Diary 2

Thanks for the response. All I am trying to do is what I think is right with no arrogance. I've reacted when I have felt provoked which is not good for me, an "adversary" or the forum but we are all human and sometimes we react. All I want is the best for my lovely wife, my family, myself and anyone who is serious about living a different life - happily - in which ever way works for them. All the best, Phil.

I'm going to share something - which I have never done before which is kind of related to gambling/addiction - feel please feel to disagree in a constructive way. When I lived in Brighton 18 years ago - as a journalist - i developed a co-caine habit. Every time I went to London for a work function it was like it was on a plate - very rarely payed for it. I knew I had a problem which was making me a mess - trawlling the back streets of Brighton/Hove looking for coke to BUY. My point is I went to five CA meetings and for whatever reason I stopped taking that horrible nasty drug and haven't even been tempted for over 11 years. I didn't need to be part of a fellowship and I don't care what anyone says - GA, CA, AA, OA which are are based somewhat differently on the the 12 steps of AA from the 1930s - list is endless! I, at 34 years old, decided I did not want that c@ap in my body/life etc. I think if being part of a anonoymous recovery group works for you that is fantastic - but I didn't need to do "90 meetings in 90 days" or listen to the slogans which - I know, I know, I'll get grief - are modified forms of AA stuff. "You are only as sick as as your secrets". Wow, imagine how excrutiating it is for some people to "share" at a meeting? I'm now thinking this post IS arrogant but I can only talk about my own experiences. Feedback welcome - but not from people who I have asked politely not to post on my diary. Cheers, Phil.

Phil - to what extent can you say you say you unequivicolly cracked the Charlie, whilst also being (or perhaps becoming) a gambling addict.

Is there not a sense of shifting the addiction? In my mind addiction is really the about the same issue of escapism/avoidance. Whatever form it takes.

I'm saying that as someone who's experienced weed, gambling and smoking addictions.

Louis

Hi Louis. Thanks for your post. With Charlie I cannot give an answer as through most of my 20s I did not touch drugs after coming out of the RAF at 21 after 3 years I was a massive pothead. I feel like I am realising what got me into gambling at 40 years old and I think I have posted before about anxiety etc. I can't make a definitive statement so I'm not going to talk rubblish. Again, thanks for you post. Phil

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I'm seeing a therapist - I had to fight VERY hard to gain access to treatment but after 8 sessions I'm not sure if I have achieved very much. Regarding drugs I wouldn't even know or care where to buy pot let alone Charlie. I don't KNOW if I swapped one addiction for another as there was a six year or so gap between my giving up Charlie and starting gambling. Before I was 40, I had been in a betting shop about 5 times in my life. I genuinely believe that with friends it did start off as a bit of fun - sitting in a pub choosing a horse to share a bet on but it spiralled out of control as I have already described and whether that coincided with other events that were going on in my life at the time I can't say for certain. What I can say for certain was that by this point last year I was in hell every day and felt like our new friend who has started a diary today. A year on I am happier, more relaxed (but on guard at the same time), regaining trust, tackling debts, listening and learning still and hoping I have something to contribute to this forum and elsewhere. I believe ODAAT can mean what I/YOU want it to mean and if anyone feels pedantic about that, please don't post on my diary as I've heard it all before. Thank you, Phil.

There are people on this forum who I have politely asked not to post on my diary - not because I'm afraid of criticism but what I want/need is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Not just trying to provoke which people have done and I've always said some people should know better. I don't think recovery has to be a grit your teeth experience etc. in MY opinion but there are people who are here who seem to lack humour or seem joyless (just a view - don't know about the rest of their lives) and can't seem to see that ODAAT is an individual thing instead of a mantra and with some people I see no happiness or joy in their recovery. How can you have a go at somebody on Day 1? It's happened and I think it is cruel. Even now I feel raw - emotions hightened etc. but I also see how happiness can come back into your life with no complacency etc. I might be on my guard and using this forum for the rest of my life. So what? If it keeps me "straight" what's the problem. I just can't see myself with my personality being five years clean giving scary advice to newcomers. As always just my view, Phil.

haha heightened...I think!

haha heightened...I think!

Interesting chatroom. I learnt a lot tonight about my own reactions and when I am right or wrong. I have a temper when I feel provoked or wound up inappropriately. End of. Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Phil,

'Tis me' Hope your well..I hope you don't mind but as a result of what happened tonight I felt the need to read your diary and seek out some more information about you and your journey. I have enjoyed reading your diary. Please do not underestimate your gut instinct, when you being baited and provoked you know it. It is plain to see. The key thing is, this is your diary, and your jounrney. 'The man that pays the piper, plays the tune'. We have to respect each other, and respect how each other writes and brings to the forum and chat. We are all here for the 'end result' to be GF. Some people may not get my uber positive posts or my chattyness, but my attitude in truth is, if you don't like it, jog on swiftly. It is hard to pinpoint something, as we all have that self-doubt of is it me. Most times, if is not you it is them. Since I joined this forum, I have picked my sorry backside off a FOBT machine and joined the real world again. I work with lovely people with anxiety that cripples them everyday of every week. You do what is best for you, and set your own pace. No one knows what goes on, when we log in, log off these forums and I do wonder sometimes of how people really are...

Anyhows....I just wanted to pay you a call, and I will be off now.....

P.s when I worked in the bank in Dublin, there used to be C*****e available on our 'dinner' to keep us 'alive'...I remember it well...

Thanks for your post. I have to take responsibility for my behaviour and loss of temper and dislike to certain individuals which regardless of what was said last night I do not mention in every post on my diary. Like I said, I do have a bit of a temper but it is easy for others to anonymously put you down online in my view. Anyway, another day. Phil

Adversity comes in many forms as I mentioned in the chat room last night. However, life will go on, I do not feel "helpless", I do not feel I have a "void" to fill by gambling. I feel my wife and I will support each other and hopefully our dream will come true. Today is sunny and I hope with all my measures in place it will be bet-free. All the best, Phil.

A very tough week my friends but I had support in the chatroom and my wife and I are working our way through what happened. Good people on this forum. Thanks, Phil.

Hi friends. One thing that occured to me today was that if I had family members or friends who had bailed me out of my gambling debts it would have been very bad. I know a year ago I would have just taken it for granted. I'm not saying I would have asked again if I had continued to gamble but I HAVE to take responsibility for the debts/loans etc. I accumulated. I had got myself into debt through gambling - maybe not as much as some but it is all relative. I have to pay it back through my debt management plan which will take another 9 months. I have emphasied that in my VIEW as always the money is a part of a bigger picture but we are not children - we have to take responsibility for the financial hole we got ourselves in. I mean this in the best way - Stepchange etc. You can work out a manageable monthly plan - it is working for me and others and gives you some peace of mind even if initially it is a bitter pill to swallow. Anyway, end of money diary entry post and all the best, Phil.