Diary

(Day 2) - 04 - 01 - 19

I am new to this Day 2 of not gambling - I would like to keep a Dairy on Gamcare but not sure if this is the right place. I am sick and tired of the hold Gambling has on me. It has robbed my enjoyment for everyday pleasures, stopped me owning my own house, countless nights of sleep. It has taken from children- money I have gambled has meant they have did without holidays, a secure home, family days outs, money in a savings account. Gambling has taken away my ability to support my son at University and much more - it has taken time with me from my children. This is the year I will be gambling free - Gambling operators would not be profitable if it was not for people like me - a Gambling addict - my best revenge on Gambling business - is recovery - I have been paying them to live a comfortable life - while my life - has been full of panic, anxiety, guilt and shame. I think I will always regret not taking this step sooner - but today I have and today I am ready from the long hard battle I have in front me. Gambling addiction is something I have power over - as all I need to do is NOT GAMBLE - Gambling will only control me - if I decide to Gamble - with supports in place to protect me against the cravings and urges - with the understanding the road to recovery can be a painful one - with the knowledge with pain comes deeper understanding - growth - strength - I can and I will battle with all my might to remind in recovery - this will be my revenge on Gambling - the activity - that has taken too much from my children and me.

(Day 4) - 06 - 01 - 19

What a difficult night – waking up sweating and panicking – the darkness is always the most loneliness – fear multiplies – Anxiety thrives – shame and guilt take over. At night there is nowhere to hide from negative thoughts and racing brain. But with the darkness comes light – this is what I need to hold onto – these feelings are temporary – the despair and hopelessness are something I can overcome. Too long gambling has taken the joy out of my life – Gambling has enabled me to freeze my growth – not deal with the past – it has been a quick fix to prevent feelings of pain, shame and loneliness. In reality - Gambling has doubled the pain, shame, guilt, loneliness and fear – that was already there. Until I address my past troubles – face my past fears – I will always seek a quick fix – weather its Gambling or something new. What I have learnt is any quick fix used to avoid dealing with the past – will and does mean doubling the issues needing to be addressed. I know this – I have studied addiction – have worked with people who have did exactly what I have done – I have encouraged people to take the steps I have been unable to take- I have been frustrated at people who have been unable to take the steps needed to secure recovery. It is now I understand how difficult a task it is to undertake. It is only when a person is truly ready - can recovery begin. It is only when a person is truly willing is accept addiction – quick fixes and avoiding - is only freezing the real issues needing addressed and addiction will add more issues. I am realising words – advice – the textbooks – make everything seem so easy – living, doing and taking the actions – takes strength – but it is d**n hard to do.

Good luck Karen, your story rings so true to myself and I’m sure many others on here.

Good luck Karen, just wanted to mention that I too do a job that helps and supports others; and yet I was unable to take and my own advice and to work on my own diffiuclties! Typical. Hope you're getting through it all.

sorry for some reason it posted twice.

Bex

Hi Karen

I wish you the best of luck on this journey. I too work in a job helping and supporting people and understand your thoughts and feelings all too well. I hope that 2019 is the year we learn to support ourselves in the same way we support others.

Bex

Hi Karen your comment about taking revenge on gambling by not gambling is a perfect motivator! You’re so right!! Wish you all the luck in the world with your fight.

Thank you everyone for your words of support - it is refreshing to hear others working in the caring profession face similar struggles to myself – as so often – mental health and addiction in the social care and medical sector is something that impacts clients – not the doctor – the social worker – the nurse – or the support worker. Its frightening how alone a person can feel when facing mental health problems or addition despite being surrounded by professionals. Talking about your mental health – can call your fit to practice into question – leave you feeling judged – or mistrusted by your team. Again, I have said so many times – it doesn’t matter what other people say or think about you – in fact it none of your business what people say or think about you – and while I believe this is true – making myself more vulnerable than I am - at this stage is not something I am willing to do. Yet I know support and hope is an essential ingredient to recovery. I am lucky – my life is still manageable – my debt can be payable in a few years – if I take the steps to gain control – I can only hold on to that control – if I do not GAMBLE – one – day at time. As soon as I give into the urge – the lies my thoughts tell me – I lose my control and hand power to my Gambling addiction.

Lets hope that 2019 - will be a year - where Gambling Operators do not profit from our addiction - live comfortable lives on our pain and shame. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for - we always have the choice not to Gamble - even in our darkness moments of despair - we can still choose NOT to GAMBLE - Good Luck to you all

(Day 5) 07 – 01 – 19 – Have had to apply for a loan too over this month’s bills. I am very unlikely to get approved for the loan as they requested one month of bank statements – which evidences my gambling transactions – over £3000 in December alone. I have always been able to justify my gambling problem – as my debt was always manageable, my bills paid on time and until July 2018 I had some saving – but if I am honest – I suspected I had the potential to develop a gambling problem within 2 months of opening my first online account with a bookmarker nearly 5 years ago – I knew the signs – I knew the risks – but I still continued to gamble – despite my efforts in the early days to manage my gambling – I knew deep down – it was controlling me – as I was believing the lies of my own thoughts. Having kicked the horse racing betting addiction very easily – I convinced myself I was not an ADDICT. Now I know better - I swapped it for a slot addiction – I remember the night I started playing slots – the fear and panic I felt was not a pleasant feeling – as deep down I knew I was on the edge of a more serious Gambling addiction (for me) than horse betting – I knew the fear and panic of the first night playing the slots – was hitting the right place in my brain – to create the addiction – with the unpredictable wins – came the excitement – the high – with the lost – came the low – and the struggle to get that high again – the feel good chemicals being released into my body – falsely created – as an educated person – I still got hooked – I still chased that high – knowing the false highs – would steal the normal highs of everyday life – like reading a good book – going for a walk – out of a meal. Gambling addiction – can affect anyone – I am learning this in a very personal way. It doesn’t matter – how educated you are – how much money you make – the size of wage packet – your social class – family life – or past – once the merry-go-round of - the high – low- takes grips and robbed the everyday pleasures – your hooked. I don’t believe in the statement ‘A person with an addiction must hit rock bottom – before they can recover.’ Everyone’s rock bottom is different – personal to each – we can always step of the merry-go-round of addiction at any stage – as we still have a choice – we still we control – yes, we can lose that control as soon as we start Gambling – but what I need to remember – I HAVE A CHOICE NOT TO GAMBLE – ONE – DAY – AT – TIME. Everything is temporary – changeable – manageable – ONE – DAY – AT – TIME. Small steps – the smaller the better – can lead to bigger rewards – the rewards money cannot buy – peace of mind – achievement – time – family life. I do feel the high-low merry-go-round of gambling has reached its limits for me – as difficult as this change is – letting go of my loses and taking the decision not to chase them – I know this is the right choice for me – I am craving normality – the small pleasures of life – being around family – without wanting to get home to gamble – living guilt free – being able to face my reflection in the mirror – and saying I proud you have turned this around. We all need hope and forgiveness – if recovery is what we need or want.

(Day 6) - 08 - 01 - 19

First day back to work and routine. Its only Tuesday and I am already dreading the weekend – the bills are mounting up – swimming lessons – guitar lessons – petrol and I don’t have any money or credit too make the payments in order for the children to continue their hobbies – saying that I gambled £3000 in December – how could I have been so selfish – so in denial – why did I ever think I could win it back – if only I hadn’t of chased my losses. However, chasing my losses – the serious consequences of my actions is the reason I am here – the reason I am in recovery – if I had of been left with £1000 to see me through this month – I would be still gambling – I would not have started my journey to recovery.

Strangely the dairy is helping and supporting me more than I could have imaged – I always advise when people are in crisis, overcoming trauma or experiencing difficulties – to write a journal – write how you are feeling every day. I know it can help – people have told how powerful a measure it is – but again – I never fully understood why it can support – because I never did it – I never experienced it. Instead of thinking about gambling today – my thoughts were what I would write – what learning I could take from my feelings. Being able to see my thoughts in words – black and white – is helping me to make sense of my behaviour – intervene when my thoughts turn to gambling – despair – or hopelessness. I no-longer need to continue to rethink the same negative, destructive and painful thoughts – as they are here written down – I have set aside each day to explore my thoughts – leaving me free to deal with life – sorting out the money issues – changing my bank – doing my job – caring for my children. I know I can’t prevent myself thinking about gambling or stop my desire to gamble – but I can and will – not act on my desire or feed my thoughts.

Its only Tuesday and I am already dreading the weekend – my weakness – my trigger. Again – my advice is to decide a plan - every minute of the weekend if needed – make a bedtime and go at that time. So- this is what I am going to do – I am going to plan my weekend – I normally don’t cook on Friday and Saturday night – Friday night is normally frozen pizza and chips – while Saturday night is a Take-out – which in the past left me free time to gamble.

This Friday we will still have pizza and chips – but cooked from fresh and toppings picked by the kids. Followed by some TV and a lovely bubble bath – in bed for 11pm. On Saturday – mornings are normally – kids clubs and food shopping (this will be a budget shop – yellow sticker shop) – homemade scones for lunch with jam and fresh cream – a long walk in the countryside with the kids – maybe even a walk along the beach – if we have time and hot chocolate after. For Dinner I will make chicken Tikka - all from scratch – and Naan bread (brought – we not know how to make) after dinner – I am going to treat myself to watching a movie with popcorn and in bed for 11pm. Sunday morning I will get up early and bring the dog on a long walk – catch up with washing – ironing – housework – cook the Sunday roast – Sundays are normally a really busy day preparing for the week ahead and cooking Sunday lunch – this Sunday will be different as I will not be stressing – feeling shame – guilt – because I have gambled nearly everything and had a sleepless night chasing my losses – think weekend might be a difficult one – but if I manage it well – I gain a little control back – I stop the gambling operators profiting on my pain and hurt.

(Day 7) 09 – 01 – 19

Today has been the most difficult day – the urge to gamble has been really strong. I got accepted for the loan I applied for which is good news – but with money brings the opportunity to gamble – I am in so much debt – I have just spent the last couple of hours paying of the very high interest credit cards – all 7 – that has funded my Gambling over the past 4 months – I have also gambled money I have earned – I know I can afford the loan payment – but I am so frightened – that I will run up the credit cards again – I do intend to close the credit card accounts as soon as the payments I have made clear – but a few days is a long time – with the means to gamble.

I nearly didn’t write tonight’s post – as my crazy thinking is telling me I can’t be bothered – the fight is ignoring what feels most comfortable – and going with what I want to do least – and writing in here tonight – I believe is enough to keep the urge to gamble under control – it is only one – day – at – a – time. I am off work on Friday – and plan to completely over haul my financial situation – closing cards – new bank accounts – fresh start – I just need to make it thought until Friday night – I hoping after I have taken the action to sort out my debts – the urge to gamble will be less – seriously cant wait to close the credit card accounts. This will pass - like everything the strong desire is temporary - I need to remember - each urge I resist - I gain a little more control - each urge i resist is a step closer - to a life where gambling has no control - each urge I fight means gambling does not win - operators dont profit on the back of my pain - my childrens hoilday - my sons support for University. I know I am in debt - but I know it is managable - I am going to do something i have never been able to do - I am going to book a small trip for the kids and I in July - I have never been able to plan a holiday - as the fear of not having the money to pay for it prevent me - any hoildays (which have been cheap, cheerful and budget) have been last mintue - when I have won normally alot less than I lost in the previous months - attempting to win - but it has never been about the win - it has always been the escape from reality - I did win quiet abit before over a couple of years wages - i never even withdraw any of it - I played every minute. In may ways the winning for me was more damaging - the refunds given because I had a self-exclusion - only enabled me to feed my addicition and continue to opt out of life. Things are looking up - apart from the horrible urge - my health is good - my family are happy and amazing - my job is going really well and depite of my current struggles I am d**n good at my job - because I love it - but i do feel a bit of a fruad - in ways until this week - I have been encouraging people to do what I say - rather than what I do myself. I know this personal experience with addiction - will make me stronger - more empathic - if I handle it the right way - if I avail of the support services I need - if I one-day-at-a-time DO NOT GAMBLE - when i choose not to GAMBLE - gambling is powerless to control me. So glad I wrote in my dairy tonight - so glad I pushed the urge not to write - so much c**P has come out - but you know what - sometimes it good to me and not my proffession.

Karen your honesty and determination shines through as does your strength and resilience. Stay strong, and you a doing amazing like you say a day at a time, a minute at a time if needs be. Well done on your journey so far! X

Day 7 (10 – 01 – 19) – Another difficult evening fighting the urge to gamble – I visited a friend – I never visit friends in the evening – but decided tonight I was going to ignore the urge – by removing myself from the place I gamble – my home – normally the kitchen – I am thinking it may be a good idea to start sitting in the living room instead of the kitchen – move from the place were it has been comfortable for me to gamble. Really positive day in work thou – have been given more responsibility which comes with more money – but it is more important the work I do to is recognised as good. I have two jobs – one I call the day job and the other I help out with when needed – while it’s a paid role – its more a labour of love – rather than a job – which in many ways makes me very lucky – as I get paid for doing something, I am very passionate about and I love. The few months are going to be busy – as my day job is now full-time and my second job is over nights a few times a month – being busy right now is what I need – the hours gambling need replaced – and taking on a new and exciting project in work is just what I need. Tomorrow will be my last Friday off for a while – and I’m closing my credit card accounts and making a budget- the loan has paid them, and the accounts need closed to remove the temptation to gamble. It’s a fresh start one loan payment to make a month instead of seven credit cards – its manageable – but it is sad as the money could have been used to put a deposit on a house – buy a brand new car – pay for my children’s University expenses – but it is what it is – this is where I am at and owning my own house is the foreseeable future – is achievable – if I don’t gamble ONE-DAY-AT-TIME. It a massive achievement making it too one week – I know gambling is not a physical addiction – but when the urge is there it creates physical symptoms – such as sweating – heart racing – restlessness – that gambling can relieve – but I need to remember the temporary relief – will be replaced with shame – guilt – disappointment – stress – racing heart – sleeplessness – once them physical start gambling has controlled me – when I fight the temporary symptoms – I gain a little more control. I have cleaned my cupboards hoovered and mopped – the physical tasks help me when the urge is there – nearly there and bedtime for me – Another day-gambling free.

(Day 8) 12 – 01 – 19

Last night was not a good night – I found myself searching for new online operators checking to see if I could log in to old accounts – Thankfully I was not able to log in. I did manage to open an account with an operator despite being self-excluded and registered with Gamcare – Thankfully I seen sense – self-excluded the account and went to bed very cross with myself. Yes, I didn’t gamble – but I took all the steps that lead to gambling including not writing in my Dairy. I didn’t have a great night sleep – kept waking with the urge to gamble – ended up putting my purse in the car. Didn’t manage to get my finances into some sort of order – cancelling the cards – couldn’t do it yesterday – kept thinking – I might need the credit cards – but I know I only never needed them to Gamble – and if I have stopped gambling – I will not need the cards – this is harder than I ever imagined. I feel physically exhausted fighting the urges – my mood is low as reality is stating to bit and what I have wasted on gambling – anger that the systems in place do not fully protect gambling addicts – I will used by operators who do not have effective systems to place to block accounts after people have taken the step to self-exclude. The gambling world is only profitable due to Gambling addiction – Why are these operators allowed to profit from Gambling Harm- there is a very simple solution – ID should be requested before any new account is approved and checked with self-exclusion – gamstop database. I am feeling overwhelmed with my own guilt, shame and sadness but angry the lack of protections in place make in very easy for people with a gambling problem to continue to gamble and yet it is perfectly legal. I am realising that if I want to stay gambling free – it must be down to me my personal choice not to gamble – the measures I put to place – must only act as a safety net – which is not full proof and therefore I must ensure the safety net is not needed. I will be closing the credit cards – apart from one -as I am able to block gambling transactions.

I woke up this morning panicking – the feeling when you have gambled the night before – searching brain to ask myself -WHAT DID I SPEND – thankfully this morning I was able to reassure myself – I dint gamble – but the panic didn’t leave – it stayed – the sadness stayed alone with the guilt – but there was no shame – no regret. I remember many mornings waking up with anxiety and sweating because of gambling the night before. I know Gambling addiction is the hardest addiction to beat – I knew this was not going to be a easy path – I just never imagined it to be so hard – for the physical symptoms to feel so strong. But I didn’t gamble last night – I need to acknowledge I didn’t gamble and be proud of that small step. And just for today – I don’t need to gamble. Gambling operator will not profit anymore on the back of my pain and my childrens.