...

Hey Sandra,

hope that work this week is a little less stressful, and keep up the great work, as I do see that you are feeling so much better than you did all those weeks ago.

have a great week and chat soon

Phil

Hi Sandra

Well done and keep up the good work. Try not to work too hard, everyone needs to relax a little.

Going to have a look at that book today

Take Care Lisa 🙂

Thank you Phil and Lisa, look after yourselves both of you.

Dear diary,

2 hours kip and i hav to rise to my own screams and sweat dripping body - another nightmare... not about gambling, just something from my childhood, but i'm up now and my 'weekend' has started. Feel like was hit with a lorry but hey ho, that's my dedication to work.

Prob will skip run today, going to the seaside...just by myself to think about things.....

Sound ever so optimistic today(not)...just day at a time.

Take care all...another day further......we will get there

Sandra x

Hi Sandra,

Just been reading through your diary, well done on your progress. Sorry to hear you had a bad night but hope you have a better day at the seaside and clear your mind x

Thank you pinksparkle, will catch up with your diary later.

Nothing said.

Ok, gonna try again but without swearing,

Dear diary,

Since i haven't slept for last 3 nights my emotions are all over the place. Went for my session with counsellor today, broke down( which never happened before) put myself in a worse state.

Went to the beach after, usually calms me down, but not today.too messed up with myself.....

Couse decide i needed toilet i had to pick casino place( like nothing else to choose from?)and there it hit me full force...had my card with me, start panicking and felt 50/50. ...after a long thinking, put my legs in gear and f***** off from the place like lightning. Well mad with myself, tried to go for a run but couldn't do it..maybe a mile and felt too tired to carry on.

So now...hmmm..still feel cr**, but safer now( computer blocks) so going shop and get some drink. I know i will feel terrible tomorrow, just at the state now where i want to relax and drown my f***** up life for one day.

Very raw session....but had to be done.

Sorry for sounding off, if anyone reading,just one of them days......

Take a good care of yourselves lovely ppl

S x

Day 57.

Bad start, but good end. Looks like half glass of wine was enough lol.

For better tomorrow.

Goodnight

S x

i have been reading through your diary and a lot of posts to it, there is obviously a lot of support out there, would like to think i could get to Day 57, after being at Day 1, today, keep going Sandra

Thanx rideyobike, i shall follow your journey through:-)

Hello diary,

Well, 14 hours in a dream world and i'm newborn person. A lot better frame of mind. God, what a different days i have. I'm like two people in one( no wonder- Gemini) lol...I think i should apologise for my comments yesterday if it made anyone upset, in other hand i hav this diary for myself and just put the feelings i experience each day.

Anyway, late start of the day ( lazy me in zzzz world haha) but already had a good volleyball session, planning to meet sis later, when go for a jog and end my day with quet evening infront of the box lol. ( no alcohol involved) Just ordinary day of ordinary girl.

Right better put those legs into gear and go wash my car and do some cleaning spree in a house....

Day 58 full of positivity, have a great day everyone and take a step at a time.

Take care

Sandra x

Hi Sandra

Well done you for going so far with that urge then letting it all come crashing down around your ankles before you "legged" it. Counselling can be very difficult and at the time I know I thought some sessions were useless but then upon reflection that evening or the next day, I could see the sense in it.

You are doing so well. Just let them emotions and urges ride themselves out and if you have a bad day, so be it. Just don't make it worse by gambling.

Again, well done at your super duper efforts.

Take care.

Lady Feb.

Thanx lady Feb,

A lot better day today...i dread tomorrow, another race at work.. but i will manage, i'm sure. Been emotional few days, but i must deserve these feelings, hopefully just makes me stronger. I'm used to suffering anyway, not much can hurt me any more.

I can imagine it sounds as negative post, but i'm trully ok, and heads on to go further.

Let's see what tommorow brings...surely another gamble free day:-)

Take care all, goodnight

Sandra x

Hi Sandra, read a lost of your posts, you seem to have suffered a lot through this gambling addication, but seem to be coming out the right side which is great. Can i ask what hurts the most a:- the loss of all the money or b:-the fact you can't gamble anymore.

For me the absolute agony is knowing I have financially ruined myself for the rest of my life.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Here's to a good nights sleep I hope !!

Hey Sandra

Sending you all good wishes for tomorrow in work ....xxx

Thank you for your kind words ...I think you are right there with belief and traditions . I think I'm making this whole journey possibly a lot harder for myself as my belief in a god is faulty at its core ...

Time to go and redraft some new blueprints for life ..I am genuinely pleased that you have a strong spiritual base as I really do think this recovery from addictions is a lot better knowing we are not truly alone.

R and D xx

Hi sandra

Sounds like you have had an emotional few days, hope things are looking a little brighter for you and you're not working too hard.

Keep up all your good work

Take Care Lisa 🙂

Hope today is not too stressful for you Sandra, your job seems to stretch you, thanks for taking time to post on my diary, right now I need all the support I can get, i can't go to my family again and tell them I have weakened again by gambling, my partner said its over if you gamble again, having already confessed three times previously to her. I don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own, in a tiny house without her, how bad can you feel over gambling losses? Sorry bad start to day.

I can beat this just need a bit emotional support for a week or two. I think you won't gamble again having got this far.