Every Day Is A Second Chance

Day 32

Well, dear diary, I have climbed to the top of a big hill to get a signal (yes, really). I now realise that the biscuits and galaxy's have got to stop as I can hardly breathe 🙂

Have been in a very reflective mood today. Not unhappy, down or sad just kinda contemplative. Have remembered an old saying that I want to put here to look back on when needed....

"For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin...real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life"

Hi there,

Inspiring and true words! But what gripped my heart is your consideration of giving up biccies and galaxy ripples :-0...no no no girl, these are source of energy to climb that hill 😀 just imagine what a fun it will be going down hill (you will thank for chocolate then..on your comfy landing :-P)

Good to see you martching on - keep reaping the benefits abstinence so kindly gifts - you're doing it!!!

S x

Hello Diary. I'm back in the land of the internet...Yay!! We were only in Devon, but you'd think we'd gone to the moon the connection was so bad. Anyway, I'm here for day 36 and feeling in real need of this forum today as it's turning out to be a tough one. My husband's away on business (only overnight) and it's the first time in the last ten years that he's gone away and I won't be gambling. The minute he said he'd be away, the old Pavlov's dog's reaction kicked in and I thought of the night to myself, a glass of wine and a big long session on the i-pad. My money's gone into my account so I don't even need to take (steal) any from our joint account and the gambling devil in my head is saying that's ok as I've proved I can keep it under control now (36 days, that proves it right?).

I'm not going to do it though.I've just re-read this diary from day 1 and I can see how far I've already come and I don't want to go back. Even if by some miracle I manage to stay in control (which I won't, coz I can't, which is why I'm here in the first place) what woud I gain? What am I really doing it for? Mostly habit (...that's what I do when he's away) but other than that the quick thrill of the bonus spins. That's all I'd playing for. The feature. I'm under no illusions that I'd win a mega, life changing jackpot because I don't even play those games! So I'm really contemplating throwing all this away for for a few seconds of excitement. How sad is that?

But, as I just typed that I realised that I'd also be doing it to fill up the time. And now I'm crying. Big, sad, gulping tears and I don't know why. I've had a lot of teary episodes today. I think I'm still running away from my sadness. But the sadness keeps catching up with me.

Hi LB,

I have always called my recovery journey a rollercoaster ride, because I feel different every day, even now lol.

Our moods and feelings change like the weather, and it's not surprising, especially in the early days, because you are fighting this with everything you have, subconsciously and consciously, even when we are not thinking about it, which for me was when I was out of the house, because my damage was done online in my home, in every room just about.

You have just come back from holiday, you are back in your home where you gambled, and it looks like your triangle is weak as you have funds in your account, can you transfer them on line to another account with no card, even into your OHs account, or if temptation gets too much, can you pay a bill, debt off with your money, at least it's going somewhere, just a thought LB, I have done this with a tenner, as that is all I leave in my account.

Don't underestimate this addiction, it will thrive on your feelings at this time, you are on your own, in the house, Do not give in, have a few wines, do anything, this will pass and you will feel proud,

Keep close to this forum, and stay focused, and remember that one little bet, may turn into,a disastrous big amount of money lost, because once we start we can't stop whether we win loads or lose loads.

Suzanne xxx

Don't cry LB 🙁 & don't give in now! You are doing great & @ least the sadness isn't being made worse by a big fat gambling headache!

Edit: Just read that back & it's pathetic, I know but I'm @ work & I wanted to write something, anything...Thank goodness the blonde one beat me to it 🙂

I will be back later, I promise - soz 😉

I can't tell you how much you two lovely ladies are helping me. Thank you both for your understanding and support.

I've been off and had a bloody good cry. A real ugly, snotty one 🙂 Suprisingly, I feel a bit better.

I'm not going to gamble. Being on here and laying it all out has proved that to myself. If I really wanted to, I could have blown all my money already today.I've had plenty of time to gamble today and I haven't. The money's safe in my account because I've shredded the card. This is the 2nd lot of money to go in which won't be lost to the online casinos.

It was the realisation that I've been doing this to fill the time that set me off. I remember saying to the therapist it was to "fill the void". But that void can't be filled and so I have to learn to accept it, come to terms with it, let it go....but exactly how the f**k do you do that? That's the question that I haven't found the answer to. Nobody seems to be able to tell me how to do that. And so, I eat. And drink. And gamble. And yet I still don't feel any better.

Sorry, this is turning out to be a bt of a downer.

I'll be ok. Just got to sit with the feelings.And breathe.

They'll pass. They always do.

One day at a time 🙂

LB x

I so know that sort of cry...Isn't it just a crying shame that normal people don't get the film star afterglow from these episodes ;-(

I have no idea how to really fill the voids but I have a new 'Sesuo' thanks to this Forum...She's a little bit Coo Coo but she understand the ups & downs in recovery & she's always there for me (with her phone on silent)! I'm not quite so efficient as I don't have alerts on my portals but I have emailed admin to get in touch with you anyway in case you think a cyber friend might be a useful tool in your armoury!

I can't promise not to try & hunt you down if you don't take me up on the offer but I promise not to be offended 😉

Evening LB,

Pleased to read you safely negotiated through yesterday:) this addiction is so very cunning and unpredictable, we have to stay on guard at all times, no matter how many days, weeks, months (don't know about years yet lol) but I guess it will always be the same, but that's ok, as long as we keep choosing NO to gambling, because it doesn't help us one ioter, it self destructs us, keep remembering that, and keep winning for real,

Suzanne xxx

Hi LB, glad you are ok after a difficult day, I had that on Sunday when OH was out all afternoon and evening, horrible isn't it? But we got through it and look how far we have come, it's definitely worth fighting the urges because we would have felt so much worse had we given into them, no more sick feeling in our stomachs, no more lying awake at night thinking and worrying about what we have done and how we can pay what we need to pay, no more lies, oh what a relief it is not to be gambling, I am so proud of you and it is lovely that we are progressing on this journey together, one day at a time, take care and keep strong and thanks for posting on my diary earlier x

Hi mrs Galaxy ☺

Excuse for stamping a nickname on ya, but we are all crazy in this world and i had to name you something special (in a good way )

Right...you joined at the same time i joined but i can't recall ya being around! What i can recall and thank you for - is finding your way back here and keeping up the fight!!!
You are good person..in fact very honest, loving,determined and strong as far as i can tell from your posts. (Slightly coo coo 😀 but once again - welcome to this gang lol)
Thank you so much for your post and sorry to hear you were struggling yesterday. Juuunnieee did mention seing you struggling and i did come over to read but was in such a state myself i couldn't even spit a word out. I can today ☺. I am proud of you ...very very much so because this fight is not easy to deal with, but it's definitely worth going through hell (sozz..but there will b days like yesterday) to come out the other side..past is past, nothing we can do there..just accept things, but we have now and tomorrow and these are the most important things in life. You are doing everything right my friend and please keep up the good work because of not tomorrow, then another day really good things will start coming your way! (And i don't mean kids going bk to school so ya have time for yourself and peace inda house 😉 )

Keep up the good work -one day at a time

Sandra x

Bloody hell...day 40! That's gone quick. Those first few days seemed to last forever, but suddenly here I am. And to think that I was considering waiting until after the summer holidays to start, as I didn't think I could cope with the summer without going online.

I've know for a long time that one of my biggest problems is feeling lonely and bored.There's a lot of stuff behind those feelings which I've been going over in my mind recently, and which I'll take time to put down in this diary at some point. But for now, I've decided that I need to take action to fill up some of my time and to get my brain working again. So, I've been looking at adult education classes (thinking of learning french....don't quite know why but it'll give me an excuse to book a holiday to Paris) or maybe a cookery course (god knows, I could do with that). I've just signed up for a taster session at Rockchoir. God knows why, as I can't sing but it sounds like fun, and could be a way to meet people. It's out of my comfort zone for sure, but what's the worst that can happen?

Feels like today's going to be a good day. Especially as I know there won't be any gambling involved.

LifeBegins x

40 is the new 30 you know 😉

Unfortunately in real life I'm closer to 50 🙁

Wow, 40 days already, well done you.

As the days build up, your resolve gets stronger, now that is positive,

Here here lol, to another good gambling free day.

Suzanne xxx