Every Day Is A Second Chance

.

Thank you Louis, Alan and Dan. I really appreciate your views...more for me to think about and reflect on. I'm very "in my head" at the moment and I want to let what you've said slowly filter through.Stand out points though are " Can you take action now ? We can't think our way to recovery" and "without purpose life has no meaning.......if you have lost or never found what means something to you, then go bloody find it"

I need to think about these things. I know that the answer lies in there somewhere. I think that I may have known that for a long while. My initial response would be that family is the meaning in my life and everything revolves around that.It's my sole purpose...maybe I got lost somewhere along the way. Maybe I am afraid to look at it? I have my family. It's a good, strong, caring, loving family. I wouldn't want to change any of them. But I think that the tears that are flowing are telling me that that's not enough. Honestly, I don't know how to change it. I can't change a lot of it. Would I have done things differently years ago? Maybe. But I am where I am. Maybe I'm just not very grateful and can't see how fortunate I am to have what I have. I don't know. I really don't know.

Thanks again people. I appreciate it.

LifeBegins x

Sorry lovely Sandra....Just posted this and then saw your post. I'm literally running out of the door to pick up my daughter from school....I'll reply when I get back xx

Hi LB,

Sorry to read you were lured back in, but pleased to see you have been given some good advice and support:)))

It seems to me because you still had access to gambling, (your triangle and barriers not firmly tight ) you did leave a space open, you did not close the door, that it maybe have been in the back of your mind to have the odd dabble.but we cannot win because we cannot stop.

I really had to reach rock bottom before I closed all the doors and access to gambling, I had nothing left to give it, it broke my heart.

If you really want to stop, you will take all the necessary measurements to stop you from playing.

The addiction will progress if you don't committ 100% I know it's not easy but I don't want you to reach rock bottom, it affects us mentally, never mind physically, and financially,

You can do this for you, get back up and continue on the rollercoaster ride of recovery, Gambling just self destructs us, and our families in the end,

Walking along side with you

Take care and keep strong.

Suzanne xxx

Hey S, thank you for being there. I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you're doing. Well, now I know 🙁

Sorry to hear that you've been following me down the same path. I totally get where you're coming from...those wise thoughts of recovery get wiped away as soon as I start too. I hear what you're saying about letting it go...I really do. I know in theory that I could get the buzz from life itself, but I just don't seem to. It's hard to explain. I have lots to be grateful for. I really do have a good life, but it feels as though there's no oomph in it. For example...over the last few weeks we've had a series of good events. A weekend away in a lovely hotel, concert tickets to U2 and family staying for a long weekend with lots of laughs, card games and delicious food and drink. I enjoyed them all. Each one was good/nice/fun but none of them were exciting, none of them made me want to jump and down, none of them lit a fire. That's what I mean when I say a buzz. I just don't seem to get that feeling from anything else. Maybe I just haven't found the right things to do yet...I might have to look at jumping out of planes or abseilling down cliffs! I don't know. Perhapes I'm in the middle of a mid life crisis. All my get up and go, has got up and gone and I look around and think eh? What happened?

Keep dropping in. I miss your thread, but I'm happy to talk on mine if you're ok with that. Make sure you take your own advice. Stay strong.My hand is holding yours 🙂

LB x

Thanks Suzanne. You're right, of course, my triangle wasn't fully broken and it's true that somewhere lurking at the back of mind was the desire to do it again. To be honest, when I'm in that mindset there's little that will stop me.I can always work out some devious way around my barriers. Back in the really bad old days I went out an bought an i-pad to get around the gamblock:(

I like to think that with each episode I learn a bit more and move closer to putting an end to it. I spoke to my husband about it yesterday. He's long known that I've had a problem, but he thought it was in the past.The majority of our money (his money really as I'm not working) gets paid into our joint account but I have a monthly allowance to spend how I like. So I've asked him to stop paying in my monthy money to my account and he's agreed. I had been wanting to keep it going in to see it grow each month with the thought that I'd treat us to something lovely with it. Of course, that's all gone now.But I don't want that temptation there any more.

I don't want to reach rock bottom either and I really do take on board your comments. Barriers or no barriers, I have to learn not to continue to make the same mistakes. I'm still thinking about Dan and Louis questions....my head's been very preoccupied all day. I'll get there.

Back on board the merry go round. Thanks again.

LifeBegins x

Hey again :))

I know Hun, been there and read the book, :((, no way am I patronising )I know why you left it open, I did it to the bitter end.

Yes each relapse is a stage further to,recovery, I really hope your time is now, there is help out there and on here, but you have to want this more than anything else,

Pleased to see you back on the rollercoaster and more important coming across positive.

Take care

Suzanne xxx

Hi.

Soz for late reply, work keeping me preoccupied (savior for sure ).
Middle life crisis huh..well, all my late 20's feels like it already so i guess i know where you're coming from with the lack of "up & go" feeling.
Jumping out of the planes or climbing the walls is great buzz..and...a lot better than nasty gambling! there is no "coming down" feeling from those and high lasts a lot longer...with no consequences! Whoolaa!! Look..we both just worked it out lol.. (just maybe not so safe from injuries, but hay ho it's only a bit of physical pain & we're big girls huh ☺)
Booking a swimming with sharks for next month! 😉

Seriously..show me one person who finds "buzz" in every day life every time they open their eyes! Very rare i believe....maybe kids but we are all grown ups now with grown ups problems huh.

Not gonna harp on about blocks..who am i to suggest that when am exposed to the danger myself. I know willpower is not enough and i know i cannot do it my own way. It doesn't work!

Let's stand at that drawing board girl and keep finding the way through. Sometimes little adjustments in life can make a huge difference!

Keep up the faith & stay safe

S x

Good morning, just me again 🙂

Not sure how you're feeling today just wanted to send you a bucket of strength over.
You MUST fight on, go through those nasty emotions and low feelings. Kick, scream, shout and hide ur head under the pillow if you have to. These days are really important, please don't look back and put every block on possible.
Don't let the evil control your mind....you must fight on girl!
Learn from your mistakes and forgive yourself. Please don't wait for them to come (ohhhh they will as you know yourself)...just for today - learn from me.don't b arrogant as i am & don't think you can do it again with the same approach as before.
Nothing changes if nothing changes ☺...choose life even if it's not as exciting as you would like it to be. It's million times better than destroying addiction. Please keep belief intact and look ahead.
...please make a change for you and your loved ones. Take all the support you can! You need to fight on.
& don't follow my footsteps...stay ahead becauae that's where you belong 🙂

So i don't scare you with my dissappearance, I'm letting you know I'm slightly moving away from this site. Wrong decision at this time since I'm lapsing, relapsing and doing somersaults with this head but sometimes the decision has to be made in the view of protection of others. I could kick myself for the lack of strength i have got left...but i promise to never give up on giving up.

Stay safe Hun...I'm right behind you, do not let me to catch up!

Have a peaceful and SAFE weekend. You can & you will come through this with smile on ur face! Just do it....just believe ☺

S x

Can't leave you alone lol...

How are you? Not if I'm worried (remember our agreement ☺)

S x

I'm still here Sandra! Sorry to take so long to reply.Out all day yesterday and unpaid taxi service this morning, but now I've actually got a bit of time to sit down and catch up on here. I really appreciate your support....especially knowing that you've not been in the best place yourself. Like you, I'm fighting on. By keeping on keeping on, we'll both get there in the end. I've just been reading through some other diaries and there are a lot of people who try and try again before they fully get their S**t together. As long as I learn from my mistakes and get a better undersatnding of why I do what I do, then recovery is possible.

You don't have to answer, but I'm wondering why you're moving away from this site?

LB x

I've spent the last few days processing the question of core values, priorites and life purpose. Not exactly small questions and ones that I don't think I've fully got to grips with but my thoughts are....

My core values would be love, decency, kindness, compassion, treating people with respect and honesty. I think that I live my life with all of those except for honesty. In general, I would think of myself as an honest person. I'm a law abiding person, I never park on double yellows, pay my taxes, give back money in a shop if given too much change etc.etc. Gambling has changed my level of honesty with my husband and that it something that still shocks me to this day. I have been deceitful and manipulative to a degree that prior to gambling I would never have thought I would have been capable of. However, I think I'm fundamentally a "good" person.

I think my day to day/life priorites are mostly concerned with my family. Just about everything revolves around them. From the daily living stuff of washing, cooking, cleaning etc to the long term goals of what will happen to them after I die and ensuring a future for them, much of my time, effort and thoughts are taken up with my kids and husband. Wider family comes next and I see a lot of my nieces and nephews and in laws. Then there's my daughter's pony, a bit of time with my friends and that's about it. I can't see a way of changing any of these things and I I'm not sure if I really want to. But in amongst these day to day things comes the boredom, reward, escape notions that fuel the urge to gamble.

So, the biggest thing for me to consider and the part that's the nub of it all really is life purpose.What is mine? Am I fulfilled? Whay do I want out of life? This is the part that I get to and start to feel flat and fed up and teary about. I'm still pondering this, so I'll ponder on and come back with some answers.

LifeBegins x

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference springs to mind!

You are doing great, keep trying new things & never stop fighting for your happiness!

I've not had a lot to do with him of late as when he rocks up, I just laugh in his face or tell him to pee off. I'm wondering if considering going to a GA meeting may have given him a pair but I was certainly a bit worried about rocking up to one as a newbie without a 'reason'! I've spoken with the NM & for what his opinion is worth he doesn't think I would have been judged because 'you're an addict'! & there was me thinking he was just a pretty face...Seems he does take stuff in after all 🙂

Hi LB,

Good to see you doing so well! Keep it up girl ☺

re your question which i am still pondering about and trying it hard to explain myself. A bit of controversy going on in this head lol
I am struggling with balance in life. I either have to be at the bottom of the scale or on the top...never in the middle with everything i do. But that's just my personality and i either punish myself or fly high...just to punish myself again after. Not sure if this makes sense.
GC is a good place to be for all of us - addicts. However, recovery hit me with tonne of bricks and i start looking for the answers of my behaviour. What i got head to head with has changed me as a person completely. Absolutely.
Not sure i like this "Me" and since i cannot forgive myself and don't think i will ever come to terms of accepting the past events, i decided to move away from pain. Closing my thread was first step (that's the most painful bit).
I guess site is changing same as people & if we don't find something useful anymore, we move on.

All in all, my point is - "you have to close the door in order to open the new one". I need to close this door.
My story has started with admitting i am an addict, it's ending with pandora box opened and facing to reality every waking morning.
I am not searching for the answers anymore. I have addictive personality and i accept that.
My life is summed up with progress not perfection.

Not sure if all of this makes sence. I will stick around and keep catching up on u and fellow soldiers while try to find normality in my life outside this box.

Stay safe lovely!
Look ahead and keep believing...besides, don't be too hard on yourself because that just puts different spin on ourselves and it's hard to see the road ahead.

Sandra x