 days, several times, but I feel at peace today, in my place. Sad, lonely, regretful, embarrassed; ashamed, but at peace. That’s my positive thought for today. As low as I still feel. My mind is free. I don’t feel shackled by gambling. That’s a win in my book.
Stay strong 💪
👌💪🙏.
🩷🍎
59 days done. Today was another crazy busy day at work. Kept me busy, usual random stuff happened. Assaults, emergencies and me fighting with other everyone who can’t run their own operation. Just a normal day😂
Biblical rain for a bit too, just on my way home. Was nice to get home, open a bottle of wine, watch the Grand Prix, and hear the rain battering down. Super tired so only 1 glass for wine then bed.
Will be up sharpish, got a busy day planned tomorrow. Up, shower, head to petrol station, head to library (reading a book every 2-3 days at the moment), head to shop for some food, pick up the little man (dog), take him to his favourite park, back to mine. 24 hours with the dog. So excited it’s unbelievable. Cannot wait to see the little guy.
Still on a bit of a happy place. Think it’s the excitement of seeing my buddy again. My place is still feeling a bit more like my place than my home but it’s getting there. Still miss my ex, but it’s getting there, still miss my home, but it’s getting there. Small steps, small victories.
Stay strong 💪
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