...

Yo,

As you can no doubt work out having trouble sleeping tonight . Had a conciling session today and was a real hard one. Which has left me very reflective and not in a good way I must add . But hay ho no pain no gain .

Vid would not play but words were underneath , yep your are defo as close to being certified as I am . Hope you've got free data cos you must spend hours searching the net for gems like that. Really did brighten my day . As I said it was a toughy.

Tickles me to think how much of what I write , my expressions and sayings end up on goggle translate . But far play to you .i would never of guessed until you mentioned it the other day that English was not you first language. To get our humour and more so mine which as you've seen is utterly one of kind, throw in my dyslexia , which see me find outlandish ways to spell as well as missing out the odd word or so . And still you manage to work out work the heck I am on about . So that my dear friend deserves a round of applause.

Right tommorow will see me play the ant song on my PCs ( on my iPad presently) which I am sure will make me chuckle all over again. So cheered my dears .

laters

Shiny xxxx

Hi Sandra

brilliant to read so many positive posts at the moment couldn't be happier for you , getting loads of sleep as well can only help , when your happy and life is good it's what you deserve long may it continue

castle2

Hey, thank you castle and all the troops from yesterday 🙂

Soo..bloody ants tune in my head all night lol and feel like a zombie (and look i suppose) today.

Another day ticked off and yes, feel a lot better on that front.
Wish i could go for a run before work but it's not gonna happen today lol so will make sure I'm at least in a 3rd gear at work.

Nothing to report really, you all can have a rest from my rants ;-)....just for today of course 😀

Happy days and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel..d**n there was some digging involved to get where i find myself today. Work in progress. ..will not back down now.

Take care all and stay safe

S x

Hi S,

Just so say walking along side of you girl,

Take care and don't think too far ahead,

Suzanne xx

Hi diary,

Well touched gambling subject about 3 times tonight. There are about 5 guys in my department age ranging between 19-22. All of them plays poker...and all of them thinks they have no problem. They just asked to book rest of the weekend off which sadly for them i had to decline. (Staff shortage and too short notice). It just breaks my heart to see what they are doing to themselves and where they will be in a couple of years time..i can tell that they are in complete denial about this problem, arrogant and see the fun side. No..it's not a problem, it's just passing some time, having a drink and laugh with friends...until they find themselves betting on everything going, doing it on their own and isolating completely. Few of them are close to self destruction, checking odds, going to bookies and similar. .obviously not sleeping and looking worse for wear. Concentration for work is zero....
As my colleague said, ..this is horrible disease which claims your family, kids, house and your life. ..i wanted to shout out that this is my problem i deal with daily also..i couldn't. .i am not strong enough to tell my work colleagues how useless i was and wasted my young (ish) life on something so destructive...and still have to wake up with this feeling inside not trusting myself or knowing i can switch to that selfish horrible person at any moment.

I hate you gambling. I hate to see you claiming lives of people, i hate to see you wrecking families and i hate you for getting your sticky hands on everyone vulnerable.
Hate you!

Rant over.

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for the post, the house is still standing...but only just!!!

I was so mad, mad at everything. Mad at myself for getting to this stage, mad at the casinos for sending their complimentary cd and no obligation £100. Mad at the voicemail for their spectacular bonus. But despite my outburst, I'm proud that they were binned without a thought of taking them up on their very generous offers.

What annoyed me so much was realising that this is something that will stay with me indefinitely.

I know the addiction itself will always be there and I know casinos will always promote themselves with tv and radio adverts. However, it is possible to dodge a lot of them, I record most tv and skip the adverts and I'm always flicking between radio stations in the car in search of a song. Even emails aren't too bad, I tend to skim through the list and delete in bulk so I don't even open most of them. What I didn't foresee was them targeting me personally at home. I don't think (or can't remember) that I've ever received a letter or had a phone call before. But my address and phone number are both obviously on a list of 'suckers' somewhere and I'm fair game.

Could you imagine if cigarette companies sent out complimentary cigarettes to people, just to 'have a go, see if you like it' As if that would ever be allowed to happen. But, we all know that smoking is bad, I guess unless you've been sucked into the vile world of gambling, why would you have any concept of the devastation it causes. It doesn't cause cancer, but it damages people in so many other ways. Mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, it literally breaks people. But hey, it doesn't cause cancer so it's all good.

I'm going to stop there, it's only 8:30 in the morning and already I can feel my blood pressure rising!!!

Congratulations on another gambling free day

Take care
Jess x

Hi sandra... I guess all we can do is focus on ourselves and our own recoveries. Those 5 guys you talk about may or may not have a serious problem. In some respects the fact that they are gamlbing together and having a laugh may mean that none of them have actually crossed that invisible line into serious addictive (not paying bills) gambling. For me, gambling in "isolation" on a computer or at a machine be it poker or slots is a key indicator.

Anyway keep up with your rants ;-)... all very healthy to get it out the system.

take care... S.A 🙂

Yo,

Good afternoon, yep loved.....the vid . Thank you .

I agree with SA , over seeing other poor souls that are looking like they come succumb to this arful addiction. But ultimately you have to focus on you and staying clean.

I like you drnk and smoke too much . Although unlike you could do with loosing weight, but that's a battle for another day .i have long since learnt that my compulsive nature , or need to self medicate moves, from one addiction to another. So I try to get to grips with which ever one is in the fore front . Which is the bestest I can do

I am ok , still feel beaten up after my session but sure that will pass in a day or two.

Hope you have a good shift , Mondays not that far away now , stay strong , stay safe .

TTFN

Shiny xxxxx

Hey Sis,

Yep, I hate it too. Some days I hate the fact that I have to deal with it at all. Maybe wishing I was somebody else. But, like you, I have learned that these things happen to us all and all we can do is continue fighting the good fight as you and the rest of us say and say.. One day at a time. Hugs and more hugs right back at you! (((((((Sis)))))))) -joan

Thank you for your words guys 🙂 now then castle..what did i say in the last post to ya...yep...here we go lol.

Warning to all and this post is only for me.

Diary,

Today i yearn to isolate, lock myself in a room and welcome the escape this addiction so well offers. I want to destroy myself once again, and what for? For my poor choices or even something i didn't have control over?. So why i want to hurt myself? Because it feels better for me, it releases pain, it takes me away from reality. I feel comfort, i can "not feel" i can forget and escape this pile of s***t i have to see daily.
As much as i hate you dear addiction, i turn to you to accept this escape. Dancing with the devil...brilliant.
Addiction after addiction in all forms and sizes gives me something no one else has to offer..

Please, just for today, leave me at peace. I am trying to look for healthier ways to deal with shoveling this pile aside. Just for today, let me find that strength to stick my middle finger at you...because that's what you deserve I'm afraid...i just want to chose the hard way forward, your comfy blanket brings more devastation to my life..and i quite like this life even if s**t outweighs the good...i am still standing and believing in better days.

I am in control. .just for today.

S x

Hi S

Just for today you are in control, just for today you will win, just for today,

big hugs (((((((S)!!!!!))

Suzannexx

s***t storm passed...phew..2 hrs safely navigated and work is a saviour!!! ( never thought i will say that lol)

Thanx Suzanne and all of you my angels on this site.

Stay safe all and be yourselves, get it all out..good bad and the ugly....

Sx

(((((( S)))))))))

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Yo,

Getting through that, posting it living it, not sucumming, and turning it round in a couple of hours . Wow see how far you have come .

Used to talk about building a wall between me and my next bet, everyday adding more bricks , today Hun you added plenty .

Good for you !

Ta Ta For Now

Shiny xxxx

Thanks for your post Sandra, and well done on riding that last one out.

Keep strong girl, always here for support.

Ade x