Fallen Mans Recovery Diary

Just got through my first day of not gambling. So far so good, filled my day with lots of activities. I am full of good intentions, let's see how long the monster leaves me alone. Good night and keep fighting. x

Hi Tuppy,

Hi !. Glad to hear you have started to seek help and are on your own path to recovery here, it has really helped me and I hope it will do the same for you. I cannot find a new user thread or diary for you - have you created one yet ?. They are good tools for recovery.

Feel free to drop me a message if you need some support, I cannot be here all the time (as the last few days have shown !) as like you I am trying to progress my recovery on my own, which means I only log in here when I can, but Ill check my messages as much as I can and will always be happy to reply to you - I think one of the greatest assets gamcare has is the sense of community and camaraderie present on this board, it’s a light in the darkness of recovery.

Thanks for your comments on my writing. I love to write when I get the time, usually my prose is more humorous then you will see here. Maybe in time that will change, but right now I am using the diary to simply record all the thoughts and feelings I have during recovery to help myself and all the other people going through this with me here. Workwise, I am a software consultant - which is as glamorous and s**y as boiled cabbage, but it is something I happened into by accident in life and it pays the mortgage (if you don’t gamble it away !).

I have no idea what drives us to gamble. I know for me it has always been synonymous with gadgets and technology - even when young the flashing lights drew me in. FBOTs and Online slotting were a natural progression of this, and I think the notion that you can “win big” despite the fact that it seldom happens (you only need one big win to make your brain think “I can do this again” wow !) is an obvious draw. I have heard others on here talk about what their “triggers” were, and resolving those. For me I suspect that because I do not have the best homelife/relationship I got into a destructive pattern, my second life where I cut loose and could do what I wanted to do spiraled out of control I ended up drinking more than I should and gambling as a “treat” to myself. It was my escape, some guys might have found solace in the arms of another woman, I found mine at the online casinos, I was stupid. However before I had realized the damage my escape was causing me, it became habitual and began to take over. I do not know how to sort out my home life, but I do know that it cannot involve gambling as some form of “release”. You are right in what you say, for a compulsive gambler there is no “winning” so the big wins are irrelevant, that was a big learning curve for me and one that I think has been instrumental in my recovery. I wish you all the luck in the world with your recovery, life is better without compulsive gambling.

Keep on keeping on,

FM

Journal Day 14.

Hi guys and gals.

Firstly, apologies for my absence. Work has been just insane in the last week and the only real times I could have updated the diary would have meant sneaking around and doing this at home where quite apart from the risk of being caught doing so, I am DONE with sneaking around with my Iphone. That just reminds me of my gambling days.

So.

Thank you all for your support as always, although I haven’t posted I have managed to log in and quickly have a read and it always helps to see like minded people spurring you on, or to read the successes others are having with their respective recoveries.

It was a real weight off to hear that all is well (as well as it can ever be in the world of contract work anyway) workwise. I feel like I can concentrate on getting a few solid months of money paid off debts, and to just knuckle down and get on with normal life, and putting some distance between me and the old gambling me.

In terms of abstinence I am doing well, I feel like the gambling is a world away. It’s a little like waking up from a dream that you cannot quite remember all of, I know I did it but the thoughts, feelings, urges of the gambling me are gone, resigned to a foggy past in my mind.

The only interesting opposite/diversion from this is that I lay awake one night recently when sleep was proving hard to attain and I found myself thinking about a slot I used to play a lot previously. I cannot really explain this but I was just thinking through the mechanics of the slot, remembering past wins and losses, etc but it didn’t in anyway make me want to try it again. The juxtaposition between “thinking about a slot” and “not actually having an urge to play it” confuses me a little, but then I daydream a lot and I have always thought/lamented more than I should - I always said my subconscious mind was too stupid to be left in charge of my mouth, and shouldn’t be let out on its own, so perhaps it was just me working through things in my head ?.

Alcohol wise (not entirely sure why I am tracking alcohol consumption here as well as gambling, but for the purposes of continuity Ill stick with it). I have abstained save for a couple of drinks, one pint of beer at the airport last Thursday night, and two pints of beer on Saturday this weekend.

The debts I have accrued are still a worry (they are far from insurmountable, but I still worry how far my stupidity has set me (and by proxy) my family, back) and again, this week when I got to my apartment out here and added some more crosses to the calendar….. it looks like not much of a recovery, as I said last time I really want to put some distance between me and gambling, I would like to see page after page of crosses on that calendar, I would feel …. I think I am just looking to feel “that was a long time ago”, “those mistakes were another me”, “ive changed” etc and I need the passage of time to be able to allow myself to do that, maybe that’s what I want.

Being practical about it, I need to be happy with what I have achieved so far I know, and I am, honestly.

In other news my 0% CC has been approved with a 20K limit for 32 months. I am transferring the CC card debt (8K total, about 1K of which was gambling debt) to this to manage that a bit better. I have also continued to sell random stuff (computer parts I don’t need, but would have kept if I could as I like gadgets and having enough hardware on hand to set up something resembling a NASA mission control station in my spare room appeals to me for reasons I cannot explain) via auction sites, and I have liquidated what little shares I still had at a loss, but I am continuing to dump small amounts of cash into my current account. I will use everything I can get my hands on to put dents in the debts. I am speaking to a new accountant this week who can hopefully get my business accounts in order as well (not gambling related, but should help to un-muddle the state I have gotten myself into whilst generally ignoring everything else that really needed my attention in the pursuit of the flashing lights and spinning reels).

I did think last night how strange it felt to be selling things on auction sites for 30, 70, 120 etc quid, and having these amounts “mean” something, as opposed to how virtual or unreal it felt to win many times that in an instant on the slots …. Or indeed to lose that and more. The two definitions of sums of money are the same, 70 here in post gambling world is the exact same thing as 70 quid there in the old gambling world but…. Back there it felt like nothing, Id deposit that over and over again in the space of an hour. Here it feels like a solid lump of cash, although sadly a lot less than I need to put myself back in the black, but it feels …. Tangible, real.

Right. I am rambling somewhat now, so I will sign off !.

Thanks again everyone for your support, stay strong and keep abstaining.

FM

Journal Day 15

Hi Folks,

I forgot to say yesterday, that was my first target reached. 14 days (when I say that I can hear the slightly underwhelming noise of a party horn going off) ... why does that still feel like a bit of a damp squib ?.

Another day down though. No urges to gamble at all. I was going to stick with the no alcohol idea again, but I caved and drank two small glasses of red wine in the end.

Work being busy at the moment is definitely playing to my advantage, I took a load of work back to my flat and spent last night working and cooking.

Another busy day is looming large, so I had better get on !. Stay strong and stay gamble free people.

FM

Hi FM! Good to see you back - for all the RIGHT reasons of course! Thanks for posting on my diary---"every little helps" as the saying goes. You're doing very well and your determination shows. Keep going. We can beat this thing! Take care. Helen. X

Hi FM, Glad to see you on here again, and doing well! The alcohol part is my major downfall, I cant drink normally , I over indulge. I havent been here in a while as I've relasped 3 times in a space of a week or so, and have been embarasssed ashamed and dismayed.

But keep the good work up things sounding positive, will hopefully inspire me to kick myself up the ar+e and get myself sorted!

Journal Day Sixteen

--apologies not sure what happened here, double post.

if a mod sees this one, please delete this post.

FM.

Hi FM

Every day you abstain will make you stronger and more determined

Keep going,stay positive, and very well done on 16 days

Suzanne x

Journal Day Sixteen

Another day with a big "X" on the calendar. No gambling for me, or thoughts thereof. Gambling is still very prevalent in my mind (I think mainly because I am visiting this site daily) but only from the aspect of "recovery from it" I have no wish to engage in gambling, its "something I used to do" in my mind now.

Spent last night working again, partly as I think its helping me to have something to focus on and partly because I am really busy currently and could do with the extra hours. I drank two small glasses of red wine last night and then switched to water.

Still very much struck by the fact that I want to put more time between myself and my past, but thats just me trying to rush things along. One day at a time, slow down, de-stress - I will keep telling myself this.

Thanks all for your ongoing support. Keep abstaining people.

FM.

Journal Day Seventeen

Back home today but have a couple of minutes to myself so I thought I'd check in. Yesterday passed without incident -no urges or compulsion to gamble in the slightest. I feel like I'm beginning to slip back into normal life a bit now, there is definitely a void left by gambling that I need to fill (and should really do so with something healthy/worthwhile like going to the gym) I think it was gav that warned me this would happen - I don't have any want or need to refill that void with gambling again, but it has made me aware that there was a gap, in me and in my life that gambling filled. I have yet to work out what to do about that, I think in part I've replaced gambling with coming here if that makes any sense.

I've got to do a VAT return soon, and that will mean looking at my bank accounts, that scares me a bit I I'm honest and I've been putting it off as I know it will mean facing it all again, ill see the big numbers and the familiar names if I look, ill see the damage and the horrible slap round the face reminders of exactly what I did in all it's gory, 3D, high definition, detail.

Like I said before ill be far at happier when there is some more space between me and the old gambling me. A bank statements space, an on screen width of paypal account space, a bigger, wider band of "X"s on my calendar separating now and then would really go along way to making me feel more comfortable.

Keep on keeping on people, thanks for the support and have a gamble free weekend !

FM

Yeah I said that mate, something I too have to work on, but work on it we must!

Looking through the bank statements was a horrific experience for me. Sometimes over 20 deposits to one site in a day , and the industry tells us it looks out for problematic gamblers, I f** dont really think so!

I remember last year tallying up my wins and losses and coming up with a 18k loss and thinking , ohhh sh**T!

Us gamblers choose to remember the wins not the losses. The brain has a clever way of doing this, selective memories.

17 days is great, have a good weekend lad.

Hi FM

You are doing great and I know what you mean about bank statements and reminders of 'what once was' but that is the past now. Yes it will hurt to see the stupidity (not just yours, I wouldn't be so insulting to hurl the word stupid at you) but it's happened and is now over. Onwards, upwards, forwards, sideways - never backwards.

I too am struggling trying to fill the gap in my life post-gambling and will be going to my diary soon to confess what a lazy old trout I've been. But...baby steps!

Keep up the good work - life can only get better now.

Elfie x

Hey FM how you doing? Hope you're staying strong and resilient? We can ALL beat this thing.....keep going! Helen. X

Journal Day 19

Hi Helen ! - yup I am doing well thank you, just checked in on your diary as well glad to see we are both still on the straight and narrow !. Keep it up and thanks for checking in on me.

So. Thats another weekend done. No compulsion to gamble at all. It was my sons first birthday this weekend so I have spent the weekend helping him unwrap presents, and getting some good photos of the little man celebrating (in truth I am not sure he knew what was going on, but it was a good excuse to eat cake).

Last night I had a few ales (3 to be precise, and had had a couple of glasses of Wine at the birthday dinner in the afternoon), that is the most i have drunk in a while now, so Ill keep an eye on that this week - however I was pleased that gambling didnt even enter my head, the missus went to bed early and this would usually have been a prime time for me to squirrel myself away in the computer room and hit the slots. Not so this time, I stayed up, finished my pint and edited all the photos of the boy and his grandparents from the day (a much more productive use of my time, and for once that means family and friends can see the pics straight away, usually I take pictures and then as with all things gambling took up all my spare time, and I still have photos around 8 months old, waiting to be edited and uploaded ... of my son. Just another instance of me denying my family a duty a father should provide because I was a gambler). I am going to work my way through the further backlog of pictures as work permits in the evenings now too.

I still have the feelings of guilt, and I am still putting off looking at bank accounts, but overall this weekend was good. Oh, and one other odd thing -Friday night I had a really vivid dream about gambling in which i dreamed I was playing the slots at an online casino (one of my various "go-to" slot games which i knew well), I won a fair amount and then lost it all again (I dreamed through the reels, bonus feature, and scatter feature in very very vivid detail) I woke up still groggy and was full of guilt and shame, I was actually thinking "OH MY GOD I SPENT LAST NIGHT GAMBLING...." I felt dismayed as I had a flash of feelings of "if that means ive started again where will it all end ?" .. then as i rubbed the sleep from my eyes I realised it had all been a dream, and the relief washed over me.

has that happened to anyone else here ?.

Anyway. back to work - keep up the abstinence people !!.

Best Regards,

FM.

Alright mate, glad you had a good weekend, sounds like you has a great day for your sons first birthday! Spending time on productive things rather than spinning reels is great!

Yes I've had dreams like that, one very vivid one last week, where i kept on winning , going on mad spree, all very detailed, and pretty scary. Winning 70k odd which is obviously dream material !

Even in my dream the buzz seemed to be there, powerful addiction. I guess its our brain seeking that buzz through our subconscious. Im glad you lost in your dream, i seemed to just carry on winning!

Keep the good work up.