FIrstly thanks to Mixer for pointing me in this direction, I read and joined his Guru Challenge and he linked me to a really informative thread of his. I have read the thread and taken as much in as possible and I firmly believe a daily record of my feelings and where I am up to in my recovery will be helpful.
I have titled this discovering my old self day by day. My old self is what I define as me as a person before I was a problem gambler. The old me pre gambling addiction was a 14/15 year old me, so well over 20 years as a problem gambler! I can't ever right my wrongs or take away all the awful places my gambling addiction has taken me to, but if I can reach a similar state of mind to the one I had as a young teenager then life will be a lot more rewarding and profitable. Back then I had savings, I had money in my pocket, I had friends, I had a social life, I had new clothes, I had a care free mind, I got far more from life. Gambling has taken all this away from me. Over 20 years of blowing all my wages on payday in a betting shop or online sportsbooks. The rare days I left at 9.30pm with some money in my wallet I would be back the next day to lose it all.
I have been well aware of my problem for many years and trying hard to beat this, but no matter how hard I try I always slip up, the lure of money on a pay day has on so many occasions dragged me back into a betting shop or on a mission to find a new sportsbook that I'm not excluded from. I was close to giving up on giving up, but I owe it to myself to keep fighting and find a way out of this dark hole.
So here I am, I have found this site and hopefully it can be an additional help to the things I have put in place. I have very recently joined gamstop to prevent me finding new sportsbooks to gamble on, I am self excluded from all bookmakers within an hours drive from home, I attend GA once a week, my partner monitors my finances and I now try to avoid watching or reading anything gambling related (especially horse racing related).
My last bet was 11 days ago, I was glued to an online account whilst hoping my partner would take the kids out so I could concentrate more and also put the racing on telly. Most of the time I'm a good dad and family man, but not when I'm in gambling mode and I'm ashamed of the times I have wished my family were out for the day to allow me to properly gamble or the days out where I have not been paying attention to them because I have been busy gambling on my phone. I can't change the past, but I can change the future and one day at a time I really must make a difference. I have tried hard to put additional steps in place and I need to put more effort into this fight and keeping myself on the straight and narrow.
Day 12 has passed by without any gambling thoughts. A 12 hour shift in work has kept me busy today. I used to gamble on my phone in work but a multitude of self exclusions from as many sportsbooks as possible as well as recently signing up to GamStop helps to see me safe when I'm working. This World Cup is also really enjoyable, I was worried it may bring lots of gambling related thoughts, but so far I have just really enjoyed the football for what it is.
I'm going to keep it short tonight as a shift in work really takes it out of me but another gamble free day is another step in the right direction and I actually have a small amount of money left from last weeks wages which is unheard of lately. Big pat on the back for me today and more of the same tomorrow.
Not long home from another long and exhausting day in work. I'm going to keep this short as I'm mentallly and physically exhausted. I've had no bad thoughts today and I go into tomorrows payday in a good frame of mind. I won't have any opportunities to gamble tomorrow, the time triangle is taken away so it should be another good day. I'm now going to try and stay awake for the second half of the football, it is so much better watching it without placing a bet on it.
The end of day 14 is nearly here. Two weeks ago I had spent a mad Friday gambling away all day online. Two weeks later I’ve joined Gamstop, put more blocks in place and I’m enjoying life a lot more. I woke this morning and immediately paid off a few debts, and it actually felt good. The debts will take some time to clear but I felt like I was finally doing the right thing. I can chip away at them as this journey progresses, but the most important thing of all is staying bet free a day at a time as that is the medicine that will make life a whole better place. Feeling good, feeling positive, glad I found this place.
Good to see you are feeling better and well done on 2 weeks GF.
Be aware that its not a steady smooth curve to feeling better/like you are moving forwards. There will be hard days where things might get ontop of you but grind them out and life really does change massively for the better. Keep posting as and when you feel you need to and don't be afraid to be honest. This is the place to let it out.
Have a good weekend!
All the best.
Thanks for the supportive post sjw, the hard days scare me, so I have to enjoy the good days and find a way to deal with the hard days when they do arrive.
Its day 16 and I have just watched England hammer Panama, really can't wait to see how we go on Thursday and then in the second round. Life has more meaning when I'm not spending most of it thinking of my next bet or how to get my next bet on. Tomorrow I'm signing up to a local gym which will give me something extra to do in my free time. Its also great not to be worrying about how much is in my bank or avoiding phone calls. Its early days but the progress is clear to see and I must continue!
Day 18 is here and I’m off work till Friday and very busy so that time triangle is broken, no chances for me to gamble! This is how I need to keep living, keep working hard on breaking that triangle of gambling. In such a short amount of time my finances are so much better and that’s just one plus of not gambling. Got to keep up the fight, it brings much better results than slipping back to my old ways!
Day 19 and no gambling related thoughts to mention. I would often start to think about a Friday payday and it’s gambling opportunities on a Wednesday but I’m feeling so much stronger and more positive about things right now. It’s especily helping me to block out all knowledge of what horse race meetings are on day to day. One thing I do struggle with is sometimes I’m watching a football match and my mind wanders and thinks I wonder what the odds are, not because I want to put a bet on but I think just because the old me spent so much time doing inplay football betting. Anyway most importantly I’m still gamble free and I shall continue the fight!
21 days without a bet feels good to type! Joining Gamstop has been a huge help as it’s stopped me getting bored and looking for new sportsbooks that I’m not excluded from. It’s another payday today for me to tick off gamble free and my bank account looks so much better in such a quick time. This recovery simply has to continue, I deserve this as do my family. I must keep up the fight and make sure that first bet is as far away from me and inaccessible as possible.
Hi Whereismymind, well done on 21 days. Good stuff and keep going. GamStop has also helped me massively and I don’t even bother to try and find an online site....for me that is the sign that I was finally ready to give up this horrible addiction. Have a great GF weekend.
Day 23 and talk of World Cup betting and wins in work has I have to admit made my mind go to places I don’t want to be. Fortunately I’m still in control, I know what will happen if I gamble, I know that no win will ever be big enough to make me stop and I also know I will lose more money than I can afford and destroy all my good work. Got to keep enjoying this word cup for the great football on offer and not let a bet spoil my enjoyment of the game. The triangle remains broken and I need to keep it this way.
Thanks for the advice and helpfull tips in the above i have been betting on and off for the last 17 years. Havent placed a bet for 3days. But getting urges but so far staying strong for my family. Got to the stage im doing awfull things to people in order to bet. It has taken over my life and need to find a way to get it out of my life for good. Can relate to all different times i have done the same as above. But this time nearly lost my home, family and friends. I must stay strong one day at a time as this is a horrible diease we have got.
Thanks for the post Dickie, maybe you could start your own diary? I would recommend the guru challenge on here, it is a helpful group.
So here I am day 25, woke to more bills to pay. In the past I would panic and think I need to win some money to pay those bills. This would usually end with me being even more skint and with the bills outstanding. Today I woke, saw the bills, groaned to myself and then paid them. These are a reminder of what gambling did to me, the aftermath of gambling. But if I keep heading in the right direction they will eventually get paid and all my money will be mine. No loans, no gambling, a clear mind, wow that sounds good doesn’t it! Got to keep plodding on, certainly won’t be placing any bets today.
Just a quick post to say that it's now the end of day 27 and I'm still going strong! To be on the eve of payday and have money left from last weeks pay is fantastic. Got to keep working hard to make the right choices day by day.
Congratulations WhereIsMyMind! I am in the process of understanidng myself at this time. Been praying for discernment and last night I realized that I have no one to blame but myself. I am sorting out my personal issues, like yourself I panic when bills arrive and hoping to earn extra (which doesn't happen at all). I hope life will give me another chance.
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