Every Day Is A Second Chance

Hi LB,

Happy belated birthday! 50 is a good one. I say celebrate the whole month!! Cheers! -joanxx

Hi " Old Gal " :)) .

Hope all's well and nothing's fell off yet now youv'e hit a milestone age ?.

Apologies for not responding sooner but I didn't know quite what to say once you start " Analyizing me " LoL and the thought did cross my mind " Just how many Pina Colada's has she had :)) It's ok I'm only jelous really .

Your question about thing's bothering me and having a softer side are spot on , of course things bother me but only things that matter to me , family , friends , the price of cod that sort of thing but the rest that's not worth worrying about I tend to discard to be honest .

As for the softer side ? yes absolutely , I think that all starts the moment your kids are born , all your perspective on life suddenly changes , my dad would always hide his soft side but I guess that's because his dad had a really bad upbringing with beatings and such and would never show any emotion to my dad , that being said I alway's had love and support from my dad who was fiercly protective of me at times but I alway's wanted my kids to see emotion in me as I think it's important for them to witness the fact that dad has feelings and isn't invincible , theyve seen me at my worst times going through my divorce and admiting my gambling addiction but have also seen happier emotions such as at my daughters recent wedding when I blubbed like a blocked sink :)) .

The lighter side of my posts just comes in to play because that's the way I am in real life , it's not all made up or put on as some like to think and nor am I hiding behind it as a shield for covering up something more dark and sinister , I don't do doom and gloom if I can help it as you well know , sure there's been bad things in my life but nothing horrendous nor anything that has influenced me becoming a CG , as I said maybe it's Genetics I really don't know but I chose to gamble because I loved it and being self employed with a strange set of hours , something that fitted in perfectly with my life , problem was it got to a point where it became more important to gamble than have a real life and that's not good .

My job has me mixing with all walks of life on a daily basis , some wonderfull charactures , some really nice people , some not so nice and some down right weird and very very rude and although I try and treat everyone the same sometimes it requires adjustment .

You know my shop is a stones throw from the Naval Base where I live , at leats 3 times aweek I here the sound of air raid sirens being tested , two types , one being for a " Nuclear Accident " and the other for a " Full blown attack " and for the first couple of years I used to lay awake worrying myself silly over the fact I was working right next to one of Putin's targets , we even have little printed booklets from the council , " What to do in the event of a Nuclear attack / accident " yeah right ! , so now I don't really think about it anymore and in my humourous way think " Well if it happens everything will be cooked withoiut me even turning the fryers on " , may be a little overdone though ? .

Sorry I know you want me to delve deep and examine my past for clues but I can't invent something that's not relevent :((.

Apologies for the ramble and I hope you don't fall off your hammock while dozing off , although your probably home by now , so I hope you had a great time and talk to you soon , Luverly bird :)) xx

Thanks for the birthday wishes. I took your advice Joan, and managed to drag it out for a whole month!

Just a quick update to say that all's good in the hood. October has been a really full on month with lots of celebrations and time away and I knew that coming back was going to leave me feeling a bit flat. Sure enough, the last few days have felt like a big dollop of blah. But the good news is that I was prepared for it. By getting to know myself better and understand my moods and emotions more, I knew that this is just how I'd be feeling. I also knew that my irrational self would start to tell me that I can feel a bit better with a bit of a treat. And sure enough I had the "50 quid won't hurt" thought go through my head yesterday. But because I knew it would be coming, I was able to dismiss it almost instantly.Recognising my triggers has been a godsend and I feel stronger than ever right now. So, although I feel a bit sh*tty I also know that it will pass.

I read a great book when I was on holiday and there was a line in it that really struck a chord....

"Your deeds are your monument"

KOKO xx

Well if the glove fit's or should I say "Support stocking's " these day's old Gal ! LoL !

Sorry wont mention your age again , promise ? It's only a number after all , that being said a pretty big number though , LoL xx.

I was wondering if I'd upset you or even worse that you'd got yoir typing hand caught in the strings of your Hammock but yeah ! I suppose I have missed ya !! :)).

I understand fully about what your saying regarding deep stories , I just don't seem to have as many as some , don't really know where that came from to be honest but maybe what you said about us really begining to explore more after the first year is true , so watch out for an avalanche of stories of my past eh ? .

Maybe your right about the enviroment we grew up in ? gambling in my house as akid was always a happy event ( well seemed to be ) and I'd alway's be handed the loose change of any winnings so I suppose I could have seen it as a reward later in life ?.

Oh that's it I'm going deep again aren't I :)) .

Talk to you soon Lb and glad to see you back :))

Uncle George xx

Off on a bit of a ramble....vulnerability. Something sparked me off on thinking about the concept of feeling/being vulnerable. It's not a comfortable feeling for many us. I'm much better with it than I ever was, but there is still a part of me that likes to keep my guard up. Less so on here (maybe because I know I can just delete and run if necessary) but even here there's a part of my mind that knows some people will be judging. And that things I say or share can come back and bite me in the rear. Can be used against me. I've seen it happen on here (not often) but still, it's there. And not everyone shares as much of their "stuff" as others. Are they holding back? Or don't they have "stuff" to share? But surely we've all got "stuff" or we wouldn't be here? Maybe some people just don't realise it.

If I fully open up I put myself at risk of being hurt. I risk being judged. I risk people seeing the real me.The real me (as I've come to understand) isn't so bad after all. I quite like me now. But people don't undersatnd do they? I was bought up with the don't tell anyone anything mindset. Keep it in the family....don't let anyone know what's going on behind closed doors. Strange how all these years later, that idea still has a hold on me. I used to think it was all to do with concerns about shame and judgement, but actually I realise that for me it's more about giving people ammunition. When you tell something deeply personal, it's always out there. There's no unknowing it...no taking it back. I remember that I over rode my reluctance once and took a chance with something important and personal with my sister. She later used it against me. I've not done it again since. Admittedly, she was the worst person to choose to confide in and with all the bitter resentment she holds about me, I'm not sure what I was thinking! But still.I did it and it didn't work out. I have to fight the urge which says, "well see how that turned out". I have to be able to be vulnerable and trust it will be ok. So I can see why people don't want to tell their families (only my husband knows, and that's how I'm planning on keeping it). I can see that it's hard for people to open up and trust. Baring our souls is hard and every time we post something on here, or speak to a friend/partner we are taking a risk. But it seems those risks have to be taken in order to move forward. Not sure why I started this or where it's going, but as always It's better to ramble than gamble and getting it out of my head and onto here is therapy in itself.

Hi LB,

Just wanted to come by and apologise about yesterday..simply cause it's eating me alive...you took your time to respond, you tried to help & i chucked it all bk in your face 🙁

I didn't mean to sound as i did & there is no excuse...i just don't recognise myself recently and happened to read your post at very wrong time (after a fight with hr at work).
I miss read it and turned the meaning to negative perspective. I am sorry again.
I know you mean well, and maybe in time i will face what is required because i guess i have to as leaving this for too long will just see me going in circles.
It's just not the right time recently, too many stressful steps taken and i don't think i could handle some more.

I hear you about vulnerability. I have also told my Sis about few past issues...ever so embarrassing to me. Too right, she found time to dig into me when we had fights...& too young to understand what actually happened. I don't blame her & we have never spoken about it since. I am glad she shared her tough times with me too tho, & I'm amazed how she had dealt with it. I wish i could let go the same way.

We are all vulnerable, in one sense or the other. Opening up is not easy, after all, you share something you haven't told a soul before & by sharing this, you must feel that the person you say things to at least tries to understand. There is no wrong or right, we all have secrets and it's down to us to talk about them to others.
Does it bring strength in us for doing so? Or fear of being judged? Sometimes but not always. I guess it's difficult to re-live something what has changed your personality in a way.
The most important thing is - you don't say stuff from victim's perspective - you say it for recovering purpose...you share & are ready to let go. This takes some guts! Opening yourself for judgement huh..still can remember the feeling & shakes it had brought me.

I hope you accept my lil crazy yesterday and i apologise once again.

Very proud of you & ur ongoing battles ☺

Stay strong - keep believing in urself & keep winning for real - you are worth it!

S x

Hi LB

INternet forums are weird aren't they. I'm definitely still getting used to them as as a concept. On the one hand your anonymous (especially you who, ASAIK, hasn't given a first name), so you can write what you want. In this sense it's a perfect testing ground for real life. Nowt to lose.

On the other hand, it's still kind of a functioning society, with people and personalities. And yes, I shudder when someone has a spat and brings up the past of the person they're trying to point score off. That contravenes a very fundamental rule in my book. But even then, I think it reflects much more on the person who's bringing this stuff up.

And I too feel very conscious of being judged. I try not to write stuff which is showing myself in a good life, but I know I still do it.

I feel like you're caught on the fence between opening up on here and keeping back? Not for me to say which way to go. I've found opening up, whether on here or 3d, to be really cathartic. Maybe quite lucky with having understandable family. I only once felt a bit borderline, telling some people I don't know that well who I work with - but I think even that was more as it wasn't really in context of the convo.

Hope all is well with you and your family.

Louis

How the f**k did that happen? Trump in the White House. What a sad day. Think I'm in shock x

Thanks for popping over lb..
Hope all is going well for you ...
Stay safe x

Hi LB X thank you for posting you've helped me a lot. You know when I put in my post that the urges were less intense cos of someone's diary I was reading? That diary was yours :)) you've had really tough time hun and so much of what you said is so like me. Same here online slots and of course not being able to stop. Yes my triggers are boredom, upset and stress. My hubby can be a trigger lol. It's a lot of it a crutch for me but since Alan said something that fears gone now which is helping me no end to stay gf. Now the urges come with boredom mostly thank you for reassuring me hun that has helped loads. So I've addressed the boredom issues by applying to volunteer for Citizens Advice Witness Support, you have to go to Court with the witnesses and support and give them information it sounds really interesting:) I need to fill my spare time. And I've now got someone to look after my dog when I do that up until now I've been a bit 'trapped' cos she suffers separation anxiety so not been able to leave her much. How are you LB? Well done on yours days :)) your doing fab hun. Thanks again for helping me spk soon Lu x

Hi LB

Your post has been quite inspirational.

One if my values is indeed kindness. I think as an addict I would hold beliefs that I was a kind person, and that i was various other positive traits.

But this wasn't really matched in actions as I was operating firmly within the confines of my insecurities.

Very obvious but it's not enough to think I'm a kind person. I think making positive value judgements about yourself 'I'm kind' can be dangerous in the same way that negative ones more obviously are.

Your post was helpful though, as I'd become a bit too rigid. I periodically set various goals according to my values. Which is important. But that's quite different to, as you say, living by values 'throughout the day'.

Been more conscious of being kind today, which so far has been rewarding.

Obviously I'm not gona be kind all the time, but consciously holding a value like this does make a difference to your outlook.

Glad to read you're doing well. I think a positive value, or a strong quality, you have is 'curiosity' - with regards to others and relationships. This allows you to connect very well with others.

Louis

Thanks for your posts Lu and Louis. I will reply but need to get this out now.

Diary..I received a message yesterday. It had been hidden in a box on Facebook messenger which I never knew existed. It's been there a while. A bolt out of the blue that has left me a bit...well, I don't know how it's left me feeling. From my ex husband. "That I've been in his mind for some time...that he hasn't forgiven himself for the emotional harm that he inflicted on me...apologising for the hurt, insults and many slights...that he deeply regrets his actions...that he seeks no forgiveness...that he genuinely hopes I've found happiness"

I don't know what to make of it or how I want to respond. I'm guessing that he's in a step programme of some sort and that this is part of making amends to those you've hurt. I'm probably one of a long list. It's quite formal, sounds a bit scripted which hacks me off a bit. If it's genuine then write it from the heart. I'm conflicted. Part of me says just say it's fine, I'm ok, no hard feelings, it hurt but therapy helped me work through it.

The rest remembers the hurt, the lies, the slaps, the arguments. The already fragile heart that you trampled all over. I see the size 8 girl eating a single apple for lunch as I was "too fat", the constant comparisons to others, knowing I was never good enough, that you didn't want to be with me, that no matter what I did it was never enough. Even with therapy some of that hasn't gone. I learnt to put up walls, be wary. I'm now remembering the pain of that time and I don't want to go back there. How dare you just appear. And it's all about you. Making yourself feel better. Working your steps. So I'm just expected to say that's fine. You fecked me up good and proper but it's ok? An apology nearly 30 years later? Shove it up your uncaring ar**se. How dare you. I've been on your mind? Well you were on my mind for a very long time too. Seeping into my decision making, affecting my confidence, self esteem, self worth. Thanks to you I felt like S***e and that had an effect. So no, you can't just dump this on me.

I'm going to sit with it for a while. Take some time.

Have searched him. Find myself looking through happy, smiley photos with his kids on Facebook. Checking his friends and seeing old relations of his. People that were meant to like me, that welcomed me into his family. Am going over and over old wounds. I need to stop this. It's doing me no good. I don't want to cry over him anymore. Been there, done that. Feel increasingly angry with him. f**k off and leave me alone.

Lb stop torturing yourself delete the message and carry on regardless. Maybe it made him feel better. But now that's made you feel worse. Best to leave him where he belongs. In the past
X

It's all about what you want to do LB and how you feel , personally unlike Brother Deano up there I couldn't sit with those feelings without replying , if something made me that angry and that he thought just by msging you you were going to forgive him for all the hurt he caused I'd be livid , He's decided now's the time because it feels good and right for him ? ( What a pri.ck ).

Might be worth you getting rid of those feelings and having agood old rant and vent at him , it's one thing putting it down on your diary here but he's never going to see or know exactly how you feel is he ?.

Maybe something along the lines of " Actually I don't forgive you for all the hurt you caused me , your an absolute C***t , How dare you contact me after all this time because you want to feel better about yourself you f****n Piece of dog S****e " ? .

That was only a rough idea and you can change the expletives as you see fit or was it too much ? .

Sorry Uncle George just lookin out for luverly bird :)).

Ps , I feel much better now even if you don't :))

XX