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Good afternoon all, thanx for your kind words xx

Dear diary,

So woke up this morning with a cold and running nose...my own doing for sure..spend too long at windy beach yesterday. That will teach me next time lol

The process with a counsellor feels a bit too tough to bear at the minute...but as dear Shiny says we have to get through it and understanding about ourselves we get out of it is huge.
For me, accepting the reality is hard thing to do. I simply prefer to skip that bit and self medicate with all the s***t is out there in the world...but it simply has to stop...big fat STOP. I know i do this to myself, so as i said to Shiny last night, if we can create destruction and pain to ourselves, what's stopping us to do a positive and start bein kind to us, creating happiness and peace around us.
As i type now..i feel there is two personalities in me which are fighting for many many years...might as well be cause I'm Gemini, or maybe that girl which i suffocated for so long never gives up to break free and face the world for what it truly is. My shadow never seem to let her see the light of the day.

That stops too.
I am not a monster, i am only overprotective. I guess i should finally let my guard down, accept that my good wishes just made things worse as i walked further in this life and with the help of counsellor and good people on here i can let the past go and welcome that bubbly, energetic and kind person in..to show her the door into this wide world.

No sense here for you dear readers, for me everything is clear as a day...nothing changes if nothing changes.

No gambling today. No drink today. No self pitting.
Yes for life !!!

Take care, stay safe and carry on dear soldiers

S x

Hey, ((((((((((Sister))))))))))) That's it. Just hugs!! -joanxxxx

Yo,

Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit under the weather, and if you are not top notch by tomorrow do not beat yourself up if you need to take a sickie . Coz well you give more than most to their job and i have long since learnt that 99% of the work force go sick at the drop of a hat. Whose like us ? DAM FEW.

You can write whatever you want on my thread, me I use yours sometimes to protect my anonymity because its always been a bit a concern for me, or just that i did not want to write it on my own thread. Bonkers I know.

Was thinking yesterday, going through counseling is a bit like throwing a whopping great stone in a puddle of our life. The ripples take a day or two to subside. But every time we do it a bit of the water splashes out , reducing the size of the puddle. Does that make sense???? So by my reckoning i am one million stones away from living in peace with myself lol.

Your post today was the first time i picked up on you, realizing ( what we all already know) that there is a bubbly, energetic, KIND person in there. I see that as progress, and am so very proud of you, so i hope you are of yourself.

Me bit stressed after yesterday’s meeting, which is s***t cos after 20 days off and feel relaxed going back in the same frame of mind i left. :-0

Tonight have my second staff event (ho ho ho), which if it was not part of my job i would swerve , but it is, so with my party hat bunged on my head, and a big xmas smile on my face, i will go in and be the hostess with the mostest, so spare me a thought as you are snuggled down in front of the box lol

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Sis,

I do know that song and I love it!! Thank you!! We should get our watches in sinc and plan a moment to sit in front of that video together and sing it on the top of our lungs together. That is the only thing that I think would make it perfect. lol... Just the thought makes me chuckle. ha ha ha... Take care of that cold. But, we both know that the cold never bothers US anyway!!! ((((((((((((((((Sis)))))))))))))))))))) -joanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Keep strong Sandra,

Thanks for your cheeky post!! lol ;0)

Hope you're feeling better soon. Try honey, lemon and a dash of olive oil, warm it up for a few mins then have as many spoons as you like!! Always does the trick for me.

Take care

Geppetto x

Hi Sandra,

You've lost me somewhere along the way?!.... Chipping away at which piece of wood?....Photos, etc.....??...

Regard

Baffled x

Yo,

Yes i get the connection. I stopped posting for a long time because it felt like it was same things over and over again. Talking or writing about our feelings , our counseling has most defo refreshed the site for me. Because i believe you get me as well. and i value your input, most defo helping me lay a few more bricks lol

It’s crazy................ my job is a senior manager whose main responsibility is staff, hr issues, team engagement, retention, recruitment, you get my drift.

But to be honest......... I hate people, and would much rather be on my own. So I don the mask , play the game at being the most caring , fun manager in the world , ( although they see me as far too serious instead of fun, something else I fail at) when in reality I wish they would grow up, take responsibility for themselves and get the f**k outta my face.

What do I like.......

I have a passion for development, I believe that everyone should achieve what they can in this world and be given the opportunity to do so, if they are proactive and want to...... I like to think that I enable them to do that. Empowerment is my mantra. Maybe that comes from all my years of being told I was stupid due to my dyslexia

Tonight is my living hell, I have to pretend to be someone i ain’t, but it’s my job and there we go, need a job.

So that’s me, stripped bare. Not such a shiny fairy LOL

So to end, I thank you, as going through this journey with you, is giving me a greater insight into me ( that there is someone else out there going through the same mind bending thoughts) and that most defo makes those mountain’s easier to climb.

Shiny xxxxxx

Hi Sandra,

Gotcha! ;0)

Thanks for your continued cryptic support!!

Take care

Ade

Hi Sandra. A bit of tongue in cheek fun just for you. Took me all of 10 mins and has a schoolboy quality lol.

Gambling as we know is surely a mugs game, firstly the guilt and then comes the shame.

You think you'll win but you only lose, is that any kind of life for us to choose?

We come here now to beat this addiction, to free ourselves from this affliction.

It's good we can use each other for a shoulder, with our joint courage we become bolder.

All of us together with a common goal, to reach out middle and find our soul.

One day at a time they say sweet Jesus, does it really take so much to please us?

Horses, bingo, slots or roulette, for all those poor people who like to bet.

Rock bottom comes when enough is enough, we're fighting back now and strutting our stuff.

Goodnight and sleep well.

Ian xx

Thank you all so much, really appreciate your kind words xxx

So another day has passed and not much done to be honest but not to worry, i shall catch up on the weekend.
Head space feels a lot calmer today and everything seems back into places...except sleep lol..

No serious urges today, just passing thoughts but that's work in progress too and i learned not to give them much attention. I guess feeling a bit under the weather didn't help and spend all day at home in front of the box with you tube on my phone screen lol..i guess i gave few giggles to the soldiers outside from here and that's just great and worth it 🙂
Feeling calm and not really used to this feeling. It's kind of i am waiting for something bad to happen. ..fear of what?..not sure myself. ..maybe for this peaceful moment to finish. ..

Well, i guess i rambled enough today..shall give you all rest now 🙂

Three weeks today,(not if I'm counting lol) keeping my hard earned to myself and feeling proud that i can go through tough time recently without any crutches to support me...
Anything is possible. ..no meter ticking. .first gear is the safest one for me at the minute 🙂

Thank you once again all and..

Shiny - ho ho ho ya rock girl!!!! And i have learned something very valuable from you today..this will strengthen my recovery 100 times 🙂 thanx !

S x

Came back for more ramble cause this insomnia is getting on my nerves now lol.

In a way i do miss all of mine addictions. Why? Because it was easiest way to numb it all and get through the days...as much as i hate them i am grieving for the part of me i had to say goodbye to..

Maybe i just need to find something to replace them to keep me motivated, healthy and at peace at the same time...

...yes the search continues..will find it the hard way...without self medication and escapism...i am, you are and all of us are better than this. We can and we will do it! Freedom is ours and we will use the opportunity and grab it.

Goodnight for sure...best start counting them sheeps lol...

Hi Sandra,

Sorry to see you're riding the insomnia train with me tonight, I know what you mean about the mindless spinning of the reels helping to distract from the pain and problems of real life. You and I both know though, that it doesn't solve anything, and those problems are still there when you finish gambling, along with a new debt to go with those problems.

Finding something to keep yourself motivated and moving forward is difficult. During the month I was training for my boxing match earlier in the year, the other problems seemed to fit into their holes more easily, as I had the focus, and was physically tired a lot of the time thanks to the exercise. I don't think there is a perfect me at the end of a road somewhere, there is just a slightly better me down one fork in the road, and a slightly worse me down the other fork. I need to keep turning the right way.

Did you get anywhere counting sheep, hopefully you're fast asleep by know anyway.

Thoughts with you, sleep tight.

Ryan

Hey Ryan, thanx my friend 🙂

Diary,

Ohhh...noooo..not good at all and just annoyed with myself for feeling annoyed lol.
I feel it coming. I feel that i might of just took too much recently. I notice myself getting closer to that f*****k itttt mood...why i do this and what's the point.
I guess the point is my future. ..something kinda scary and secretive. Two in one lol. Here i want to see tomorrow and here i don't. How that figures? Agghhrr..load of b******s here..i just know i took a bit too big step and by not having anywhere to go and hide, numb, ease, forget, ..i feel very lost and angry with myself. Why i need addictions to help me feel better i will never know. I will always be an addict...yep..addict Sandra...for life..absolutely brilliant thought.

Feel like just booking a holiday now. Anywhere in a world...just fly and fly away..no work doing my head in..no sister creating chaos, no responsibilities to go to that room and show my heart and soul, no mind f**k up....just pure relaxing time somewhere hot, on a beach...on my own..don't have to b a soul around...just want that peace and freedom. .

Tired of all this business. I've been tired before...i nearly slipped then..
..need a holiday to come back on new year as refreshed and kicking person again.

Gambling. ..well...i am an addict right? ...but recovering one i suppose...so all is good there lol..

Over and out. ...mooooddddyyyy as hell lol ...but it's just me..love me or hate me 🙂

Day at a time.
Stay safe...count your blessings and fight the good fight..

S x

Yo,

Oh Hun, get it . Process can be soooooooo slow. Days waking up or ending feeling why the f**k am I bothering . Coz life is just one constant unrelenting battle . Just want to escape, my thoughts , my life , being me .."...........

It's ok to feel like that, although we are prone to beat ourselves up coz we are not happy clappy. Try not to do that , go through the cycle of your emotions and come out a stronger person even if it's just a smidgen .

Honestly Hun, you are making progress , soooooo many people throw in the towel long before they hit this point . Try to get some sleep, hopefully you will wake up somewhat refreshed , and if you don't well you will tomorrow or the next day .

The days of utter despair used to out number the better days for me , 10-1 . Now I believe they are on an even keel , it's taken years. Without recovery , without the fight , that would not be the case . The light at the end of the tunnel , is maybe , just maybe , as years go on , that 10-1 gets reversed

I send you the biggest virtual hug known to man , in the hope that knowing there are people who are out here, willing you on , and truly care , that it will help you .

Shiny xxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're feeling a little better than you were early this morning, as Shiny said, the further you get from gambling the better it gets. There are always going to be the bad days, I can't imagine they stop entirely, but the balance between good days and bad days improves.

Have you ever watch the film "The Shawshank Redemption"? A few years ago I had to go to Mexico City for a friend's wedding, and I booked a few days in Zihuatanejo. While it doesn't look anything like it does in film, and it definitely isn't as quiet, as everyone else speaks Spanish it did give me a bit of a break. If you can, book that holiday and give yourself something to look forward to and to work for.

Hope you're okay.

Ryan x