Determined to keep a diary

Day 69 g/f. Feeling good about gambling. No urges.

I read somewhere that in order to make something habitual you have to do it daily for 70 days. I think this applies to things like running etc, but tomorrow is my day 70 not gambling. I don’t expect that I’ll be cured, but it’s a nice milestone to have in my head. 

Work went pretty quick last night. Got one more shift tonight and then 4 days off. Can’t wait. Not really had any time off in my new place. Got the dog (yay) for one night and then I’m gonna spend the rest of the time sorting my place out. Got some new things and they all need a place. Kitchen needs organised, got some cleaning to do, rearrange a few things. Then I’m going to explore my new town. Big walk, stop for a coffee, watch the world. There are allot of tourists come here so will have a great time watching them be amazed at the views, knowing it’s where i live. 

Was thinking about my current life position last night. I hit rock bottom, I ruined my life, I upset those dearest to me and forced them away, im in debt to my eyeballs and I have had to start my life again. Amazingly I’ve never felt healthier (mentally). I can sleep, I don’t stress about waking up. I’m not drinking whenever I can. I’m not on my phone 24/7. I find pleasure in looking out the window, or watching a film. I read allot of books. This is the life I wanted. Admittedly I always wanted this life with someone, but for now I’ll take it. Imagine how I’ll feel when I’m debt free. Makes me more determined to tackle that as fast as I can and get the debt paid off. 

Stay strong 💪 

Welldone mate your doing amazing am at 331 days life is going great, since joining this forum it exactly what i needed their no pressure and lot of help available i can see a change in myself the days will soon add up once u get to a certain stage i would advice you to keep focused as i have been caught many times when i have let my gaurd down and its always ended up the same way

Day 70. Thanks @tazman, I can see how easily it would be to let my guard down. Luckily this diary keeps me going. Can’t imagine having to say day 1 again. 

Today feels like a milestone for some reason. 70 is a nice number. I read a load of the success stories last night and it really inspired me. So many sad stories that have had positive outcomes. Shows that this can be done and it’s not the end of the world. Still feels like it sometimes. I still have very low points during my day. Missing my family, missing my previous home but I push those thoughts away. I’m slowly accepting that I’m now a mid 40s single man, with no savings living in rented accommodation. There is hope though. I have a good job, I have a military pension, I will be debt free sometime relatively soon. I can rebuild. I can have a good future. I can move on. Whatever is meant to be will be. The only thing I can change is my mindset. 

Positive thoughts for today - I have my dog tonight and tomorrow we are going for a big walk. Looking forward to it. Down to the sea to explore. If I can bring him some joy I know he will love it and that will make me smile.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 71. 

Today has been an emotional struggle. Kept seeing pictures on my phone of my previous life and a programme on tv of a hotel we’d stayed in. Really sad to see my life gone and then replayed before me. My fault. Can’t complain 😂

Had a lot to think about today. My life has been one big destructive force. My gambling has always been there simmering, I’ve always almost been cheated on, I’ve been heavily involved in things is shouldn’t have been, got myself clean and got a respectable job in the military, saw things you wouldn’t wish to ever imagine, given things up for love, lost things for love. I think my life needs stability. I think the loneliness I feel now is because I’ve lost the one true person, but also because my life has been full of adrenaline and emotion, I’ve flown in fighter jets, lived in vegas (for a short period), traveled the world, swam with sharks. I’ve done some amazing things. The thing is, I’ve always shared that experience with someone. Now I haven’t got that and it’s scary. I’ve never really been scared in my life and now i am. Being alone is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. The good thing for me is that I’m also scared of gambling again. I know that will only take me to an even worse place so I’ll take that as a positive!

For the first time in 2 weeks I don’t have to get up or fo anything tomorrow. Quite excited to be in bed and know that. No doubt I’ll wake up at 5 and no doubt it will rain and ruin my planned walk but I’m still looking forward to it. 

Stay strong 💪 

72 days g/f. Feeling good, no desire to gamble.

Didnt quite get on my walk today. Managed to sort my place out though. Tidied up, washed the bedding, did some cleaning, cooked a lovely pasta dish for dinner. Kept myself busy and it felt good to just potter about.

Figured out why I feel so down at the moment. It’s my wedding anniversary tomorrow. I knew there was a reason I was thinking of the ex more at the moment. Oh well. Will have to go for a walk tomorrow and think of the good times.

Really enjoyed my nice quiet day today. Turns out I don’t need adrenaline and excitement to have a good day. My new mindset will be to relax and enjoy the quieter things in life. Been trying for a while but it’s still quite hard to do for me. My mind is programmed to enjoy exciting things. 

Early night for me tonight. Gonna finish my quiet day with a book and maybe jumping in the chat room at 20:00.

Stay strong 💪 

73 days gamble free. 

Been keeping myself busy today. Did some ironing, watched a little tv, hoovered, just some normal stuff. Also had a quick study session for my exam tomorrow. Got a 12.5 hour shift and then a 3 hour online exam. Gonna be a long one tomorrow so might not be in here. Don’t worry though, I won’t have any time to be gambling!

Kept up my open uni degree going even though it costs money. Thought it was a worthwhile expense as it keeps me busy. Managed to get step change to factor it into my payment structure which was good. 

Not allot else to say today. Obviously a sad one, but trying not to dwell on it. Tomorrow is a new day as they say and things can only get better. My biggest fear has always been growing old alone and that’s currently what I’m doing so it’s time to face my fear and own it. It might be the way my life pans out, it might not, but I can’t know that now so no point dwelling. 

Hope everyone is still fighting and staying strong 💪 

74 days gamble free and my brain hurts! Brutal day at work then a 3 hour exam. Bit sure how I did, ran out of time for 1 question and didn’t fully answer 2 others as was trying to eat dinner at the same time. Should be easily good enough to pass though and will ensure I get a day off for next years exam. With everything I’ve had going on it totally slipped my mind until it was too late to get cover. Missed my GA meeting tonight too which is annoying.

Not had time to even consider my mental health or gambling today and now I feel totally exhausted. Up at 05:30 for another 12.5 hour shift again. At least I’m keeping busy!

Still managed to read a few posts on here. Sad to see some new names and stories. Means this addiction has caught up with more people. I suppose it does mean they have accepted they have a problem and can start their recovery. All I think about now is being debt free and staying gamble free. I so desperately want a new life. Already feels like I have one, but now I want the best one I can have. 

No matter how under the gun I was at work or during my exam today, I kept thinking of my little dog. God I miss that little guy. Gonna see him again this Friday so something to look forward to as I put the hours in at work. Actually looking forward to getting home from work tomorrow with nothing to do. Exam done, house is clean, washing is done. Relax time, although I’ll probably fall asleep 10 minutes after sitting down 😂

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish 🐟. Hope you did enough for your exam to get a pass mark🤞🙏. I must be honest though, eating your dinner whilst doing an exam is not the best - I know I am a woman and us women are known for being able to “multi-task 😊 but honestly, we can all only do one task at a time, especially if we are to give it 100%.

I hope you get some rest in between your long shifts - you don’t want to be running yourself into the ground and you do need to be kind to your mind and body. 

Just a little thought I had about you today. I am aware that you want to clear your debt off by the end of this year with Stepchange.  I am not sure how much debt you have and by no means you don’t have to say. I have mentioned this to you before that my payments with them have been slow and steady for a number of years and I dictate how much I can comfortably afford each year. I am not sure if you are aware but the longer you are making smaller payments, you often get letters from your debtors, with offers of a reduced one off payment. This is often between 40 and 50% less and if you can afford this, they then set your account as being “settled”.  I had a very large bank loan from a number of years ago and last October, I was sent such a letter, which meant if I was to pay them £2,135.00, this would mean they would right off around £8,000!! I showed my brother this letter and asked if he could pay this off for me and I would pay him back monthly. Thankfully, he agreed as he could see how much of a saving I would make and him being the kind and generous person he is, also let me off with £900.00 of the total amount 💙. That meant that I just have to give him £100.00 each month until this December. It was just something I wanted to make you aware of in case you didn’t know?

Take care and Friday will soon be here for you to be reunited with your little dog!🐶.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

Thanks pink lady, food for thought but want this whole experience behind me asap. Will see what step change say though.

75 days done. Still feeling confident and no desire to return to that horrible place.

Today was a struggle after yesterday’s working/exam combo. Another tough day at work today. Lots of happy families off on holiday. Tough to see, but happy that others have happiness with each other. 

Too tired for a proper update tonight, already in bed and thinking about sleeping. Hope everyone is doing well and keeping their money safe.

Stay strong 💪 

Hi mate your doing really well, keep pushing forward i made vows after my last relapse i will make changes to myself and help others in the process, keep doing what your doing i have started to get joy out of other people doing well

Thanks taz, me too. I’m loving the fact some people are finding my ramblings useful. Great to feel like we are connecting with people and committing to this journey together.

Day 76 done. A mad day.

Found out this morning my baby nephew is in hospital after having a siezure. Being kept in after having a temperature of 40, but sounds like he should be ok. My poor sister is knackered. 

Roll on a few hours and the crazy work day gets crazier. Can’t say too much but let’s just say an explosion was involved and as the person in charge things got interesting. Certainly made the day go quickly, and proud to say it was managed well and no concerns afterwards.

On night shift tomorrow so get a long lie in the morning. Need it after today. Hoping for a quiet shift tomorrow night as the last 3 days have been mental. On the plus side they’ve been quick.

Fingers crossed for good news about my nephew, and hope my sis gets some rest tonight. 

Stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Hi Fish 🐟. Thoughts and prayers will go out to your nephew and your sister this evening from me. 🤞🙏🙏🙏.

Take care and rest well when you can.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.

I want to wish your nephew a speedy recovery. Health is the most important thing. Life is throwing new challenges to make your family stronger. So, stay strong!

Thanks for the concerns. My nephew ended up staying in hospital another night after a high fever but got out today. Mum and baby doing well and some much needed rest being had.

Day 77 today. Night shift tonight so no worries about gambling. Life does keep throwing curve balls at us. I don't know if it was always like this or if its because I am documenting it that I realise more. Anyway, its not gonna get me down. I will not gamble, I will not think of that as my happy place again. It only brought misery.

A good question in the chatrooms tonight. 'How do I feel after 77 days?'. The honest answer is I feel in a much better place. I'm not afraid of waking up, or being alone. I'm not worried about the phone ringing, or the post arriving. I'm not desperate to escape from life in a world of spinning slots as soon as I get back from work. I am still afraid of going back to that dark place, but my mind is strong and I know I will do everything in my power to never return there.

For me the 77 day tally is a great reminder of how far I've come and its great for me to have a counter. I'm afraid to break that and return to zero, I also want to get it as high as I can. Its important to say though that it really means nothing to me also. Each day is a victory, and I'm only taking one day at a time. My next goal is 100, but in reality my next goal is just to get to the end of the day without gambling. Beating one day at a time adds up, but we can only ever tackle one day at a time. 1 day gamble free or 100 days gamble free its all the same. Beating that day is the important thing.

Back to work. Stay strong 

@p6z38njbqm A lovely post Fish. 🐟👌. Keep doing this, day at a time, patiently and before you know it, you will have hit that 100 days milestone. 

Take care and rest well when you get the chance.

Pink Lady. 🩷🍎.