Every Day Is A Second Chance

A realisation this morning as I was doing the hoovering and thinking back over the whole hubby left the card in the drawer episode. I wasn't using it as an excuse to blame him, but actually I was seeing it as a sign that he doesn't care. If he cared, if he loved me, he'd do what we'd agreed. He didn't, so therefore he can't care (or care enough). Which also got me thinking...he never really reacts to much. He's a very calm, considered man. I've very rarely seen him angry and in all our years together I've never seen him cry. Not through all the deaths, our son's diagnosis, the ups and downs of life...never a tear.Yet me? I'm a very emotional person. I cry freely (probably too much), I get angry (again, probably too often), I question my thoughts, emotions and I feel the highs and lows. I guess we're just very different. Which is ok, I'm not asking/expecting him to change. And much of the time, I wish I was a bit more like him. But this morning I realised that his lack of reaction to my gambling is a problem for me. I've been taking it as him not being bothered. He's never shouted at me, got angry about it, given me any ultimatums. And I've often thought if it was the other way around, I wouldn't be like that. I know I'd go mad. I'd be angry, I'd shout, I'd cry and I'd make it clear that I'd stand by him but there would be clear boundaries. So, why do I see his calm, gentle approach as "wrong"? Why do I see it as a sign he doesn't care? My rational brain absolutely knows he loves me, but the child like emotional part says otherwise. "If you loved me you would...".And then I got to thinking about my Mum and dad and how she was always desperate for a reaction from him and how she very rarely got one. She'd push and push and eventually he'd explode, and then they'd talk and things would be happy again for a while and slowly they'd return to how they'd been and so the cycle would start again. She wanted to know she was loved. Getting emotion from him told her that she was.She came from a big, loud, Irish Catholic family and that's how they rolled. My Dad was from a keep your emotions locked away family. They were never able to realise this about themselves or each other and so they weren't able to work through things. So, am I doing the same? Pushing (with gambling) to get his attention? Not wanting to feel invisible? I have to learn to accept that his reactions say nothing about his love for me. It's just how he is. And actually, many people would suggest reacting with calmness and love rather than anger. Remembering how my parents were and seeing some of that reflected in me, means that I can change my approach. It doesn't mean I have to change how I am (which is where I've been stuck for so long, thinking I've got to change everything negative about me). But it means I can be aware of where some of my thinking is coming from, and having that in my mind can change my response. I see "big" reactions as I sign of caring. Just realising I do it with my daughter too ("I'm only shouting because I care. If I didn't care, I'd just let you get on with it and then they'd be no row") and I think I've also been doing that a bitwith my friend. Mmmmm, lots to think about.

Have just realised that taking full responsibility and ownership of my addiction is actually really freeing. It didn't seem that way to start with but now I can see that by taking ownership of it, I can master it. I'm not at the mercy of circumstances or anyone else pressing my buttons. If I own it, I can control it. No-one and nothing else can make me do it. I have the choice and free will and although it doesn't always feel that way, that is the truth if it. And suddenly realising this has made me feel excited and full of hope. I don't know why I didn't see it before, but as I stand here in the kitchen cooking a roast I'm amazed and grateful for suddenly seeing it now.

Great post lb
It's always confused me when people post about how there practically forced by the industry to gamble. Or so and so should be doing more to help people stop. Thy who helps himself helps the most!
I can't remember being forced or even enticed by anyone but myself.
Although the sneaky b******s gave me free tea lol
I say free it's probably the most expensive tea I ever bought
Have a great one lb x

Hi lovely,

Thank you for your post ☺.
Firstly i worded it very wrong last night. I didn't mean to say i wanted to "test myself"..no, i meant i went on the journey of reading my past posts and so on. The lows i had, the urges i fought (not always successfully).

I went to the seaside with open mind and purpose of peace. I have got it in buckets..it's only the walk back was a little tempting. You know..the feeling of temp escape. But that's what it exactly is and i know that! I also know the consequences and gambling for me associates with death. I know it might sound silly or too harsh on myself but it keeps me grounded. I choose life..gambling would bring death..simple for me to understand. I hardly get urges, i truly don't see "some easy money" as a solution..easy money huh..outta my pocked more likely. I know that i cannot stop once i start..i truly don't miss the feelings it brings either.

Going is tough as it is. Why to mk it worse?
Yes..few changes recently huh. I'm thinking if i became too self centred now :-/ ..it's not Me me me for sure, but i just want to voice the emotions like i used to do... i also thought about counselling yesterday. Maybe cause i had it in the place i visited yesterday. My counsellor was a lovely soul ☺..would be nice to catch up some time..

Yes..keeping sister close by & went to see her earlier also. Seen "him" too & not so nice emotions but here we go...she still needs to make that choice & i can't make it for her! It was lovely to catch up with nephew ☺..o*g how tall he is now! Remember rocking him to sleep on my knees & now he briefly sat down on them and nearly broke my legs lol...bless him! He is going through changes at school and as i find out having few difficulties there. Few fights as boys has... felt like detective trying to find out the real situ but again, the boy can open up so much. My sister is v worried about him..so i am also...i hope he will keep choosing the right groups at school, concentrate on education and grow up respectful and honest man. ..he has it in him, it's clear to see ☺

Thank you for your kind advice about accommodation. I did look this option up. However it's too expensive. I gotta do what i gotta do. It's my decision. Hard tho..it's hard to put my mate in this position also...but i need to look after myself and cannot pull the weight with keeping this rent up...esp now with all the changes. Friendship is falling to pieces in front of my eyes..that's really difficult to process...but...i cannot do anything with it. Just keep the hope that all will work out in the end and we can still catch up occasionally.

A lot on my mind & since i have it quite active i find it tough to separate all the thoughts. They gets muddled up and i end up in distress. I know i need more patience..it's the key. Everything will be ok, time will prove that. I suppose we as CG haven't got much of that..but i am aware of it so that's good lol.

Ohh..look at you making this brainstorm! Ya see..it's like a light bulb moment huh ☺..yes Hun, you own it - you control it. Nobody else will do this for us! Only you are the core of this computer who can protect you from the outside dangers.
You're wise lady, you're strong lady and you are doing amazing! Sometimes simple does it, accepting addiction for what it is is important, respect it darling...but keep that head clear. You're stronger than it, you're in control!

Thank you again & enjoy your food! Cakes for desert? 😛

Hugs

S x

Hi lb I did download the head space app. And so far It's been good. I do like the amplifi you videos on YouTube.

The wife wanted a running machine and make up girly things to basically. Turns out there's different shades for different skin tones. Girl's never tell boys these things do they? Turns out I got lucky 3 time's to!

I do like the messages from my dad there a good pick me up at the end of the week. He's never been one for affection.
But he's down to earth and great at motivation.

I'm going to do step 2 of the app tonight. First I have to do day one of insanity which I'm not looking forward to at all lol

Hope you have a great week!

Ps Alan is the only one who falls asleep and wets himself. He is old though
X

Insanity was just for warming up lol
It was very intense tbh especially as my wife insisted on having the heating on sub tropical.
I did the head space day 2 straight after and it worked greatly lowering my heart beat.
X

Many thanks for your kind post. A shock to us all due to the short timescale. He was a true gentleman who wil be missed.

Best wishes

Not been to see you in a while dear diary, so thought I'd better drop by. Have to say I'm feeling really good right now. Not just about gambling, but about life in general...maybe the two go hand in hand? With only a few days left of my forties, I've been giving a lot of thought as to what I want my fifties to look like. So much time, effort, angst and upset has been given to gambling in my forties that I'm absolutely certain that I am not going to let this next decade mirror the last. Decade? S****e...typing that makes me realise just how long it's been.Much of it is a blur. Lost in the gambling haze. But I have the power and ability (and desire) to change that. It's in my hands. My future, my destiny, my choice. I've said before that it feels like I circled down into the depths of it and that the last few years (especially the last one being active on here) has seen me circling back up out of it. My last bet may not have been very long ago, but the patterns, feelings and changes that I have made don't really reflect that. A lot of work has been going on for me, emotionally and practically. I can't explain it...I don't have to...I just feel different now.

Mr. LB and I have done a lot of talking lately. Prompted by my gambling, but not really about it. Looking at some of the issues which underlie it. Not his fault...not all mine...but acknowledging and starting to repair the disconnect.We've got a good marriage and he's a good man, but I don't always find it easy to say what's bothering me...what I need, or how I'm feeling. And let's just say he's not very emotionally aware. Unless I tell him straight up, clearly (and preferably consisely) there's a prolem he just carries on oblivious to everything. But I tend to think he should just know. I shouldn't have to point things out, should I? And then I punish him (half the time he dosen't even realise) or I reward/treat myself (which in reality is self punishment). So we/I are making efforts to change that. I'm being more honest and he's getting better at hearing what I'm saying. We're having more connected time together and it's making a big difference. Which lessens the triggers, the boredom, the loneliness and the f you urges.

So. Onwards and upwards to the big 5-0! For such a long time I hated the idea of it. OLD...officially old. Then I started to realise that it's ok. I can embrace it...make the most of it. Many people I loved haven't even made it this far, so shut up moaning woman and get on with it. Enjoy it. Be grateful for it. My mid life crisis appears to be taking the form of exercise and well being. Mr. LB was hoping for fast cars, a motorbike and leathers (for me, not him. Oh dear, that's not an image I want to dwell on) but he's just going to have to get over the dissappointment. I've signed up for a personal trainer. Twice a week she's going to come to my house and inflict all kinds of torture and then on Wednesdays I'm dragging him off to yoga (it'll be good for him). Plus I'm still walking and talking at least once a week. My longer term goal is to start to play netball again. It's a bit of a pipe dream, but I'm setting it as a target. It may all seem a bit financially indulgent, but it's nothing compared to what I was throwing at Cleopatra and to be honest I'm worth it. I'm sick of the old gambler mentallity of "how much?" no thanks, I won't buy that...ah, but I'll throw away hundreds in the hope of a bonus round (which might retrigger). Enough of all that. And this isn't about filling time or keeping myself busy to take my mind off the urges.This is about getting a life. Doing something productive. Doing meaningful, healthy, positive things leads to me doing more of the same. I find myself making those phones calls, catching up with people, making the effort. It's the opposite of the negative cycle that I've been in for so long. Time to be getting some real life experiences out of this real life of mine. Here's to 50. Chin, chin!!

Hello you old sod !! , OOOOh , you don't want to be 50 you know , everything gets all saggy and bits stop working , fall of then finally explode ? .

Cheered up now ? LOL !

50's just great it's when actually everything started out a bit urrrrgh then turned into Weyheeeeeeeeeeey :)) and I'm loving it just as I know your gonna too :))

And remember it's ok being 50 in your body as long as your still 25 in your head , unlike some of the old dragons I meet on here, Whoop's ( me and my mouth ) :)) .

Look on it as a new chapter in life's book which is yet unwritten !.

Stay safe Lb and love to you and your's .

Uncle Fester ( is that it ? ) xx

LoL ! Thanks for the detailed info into the operation , I feel so much more relaxed than I did 10 minutes ago :))

I actually hear that going on as I go down to theatre for my Cortizone injections and it always puts me in mind of the dentist waiting room and the drill noises ! .

Enjoy your worms xx

Yeah I did realise once I'd posted what I'd done , I knew it would give you " Old Duffer ammunition " bolx !! .

You must be talking about the screening service which the NHS have beaten you to by offering it already ?

There not actually interested in my hips just about how far they can get a huge Tv camera plus film crew up my jacksie , I had that done many years ago and it totally made me realise I'd made the right choice not being *** :((

The good news is theyv'e given me a stay of execution until the hipsters are put right , Result !!!.

I will wind you up though at some point , you'll come on here one day saying how youve just smashed your keyboard up in a fit of rage because of some old duffer being ageist :)) .

I could just wind you up with bad jokes ?

Like ," Will your Yoga instructor bend over backwards to please you " ?

Night Nurse , ( Get it ) ?

How about a Space film ? " The Black Hole " or " Is that Uranus I can see " ?

The Possibilities are endless LB :))

Glad youv'e got a sense of humor off to fry some more chips now :((

Catch you later xx

LifeBegins at 50....I was thinking about starting a new diary and leaving this old one behind. A fresh start to mark this new chapter in my life. A diary that wouldn't be marred by my failings. But I decided against it. I like the comfort of this one. I like to see all the ups and downs and how far I've come. I like to be reminded of the support I've received and the advice I've been given. I am grateful to see the posts from people who have given their time to reposnd to me.

So, the big birthday has been and gone and I had an absolute blast. Quite how I've managed to drag out the celebrations for the whole of October I'm not sure but hey, why not? I didn't celebrate my 40th at all. It wasn't long after my sister had died and being happy and joyful was the furthest thing from my mind. This birthday was a complete one-eighty. I am so pleased to be able to say that. To be able to feel happy and excited and silly. To enjoy good times again. A lot has happened in those passing years, but somehow things have all come back together again. I'm truely feeling the best I have in a long time. Lots of things feel like they've slotted back into place. It's not all roses obviously, still no marshmallow clouds, but I just feel much happier and more at peace than I remember feeling in a long time. Not gambling is a part of that. But so too is becoming busier, more productive, doing things, making the effort to keep in touch and see people, exercise...yoga!!...I made a vow more than a year ago, that I wouldn't waste my fifties gambling as I had my forties. It's taken that year to straighten my thinking to a point that I feel absolutely determined that I am able to fulfill the promise that I made to myself. One day at a time, moving forwards, sometimes big leaps, sometimes baby steps. Finally, I'm doing it and it feels good.

Happy belated birthday! Im really happy you had a good day (days! ) 🙂

Hi Luvverly bird :)).

Yeah ! I noticed you didn't give out the exact date otherwise I'd have been around earlier to gatecrash your party :))

Can't believe you 50 though , you don't look it honestly ! I'd have said UUUUM ? 41 or maybe 42 at a push , WoW ! , Well all I can say is youv'e worn well girl :)) .

Massive congratulations on reaching Your 50 th LB , so glad you had a great time :))

Love to you and your's

Uncle George xx