Festina Lente

A very good morning sir,

I must say it's really good to see you in and around the site again. I think somewhere between your milestone, my milestone and a holiday I haven't really been around the diaries too much.

400 days just on the horizon and that looks a very impressive number when written down. I think you said the other day you couldn't envisage ever reaching specific milestones but it must be an amazing thing to prove yourself wrong.

Love the little reminder there with the biscuits I must admit to a little chuckle that you succumbed and consumed the whole pack but what you say is 100% spot on we cannot be complacent. I have on occasions daydreamed that one day I would daydream into a bookies and be gambling before I have even realised. It's a scary thought for me and no matter how unrealistic it keeps me on my toes.

Like I said it's great to see your name appearing again and as always I wish you all the very best.

Flagg

Hey Mr Mcvitie,

You make a sunny day even brighter, love your posts , 400 days approaching,, WOW.....

Like mr flagg said its great to see you back and around the site again, you share your experience, strength and hope about gambling and life with such an amazing sense of fun and humour.

Enjoy those choccy biscuits... Yum Yum.

take care

Blondie x

Day 402, feel happy and strong. Just bought some ginger nuts, life's too short. I'll squirrel them away for a later date. Watched a bit of horse racing yesterday but it felt like watching P**n after being castrated. Never felt anything which is good progress I feel. My heart used to race as I would tense every muscle in my body in the hope of carrying my nag over the line. My brain felt elated, so alive, wonderful. Nothing yesterday though, the buzz is buried within me for now and long may it remain so. Can't put my finger on exactly why, I suppose if you wean yourself off something for long enough then the once hyperactive receptors in your brain associated with gambling subside significantly to the point where I find myself today. The worrying thing is though that I know it won't take much to require my brain into becoming the manic gambler I once was. A couple of harmless little bets here and there and I'm back on that merry go round wanting that greater and greater thrill.

I must defy that side of me for as long as possible. Future stress and emotional upheaval will lesson my resolve but nonetheless I must cling onto the knowledge of just one bet will end in misery, self loathing, hardship and shame. Every day I don't gamble I keep these wolves from my door.

It's been overall a good year for me, of course it hasn't all been 'a bed of roses' but mentally I'm in better shape to face life's challenges and make progress as a person. I've enjoyed those challenges and I'm grateful now, more than ever, for what I've got.

I won't say I've wasted nearly 30 years of my life through gambling for there are positives to be gained, however small, through acts of folly and neglect. If it took all those years of living the life of a compulsive gambler to reach this point then so be it. I can't change or live in the past, it's pointless. There is only now and the future. I have learned that to some extent I can shape those or at least how I react and interpret events.

I'm going back fishing for the first time this Thursday evening. The competitions are back on and I can't wait. Haven't fished for ages now but I really miss the banter, camaraderie and pettiness of those who choose to participate. I went down last week to say hello to them all and it gave my spirits a nice lift. This week, despite the odds, I shall murder them, not literally, and reclaim my title.

I shall be wearing tweed.

Ta ta

Steve

Hi Steve,

It was gr8 2 hear from u, thank u 4 ur support.

It's gr8 2 read that u r happy and staying strong, I'm proud of u 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

Yo,

How you have been rationing the ginger nuts lol

Thank you for your recent posts as usual you talk a lot of sense .

Looking forward to hearing if you bag a biggy on Thursday . Really hope the weather holds out and the fish are biting .

Shiny xxxxx

Morning Steve

Thanks for the post it was much appreciated and really helpful as they always are , looking at the big picture is advice I alwayg give but never to myself funny how we are always harder on ourselves but ur reminder did give me some comfort so again thank u

So pleased ur in a good place and again inspires many to carry on with our own journeys ur a fantastic example of what can be achieved and not be complacent with it

Enjoy the fishing

Castle2

Castle was right, and it's made me think. We are too hard on ourselves. I'm guilty of this. Always pushing and never satisfied or taking stock. Today I'm going to float through the day trying to appreciate every aspect and indulge myself in moments of calmness. Not teaching till 10 this morning and when I do I'm going to crank the gears back a few notches, step out of the situation, and appreciate things a little more. They'll think I'm back on the diazepam for my back but who cares, life's too important to be taken too seriously.

Today, efforts will be made to see beauty and tranquility in everything, a holiday for my mind.

Why not

Hippy Steve man.

Agree completely with this Lazarus - we are often far, far too hard on ourselves.

When I am gambling, I feel terrible about myself (understandably). When I abstain, all I focus on is the damage I've done, and how I am still not the person I should be. Even when things go well, I berate myself for not being more successful / happy / content. It is bizarre... when I am gripped by the gambling monster, I would crave a time like this - when I am free from gambling, sleeping OK, and taking sensible decisions in my life. But getting perspective is hard... it's a bit like having to re-train your brain all over again.

Keep up the good work pal, and enjoy the 'holiday for your mind'

D123

brilliant post steve, And so so true without sounding all twee and floaty life is to short and to precious and sweet and hard all rolled into one... sounds like a new toffee ... hmmmm.

I dont take life to serious I get that gift from my dad. Hope you bagged a biggie on the fishing trip... thank you as always for your continued support, your a good man ste and you should go easy on yourself, you have lots to be thankfull for.

take care.

blondie x

Thanks Blondie,

This evening was great, first time I've fished in eight months so it was nice to be back amongst nature, no basted horse flies either which was a bonus. Came a magnificent 2nd out of 22 so I won anice prize. Can't wait for next week now. Celebrated with a packet of ginger nuts and a cup of tea. Took me ages to find them but then I realised they where under my kilt. Where else!

Been a good day. Nice news about Blondie's Mum, I also behaved myself in my art class. I usually just f**t a**e around on a Thursday because I teach adults and they don't mind me putting them in head locks and whatnot, I tell them it's character building. It's a laugh anyway and it stops me getting bored. They give as good as they get though, good job I'm not sensitive and I can laugh at my own expense, it's a nice class and its nice just to be me. Can't make next week's lesson for I'll be away for two days so I've put Big Tony in charge and left instructions. 'Big Tony' is an inspiration, he's my age and about 18 stone. I wouldn't dream of putting him in a headlock. He had a stroke a few years back and all one side of his body is paralysed. Always smiles though and laughs at everything. Which made me nervous and paranoid at first but now I'm used to it. He's taught himself to paint and draw with the 'wrong' hand and is very good, more than competent. Anyway he's in charge next week, unpaid of course but he's still made up. So I enjoyed today not by doing anything in particular but by not being hard on myself and just appreciating what's around me. You can't always live like this, it's impossible unless you're a monk or something meditating in a cave yet it was just nice to allow myself to think like this for a brief change. Big Tony's alright although life pulled the rug from underneath him when he least expected it, today's class is alright even though they've got to put up with me and I'm alright. I haven't gambled for some time now and I'm still taking it one day at a time. That's all I can hope for.

Steve

Steve.

My friend that was a joy to read, life treats you well and you deserve all it puts your way.

Through abstinence i believe we learn to take all we can, life is more alive, its all worth the effort.

The humility that comes with it bowls me over.

So with all this fishing going on here on gamcare I think flagg's gamcare day out should be on a lake!!

I have not fished for a while, but do enjoy fishermans blues on the radio each weekend, particularly the theme song.

Hope the weekend dishes up more of the same for you fella.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

well done on second place.... U DA MAN !!!

Big tony hahahaha that did make me laugh, i love your posts they make me smile from ear to ear.

Have a great weekend.

blondie x

Not much to report today. Last day of football season, weekends will never seem the same again for a while. Put my car in for the mot, fella said it'd failed on the exhaust and would cost £269 to replace, I said I'd get my mate to do it, then he changed his mind and said he'd pass the car and just advise me. Grease monkey tried to rip me off. It's a minefield out there. Car tax is due this month too. Paying unexpected bills is always a trigger urge for me to try and gamble my way out of parting with cash. Daft really for as we know we just end up paying twice the amount and having a three day headache whilst trying to starve yourself to death through self hatred.

I've been suffering in the gym for the last fortnight, unable to complete a full session, difficulty breathing, tired and having really bad headaches at night with blocked up sinuses. I thought I was just getting 'man flu' at first but they kept coming and going and dragging on for as I said earlier, a couple of weeks now. I was more peeved off than concerned. Yesterday whilst at my desk in my bedroom I noticed the lid off my superglue. The bottle had been open since I last used it, the room must have stunk of superglue but I never noticed, no wonder I had those headaches and trippy conversations with jimi Hendrix every 3:am in the morning. All gone now and I'm no longer mouth breathing which is good.

Went to see Maisie this morning, she's an alter server in her church. Very proud of her, I used to be an alter boy at her age. I like the fact that she's doing this although I'm an atheist religion does have a role in developing an ethical understanding which will put her in good stead.

Went the gym before that, a good session now that I'm not spaced out and my inside of my nose is not stuck together.

Been having an urge to eat the wood pigeon which keeps landing in my garden. Looks so round and plump and tasty too. It's a beautiful looking bird, not like one of those city pigeons with a stump for a leg and a taste for chips, vomit and ciggies buts. Maybe one day. Should be easy to catch too because the one in my garden looks really stupid, with a silly walk and round staring eyes.a while back a sparrow hawk killed and ate its mate by my pond, made it look easy. I was concerned for my guinea pigs but the hawk only had eyes for the bird. The guinea pigs are nearly six now and they live and roam cageless in the garden. They do a marvelous jog in keeping the grass down. I used to let them in but the little basteds ran wild and chewed the wires behind the fridge. Jeez, I'm just waffling because I've got jobs to do and I'm trying to get out of them. Hey ho back to work. Hope you all have a gamble free, good, happy day.

Steve

Yo,

Thank you , sorry if I made you a bit sad .

Know I need to post but am very aware that my posts may bring back sad memories for the reader .

Having said that your support and words really helped to sooth my troubled mind .

So once again

Thank you

Shiny xxxxxx

Steve,

Fella you had me roaring with laughter yesterday, I had a vision of mr.a steptoe catching that chicken!!!!!!!!!!!!

it is great to have you back about the forum fella, bringing humility were needed and humour in the same regard.

For that thankyou, oh and wood pigeon is delicious!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back.