Dormant

tax payment plan in place is good. I don't understand your email hint. I've emailed forum admin two days ago... not heard anything yet. Will wait a bit more.

Just poping by and hoping all is sorting itself out in your end of the world.

Hi Paul

In recovery they encourage us to ' practice opposties' meaning if you tend to isolate when in a funk you are wise to keep connected...

Recovery being as much about quitting familiar habits as much as quitting the vices themselves.

Xxx

Hope all has been good with ya lately and thing going your way. Wishing ya a stressless weekend.

Paul's! When did you become Volcano? It took a bit of finding you, but I got to you! I have no idea how you are doing, but I hope you're ok? Keep fighting those battles, you are a decent person. Russ

Hai good to hear from you Russ and things are going good. Thankyou to anyone for support when none returned.

Hello Diary....

Taken a sickie today, a text followed by the usual paranoia and guilt.

Completely listless with the added ingredient of poor, poor me. Awaiting for a magic wand or the fairies to come to the rescue but knows its never going to happen. Have a Dr's appointment this avo, really need to talk to some one in how I feel and the thoughts that swirl round this mug. Not opening up and surpressing my negative thoughts a deluded way of denial or bravado.

Tired of being me and so f*****g miserable with zero energy to do any thing about it. Thinking about the 'darkest before the dawn' but the poor me syndrome finds it hard to believe there's any dawn. In and out of bed with zero energy yet only sleeping in rare snatches.

Worried about my job, my key to any future. I isolate or push to keep people away. A form of deluded bravado as dont want anyone to not see this dark, humourless side of me.

I know now theres more to this recovery than just abstaining. Maybe im not ready for recovery, maybe I need to find a lower plane that what im already on to start working on me. I really don't like the anger that bubbles away or non existence of my life. Do feel like hiding under a big rock.

Think too much about the inevitable, hoping these irrational thought are the threshold of some dawn. Too much wishing about things I shouldn't be, knowing there will be regret if I got my wish.

Gave up on my addiction counsellor like I give up on most things. But I know I cant do it alone. Becoming to reclusive but I really don't know any other way.

This is how I feel ___________________

Now the guilt of dumping my misery on here....

Nothing to feel guilty about and can relate to the isolation stuff myself. Pretty much cut myself off from everything now for the last few years. Well since all went horse sh-it with my kids any way. Had a 4 day weekend for thanksgiving and spent it here alone hiding under that rock. LOL gambled of course but did manage to get in that hair cut. Sh-it didn't get at any house cleaning and do the night shift so still got some time to get it in. Wrote my boy a letter that I guess I won't send or redo it. LOL yeah had a few drinks while writing that one and tend to go off on things he really don't need to hear I guess. Seems like a effort to redo so probably be hitting the trash. LOL so yeah hanging with ya in that zero effort zone.___________

Hi Volcano,

I am glad you come to dump some toxins on here. Looking for words to tell you. Finding it hard, but can say i do relate to your feelings a lot.

Not long ago i start opening my eyes a bit more. Not long ago start holding of the tread which is life and pushing darkest thoughts away.reasoning with myself to be or not to be..

We have a right to give it a shot. It's cr** its wrong, it's scary but we are worth a happier place in this world. Only you can do it my friend, you within yourself.

Changes are possible and it starts within you.

Stay close to the diaries, keep dumping, and a little smile might come on the way, and then another one...getting back on a train of life is a challenge but you my friend are a real fighter and can do it.

Anything is possible

Please look after yourself and have some peace with your mind

(((( V ))))

P.s.sorry it it don't make much sense..i do care about you, i put what i think and what helped me in my own recovery so far.

S x

Well in AA they say "pour me,pour me ,pour me another"

I know you won't go to meetings and you have jettisoned your counsellor ....I guess you are right and are not in enough pain yet V .

I can't imagine the green stuff is helping with ___________ as it's a suppressant keeping your head under water.

I wish for you a speedy rockbottom as that's the only way the dawn will appear and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

R and D..xx.. Ps ..Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes..

As always thankyou.

Finally getting the no pain part!!

Maybe this is my rock bottom. A starting point

I lay my head low as an addict but i'll find the dawn of recovery.

Suggestion - Baby steps... just pick one thing... one little thing today... to either do differently or think about differently or try differently ... today.. then again tomorrow......

TY Carla, baby stepping forward....

Hello again Diary.

3yrs since I thought id hit the rock bottom from gambling and finding my way to this forum. First couple of years, found my self in a decent place, neither dwelling on the past or future. Then slowly the old traits which id though I had banished, slowly returned. Still abstained from gambling.

Thought just by abstaining and building bank balance up was enough, wasn't expecting the 'fall out' from 25odd years of a compulsive gambler.

Slowly started to move back into the old mind set of a gambler and started seeking other highs but with out the gambling. I wasn't the facing the truth or working the recovery. Adictions affects so much, yet I thought after a period of cold turkey, normality would just return and id find my way back to society, how wrong I was!!

A return of Grandiose and toxic shame, staying within reach of other lost souls. The unawareness in the foe of denial. 20 odd years of emotional avoidance, only for all the emotions and familiar traits to resurface. Never worked it, got cocky!!

Ive always avoided asking for outside help. Yet all I hear is poor, poor me to any poor soul who'll listen. The sad act of an addict trying to keep others under there sad control.

Im on my 2nd day of a'd''s. Have always fought going down that route and letting the blues go naturally. This times harder, i'm seeing the person addictions have made me. Ditched the last counsellor more due to cost and yes a little denial but now sought therapy from the GP, not sure whether I can make it suit my work but do need something.

The cloud of depression I need to shift and fight for recovery. I'm human, a man with a heart, need to believe again.

Sorry for the doom.

No doob, drink or gambling. My 1st baby steps

Hi V

That's a baby step in the right direction....antidepressants will have a stabilising effect and do work that is for sure but can take few weeks to get into the system.

Here comes the preachy bit....just remember depending on what they have given you if you use them with alcohol or doob they can counteract the effect or duplicate the effect...

The ex was on Citralopram, plus diazepam plus on average cans of carling a night plus betting. 🙁 a cocktail of uppers and downers and f*****g insane .

Be careful as you need your wits about you in the work you do...

Sermon over...

R and D xx..

Hi Volcano... am nodding along when reading your thoughts. I relate to what you say. If only it was as easy as simply stopping are drugs of choice (of which gambling is by far the worst in my opinion)... but as you say, its not. Life is not easy, it is hard, but we carry on living life regardless whether we like it or not.

Sometimes I dream of a eureka moment when a key part of life's puzzle suddenly falls into place, but it never happens, but ya never know.

Take care... S.A 🙂

Yeah guess I've been at this battle for so many years I lost track at where I'm at in it all really. Hell guess at this point don't know if I'm putting up a good fight or tossing in the sword. LOL just numb to it all really.

Keep pushing forward cause you don't seem to lost to me and them baby steps are getting ya there.