Determined to keep a diary

@p6z38njbqm  Well done mate.  Nearly 60 days GF is not to be sniffed at.  I am half way behind you at 30 days myself.

I am working with patients as I gather you do from your posts.  Work has been a saviour for me as well.  Focusing on something other than gambling issues has been a welcome relief.

One guy we were caring for in hospital took the decision to withdraw from treatment and face the end of life last month.  He was amazing.  So dignified and matter of fact about everything.  The bravery he showed really struck me. It gave me a real reality check...  Yes I have debt, yes I have messed up big time, yes I wish gambling never darkened my life but I get to wake up tomorrow and experience a new day.

It is so good to look around yourself sometimes and drink it all in.  There is so much we take for granted until it is taken away.

It is good to read that you are enjoying your new start.  I know from what you have written that this is not where you planned to be.  However enjoy it, and the freedom you have to write the next chapter of your life.

@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish. 🐟. Have a lovely time with you “little guy” tomorrow.  I am actually petrified of dogs! 🙈. It’s the bark more than anything and if one ever jumped up at me, I don’t know what I would do!😰. It is a real fear I have had since I was a little girl and not sure whether it will ever leave me after all these years???

Keep surging ahead and making each day better 💪👌. 

Your diary buddy - Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

@thebean - I don’t work with patients, I work with passengers, at an airport. They are much worse 😂. Airports are stressful places and bring out the worst in people. Anger, resentment, violence, and they are 24/7 so attract all kinds of people who are not traveling. Mental health issues, homelessness. Sometimes feels like a hospital!

Day 60. Feels like a milestone to reach such a big number. Feeling very happy with that number.

Today was the happiest day I’ve had in a long time. My dog was so happy to see me and we’ve had a great day together. Yes we got soaked on our walk, yes he peed in my new place, yes he barked at everyone passing the window probably disturbing the neighbours, but we played, we walked and we had great fun. Was just nice having someone to talk to. He’s next to me now, on the floor, I’m tucked up in bed. Looking forward to his usual 05:30 wake up call tomorrow.

Had to pick him up from my ex home today. Felt so strange being back there. Felt like ages since I’d been there and weirdly it felt like being in a strangers house. Strange mix of emotions.

Anyway, need some sleep. Back on night shift’s tomorrow so the little guy has to go back home. 

Stay strong 💪 

61 days done. Night shifts at work so just got into bed. Absolutely shattered. So tried I almost drove to my old home. Missed my junction 😂

Had the best 2 days with my pooch. 2 hour walk along the beach, had a blast. He got me up at 05:00. Think he was restless as it was a new environment but I’m sure he will get used to it. Miss him already. Was great having someone to talk to.

Need to sleep now. Good morning/night all.

Stay strong 💪 

63 days gamble free. Missed my diary entry yesterday, the joys of work. Back in day shifts tomorrow for the next 3. At least 2 of them are overtime so extra cash in the bank next month. 

The new pad is slowly growing on me. Ordered  coffee table yesterday aswell as a lamp, oven tray, kitchen tongs, a hoover and treated myself to an Amazon echo dot so I can chill with music. Felt so good buying things for me. Kept to the cheaper products as I’ll be running on fumes for a while until I can get this debt shifted but still amazing to buy things for me and my place. 

One of my work colleagues took me for a coffee yesterday and it was nice to see people are concerned about me with the break up etc. Nice to know that I do have people I can talk to. I didn’t tell her about my gambling issues. Still keeping that away from work. 

Had a nice night tonight watching a film. Made some dinner, had a coffee. Just behaved like a normal person. Feels amazing to be finally getting the life I want. Admittedly I wanted to be sharing it with someone, but baby steps! Let’s figure out how to adult first 😂. If any of the people who have just joined this form are reading this, look at how much my life has changed in the last 2 months. Read my early posts and compare them to now. My life has changed so much in a short space of time but I genuinely feel in a better place for it. You can do it too. There will be dark times, but the light at the end of the tunnel is there. I know I still have dark times to come. I miss my family and home desperately, but I’m starting to feel happy. Most importantly I’m not gambling and I’m not stressed about it constantly. 

Off to bed to read a book. The dreaded 05:30 alarm for the next 3 days. 

Stay strong 💪 

Wow Fish! 🐟. You have treated yourself! Well done you 👏👏👏. Those echo dots are a godsend if you like your music👌. It was nice catching up on group chat with everyone this evening. 👍.  Enjoy your read and chill and don’t forget that chocolate bar for next Thursday - “Treat Thursday” 🍫 - the 2 T’s! 😆.

Take care and remain healthy of mind 🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

64 days gamble free. 

Tonight’s feeling is anger. Grrrrr. My whole relationship previously my ex was always taking money from me. I always ended up paying for things that she didn’t pay for. The car, any tools we needed etc. I always ended up paying half for all the things she wanted to get from the joint account that I never used. I however bought my own things instead of putting them on the joint account as I thought that was fair. Today she asked me for a full month of bills for my final month at homes our separation agreement (signed and legal) says I will pay til the 20th and when I questioned it, she says she will reduce it but then add other things she missed out the month before. I get the impression she wants to see me suffer. Well if she wants to add things on, I’ll total up the years of free car she had, see how that works out. Grrrrr. So angry 😡. I really did think we were being amicable. Turns out it was only me that was. She got manipulated by her last husband and now she’s the one trying to do it to me which of course she can’t see. 

Anyway rant over. It’s been a busy day. Work is always busy. Looking forward to my GA session on Monday night. Missed last week. Nice to see how people are getting on. Hopefully no gambling to report there. 

Off to bed. Not sure I’ll sleep now I’m so wound up, will try though as up at 05:30 again. 

Stay strong and angry 💪

@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish. 🐟. Try to remember that your ex could still be feeling really shocked and hurt and this in turn, could be making her feel angry and resentful too. It sounds like you are, what I call, “a good old fashioned gent”, paying for stuff and seeing your family get what they want/need.  The time has come for you to now concentrate on yourself and your own thoughts and feelings.  Anger is nothing but a “troublesome” emotion which just makes us feel even worse and can often lead to rumination 👎.

Getting back to you……. remember what you have achieved in a very small space of time 👏👏👏👏. All this whilst at the same time, having to deal with your marriage breakdown, leaving your family home, keeping your head up at work whilst trying to carry on as normal as possible! The biggest thing being  AND REMAINING G.f! 👌.

Take comfort in today that you are making changes for the better and you are determined and committed in your approach 👍.

Be kind to yourself and today, try to do one thing that you know is positive and you will enjoy!

On this journey with you 🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️🚶🏻‍♀️.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Thanks @pinklady. I have simmered down a little, even if she did try and squeeze the 1 extra days cash out of me. I paid it to keep the peace. She is paid off now and I can focus on me. Leaves me a little bit more skint than I had planned this month so will be tight again. Not sure why we paid so much money for solicitors if we are just going to make our own rules up anyway. Anyway, its done, I'm moving on.

Day 65. Calling it gamble free already. At work with no chance to gamble and will be straight to bed when i get home tonight.

Been invited out for a couple of drinks with some workmates towards the end of this month. All women so I think I'll be getting hen pecked all day! Looking forward to it though. I think they secretly want to check out where I live as they want to come to me first. Nosey!! Will be nice to spend some time out of work with people though so will make sure I keep some money back for a few cheeky beers.

Crazy to think that 2 months ago I slept in my car at one point and didn't eat for about a week. My eating is still not great, but that's due to working crazy hours. Now however, i sleep in my own place, watch my own TV, eat my own food. Watched Oppenheimer the other day. Quite enjoyed it. My ex would have been bored by it, so it's nice to be able to enjoy a film on my own. Need some more films to watch now. Recommendations please!!

Coffee table arrives today. Quite excited about that. Will be set up properly now after my lamp and additional kitchen supplies arrived yesterday. Got the basics sorted, now I need to slowly build the comforts. Next thing I want to buy is a pizza tray and pizza slicer. I like to make my own pizza so will be looking forward to doing that soon. Probably wait until next month. Gonna make sure the money lasts this month with some saving left behind. Only a few quid for the pizza stuff, but its something I don't desperately need right now so it can wait. Petrol and food are the priorities, followed by a day out with friends.

Feeling better about today now I've had a quick rant. Looking forward to finishing work, getting home, cooking some pasta (probably make a carbonara), then heading to bed with a book. Will maybe pop on later if I get time for the chatroom.

Good luck everyone and stay strong 💪

Day 66. Gamble free and in a good place.

At work again today and will be super tired when I get home so writing early again. Started watching another film after work last night but couldn't make the end. Was too tired. Will finish that tonight with a glass of wine as I'm off tomorrow. Cant wait for a day off, however I know I'll wake up at 05:30 as I've been doing it all week. Not sure what my plan is for tomorrow. Definitely going to take a walk and explore my new town. Not done it yet without the dog. Lots of nice coffee shops etc so will maybe treat myself to a coffee and watch the world go by for a bit.

My mind is clear today. Had a few angry days, but they are gone. Back to enjoying my solo life. Its quite peaceful and I've decided to try and find a hobby to keep me busy. My hobbies up until now have included the following - Gambling. That's it 🤣. Time to find a proper hobby. Needs to be something i can do at home and not a weekly club as my shift work makes that not a suitable option.

My coffee table arrived yesterday. Its quite telling of how much my life has changed when i say it made me really content. It's nothing special, but makes the room more homely. Plus i can rest my glass of wine on it tonight. Winner! Really starting to enjoy living in my own place. Kept it amazingly clean. Getting quite house-proud. Wonder if that will last!

I'm still visiting here everyday, several times a day. I think reading other peoples stories is a huge help. From starting out on a journey, to getting our lives on track, its fascinating to read and keeps my confidence up in beating this. I know none of us will ever be free from this addiction, but with support we can control it. Some have the support of others. I'm not in that situation. I have no one to take control of my finances, or give me emotional encouragement so this place is my Mecca. I've managed 66 purely by using the support on here and from GA meetings to get this far, and I really do feel I'm in a good place. Gambling will not play a role in my life now, unless its to discuss my hatred of it in here and to provide any help I can to anyone going through the same journey.

Have a great day. Stay strong 💪

Thanks so much for sharing your journey. I admire your strength as you work through it all. Can definitely see you're making positive steps and over 60 days (on your own for the most) is amazing!

I'm only on day 2 but I'm just as determined as you are and look forward to passing the 60 day mark.

If you have time, make a brief list at the end of each day that covers the positive things you did today and remember they did not involve gambling. Be proud of yourself for that.

Hobbies... There are so many things you can do! Have you thought about learning a new skill?

How about teaching yourself a new language, instrument, web design, basic programming or anything that involves using your hands and brain. I play guitar (self taught at home) and have just started learning the basics of video editing. Eventually I'd like to start uploading to Youtube.

Keep up the good work - you got this!

@p6z38njbqm Nice one.  Great to hear the progress that you are making.

Working at an airport must be stress city!  I can't imagine dealing with stroppy customers one after another.

I am in the same situation as you as far as hobbies...  Gambling and the harm it was causing took all my energy before.  Now I have time I need to invest in hobbies.  I have lots of interests but seem to have a really short attention span, maybe from the quick fix of the gambling?...  I am not sure.

As you say, it is so good to keep checking in on this forum and realise that we are not alone.

Cheers for being so good at updating the diary.  I am checking in daily.

Day 67 done. 

Had a GA meeting today. Always good to check in with the guys there. Missed it last week due to work. Topic was how do we keep new members. So many come for one day and then never return. Ultimately it’s gotta be done to the individual. I walked through the door and wanted to be there. Yes I was nervous, yes I didn’t know what to expect, yes I thought it would help. I think so many people turn up thinking it will cure them. Unfortunately it’s a lifetime commitment to quit and you have to be in that mindset or you won’t come back. This is a long journey, one that has no end, but it does get easier, or so I’ve found in my 2 months. 

It’s been 2 weeks in my new place. I honestly feel like it’s a new start to my whole life. I have some money, I am genuinely content. I’ve lost my family and my home, but I’ve got a new home, a new chance at life. My mind is focused on being a better person. Maybe one day I’ll have a new family and a new home, but right now I’m happy just focusing on me and getting my life back in track. 

Made my first payment to step change today so my debt is being tackled, got some food, got some petrol, I’m in a good place. Also got a surprise dog stay over night tonight. He went mental when he saw me, I was just as happy. Looking forward to my 05:30 wake up call now!

Now the gambling is gone I look forward to each day. Before I dreaded waking up. I didn’t want to be around people, I was stuck in my own world torturing myself. Now I’m free and I enjoy being awake, seeing the world, spending time with people and not being afraid to be alone. 

As always, stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Lovely post Fish. 🐟👌.

Continue to better your days in every way!

In this together 💪🙏.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Day 68 g/f. No thoughts of gambling, no urges. Keeping busy is the key.

Thanks to everyone who’s commented. Nice to know my story may be helping others. We all essentially have the same story, we just all go off on different tangents. Root cause is always gambling though. Mad to think how much we all have in common. Our lives have been ruled by gambling and now we are bonded by the urge to beat it.

Trying not to spend money, but today I found a nice wok for £9. Bargain. Had to have it!! Popped into tkmaxx to look at home stuff and could have spent a fortune! Had to refrain.

Dropped the doggy back today. He’s still not settled in my new place, but he’s only been twice so hopefully he will come round. Still had a great time with him. He hugged me in the car all the way home 😂

Night shifts for the next 2 nights, then finally some time off. Another night with poochy too so winner.

Stay strong everyone. Spend some time with loved ones, treasure the time you have with them. You’ve probably hurt them beyond belief with your addiction so give them some love! 💪