Fallen Mans Recovery Diary

We'll done mate and keep it going just sent my wee man off to first day of nursery today , my kids deserve the best , not a f ed up dad with debts !

Journal Day Seven

Yesterday passed without incident. No urge to gamble, still feeling flat though I think I will for some time.

I am trying to count yesterday as something of a victory as Monday night is when generally I would start gambling. Id head to the airport and would be on my iphone in the car, Id then sit and have a beer in the airport and continue once I was through security. Id often still be gambling on the plane with another drink next to me and then again in the car that picks me up on the other side Id whip the Iphone out again. Sometimes I would still be gambling on the Iphone way into the small hours of Tuesday morning, normally with a drink by my side again.

No more.

Yesterday at the airport I was determined that I wouldnt follow that path anymore. This represents a clean break for me. I arrived at the airport earlier than usual and had time to kill. I didnt go to a bar, I had a MacDonalds (BBQ chicken legend for those that are interested) and just moped around the airport with my head down. I saw happy faces all around me, people in stupid t-shirts on a stag do to Shagaluf, families excited to be jetting off to sunnier climbs, and lovers toasting their romance and staring into each others eyes. I felt alone and removed from it all. Im used to this to some extent, travelling alone for business every week divides you from the holiday makers but yesterday was different. I filled my time by browsing shops filled with glittering gadgets I can no longer afford, and alcohol I cant dare to down.

I felt relieved when I boarded the plane and settled down to watch a film, and I actually did relax for a while, I forgot it all for bit. I dont know why but I ordered a beer on the plane, a 330 ml can of stella, the first alcohol I have tasted since last Tuesday when everything changed. I think possibly I wanted to test myself or just to be "normal" for a bit, like a normal guy with normal problems.

It tasted good, but I left it at that, and ordered water to follow.

I worked in the car on the way to final destination, gambling simply didnt enter my head. I arrived tired, and the thought crossed my mind that I could have a nightcap, as i so often would (which would herald the start of something more) when I arrived here late at night. I didnt though, something made me ask "why ?", Instead I poured a large glass of water, crossed off the days on the calendar I have added to my wall here (I cant do this at home where it would be seen, but here I have a calendar that has an X through every day that i havent gambled, and I also note what if anything I have had to drink) - It feels like Ive been on quite a journey already but looking at those X's on the calendar... it doesnt look like much. It doesnt look like anywhere near as much distance as I would like to see between the old me that gambled and was busy f*****g up my life, and the new me that despises myself and would give anything to go back to a time before this all took hold. I collapsed into bed.

Another day done.

Ill give it time as everyone suggests, and I dont have any worries about my resolve currently. I just wish I didnt feel so low whilst doing this, I should feel better because Im fighting now, but I feel so low, and numb.

Ill be back tomorrow. Keep on keeping on everyone, thanks again for keeping me afloat.

FM.

Hi FM...surely these feelings of "withdrawal" akin to "cold turkey" are normal in the course of abstinence? Plus of course, you were away from home - all the time your "security blanket" aka "gambling" prodding your brain cells?!! Your resolve is strong but permanently tested. DONT EVER GIVE IN. You can do this. WE CAN DO THIS. You are ao supportive to everyone on this site, especially with your technical 'know-how'. You are doing so well - don't take any more of the poison!!! Helen. X

Hi mate and well done for another day gamble free ! It's tough at the start your bound to be going over the past losses and where it's brought you ! The reward part of your brain is missing its gambling hit and it's protesting , which will explain the low moods ! It gets easier with time and learning that you can live without gambling , a much brighter life ! Son calling me , take care and congrats on breaking that habit travelling !

thanks guys. your replies made me get a little dust in the eye. I really appreciate your support.

Helen what you say makes sense. I guess its cold turkey, like any other addiction. Dont worry, I wont break. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start coming out of the other side. I think once I start seeing money coming in and I can start paying back everything... Ill be a lot happier. I think currrently Im still floating as ive not yet been able to positively affect the debts (listen to me eh, I still want everything *now*, I need to learn to earn the positives I think). Thanks so much for saying I have helped. I was thinking the other day, Ive tried whenever I have time to make sure if I see a new post with no reply that I jump in and say something - even if its to just reiterate the basic tenets of recovery or to pass on what Ive been told by other helpful souls here. I do this because I know how horribly alone I felt, and how that really made me have some very dark thoughts. I dont want anyone else new coming here to feel like that.

But then I also think "should I really be doing this ?", "im new myself, Im no counsellor and am I really in a position to give advice - we are all fragile when we first come here, and as a newbie I dont want to say the wrong thing and give someone bad advice". I guess the truth is really none of us has the all explaining one answer. I almost PM'd admin the other day to ask whether I should be replying to people in the new members section or giving advice, I didnt know whether it was the right thing to do.

Cheers Gav. You make sense, as always. I will have to relearn to enjoy other things, and hopefully as you say it will get easier. I am still very new to this, so its all a bit of a surprise. Hope you have a good afternoon with your son, that is what this recovery malarky is all about. Stay strong mate, and hope the session on Thursday goes well.

FM.

You are doing so well FM, keep at it.

I know what you mean about the new posts with no reply, I also feel I want to say something as I too felt very alone when I joined this site. Knowing there are other people who have been, or going, through the same as us helps so much. None of us are experts, we only have our own tale to tell, but just a few words of support and encouragement can help a newbie to feel they have come to the right place to help kick this addiction into touch.

Just like you I felt lost after a few days of abstaining. I am not sure if the novelty of not gambling, the realisation of what I had done or the fact my life seemed so empty was the culprit but I am trying to occupy myself more with things I used to enjoy (free things let me add as money is very tight) before I was caught in the nightmare. If you have read my diary you will see I decided to fight adversity with a bit of humour (always works for me) and wrote the tale of the Princess and her Magic Machine.

Writing is therapeutic so keep posting. You cannot give bad advice, like I said we are all telling our own tale and yours comes from the heart. It means a lot to others so carry on.

You can do this.

Elfie x

Journal Day Eight

Well thats another day down. Yesterday I was very stressed, chest pains the lot. Its not just the recovery itself I should add, currently there is some unrest at work and there has been talk of prematurely ending the contracts of a lot of us here. I am keeping fingers crossed that doesnt happen, but I got into it in my head yesterday and couldnt shake the idea that for my recovery to be successful I really need at least a few straight months of good earnings to try and start to put things right financially, if I was to lose this position now Id be screwed..... well, more screwed. So I spent yesterday winding myself into a bit of a knot.

I ended up being invited to dinner with some of the indian lads we work with here, and they cooked us all dinner at their apartment. I ended up drinking (3 x 500ml cans of 4.6% beer, but i did leave it at that) as it was hard not to when everyone else was doing so, and in the end I actually did relax, enjoy the home cooked food, and forget myself for a while. Interestingly even though 3 beers was enough for me to relax and feel like I had had a drink, I still had absolutely no thoughts of gambling which was reasurring (I am still going to stick to sobriety for a bit longer though I think, as I used to see alcohol as an enabler to gambling).

I have decided to start and set targets, roughly doubling them with each milestone. Maybe ill even have some money to reward myself with something, or take the missus out for the night (although I wont be able to let her know what we are celebrating) in time when i begin to hit them. Im going to try the following:

1) two weeks

2) one month

3) two months

4) four months

5) eight months

6) a year

(i know my maths isnt exact but hey). Lets see how i do.

Still have the low feelings at the moment but I think I feel a little better than i did at the start of the week now, and I should hear some news about the contract here later today so Im hoping that will be good rather than bad, and I can focus more on recovery with one less stressor to worry about.

@Elfie - Thanks very much for your kind words they mean a lot, its reassuring to know that other people are going through the same feelings, and still progressing well with recovery. Your diary is indeed one of the ones I have been reading. I enjoyed your take on things using the Princess story, I really felt for you whilst reading it as i understand the sadness underneath the humour and like all of us here, as soon as i started reading I knew how the story would end (well, not "end" as you are still writing it by recovering, but I read with trepdiation knowing where it was going).

I used to love to write, and I am known in my circle of friends for writing long and funny emails - often poking fun at myself and my surroundings. I just havent been able to get to a place where I felt strong enough to be humorous about the gambling yet - maybe in time ill take a leaf out of your book and start injecting some of my old humour into these posts 🙂 . I will continue to read your diary so keep posting, and keep recovering - success stories give all of us hope !.

Thanks everyone. Onwards with another day !

FM.

Morning FM! Am glad to read you're "hanging on in there"....I know the work situation with the threat of ending contracts will be stressing you out. I think you're astute enough to prepare strengthening your resolve so as not to 'fall'. You and I came to the "diaries" roughly the same time - like you, I was so very appreciative of the support which most importantly continues. WE DO NEED IT. I am finding that the more time I spend on the site is, in itself, very therapeutic. I enjoy reading your posts - for that very reason. Have been feeling very sorry for 'Cheryl' - she recently fell from the gambling wagon after a lengthy period of abstinence and now finds herself in a chronically difficult financial situation - she had offered me so much support when I came to this site..... "There but for the grace of God....etc" ....I so hope I can beat this thing. Am feeling strong right now bit it's payday for me on Friday - urges were kicking in last night just thinking about it - will STAY COMMITTED - I have the barriers in place but my devious side has come up trumps before!!!! WE're DOING OK!!! Keep going. Catch up soon! Helen. X

All sounds positive mate , all the best with the contract!

FM

Fella thanks for the kind words you posted upon my thread,it means a great deal that my ramblings may inspire others to invest themselves in their own recovery.

Truth is fella I have walked in your shoes,like the folk who took the time out of their own lives to post and support me upon my journey I choose to do the same myself.

Someone much wiser than me wrote,to recover you have to give your recovery away.

In the support you are offering others you are doing just that,keep doing it fella,use it as therapy for yourself.

There is no right or wrong way to do this,there is just an end result we all share the goal of.

That is to arrest the destruction of the next punt,because if we can stop it then it won't lead to another bet.

For us there is no cure,magic potion or instant solution

There is a life choice

Take time to savour it fella,take time to enjoy the fact you are in the winners enclosure,ironically the place addiction had you believe the reason you gambled.

The truth is the mantra we live by whilst gambling is reversed

I DID WIN BECAUSE I DID STOP

yes there is immediate fallout to deal with,financial and emotional when we enter recovery but rest assured life will improve on both counts

That comes with hard work and a daily effort

But as a dear friend in my GA room often states

'if you give recovery but half the effort you gave your gambling the results will be outstanding'

He is profoundly right

My advice enjoy it

Recovery is a gift,one only you can give to yourself

I salute you for doing so

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Wise words as always Duncan . How did the contract pan out mate ?

Hi Gav,

Im run off my feet today, but will update my diary a bit later on (yesterday was another gamble and alcohol free day though!).

After hearing all sorts of chinese whispers for the last few days (there is an ongoing edict to cut costs here which has fueled a lot of this) we finally got to attend a meeting here where surfaced that our department will not be affected, there are in fact not enough contractors to sustain it, rather than the other way around. I was very relieved to hear this as having to scramble for another job in the middle of my current situation would have really been next to impossible. So Im safe for now, and this should buy me the time I need.

Good luck for your GA session today mate, I hope it goes well and helps you - please come back here and share any words of wisdom you are given that you think might apply to our cases as well.

Cheers again for looking in on me !. Stay strong mate. Ill be back to update properly later.

FM.

Hi Fm

Glad things are looking better workwise. No need for added stress in your life at the moment.

You are doing well in your recovery, it is never easy but then no-one ever said life would be easy no matter what your circumstances. I am a great believer that whatever happens in our lives makes us into the person we are today. So, by that very thought, has being a CG for years made us more tolerant, compassionate and understanding of others' circumstances? I like to think so. As my Gran used to say "we're all going to hell in a hand-basket", Not sure what she meant but we did indeed go, didn't like it so we are on our way back! I think I might post these snippets of wisdom on my diary. Very lazy so I will copy and paste.

Looking forward to your next update. Keep strong.

Elfie x

Hi fm, I've been following your diary,your doing good my friend.

I too have had job security worries,everything is still up in the air at present, nothing I can do, tho I have been guaranteed a job of some sorts.

Glad your situation has been cleared up, don't know about you, its made me more determined than ever to beat this addiction.

All the best trigger.

Hi guys, I have just joined and found inspiration from your posts. Addiction is a terrible affliction and only those who have suffered it can truly understand what we go through. Like you FM I have to keep mine a secret as I promised that I would stop and could not bear the look of betrayal I would see if I was found out. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am sure if I come on here every day and talk to you, I will conquer this monster. You are an incredibly good writer FM. What do you comfort a living? I am 65 and first got introduced to slots by my mother at the age of 18! The stupid thing is, it DOES not make you happy, so why do we do it. The casinos always win and even if we have a good win we always put it back, plus more, so what makes us do it? Is it boredom or stupidity or is it something more physical, like a chemical release in our brain that simply makes us do it? I hope you reply to my post and if you do I look forward to a friendship and support system where I can feel totally understood. Bye for now and wish me luck! Jos X