Every Day Is A Second Chance

I hear what you're saying about the 'dim' LB...If the NM had put my cards in a drawer that I have every reason to go in because he's quite happy to leave his clean washing on top of the chest of drawers whilst I'd rather they went into said drawers, I may well have been tempted! Especially given his complete refusal to see bad in me AKA understand the magnitude of my addiction. (FWIW, whilst I agree that Mr LB was indeed dim on this occasion, this is absolutely no reflection on him generally or indeed anyone else!) Yes, it would have been my fault that I relapsed but having bared our souls & begged for help from our loved ones, I think it's quite important that they take it seriously. It's very clear from both of you ladies (CW & Half Life) that you have accepted this responsibility from your partners & lay down the law to the extent that any more syphoning of money would require a lot of effort from your CG's...That's not the case for all of us. I sympathise with your frustration LB...What bigger barrier is there than handing over our finances.

KOKO - ODAAT

I closed all of the accounts in his sole name and just left the joint account. He has his card, the balance is a bit higher than I would prefer but he sticks to his daily allowance, his choice to do so. When the account is inflated for the DDs, he still sticks to his daily allowance. And when his wages hit the account, whilst I don't leave them waving at him, I don't have to race him to get to them first, he still sticks to his daily allowance.

The opportunities are there if he wanted them. He's out long hours, for my own peace of mind I assume that he's where he says he is without checking. Blocked computer at home? Internet cafe. Non internet mobile? Work gave him a tablet, he could use that. Or get one on the quiet. No cash? He does a second job, cash in hand, I wouldn't know if he kept quiet about the odd client here and there. Or he could get a card and use it for a while before I get wind of it.

I am aware of all of this and that there of plenty of other tricks that I couldn't even guess at. I refuse to live my life holding my breath waiting for him to go there. It's for him to get to his meetings and do whatever it takes to avoid the first bet. I am NOT stopping him from gambling.

OAU, KOKO, BW,

CW

Thank you for your input ladies. I know that you understand where I'm coming from Kelly, and it's good to have your support. I don't think that I'm doing myself any favours by focussing on the difference of opinion between myself and CW so I'm going to leave it to one side as I'm finding that it's getting to me a bit too much.

Suffice to say that I feel that I need my husbands support with this and that's what we've been focussing on today. He now knows about my latest bout of gambling. He's finally looked at the account and we've been able to discuss what's been going on. I think he's starting to accept that I really do have a problem. Even after seeing 28 deposits he was still reluctant to close the account but he has agreed to stop putting money into it now which is a relief. As I have said, it's my responsibility not to gamble. My choice, my decision, my fault. But I'm better able to fight the urges when it's made harder for me to do so.

I'm still unsure as to why he is so trusting of me but that's something we need to talk about another time. Maybe he just doesn't want to accept that I can have become a cg? Anyway, for now we're both all talked out.

Day 5 and feeling hopeful that this is my time x

Hi Life Begins... I see where you are coming from. My son attempted quasi barriers (with me having no real control) over anything other than the ability to watch his money disappear. This went on for a couple of years while he was attending GA. It was very frustrating for both of us. Finally after a 6 monthperiod of monthly relapses he came up to me and handed me everything(cards, passwords etc). .. he has been 9 months gamble free since. I know without a doubt it was him having NO access to any cash or credit that allowed him to get this far. The barriers have helped him get thru the rougher patches of early days and have enabled him the breathing space to work a program of recovery.

As far as your husband is concerned maybe it's just that he sees you as the strength & rock in your relationship and perhaps it scares him to think otherwise? Everyone in a relationship has their baggage and fears.:(

Cathyx

Thanks for popping over..
I'm glad your getting more support from hubby....we need it in the early days...think cathys reply was spot on
Keep fighting....x

Hey LB,

Thank you so much for your post & sorry it took a while to respond. To be honest - i was thinking of what you said...yup, all day and a half. (Call it a insomnia lol)
Firstly, you're going through some tough time yourself now and i just wanted to express my gratitude for you finding time to bounce thoughts with me. Really appreciated ☺

I guess i have changed ( i even went through my diary yesterday morning). I just don't think i have changed for the better :-/ . I met some awesome and inspiring people on here, yet...contact is fading away. I suppose life picks it's own curves. I read posts from so many and it made me a lil upset. So nice people...& i seem to become a lil "b****h". I say that simply cause i am. Not sure where my compassion went, i don't think i give it away in buckets no more...

Please don't think that anything you say to me or others affects me too deep. It does (d**n) but in a way i just get the sense what you're putting accross. Many of you to be fair. I may not respond but i read now and again.
You're wise woman, why wouldn't i listen to your thoughts? I don't need you to go over the same stuff day in day out, i see you for who you are and feel your pain/happiness/dissapointment/ victory in each of your posts. I wouldn't want it any other way, i am learning from souls like you ☺. ..and, we have something in common..that will always keep the "invisible" bond going. Don't ya worry about that!

Yes, ups and downs. Many of them recently. I am fortunate to have Kelly by my side because she is the main person to soak my worries/dummy spitting or smiles in this journey. Otherwise i would feel truly lonely. I am not up to "talking" when swimming with brown stuff but i kind of keep surfing..still & hopefully will going forwards. (But maybe with roses in future :-D)

Thank you again. Time is indeed important in this journey. Lack of patience is my downfall, but foot in front of another is truly work on progress ☺

Will keep you updated, thank you for staying in my army!

Look after yourself & please don't hesitate to contact at any time of the day/night...i will pick it up for sure.

S x

Need to clear my mind dear diary. Met up with TP today. Wish I hadn't. More and more recently I'm finding that she's driving me mad. There's always been a few things that annoy me about her but we meander along and the good stuff outweighs the bad and makes the friendship worthwhile. But since she got back with her ex, I'm finding it really hard to be around her. I know she has every right to do what she wants with her life but for me he is ( and always will be) the manipulative, abusive, controlling dirtbag that he proved himself to be when they were together. The list of things she told me about was very long but now they're back together I'm expected to forget all the tears and hurt he caused. A few new dresses, fancy dinners and the promise of a house in the country (yeah right) seems to have induced a severe case of amnesia in her. It seriously makes me want to scream.But I'm expected to be impressed and smile and say "great, I'm happy for you". I can't do it. I won't do it.

I actually feel really wound up by it and I've been trying to work out why. Judgments....that's what it boils down to. I'm judging her. Now, I know I shouldn't. I know it's not healthy and it's not very pc. But that's where I'm at. I don't think she should be making a lot of the decisions she's making. I don't think she should put him above her kids (they can't stand him). I don't think she should ignore her parents, children and friends who all think he's no good. I feel like she's settling and selling her soul. I think it will end in tears and I think she should be looking deep inside to see why she has accepted a series of disasterous relationships over and over again.

But that's me judging. And I don't know how not to do it. I don't know how to bite my lip.I guess it's going back to a core belief of mine that you put your children first and she isn't doing that. But whatever is going on for her it's not up to me to judge and that's where I'm getting stuck. I find it really hard not to. I've got very strong beliefs around family and relationships and I find it hard not to judge when someone close isn't living up to that. Which then leads me to unconditional acceptance which is another concept that I've realised I'm not very good at. I'm finding myself pulling away from her. I don't like what's she's doing,I don't agree with it and so I'm withdrawing.

So, how do I stop judging? How do I become unconditional? Does anyone (Buddist monks excepted) really live a life like that?No easy answers, but probably some important self awareness.I can't say I really like what I'm seeing in myself. But I guess at least I'm seeing it.

Hey you!

Thanks for the post (you're getting better at communication 😉 ) and such power in it i am taken aback! I DO feel change in myself,but maybe that's what still crossing the path - acceptance of it. Sometimes i look back and see how much everything has changed, sometimes i just prefer to keep that beating stick close by cause i still feel worthless. It's just me & my emotions (cannot change everything). But i fully see where you're coming from! So thank you so much for such inspiring words ☺. I am taking the plunge and some days are hell on earth, but i am not giving up on myself.. maybe with time i will let more acceptance to take place and truly aknowledge what i have done or tried to do to change my situation. I am sure of it & also sure i will keep smile on this face more often going forward. Everything is a lil stressful at the minute but i wouldn't want it any other way..this is life & I'm living it on its terms ☺..simples huh

Now..i hear what you're saying! It's not judgement of your friend. Far off...it's care you showing & with care comes honesty. I am sure if you repeat to her what you put on here, you would be scooped up for a huge hug and "thank you" words. Some people needs reality check cause the head over heels/excitement fog (same as gambling one but this one is negative) will lift sooner or later and she will realise what she have done. (As far as i see, it's not first time of her making these choices). Do hope happy ending for them, don't get me wrong, however...can leopard change it's spots? That's the question she needs to ask herself...& as you say get the priorities right. As majority of people on this earth does - family and their wellbeing comes first but for that to take place she needs to feel well and keep clarity herself.

Anyway..blabbing on here huh. I hope you're looking after yourself, being good to you and fighting the good fight for your and your families wellbeing ☺. You're doing well....tipu tapu sweetheart!

S x

There's a difference between having an opinion based on sound reasons / experience and being judgemental.

Judgemental is more about condemning her for her actions. Friendship might call for the voicing of legitimate concerns whilst allowing her to make her own choices.

CW

Hi LB

Long time!... why beat self up?Friend is going back to a douche and putting douche before kids.

Surely it's natural to feel antipathy towards her? Don't your feelings show what you value? It seems self centred of friend and that she's deep issues of some sort.

I'm trying to be less judgey but more in the sense of being less pre - judgey. We can't suspend all opinion. If in fact your judging her overly harshly, I suppose that's different. But that's an empathy /compassion thing..which you seem good at

Louis x

Thanks all. Good to hear some other viewpoints and maybe a bit of perspective. I still think I'm judging! Maybe it's not the judging that bothers me so much but the feelings that she's generating in me. It's triggering something and I'm not sure what. The level of annoyance that I feel seems out of proportion. I need to just be able to say "that's not what I would do" or "she's an adult and she can make her own decisions". A calm and controlled reaction. At the end of the day, it really isn't any of my business. But my thoughts are more "she shouldn't be doing that" "what mother does that to her kids" "that's just plain wrong". I've also got the memory of an elephant, so when she's telling me he's done this or that and thinking it's wonderful I'm thinking well he didn't do that before, or that's not you were saying 6 months ago or so that makes up for the lies and verbal abuse then does it? But I can't say any of it because she's made it clear that she doesn't want to hear it. She's taking the Millwall line...no-one likes him but I don't care. And it's not what they're doing and the stupidity of it all but it's my own response to it that's getting to me. I really don't like what it's bringing out in me. I can't understand why it's winding me up so much or why I'm giving it so much time and thought. I'm finding myself being biatchy and I can't honestly say I wish them well. Do I just want to be proved right? Is it about control? Am I over involved? I've no idea...but I'm not liking what I'm seeing in myself. I'm not really this person so why is this my response? I do have to let it go though. Clearly I'm not good at just letting things go. I haven't really learned how to just switch off difficult feelings. I keep looking for that off button but to no avail. More deep breathing!

On the plus side, all's going well in all other areas and I haven't even heard a whisper from Mr. G. Hallelujah. Maybe time to focus on these positives rather than the rest of the nonsense.

What mother does that to her kids, thats just plain wrong. Perhaps its you youre angry with, not her?
If there is one thing that always gets my heckles rising. Its people displaying the type of behaviour that im guilty of doing.

Thanks Dan, I did wonder that myself. I've heard that mentioned here before...that when we're wound up by someone's behaviour it's reflecting something back about ourselves that we don't like. Hand on heart I don't feel that way about myself and my kids. I've got plenty of other self judgements but not that one!! But as I'm here typing this I realise that's exactly what I thought about my sister when she left her kids for another man. And I know that leads back to my dad leaving us...who does that to their children? The truth is plenty of people do (and worse) but the most frustrating thing both with my sister and friend is the almost total lack of understanding that this will have an affect on their kids. The putting themselves first with no real regard to how the children feel. And when I'm calm I realise that she has issues of her own, but I'm at a loss to understand why she can't see that. Why do people who so clearly need a bit of self analysis never look inwards?

Cuz it ain't pretty!

And there's no need to bother because there's no problem and even if there were, the non existent problem is down to everyone else and/or extraneous circumstances.

It doesn't sound like it's you worrying about how you are with your kids but it might serve as a distraction from other difficulties? Probably something we all do and the GA/GamAnon always advise helping others. But like everything else, in moderation. Or it might just bug you because it isn't right?

BW,

CW