Every Day Is A Second Chance

Thanks LB, and so pleased to see our junnieee giving you a hug, things are looking up for all of us lol, as long as we KWTW lol.

Suzanne xxx

Hi LB

Such an honest and touching post. Thank you for sharing.

Understanding our behaviours due to the past is never ending process and I'm very proud of you! You have accepted things you cannot change, found courage to change the ones you can and gained wisdom to know the difference.

I related to a lot of your last post. My story is completely different from yours....but there is a similarity of self blame and sadness. I had questions in my head as "why me?" for all my life (of course due to different circumstances) ..but i soothe myself by constant reminder - "better me than someone else".
You went over something you didn't have a say in and it was out of your hands to make any changes towards saddening events...it would of deeply affected anyone, even the most tough soul.. this is natural, this is human, this is life.

Yet..you grew stronger ☺ you passed all your love and care and safety for your little ones and other half! That's my friend is more than you could of done!

Life is good ☺ - music to these ears!

Keep being kind to you, keep winning...tears are turning into the smile - embrace it ☺

S x

Hi LB thanks for your input earlier , It really has started to make me want to find out whats pushing my buttons ? and I find that by writing all this stuff down on a diary page is going to bring me an answer , It may sound silly but when I read back over my post's, I seem to look deeper into who I am and how I arrived at this point in my life , [It feels very theraputic ] !! Congratulations to you on the big 60 !! keep up the good work LB . Alan x

Morning diary...day 63.

Feeling good today. I've been having a recurring dream for years now. In it, I'm living in a house but there are lots of rooms where the doors are closed. When I first started having the dream, I used to feel really scared and would never open the doors. Then (about the time I began counselling) I'd open the doors to the rooms but feel really frightened as I walked around. I'd wake up hyperventilating with my heart pounding and would be left feeling a bit off kilter for the day. As time has gone on, I've gone into more and more rooms in the house, always feeling anxious but going in anyway. There's nothing scary in there...they're just rooms ( a bathroom, a few bedrooms, a swimming pool!). There's no monsters or bogey men about to pounce, but the dream always unnerves me. I had the dream again last night but this time it was different. as I went into the rooms, they'd all changed. They'd been decorated and modernised ( they were in a 70s time warp before) and I liked them and felt pleased that they were in my house. I still woke up unsettled, but much less distressed, and now I'm excited as I'm seeing it as a really positive thing. I can't help but feel that the dream is symbolic of my mind and my journey through all of the madness. The rooms were the emotions I didn't want to face, but I've gone into them anyway and they've become less scary over time....to this point where they've changed and I'm ok with them. Hurrah....progress at last 🙂

Feeling good, feeling positive. Gambling is the last thing on my mind right now.

OAU.

LifeBegins x

Hi LB . Thanks for you kind comments , I just felt I've suppressed so much for so long and the forum and diary allow me the freedom to explore and also unravel my life . Honesty to myself is something thats been lacking but not anymore !!. Glad you've allowed the decorator's in and that you prefer the new color scheme !! Well done you , Keep up the good work ! Alan who will not gamble today .... x

Hi girl,

Thanks for your post! ☺
A bit of insomnia going on tonight lol..well..been 3 nights at work straight so that's not unusual for me 😉
To answer your question...my diary is like a puzzle, it makes sense for me cause all along i put pieces together, but maybe just adding "in between the lines posts" clues..no point reading it to figure it out lol..only i can understand my creativity
Our lives are similar..pain, regret, questions..but ya know i only realised not long ago that after all - my past shaped me into the person i am now! And I'm not to bad...☺..still fighting, still working out, still letting it all go.

Work in progress applies to all of us on here 🙂

Thanks for being you and sharing your story, truly inspiration, truly amazing

Keep on keeping on girl..tipu tapu☺ (one step at a time)

Ps. I guess I'm on the same page as u...house in the need of decorating more vibrant colours ☺...we will get there xx

S x

Stressful start to the morning. Why can my daughter never be ready on time? Drives me absolutely barking mad. Found myself nagging about it (again) and the usual row occurs. Not a great start to the day. My mind wanders to "where did I go wrong as a parent? How can it be that she can be so inconsiderate, what should I have done differently"...then I catch myself. I didn't do anything wrong. She's a typical self absorbed pain in the behind teenager.

I realise that this is a trigger for me. In the past it would definitely have led to a session online. Instead, I've had a vent whilst in the shower ( outloud..no-one around...bit potty but who cares?!) and a read through some diaries. I'm putting it down here so I'll remember it for the future. Feel calm again now and the twinge has passed.

LifeBegins x

Day 65.

Yesterday was a difficult and emotional day but I got through it without using any of my usual crutches. Just faced it head on, rode the emotional waves and remembered to breath 🙂

Feeling strong and positive today. Getting lots of odds and sods done, starting new things and generally got a bit of a spring in my step.

Happy days 🙂

LifeBegins x

Lovely post LB, HDs indeed

Suzanne xxx

Hey lovely diary...day 69 for me.

It's been quite a week...one which I'm really glad to see the back of. A few emotional and difficult days and a whole s**t storm going on around a family member. All things that would have had me depositing on an online casino in the past. But I'm pleased to say I haven't gone down that road and, as difficult and exhausting as it's been, I haven't even really felt any very strong urges to turn to what used to be my number one source of comfort and escape. How amazing is that? Instead I've been putting action behind my words and facing it all head on. It's been hard, but I've done it and now things are feeling calmer again.

Life without those online slots is so much better. When I first gave up I couldn't imagine how I was going to live without them. What would I do for excitement? Life was going to be so boring. What would I do when I was feeling stressed or upset? What would I do with all those hours in the day? How would I ever cope with all the urges? But I'm doing it and it's no where near as bad as I'd imagined it would be. The longer I stay away the easier it gets and all of those questions have found their answers. My days are full with other things, I'm coping with stress and my emotions in a much healthier way and life is far from boring!

My Jedi mind reading osteopath told me that she feels it's as though I've been in a cocoon and I'm ready to emerge as a butterfly....blinking slightly at the sun but ready to live a new full and happy life. I personally think she could be slightly bonkers but on this occasion I'm happy to say that I think she's got it right 🙂

Even after such a difficult week, I can honestly say life's good.

LifeBegins x

Hey LB,

Page 4??! :-0 ..let's bring you bk where you belong shall we ☺

Thank you for your recent post. Slap my wrists indeed and i haven't got much blocks in place. I had gamblock on my phone but it start playing up with my apps and i chose to tk it off (slap my wrists again 🙁 )..i had my tablet taken away by one great person from this forum but now got it bk, it has no blocks either but I'm not using it..maybe a flying lesson will b booked if urges gets too strong). I guess I'm quite open to gambling and i know i need more blocks in place, walking on broken glass recently so few changes might b lined up soon.

Really pleased for you and just look how great you're doing in ur recovery. It gifts life back as you see, many positive changes on the way, keep reaping the benefits abstinence gifts - they will not stop coming...keep choosing NO!

Take care, keep posting

S x

Thanks Sandra....it was lovely to hear from you. I'll pop over to you soon and write a proper reply x

Day 80 for me!! I can hardly believe it Actually, that's not really true as I knew when I began that if I was really serious about recovery and if I did what I needed to do to make the changes, then I would get to where I am today. But still, 80 days? I'm going to give myself a pat on the back.

It hasn't been easy...and there have been a lot of tears along the way...but I'm feeling the best I've felt in years! I'm sleeping well, my life feels calm, I'm doing more and that gnawing, nagging, guilty feeling has gone. That's probably the part that feels the best. I can look at my husband without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt knowing that I've been lying to him. I'd forgotten how it felt to have a calm mind and now that I have it, I'm not prepared to throw it all away.

I used to feel that gambling was a compulsion. When the thought came into my mind it felt as though I had no control over it. I HAD to act on it....however much my voice of reason would argue against it, I always gave in. I felt as though I had no control. I felt as though I had no choice. However,one of biggest realisations now that I'm away from the beast is that it is a choice. It was a choice I made back then to gamble and it's a choice I make right now not to. I'm the only person responsible for my actions and although in my gambling days I would have argued strongly that I couldn't help myself, I now know the truth. By choosing not to gamble I'm also choosing to live 🙂

LifeBegins x

Hi LB,

80 days is something to be very proud of on this hard journey.

Well done you,

Keep strong and keep your guard up, and of course keep choosing NO

Suzannexxx

Hello diary...day 86.

I'm sorry that I've been neglegting you a bit lately. Life's been really busy and I don't seem to have much time to sit down and write on here. But I know that I should, as it's important to keep my mind focused on my recovery. I really don't want to become complacent about it, and I am aware that it's easy to let things slip as the days go on. I'm feeling settled at the moment and the emotional rollercoaster seems to have been going along a nice flat section for a while...for which I'm very grateful. I've had a few urges (usually in response to TV adverts) but nothing that I haven't been able to cope with. I was just reading over my first few days on here and my feelings back then were so raw. It's good for me to go back and remember how I felt....I never want to go back to that dark place again.

And, as everyone knows, the only way to ensure that I don't go back there is to keep saying "no", taking it one day at a time, moving onwards and upwards, stepping forwards never backwards and remembering that I cannot win, because I cannot stop. Such great words, from such a great group of people on such a great forum. I'm so glad I found my way here.

LifeBegins x

Morning LB,

Thanks for your message and understanding me lol, Yes whatever life throws at us gambling is not the answer, it's self destructive medicine, it lies through its teeth with this me time, 0)))

We live in a glass house looking out, but as long as we keep cleaning the fragile glass, we won't get hurt lol.

Keep strong and keep going.

Suzanne xxx