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Sandra

I fully understand your last post and can relate to it well , work is a blessing at times even though we both admit how hard and stressful it is , how this addiction makes you feel after a slip is tough on our minds so many questions all been why , we just have to fight through it we know better times are around the corner

Still walk side by side together and that's something I really appreciate

Thank you

Castle2

Good morning all and thank you so much for your kind words. ...really am blessed for finding you all in my life xx

Hello diary,

Sooo..let me to compose myself first lol..i am not really xmas person and spirit usually comes only on a day, but I'm not the one to ruin this festive season either lol..so my colleague at work (right character let me tell ya) put a xmas picture on my computer desktop. ..back in October! ! Lol...its like that wouldn't b enough i walked into the house not long ago and thought i am not where i should b lol..d**n it's decorated for xmas already! ! Lol..my mate i share the house with is one crazy a ss girl and hell i still chuckling to myself here cause all you need is xmas tune to go alongside with it all and Santa hat to make it better heh heh..so yep, i shall officially announce - Xmas is in Sandra's house!!...already lol.

Right, enough about this exciting moment and i shall move onto next ramble...
Gambling. Yesterday i had few hours of hell, urges come unexpected and i felt myself drifting quite low..mood dropped, all the demons invited themselves in and i even considered ringing in sick to feed my habit and stay isolated all day. Absolute madness and i just managed to talk myself out of it...good job i did..a little progress is being made in myself and i come round to my old self in quite quick time, which surprised me also cause i usually tend to beat myself up a lot longer for even having thoughts about it..phew..lol..i can breathe now..
It saddens me that i still feel this way after starting recovery back in 2013 but i accepted that these accuracies are part of the addiction i like it or not.
Ok..no damage done, it was only thoughts and i stayed on a wagon. I am proud of myself, (might as well give myself some credit here lol 🙂 )

...today is my mums birthday. This year alongside all the stuff i send, i wrote a letter for her also. Very weird cause been ages since i wrote a letter but kept having that feeling to come closer to her heart with my own handwriting and thoughts...as always emotional so gonna stop here.. happy bday mum, the distance never separated my soul from yours...

So, to conclude it..it was a good (ish) shift...everyone was in high spirits and only few rants which was quickly extinguished lol..happy days, may long it continue.

No gambling, thank you all again..i feel this is my place no matter how hard i try to push away and go on my own sometimes. I can't, this place gifted me my life back, brought so many lovely friends in it and a chance to get things right...not in a perfect way but in progressively calmer approach while I'm moving forward and building my bridge back again.

Stay safe all, keep up the good work, life is for living - enjoy every minute.

Sandra xx

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for the advice and well done on tackling both addictions and succeeding. I know that giving up smoking will be risky and definitely why I'm putting it off at the moment. Like you, I know since I've stopped gambling my smoking has increased...not tripled, but at the very least doubled. Hell I'm sitting here now having one while I type this! I think because I've got almost my entire wage sitting in the house with me and I'm becoming very very aware of how much I'm actually spending on them. But...gambling is my top priority. I'll still give the smoking thing a bash in the new year but if something's going to fail I'm determined it won't be the gambling. I've come too far personally to let myself down.

Work, oh my god where to start. I'm just surrounded by incompetence and it drives me crazy. Not my colleagues, it's management. How these people got to the level they have is completely beyond me...total morons, and that's being extremely nice about it.

Anyway, I have managed to de stress a little over the weekend and I think a huge part of that is because I'm sleeping again. God, how I've missed sleeping properly. No more lying awake running through the last loss over and over in my head. Kicking myself because if I'd just stopped when I was x up I could have been y better off instead of z down. Nope, I don't miss that at all.

Anyhow, enough with the boring stuff. So pleased to hear you made it through yesterday. When you said you're still laughing at your friend decorating the house, it made me think of a video I saw a few days ago which made me laugh. I think it's brilliant and it's what we need more of in the world

http://youtu.be/J43xQ4dTAxY

I defy you to watch it and not join in!!!

Take care

Jess x

Yo,

Just wanted you to know ,that you will be in my thoughts tomorrow . Hope you like your councilor and that you start to form a relationship that in time will prove fruitful.

It's hard for us to see that we are doing everything and more to keep this addiction at bay , but by using the tools out there to aid us , be it gamcare , counciling ,ga that is most certainly the case . Being pro active no matter how difficult a pill to swallow is sooooo much better than being reactive when our backs are against the wall. It takes courage and commitment both of which you have in spades.

On a totally different subject, do not have a scooby do ( clue) what those letters stood for , even google translate and Wikipedia would not hold the answers . So pray tell , but beware about making it sooooooo very difficult cos I have a secret weapon to fox you , ever heard of cockney rhyming slang , lol

Big fat hugs Hun ,

Shiny xxxxx

Good morning, thanks castle, Jess and Shiny (scooby dooby dooo lol)

Diary,

Well looks like another day clocked up in my recovery. Don't feel too strong with all of this and night is still early, but hell i am glad i feel a little too knackered to even press a button so all is good lol. Head space is in overdrive and feel like i am in 5th gear already skipping the 1st one. I know this feeling wanting to be a step ahead of myself....maybe just pressing on the breaks would b a good idea. Today will pass and tomorrow will follow. ..and so on...(Shiny must be clapping her hands now lol lol..yep girl believe me i still feel brainwashed by all of you good folks lol)...day at a time tra ta ta ta ta lol.

A little thoughtful day yesterday. Mum's birthday. That passed also and getting my head bk on the shoulders.
So today..ohhhh today is the day to keep me on my toes. Not sure how but i planned few things to work through as minutes ticks by. Counsellor first, in other words back to the past to visit some demons and bk to present...always gets me out of sync but has to be done. Then i shall hoover my car and even give it a rinse lol, a little run and possibly first hot meal down this throat lol..yep..i need some food to keep going and im afraid work puts huge red cross on that...catching up on grub on days off is my wonderful diet lol

Sooo..sounds like a plan then lol. Enough waffling me thinks...first of all and most important now is some zzzzzzzz lol - goodnight diary.

S x

Yo

Just a quick one, coz I am off to a meeting which with traveling will result in a 14 hr day 🙁 ( hate hate hate traveling)

Hope you got some zzzzzzzzs, keep your chin up , watch out ants recon a few more to be squashed on your journey

Enjoy your days off !!!!!!!

Shiny xxxx

Hi Sandra,

I hope your safely in the land of nod at the moment catching those zeds that revitalise our minds ready for a new dawn or afternoon for you today.

I have read through your diary from start now and I feel I can understand enough to comment. Your spirit and courage are without question. You know what's required here. You've made quite an impression. Lots of honesty, energy, drive and will always impresses and inspires.

I love to write my stuff down. Not just here. I keep a journal of feelings. It sometimes can help as much as talking to my counsellor. You know that painful feeling after you've just rid yourself of loads of s***t. It only hits home that it helped you after a couple of days. I find I can self counsel with a personal diary.

So I like to write my journal but am currently back into writing my poetry too. Sometimes comes very easy, others there's no point. i might post some soon. The addicts' mind will surely relate.

The more diaries I read, the more I think we are all the same. Our thinking is strong and powerful then we get a little clogged up with life and it becomes hazy again. We risk the lapse at these times. It doesn't have to be something big that pushes us.

At the end of the day we have a choice. Our choice is to stay bet free. We are the lucky ones. So much better than living in denial.

Never take the pills. I took them for about eight months. They do work but they work by suppressing your emotions and therefore take away the biggest part of us. Our self. I would rather keep doing this on my own. You never lose sight of the light then.

Sandra , just keep on keeping on. You are doing just fine. Internal struggles are part of the human condition. How we deal with them is what matters.

Anyways on a less serious note.

I went to the doctors the other day. "Doc I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my a**e" replies "you're in luck cos I've got some cream for that "

Keep it festive lol.

Happy sleeping. It's so vitally important.

Ian x

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for popping in on my diary again with your kind words.

Hope you have a good snooze, and a good day ahead when you awake!! ;0)

Keep strong

Ade x

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're fast asleep as I write this, I know my mum used to work night shifts and she would usually only sleep four or five hours after work, so I hope you're getting a little more than that.

Glad to read you're still going on the right path, and I hope that you get everything done that you want to. The meeting with your counsellor, as Shiny said I wish it goes well and that you find someone who can really help you to beat this addiction.

Ryan x

Thanks all..i shall repost soon guys.
Yep Ryan, 5 hrs of sleep is a max for me...maybe one day i can find a job on social hours...

No gambling today. Tough counselling session but had t b done...i will come through this sooner or later.

Stay safe all and take care.

S x

Working shifts myself, I know there's been a lot of talk in my work over the last week or two about a study that says people who work shifts have shorter lives. Apparently it also makes you more likely to get diabetes. My mum's a night owl anyway, and so am I to an extent, so I don't mind the shifts that much, but I tend to work evenings rather than nights, so I don't have the short sleep periods.

Well done on getting another day in the win column by not gambling, and hope the counselling was useful, even if it did cover some tough territory.

Ryan x

Yo,

Made it back , just . Travel on the train, delays made me late , hate that. Meeting was not worth going for, and the news hot of the press , accountabity for job role , increased 10 fold , so all in all s***t day . Talk about getting blood outta stone 🙁

As for you , you will as I will come through this, no ticking clock , no expectations that it has to be sooner rather than later. Just work through the process, progress may be far more subtle than we realise , till one day we wake up and start to feel different about ourselves . It may never happen, but no one can say we did not give it our bestest shot.

I truly hope that you are managing to get some sleep tonight, and that if you are off again tomorrow that you have nice things planned , me time( or maybe that should read you time) lol

Shiny xxxxx

Morning Sandra

Still don't know how you work your hours to this very day , the sleep pattern would do me in , so full credit to you as its another bit of life to deal with , we both know it could be worse so we don't complain to much , I think that's why we have the ability to fight each day has it comes , I know for me your fighting spirit inspires me to keep fighting my own battle

As always thank you

Castle2

Morning S

Have a good gambling free day and stay safe

Suzanne xx

Hi Sandra,

Thanks again for your supportive post on my diary.

Keep strong and take care.

Ade x