diary milk

Gonzo

Welcome to the forum, a place where you will find a wealth of help and support and some amazing advice to help build your resolve in your quest to live a life without gambling dominating it's existence.

You have to put those losses behind you, one things for sure you won't win them back, just add to them.

Through abstinence you do actually win, ironic I know.

My advice the same I was gifted on my first days recovery

There is a triangle. Time - money - location

Take one away at all times and the punt becomes impossible

You gift yourself the opportunity to re wire your addled brain

Our mantra the same whilst gambling

I cannot win because I cannot stop.

Well today fella that changes

You did win because you did stop.

Self exclude, get some blocking software( I believe it is available for free, I never gambled online myself) put your funds in a savings account all these things will gift

you time to think.

Ultimately the choice is yours, each day we all have a choice to make.

I hope to be honoured to be able to read you continued success.

To abstain and maintain.

I would wish you good luck, but feel we used any we had up a long time ago.

Today life is about an educated choice.

Mine like yours No bet today.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

thatnks dunc for your support and advice,

so true what you say, i especially like the "I cannot win coz i cannot stop" that sums up my gambling to a tee.

each session i have, i either lose straight away, or more commonly, i have a few wins to start with, i use the doubling up system most of the time, or the more accurate, chasing loses, in the hope 1 bet out of 4 or 5 will win and ill be in profit. the obvious flaw in that system is that i will continue to gamble until i lose! the odds are just waiting for me to trip up and it has always always happened!

but still i dont learn and after the pain of losing has blown over, i start afresh with new hopes, writing it down makes me realise just how dumb i have been.

anyway todays entry;

day 2;

woke up and still feel awful and stupid and angry with myself, went for a few appointments, my mind not very focused tho and at every opportunity, im thinking of how to win this years loses back.

i try to be strong and rationale and tell myself what will definitely happen if i gamble again, i will gamble until i lose, simple as that!

i tried to keep busy today, but my life after being ravaged by this locust of an addiction has left me with a very low yield with regards to a social life or any other interests.

thing is, i have absolutely no spare money now, i have been single since may and thoughts of joining a dating site are now quickly banished as i simply cannot afford the joining fee and if i did find a girl, how will i ever be able to court her?

what girl would want a guy with no money?

the other thing bothering me, is that im meant to be going on holiday in india in march to visit some friends, again, i cannot afford this trip, it will cost about 3k with flights , hotels, etc etc.

i have to tell them i cannot go, i feel embarrased and feel i have let them down.

ive never been this low before, ive always managed to keep some money and now with just enough to pay the neccesary bills and a bit of food, my life is an existance, no more.

overall, im feeling low, depressed, hopeless,

and i have to acknowledge that it is gambling and my lack of restraint that has landed me here.

to qoute some old poets words;

"If i could cry then i would, but the tears would never stop,

If i could laugh, then i would, but ships dont sail in dried up docks"

Hi Gonzo,

You will find plenty of people on here who have found gambling to be an affair that lasted for years and more, and in our own way each one of us is trying to fight our way through and to start taking those steps towards becoming free from gambling.

It isn't easy, and as many of us can attest there are plenty of slippery slopes along the way. It isn't about making a decision that will last you for five or ten years, for me certainly its about making the right choice every day. Each day without gambling is another little win. I know its hard not to obsess about how much has been lost or what you could have done, but we can't change the past. We can only make better decisions for the future, and build towards that future we want.

All the best

Ryan

Welcome gonzo,

you are feeling what I was feeling on Tuesday an believe me it is hard at the time but gets easier. I have gambled since I was 18 an it's all I ever spent my money on? I have tried too stop so many times an started again with that dreaded first bet again. I said in Tuesday I have too stop for good I can't live like this any longer. I was scaring myself with my gambling an there was no end too my loses. Once you have a gambling problem you can't stop until you have nothing as there is no end too your addiction. You have too 100 percent admit an commit too yourself about your problem an accept that you can't gamble at any cost as it's not how much you lose it's about that first bet cause no matter how much money you have when you have a gambling problem you are willing too lose all that money. Good luck keep posting stay strong an keep busy.

thanks ryan and allie for your posts, its really good to hear from people and recieve help and advice,

agree with that point allie, about as gamblers we must not start at all, not even one freebet or whatever promotion is offered, i fell into this trap a week ago and im regretting it ever since, especially as the new year was meant to be my new start and i feel bad that ive recked it already, this is the forefront thinking of justifying gambling right now, i want to put the year right, but when i probe deeper into these thoughts, i realise it's just another way of justifying gambling, my last bet was on a footie match which ended approx 23;00 on 8th jan.

DAY 3,

feeling lousy again today, regret and sore and sorry for myself, have been so so tempted to gamble on the saturday footie, but managed to avoid it and even go a step further and opened a few minor bookies (done the major ones already) accounts just to self exclude from them, a couple didnt like what i had done and followed it up with a stern email threatening to charge me an admin fee if i ever did it again ! what a lovely and understanding people they are!

i think im up to date with self excluding on the net.

it has been a pretty low day today, feels like finishing a long term relationship, the feeling of loss, regret, hopelessness, and keep looking back with rose tinted specs at the good times.

i also told my friends i will not be going to india, there is a girl i was meant to meet there and we have been talking for a while, she was annoyed with me that im not going and has got in a mood and now isnt speaking to me, im not that worried to be honest however as i know long distance relationships are very difficult, and besides i dont have strong feelings for someone ive never met in person.

Im also very worried about my future, i dont earn a lot of money and without a new business strategy or a complete change in career, i never will. i seem to have lost all belief that working hard will make me rich, coz that simply isnt true.maybe these thoughts are just born out of the gambling, the falacy that money can be made without sweat and blood. i know when ive had a win i get a strong desire to not graft again, but then i forget the loss of money and hardships that will ALWAYS accompany gambling.

again, feelings of existing and not living are prominant.

i feel im sliding into a depression, lack of motivation and looking on the down side .

hope things will improve in time.

.

Hey gonzo well done on making Day 3 keep up the good work. I am currently day 5 and know all to well of the lousy feeling, regret, low mood, thoughts of gambling, lies... the list goes on.

i know and i am sure you do that as time goes on and the days of abstinance accumulate those thoughts start to diminish. we are both a long way away but we have made the start which is the biggest hurdle.

keep up the good work

Day 4:

another long and slow day, had a lot of things i meant to do today, but just could not find the motivation to get going, I then tried to wash the car thinking it is a simple and rewarding task but i became fed up half way through, so the car sits outside half washed!

I am not eating properly either due to this lack of motivation, only snacking on unhealthy stuff.

It really feels like the end of the world has happened, Ive lost everything and i cannot see anyway of getting back any sort of life for myself and it all seems so hopeless,i cannot help but constantly think back to two years ago when i had things were a lot better, and i feel like i had a good-ish life but ive just chucked it all away and now am worrying how to pay day to day bills, regret, regret and more regret.

when i do feel a little more positive, i start to think that although things are bad, they will only be worse if i gamble, this is true.

and that abstinance will make things better in time.

i guess its about accepting the damage i have done and beginning to move on and start anew, analogous to coming out of a losing battle, pick up the pieces, forget pride and start to rebuild.

"time really is a great healer, now my heart is in your hands of time"

Gonzo

Fella, don't beat yourself up too much.

What is done is done. Surely the big issue is to not add to the carnage.

For twenty years I went at it, yes the losses at the end far outweighed the ones at the beginning.

Nearly two years on with one unforgivable three hour betting episode I am far better off than I ever have been in my adult life.

I think the fact that you write that two years ago your life was a great deal better. Think to two years on.

How good things will be.

My friend be proud that you are making that choice.

It will reward you.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks dunc for your support, and it makes me think back to each attempt ive had at gambling, i lost more than id ever lost and felt awful and so thought i could not make things any worse, but of course YES, i did, continuing to gamble has always ended up making a bad situation a lot lot worse! why wont i ever learn this though?

DAY 5.

well today, i woke up and felt really ill, headache, dizziness, just exhausted, i think its just stress related but i will go and get a check up from the quack when i get round to it, because of this illness, i stayed in a fell asleep on the couch, a few hours sleep later and a nutritional frozen pizza revived me, and i then took the dog for a walk and finished washing the car.

i went to work at 2 pm, and started to get into it a little, although forcing myself greatly, i did have times of enthusiasm. (im self employed, but even this fails to inspire me).

i called it a day at 5pm, and after a food break and writing this diary, i will attempt to catch up with some much belated paperwork.

havent had too many strong gambling thoughts today, but to say none would be a lie,this i know is greatly due to me being ill for the morning.

i have however continued to have regretful thoughts, and again, the amount of money i have just washed away, god i feel so bad and so very stupid, what a complete prat i am!

positevely tho, it has now been a few days away from it and i hope my finances will cure a little in time as too will my mind.

keep trying to tell myself that gambling . although might initially alleviate the problem, will definitely make things worse at the end!

always has and always will, that is the nature of the beast.

"The siren with the sweetest voice does carry the sharpest spear"

day 6.

the day wasn't too bad, was on the go from 8am till 5.30, am still miles behind at work and need to do a lot more work to catch up and get back on track.

thoughts of regret plagued me throughout the day, all the money i have lost, losing my girl and our baby hurts me more each day, i wonder if things would've been different if i had stopped gambling a year ago, my ex did never know of the gambling, i hid it very well, but she must've suspected something was wrong from my terrible moods when losing, i always passed it off as stress from work, god knows work has also been a money pit, investing time and money in a project with no guaranteed return.

she did accuse me of having an affair and in a way she was right, my affair with gambling was secretive, time consuming, a den of lies and ultimately destructive to our relationship.

I cannot honestly see thing getting any better, i cannot see the point of stopping gambling now, now that i have lost everything, i can only gamble with small amounts now, but what have i got left to lose?

closing the stable door after the horse has bolted springs to mind,

whats the point of anything anymore?

my life is ruined.

Hi Gonzo, well done for making it to day 6. The first few days are hard, I will know as I have been here on a few occasions. I have debts over 20k from gambling and I used to try and think betting that last small amount may turn into something huge and solve all the problems. It won't.

I know you may be short on cash and so am I, having to pay £300 out of my wages every month to pay back my debt, but I have made it to day 14 by planning ahead and working out pinch points so that I wont have to gamble to get myself to the next pay day and accept that at times I will be in my overdraft but by staying away from gambling for even 2 or 3 months I can actually have some freedom with my money to do the things I love like taking a trip away or treating myself to some new clothes...

Keep strong and always look to a future without this horrible disease, you will feel healthier have more free time and that I'm sure will help in your work life balance.

All the best.

Gonzo

Fella we are all accountable for our actions, at some point in our lives they do catch up with us.

you are doing something amazing in facing up to the fact that addiction, a compulsion is the contending factor in what has caused the damage in your life.

For that is something to build on, solid foundations, if you choose to carry on punting, what will the outcome be??

More misery, temporary relief at best.

Believe in your self. make yourself proud of you again, the rest will follow.

bottom lione is the choice is ours.

Duncs stepping forward never back.