Every Day Is A Second Chance

Aha mrs Galaxy!

I've been called worse so shall let you off ☺. Next you will see me on Crime Watch with a glass in my hand 🙁

I am sure the revenge is being plotted against me since poor Boris was left with one leg (& this was partly my fault but I'm not owning that crime!)...so all the family and friends are coming bk for me :-0

Well...as always, I'm still standing and fighting back ☺ (i best stock up on glasses sice the house is dotted with them :-/)

Have a good day and just maybe time for a galaxy ripple me thinks!

Coo coo

Haha! Yup..that made me smile, looks like the nation will be saved - mrs Galaxy found the cure! 😉
But did you notice that if you take them outside, they always come bk in...plus dragging a friend along too :-0 ...brrrr..cannot bear it lol.

On the same note, i had a visitor today. Lovely young man come round to ask me for donation for cancer research. Before converse took off he pointed at the "friend" near the door (big huge massive 8 legged one!!! :-0)..i looked and said pls don't start lol..he said "oh, are you scared?" I said just not a fan (cannot admit I'm a murderer can i!?), so he said i will catch it and will put it on your head! :-0 now tell me how that works out lol! I nearly slammed door in his face cause he seemed to lean on to actually get it 🙁 ...but he was ever so cute i wanted to keep conversation flowing lol...so end result - great banter, he has my phone no and I'm donating for a good cause! (Another good deed in my bag for the day) win win hey lol

Prob not interesting story but hey, it all started with creepy crawlies huh ☺

Thanks for the suggestion on that catcher, i can leave my sprays in the cupboard then ☺

Morning LB,

Thanks for your kind post on my diary.

Well done on 56 days, and keep going strong.

Try and post a bit more on your own diary if that helps, you'll be amazed how it can galvanise your own strength in recovery.

Thanks again.

Remember....Recovery is possible

Ade

Ok diary, I think this is going to be a long one.

Had an appointment with the osteopath this morning for my long standing neck pain. It's been going on for at least 5 years now, and I've tried so many different approaches (physio, accupunture,massage,exercise,drugs,cranial,osteopathy) but nothing's worked. Saw a different osteopth today, as my usual one was away. Oh, my, god! I was so completely unprepared for what happened.She did the usual neck cracking and deep tissue work and then got me on my side to do some cranial work. As she was very gently working away, she started to ask me questions about my past....

How was my childhood? Had there been any major events that had happened when I was younger? My instinct was to keep schtum and say nothing....I was here about my neck and not for a counselling session....but there was something about the way she asked that I found myself answering. Yes, my Dad left home when I was 11. "That must have been upsetting for you. Did you stay in contact...do you see him now?" Well yes, he came back after a while and then left again. They loved each other, but didn't get on. There were lots of arguements that I listened to.I felt as though they didn't care about me.If he loved me, he wouldn't have left. Therefore, I must be unloveable. "That must have been tough at such a young age. How did you manage you feelings?" I don't know. I don't think I really acknowledged them." How are things with you parents now?" Oh god...well, my Mum died when I was 21. "Oh dear, that's tough. Was it cancer?" No, she had a brain haemorrhage. She lived for 3 weeks, but they couldn't save her. She was only 56. "That's terrible. You've had a lot to deal with. And your Dad?" He died 12 years ago. Cancer of the oesophagus. He was old compared to Mum at 73.Then 2 years later my sister died. " Oh my goodness. I feel for you. What happened to her?" She had a brain tumour. 3 weeks from diagnosis until she died. She went into a coma, so we didn't even get to say goodbye properly.She was 48. "That's really tough. Did she have children? How did they cope?" Yes, 3 boys. Well, young men (21, 23 and 25 at the time).We'd always been really close. I don't know what happened, but there was a falling out of sorts. I still don't understand it. But they stopped talking to me.We lost contact and I haven't seen them in years." Oh my, you really have had a lot to carry around. But I get the feeling that you're strong. You don't feel like a sad person, even after so much sadness.Would you say that was true?"

By this point, I could hardly talk. The tears had been flowing silently and she hadn't noticed. No, I wanted to say. I'm not a strong person and I am sad. But the sadness has felt so overwhelming at times, that all I've wanted to do is run away from it. When Mum died, I turned to food. Throughout her time in hospital (we stayed with her day and night, she was never alone) I ate. They had a little league of friends coffee shop, and if I wasn't at her bedside, I was there eating cake and chocolate. When Dad died, the food alone wasn't enough and so I added in drink.I remember being so drunk at the end of the nigt when we buried him, that I was convinced he wasn't dead.I wanted to go to the cemetary and dig him up as I was certain it was all a terrible mistake. And then when my sister died, the pain was so strong that it was an actual physical pain that I could feel in my chest. At times, It literally hurt to breath. The only thing that was strong enough to block out the pain was the online slots. And so was formed my unholy trinity of avoidance tactics (and comfort).

She sat me up and realised that I was upset. "I'm so sorry. I wasn't trying to pry. It's just that I believe we carry our stresses and traumas around in a physical sense. When someone has a long standing pain that doesn't respond to treatment I always look to see if there's an emotional connection. It's not that the emotions cause the pain, but they cause stress and tension which makes the muscles become rigid. I think you're body has been holding on to the emotions for such a long time that you're whole back and neck have become constricted" The more she talks, the more I cry. I feel such a fool. I'm here for a bad neck and yet she's touching on stuff that has really sparked a response in me. Something about her and the way she was....I don't know. It was almost unnerving, but in a safe kind of way. It was almost as if she could see right into my heart.The session ends with her hugging me as I sob onto her shoulder.I went back to my car and cried some more, and then cried all the way home.It's like she opened the floodgates.

I keep saying to myself, that I've come to terms with things. That I know I still miss them, always will, but the searing visceral pain has gone. Which is true. There's no way it hurts as much any more. I also say to myself how can it still affect me after all this time. My Mum's been dead for 26 years now ffs.My Dad for 12, and my sister for 10. I can't still be banging on about it can I? But then, if I've been stuffing the feelings down and avoiding them for literally years at a time with food, wine and slots then maybe the time is irrelevant.I don't know. I feel calmer now. I feel a bit lighter somehow. Interestingly I've had no urges for food, wine or slots so that must be good. I just wanted to come on here and get this all down so I don't forget it. It feels quite surreal but also very significant. Like something really important happened this morning even if I don't fully understand exactly what is was.Just when I was least expecting it.

Day 57. OAU.

LifeBegins x

Hmmm, interesting...I too had been nursing some substantial neck/back pains which seem to have subsided somewhat of late :-0 That took me right back to a Chiro years ago that used to get me to put my thumb & 1st finger together & stop him prising them apart. As you can imagine I was weak as you like but then he talked me into a 'happy place' & lo, it was like they'd been superglued!?

Probably shouldn't have read that on my way into work with no tissues to snuffle into but it's pulled my shoulders back & I'm walking tall! Hopefully once the exhaustion of what must have been an extremely draining therapy session passes you will feel the sun on your face & raise a smile for all your loved ones past & present! You may not feel it but you are strong LB, you have never given up on anyone!

OAU - ODAAT

LB

​Beautiful. Just when I begin to despair of this site a post restores my faith that some are capable of seeing beyond the pound notes. Thankyou x. Google 155 step4 questions it may give you a framework to write about & begin to deal with your pain. Danx

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

This recovery journey sure is strange at times:))) alsorts of stuff that has happened in our past takes us by unawares, and then some sort of light bulb moment happens when we least expect it.

You are strong, you have done 57 days now, and you are moving forwards,

We can't rush through recovery like we did with gambling, it was all about quick, quick fixes, patience did not even enter the equation, but recovery is the opposite, we can't rush through it, it will keep growing slowly, as long as we stay within it, Patience is the key,( I am still work in progress on that one lol)

Take each day as it comes now and keep your head held high, you have recovery on your side,

Suzanne xxx

Hi

​LB

​Yes the questions are pretty brutal aren't they. I agree it's too early for you to be tackling them yet, but while it was in my mind thought it best to pass it on now. My timeframe was 5 years without a bet before I approached them. Wish I had done it earlier though its what eventually set me free. Dan

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

​

Thank you for noticing, I am a big softie 😉 It's funny because it was the sort of stuff I would usually dismiss as mumbo jumbo but there was something so physically convincing that I simply couldn't...Racking my brain cell now trying to figure out why I stopped going? It makes sense that carrying our worries round with us makes our muscles constrict because when I consciously think about relaxing I'm always surprised at how much movement there is especially in the top of my back! & lo, just like that I have decided to add relaxation to my daily commute, I would add it to my daily beauty routine but since that consists of a 2 minute teeth clean (yes yes, twice a day) as I'm rushing out of the house or up to bed it will probably get more attention on the train!

Good to see you on your feet after this morning & hopefully the neck pain has alleviated somewhat?

Hi LB

Yes a sponsor is the ideal person to work through this with. But it can be anyone. The trouble with doing it alone is as a behavioural addict I have a history of misunderstanding my emotions & so getting another's perspective on my thoughts is essential. D

​

Morning LB.

Thanks for your post.

When I first stopped and came to this forum I honestly believed 3 months at the most, and I will be cured lol.how niave was I:)))

Still here 17 months later 0)))))

To be honest I still take every day one day at a time, because I know I will never be cured/over it, when I look back now, which I can't help but think back at times because reminders are everywhere in my everyday life lol, I do find it had to digest that that person when in the grip of gambling was really me0((( but it was but that is ok (most of the time now)

I am learning that my recovery is a slow process but as long as I stay with my recovery, I am optimistic, dare I say positive yes I will, that I can live a normal(ish) life along side of this dangerous ridiculous addiction,

We all have individual recoveries, even though we are all on the same rollercoaster ride, whether it be day 1 or 8000 plus lol

I take everything one day at a time, I play by ear, thinking one step ahead around vulnerable times and situations, and I keep my guard permantly tightly up, hey LB, I was so devious with my gambling, I just try now to be just as devious with my recovery, if that makes sense lol, hope this helps.

Suzanne xxx

Just a hi ☺

Good to see you strong and moving away from self destruction one day at a time. Hope back feels better! Definitely right, stresses in life does affect us physically (fact....my own fact lol).

I was getting up with my neck "out of place" recently, but this is down to stacking pillows up i noticed :-/ (i prob sleeping near enough being sat lol)...thinking of that Chinese bed..ya know - with pins! And that would be a night sleep to remember huh! ☺ lol

KOKO - keep on keeping on

All the best dear soldier

Thank you Odaat, Suzanne and Dan for your responses. As always, it's good to get support from you all.

So, the Osteopath's unlocking of the floodgates has left my mind going over the past and I've found myself questioning (again) how I have got to this point. The thing is, I really do know the answer and I'm not sure why I feel the need to keep questioning it. I've had countless sessions of counselling and therapy using a variety of integrated approaches, and I do believe that I've uncovered all there is to uncover. So, I'm going to put it all down here in an attempt to get it out of my mind once and for all.

Death, sadness and grief have felt like hey have always been a part of my life. All my grandparents had died before I was born and so I never knew any of them.I was the only girl at school who didn't have a nanny and grandad.My dad's father had died in a freak accident when he was 7 and a week later he was split up from his sisters and was evacuated to live with people he'd never met.He never spoke about his parents and kept all his grief inside. "Kids are resillient" was a favourite phrase of his. My Mum, on the other hand, fully felt her grief and carried it around with her. I don't think she ever really got over losing her parents, particularly her Mum. She'd gone into hospital to give birth to my eldest sister and her Mum had caught pneumonia.Four days later as she left hospital with her little baby her Mum had died and had already been buried. She never even got to see her.Years later, she would still be talking about it. My Dad also lost a brother (at 42) and a niece (17) and my Mum's brother died at just 39.There were family friends and my best friend's brother along the way who also died. Growing up, it felt like loss was always just around the corner.

Fast forward to the loss of my Mum when I was 21, then my Dad and then my sister. Add to that my sons diagnosis of autism ( which felt like a loss, as the child that I thought I had and the future that I thought was ahead was suddenly gone).All of these things, combined with some of the distorted thinking patterns that I learnt growing up, helped to get me to the point where gambling took a hold on my life. After my sister died, I was so certain that I didn't want to be like my Mum in her grief that I think I went too far the other way. She'd always seemed so sad about it (even years later) and I was determined to live life to the full and not let death affect me any more. I'd had enough of grief...I'd had my fair share. I hadn't really grieved properly for my mum or dad at this point, but my sister's death felt like it was going to push me over the edge. So, I hid from it. Great holidays, spending, eating, drinking....living life to the full. But however much I ran from it, the sadness followed me. I didn't want my kids to see me so unhappy (in the way that I'd seen my Mum) and I felt that after a while people would be sick of hearing about it. Although, the truth was I rarely talked about it to anyone. The chatter was all in my head....constantly going around and around. I went to see psychics to try to get to speak to them (mad or what? but at the time they gave me some comfort). My husband did the best he could to support me but he would be the first to admit that he was out of his depth. Everyone in his family was alive and kicking and his only experience of death was of his very elderly grandaprents, which although sad, wasn't life changing for him. I began to think that I would be next and was terrified that my kids would have to grieve for me. I became scared of things....flying, driving on motorways, terrorist attacks, tunnels. This all went on for quite a few years, with me slowly sinking deeper and deeper. It was never apparent to anyone though.One of the big things that I learnt growing up was never to show you're vulnerable, always put on a smile and don't let people know you're struggling. On the outside I was my ususal happy, fun outgoing self. The kids were always a priority, I did all the right Mummy things, there was food on the table and love in my heart for them.I was determined that my unhappiness wouldn't affect them. but it was in those hours of the day (and night) when they were at school and I was on my own that the darkness would come down and the tears would fall. After flailing around stuffing my emotions down for far too long, I finally went and got some help.It was the best thing I have ever done. I learnt a lot about myself and why I behave as I do. I learnt things that I was able to change, and I also learnt to stop hurting myself with my thoughts and actions. The biggest lesson was that I'm actually quite a good person and that although there are things I might want to change, I'm happy with who I am.

So, why am I writing all this now? Because I want to get it out there and acknowledge that this is the past. It isn't the present and I don't know what the future will be. Given my life story it's not suprising that at times I've felt a bit sorry for myself and that's ok. It's ok that the little girl inside me says "it's not fair" and it's ok that I would want to change those losses if it were possible. It's ok that I still have moments when I miss them, or when I wish things were different. It's ok to see mums and daughters out shopping and feel a pang for what I'm missing, it's ok that there are times when I feel sorry for myself as I realise that all my friends still have both their parents alive and well.It's ok that that I sometimes feel an overwhelming loneliness or that I cry unexpectedly at certain songs or if I see an old couple walking along hand in hand.I's even ok that I turned to gambling to help me hide from the pain, because at the time I really needed something to soothe me and I could have chosen something so much worse.

So, that's it dear diary. That's how I got here. And from now on, I'm going to try my absolute hardest to let the thoughts of the past drift out of my mind and not to spend time thinking about them. The past is the past, and the truth is that I actually have a very blessed present. I've got lovely kids, a nice house, fantastic husband, good friends, and a great set of family from my husband's side.I feel like I've kicked gambling into touch and I'm busy filling my life with activities and hobbies that are fun and fullfilling.Life is good, and I need to remember that.

LifeBegins x

LB,

It's good to write stuff down and get if off your chest, and as we get older ( hark at me:)) lol, obviously we carry more painful memories,your painful memories of bereavement started when you were very young, and it looks like you have carried a very heavy weight on your shoulders for years. I hope that by writing all that down your shoulders feel a lot lighter.

It's tough to write stuff down and share, but you know you have come to the right place to unload, your diary on this amazing forum.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts LB,

Suzanne xxx

(((LB)))