Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi LB,

Feeling ok is good positive thinking.:)))

Well done, keep strong

Suzanne xxx

A person is vulnerable to addiction when that person feels a lack of satisfaction in life, an absence of intimacy, of strong connections to other people, a lack of self confidence, compelling interests or loss of hope.

Addiction makes the painful tolerable & the ordinaryness of life worth living through.

Addiction is an emotional anaeshetic. A solution against a feeling of emptyness, boredom, selfloathing, helplessness. A stress reliever. An attempt to escape distress.

These words of wisdom were part of a longer entry posted by Dan. They resonated with me on a very deep level when I read them.

When I think about my recent gambling after a good run of GF days, I think this touches on the reasons why. After the first few difficult weeks of giving up had passed I was in a kind of non gambling euphoria for a while, full of steely detemination and pride in myself. Keeping myself busy, booking courses and starting new interests. Yet after a while, this wore off and life slowly went back to normal. Stopping gambling didn't have me waking up each day bursting with enthusiam, it hasn't left me overjoyed at my new life and there's been a distinct lack of skipping through the daisy fields. Life without gambling...."the solution against a feeeling of emptiness,boredom, self-loathing, helplessness" was just as it always was...boring and empty.

It seems terrible to write that. On the face of things, I have everything I could want and should feel grateful, not bored and empty. But the truth is I'm bored and I have been for years.It's hard for me to admit that. I wouldn't say it to anyone. How can I complain when loads of people would love to have the life I have? "You should be ashamed girl....you've got nothing to complain about. Pull up your big girl pants and get on with"

It's a long day when you're on your own. I think I should look at getting a job. In truth, I regret not continuing to work after having my kids and feel that I've been out of the workplace for so long, that I don't know where I'd start. I've had a few part time jobs and I've done voluntary work, but all of those have been working with children. And it's just dawned on me that I don't really like working with children!! They're lovely and all (everyone says I'm really good with them) but in all honesty, they're a bit boring:) I need adult company and something to stretch this mind of mine, which feels as though it's shrunk to the size of an acorn. I want coffee breaks and a works christmas do. I want to do something contructive with my time and interact with people. Home life does mean that I wouldn't have many days free to work, but I might have a look and see if there's anything out there.

Ok, I'm off to scan the job sites!

LifeBegins x

Hi LB

Really glad your challenging yourself and keeping an open mind. Keep the GF trend. Tri x

Hi LB

Please don't worry ok. Believe me or not worrying about others esp strangers doesn't do us good :-(...u don't have to be mean tho lol, just don't worry too much.)

I am ok. My tablet had a flying lesson..guess what, wall needs plastering and b**** thing is still working as I'm able to type!

I'm sorry, I have a lot of anger in myself, but would never show it to the outside world. I am stressed out mainly about money now. f**k,,, I absolutely hate spending on myself but I have no choice since phone gone t***s up and my hair needed a cut plus all the fancy c*** also :-(....I guess you think, WOW ..crazy psycho here, yup,,, I forgive you for those thoughts ;-). I am tired indeed. Depressed and unmotivated plus coming festive season sends my mind below hell....I never cope well during that time.

I rang parents, I knew talking to Dad will mk me fee l better. Soon after I went for a run (I also know this makes me feel better), why on hell I am so stubborn to do things what makes me feel better??!. I am getting ready to see Sister also. Hopefully that will mk me feel better too ;-),

Thank you once again, but please, lets make a deal - no worrying ok!

I like your attitude re yourself. Keep looking for things to occupy yourself girl, it will help or so they say....I am to find out myself soon.

Stay safe, keep breathing - believing

S x

Hi LB,

Thank you so much for yesterday. Didn't really fancied taking ya on that horrible wave but hey...I guess ya just happen to surf it with me.
Am feeling better today, still tired but finally I slept better than before and ready to tackle my day (night I should say).
I hope you also feel better!

..hmm. .cauliflowers huh...you do call me psycho really cause telling me to smash it in the dark lol. Neighbours are fine, that's for sure...they are the ones to keep da neighbourhood entertained if I say so☺ lol

I used to let my anger out in a field..yup...run somewhere in the middle of nowhere and scream my head off! ..told that to my counsellor and she suggested to me to go to the library :-/ more on socialising purposes bless her...but if you knew me..I'm not a library person at all 🙁 ..not sure if it's good or bad! It's just too quiet for this character I guess (not if I keep shouting & screaming in public :-D)

Take care girl..thanks again. One lite step forward yeah. ...you will get there

S x

So glad to see you safe and well S. Think we're getting a bit better at staying on our surfboards 🙂

Had a really productive day yesterday...getting loads of jobs done that I've been putting off for ages. Hoping for another one today.

Bit of a close shave with the G monster last night. Watching TV and an advert for an online site that I'd not heard of before set off a Pavlovian response in my brain. Without giving myself any time to think ( and therefore resist) I reached for my phone and joined up. It had all my favourite games so ( and this is shameful) I felt excited to be on there. But....I'd forgotten that I've shredded my bank card so I couldn't deposit. Felt really rattled and frustrated, but it only lasted seconds and then a wave of relief hit me. Closed the account straight away and thanked the universe for helping me out ( actually, it was the advice and support from this site, but the universe still took the credit). So glad I don't have access to my money.

Meeting friends for a walk in a while,which I'm looking forward to. No gambling today....you won't win Mr. G so you might as well give up trying.

LifeBegins x

As the saying goes on here lol, keep that triangle permantly broken, and it is impossible to play lol, no matter how much we inwardly rant and rage ;)))

Well done you.

Suzanne xxx

Hi LifeBegins , Sorry for the confusion , I meant it for lb1211 and it wasn't intended for you , apologies for the confusion , I was merely refering to previous posts !..

Regards Alan

Hi Me again , Thanks for the kind words LB, I'm sure its my old age ! I get confused very easily these days my dear ????.

Someone really shouldnt have taken anothers identity and just added a few numbers , should they ? . I'm sure copyright should apply on here ?. Lol

All the best Alan

Post or not to post was my question today...since i had a proper rant this morning i best show my face a little more lol

You keep popping in my mind and not sure why....maybe cause you are on very very similar page as my life :-/

I meant..new life ☺...

Hope all is good with you Mrs Galaxy! One step at a time right ...keep posting...besides if ya ever want to touch the base i have few threads scattered all over the site lol (rebel me)...just keep connected if you feel like it.me is no danger to society...just struggling with this gob when thoughs barging out lol..work in progress to control it indeed.

Recovery is possible....look at those scattered diaries with proof written all over them ☺

Step at a time LB....make it REAL

S x

So, back at the start again. I really wanted to be one of the people on here who just stop and stay stopped. Seems I'm not one of them 🙁

I'm sick to death of trying to work out why I do it. There just doesn't seem to be a logical answer. I feel as though I've explored evry nook and cranny of this brain of mine. I know what bought me to gambling....grief, sadness and loss. Those same feelings kept me immersed in it for so long. Yet, I truely feel as though I've moved on from those feelings. They're not totally gone, but they don't feel raw and overwhelming any more. I feel happy, stable and relatively contented with my life. I haven't been under any major stress (well, maybe a bit of stress and anxiety, but I dealt with it ok). And yet, I still let it back in.

So what is it that makes me do it? Honestly, it just felt like I wanted to. It wasn't about winning money or recouping losses.It wasn't about numbing out or relieving stress. It was simply and totally about wanting to feel that rush and excitement of getting the feature. Those three scatters that would give me free spins. And for each session that I didn't get them, the need increased to go back again until I did get them. Of course, once I got them I wanted them again..and again.Over and over until all my money was gone. That was the only thing that stopped me. £1100 down and yet there's still a part of my brain that wants to get the f*****g feature. I'm like one of the rats in a skinner box. A classic case of intermittent reinforcement....pressing the lever over and over never knowing when the reward will come.Pressing more and more frantically thinking it has to come soon. The rat will continue pressing until the substance kills it. It doesn't have insight, it doesn't have the capability to understand or the logic to help it make good decisions. But I do...and yet, here I am.

I read recently about "dry drunks". People who give up alcohol, but who still want to drink.I don't want to be a dry non-gambler. I want to stop wanting to gamble. It's not even that I want to stop losing. Losing doesn't even really bother me any more. I so desperately want to get away from wanting that buzz that comes with it. It's madness....I can't understand it. I just don't know how to get away from it. I don't want to always be one click of the mouse away from it. I want to turn back time to the days when I had never ever felt it. The days when I would never have considered gambling. I spent the first 39 years of my life without ever placing a bet. I lived without the "excitement" of it then. Why can't I do it now?

I've read about accepting that I'm powerless over it. I have no problem accepting that. I am under no illusion that I'm powerless over it...that it has full control. But it isn't an "it" is it? It's not the devil on my shoulder or Mr. G or even "that Bastrd". It's not something other....it's not a seperate entity. It's me. It's my own mind. I'm doing it to myself. And I don't know how to stop.

LifeBegins x

Hi lb
Sorry for the problem your facing.
But that's a great self reflective post.
You're right the gambling fiend is you. Its your brain crying out for that dopamine rush - the brain not quite evolved enough to know always what's best. The pull gets more powerful the more we are disconnected from life.
Do you have values? Sure you do - what are they? Can you work towards them by setting goals? You've done a lot of self evaluation-thats important. Can you now take action - we can't 'think' our way to recovery. Can you reconnect with what's important in your life? (I don't mean religion btw )
Best
Louis

Hi lb , i'ts happened , you know how , just not why ?.

As cardhue said " it's the rush , life just plodd's along doing what it does best , thowing a few interesting situations along the way but thats not enough for us !.

Sometimes we need that extra kick and the way our minds have been moulded by year's of gambling , thats the only thing that will give you that kick !.

I don't pretend to understand the working's of our sometimes unrational mind ? , I only hope that at some point and with time , we no longer need that particular fix ?.

Keep your chin up and best wishes for now ...................................Alan

Hey LB

​You quoted part of a post I wrote a few weeks back. Realization of what drives addiction doesn't guarantee freedom from it. What it does do though is put you in a position of choice.I personally believe addiction has very little to do with a rush & if the only way you can find enjoyment or excitement is through the spinning of a reel, then that should tell you everything you need to know about what needs to change. I think you know all this. So, how to find the ongoing motivation for change? To keep moving forward when you feel comfortable where you are? Purpose. Without purpose life has no meaning. As Louis said what are your cote values. What matters to you. Not what you think they should be or what others would approve of. But what is at your true self. If it is a desire to gamble then so be it, knock yourself out, no ones stopping you. But I think you maybe have more to offer than just that. If you have lost or never even found what means something to you, then go bloody find it. There is nothing to fear in looking, perhaps you will find it somewhere you have never wanted to look before. x

​

Hello Mrs "naughty",

Joining you on those thoughts as had "unexpected" visit to nasty place myself.
Interesting what you say. The need of the buzz. Trying to recall the events two days ago...feeling pretty c**P health wise, going bk up to bed dismissing the good thoughts of a calming run (at least walk)...talking with Sesuo for a few minutes & then just bam! "30 quid won't hurt will it?"...it took spare second to wipe clean my 4 months of hard work (i say hard cause it was) and "old" Sandra was here having none of the wise thoughts about recovery!
30 quid didn't stop here so definitely I'm not a moderation princess (or shall i say Queen lol..I'm 30 now :-D)
However...anger kept building up and those "features/bonuses you mention became my intention of carrying on :-/...i remember sister & lil lovely boy coming round for some dinner. (Me cooking..pha! I hardly managed to wash up after they left). I was angry having company...why? Because they were interupting my dirty "entertainment". How does it make me feel? Of course disgusted and i know i wasn't giving them full attention.
As soon as they left i got bk to it...drink after drink for the company. More money fed chasing the "features".
Nothing around me exists when I'm in that mindset & as i mentioned before my heart becomes stone...if look could kill :-/
I ended up withdrawing some poor addict's loss which just makes me feel sick to my stomach now cause prob some of that dirty money is urs too :-(. That's how i view it - dirty money! Don't bring happiness...just more mess in already foo**ked up head :-/

My thoughts yesterday & today (that's after fighting more bigger urges off)...let it go. Wipe addiction away, you have and NEED to aknowledge that your life has just started taking shape. Don't fear it, don't run away..live in a moment as Sis says..just be there and aknowledge that your presence here is for a reason. Escape...looking for buzz...plenty of buzz around us Hun if we choose to open our eyes to the place called LIFE...never perfect but not as painful as this addiction having the upper hand.

Sorry i closed my thread, you have nowhere to reply. I dont like one way converse but if you want let's keep talking on ur diary...or feel free to ask for my details from Juuunneee.

For now, stay safe. Will not be skipping along happy clappy with you lol, but this hand is extended to walk past those hurdles once more.

You can do it.

S x