...

Yo,

Was going to write , I really do understand how you feel. But that's b ull, cos I am not you so how could I possibly. So I will put it this way instead, the way I view myself and should any of ring true ....... Well you get my drift.

I feel flawd as a human , my addictive nature, my dyslexia, my appearance the whole bloody lot. Like a square peg when everyone else is round. Never fittingin not ' normal' And I hate it, despise it, which in turn means that really do not like me the constant failure.

But whether I like it not, I am what I am. There is no cure to my flawd personality , no magic pill, no special op, to make me 'normal'.So different, flawd, square is how I shall remain.

I have to manage it, some days are easier that others. Through counciling I believe I am learning to manage it better. I did not choose to be an addict ect, but by getting some type of exceptance , maybe the journey of my life is made a tad easier. previously every day felt like wading through mud in concereat boots .Now is just like wading through mud.

I feel your pain, because I believe the pain is same , Should we be self medicating by excepting who we are, and making our expectation for ourselves more realistic, instead of looking for ways to escape. Might make living a bit easier?

Hope you have a better night tonight. Me back tomorrow 🙁

Shiny xxxxxxx

Hey and thank you Ryan and Shiny xxx

Excuse spaces in this post cause hell this tab I'm using is one big bull lol (exaggerating here...just not comfy to type).

So diary, days off!!! A little bumpy road this week but I cannot expect much from myself with lack of sleep, stress at work and this festive season . All is ok, I am keeping at the level and just hoping this weekend will gift me more sleep. That's the priority to this body and mind and just hope I will b granted this wish lol.

Have thought about easy way out and turn back to alcohol this weekend but looks like I can handle my emotions so just gonna stick to my cup of teas. I know I can do without any harmful habits and even knowing a glass can be healthy now and again, knowing my compulsive personality, it wouldn't stop just there. So why to dip my toe in danger zone if I can do without it..plus hangover is something I do not miss at all lol.

was thinking a lot recently (danger heh heh), actually thought about us as human beings and the expectations we get from others. I think we all are really special in our own way but sometimes we try to put bar higher than we should do. To accept yourself the way you are is the most important thing in life. There is no limit for development in ourselves, every day something new takes our curiosity and attention...sometimes without realising it we secretly analysing one thing or the other...I thing human being never ever stops growing and learning.

Not sure if any sense here, I guess I just put these thoughts down for my own recovery. I am not perfect at all, but I am unique in my own way. The acceptance of myself as a person is ongoing process but every day I am that little step closer to realise that we have to make the most out of our lives. Good days and bad days combined gives me the middle I am quite happy with. Balance I always had but failed to see.

No gambling today, no drink and no other harmful stuff.

I can relax and chill out, maybe some food would be a good idea lol and time to really start looking after myself. Love comes from within, and I'm on the right track to start being kind to myself and be friends with myself once again 🙂

Enough rambling me thinks. Thank you all dear soldiers for every word you share in this journey. Progress definitely being made.

Peace out

S xxxx

Hi Sandra. Well done on your ongoing recovery. Your last post is food for thought. I think you're right. We have to accept who we are. Good and bad.

That cup of tea sounds good. I'll take it over a glass of wine or a pint any day!

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for your kind post on my diary.

You are dead right,........ "love comes from within".....it is something we all have to remember during this recovery process.

Stay strong and take care of yourself

Ade x

Thank you Martin and Ade for your kind words xx

Dear diary,

Not much to report, had few flying thoughts about having a go on slots last night but went for a run instead. Quite late evening and just a little chilly too lol..i must of looked like Rocky Balboa with my hoodie up running in a dark lol.

Did give in to my other vice and had a little drink after...but that work in progress too.

Have a work do tonight..will i go or will i not?..that's a question...decisions decisions lol.

Have a peaceful and relaxing Saturday all. Keep winning the good fight.

Sandra x

Thanks for your supportive post Sandra.

Rocky Balboa eh!! I can just picture you now!!

Stay strong champ.

Yoll AAAAAAddddddddddriiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaannnnnn!!!!

Yo,

Dilemma hay. Not that I am one to give advice , but if you decide to go have a nice time .

Starting reading The chimp paradox after it was mentioned in the success section. Interesting ..., you can download a free sample off amazon if you use e books. Hooked me so I bought it.

Don't worry about me if you don't here from me for a few days. I do not post a lot when I am working. But will catch up n my days off.

Let me know how you get on with that book, should you decide to give it a go.

Ho ho humbugs

Shiny xxxx

Sandra,

Your words speak for me and so many of us. I fully relate to it. Acceptance and love. So difficult sometimes when we feel that we don't fit. A phenemonoligical approach. Our uniqueness is sometimes what makes us addicts all the same lol.

Ian xx

Morning Sandra

Pleased your running again I always found it a great way to clear the head my dodgy knees just can't take it though now lol , getting a good few days under your belt again and that's good progress , small steps will turn to bigger ones and thst corner will continue to turn

Castle2

Hey thanx Shiny, Em, AN and castle, keep up good work soldiers 🙂

Dear diary,

Just a little ramble today and fingers crossed i can also take a back seat and stop posting for a while..

So, it's nearly 2 weeks since i had a proper sleep..and hell it does add up and fooks with this mind..not expecting something magically change tonight lol so just got some drink to see me through evening and hopefully pass out a bit earlier that 5am...hangover tomorrow..well, let it be. Do i want to do this to myself? No. So i guess it's my chimp mind talking lol. To be honest it needs a lot of exercising and training, both of them are out of my reach at the minute and i shall let that "emotional" part to take over.
So..cancelled tomorrow's counselling. Why? Just feel i have enough on my plate these days...just a little too much i guess.
Not in very high spirits today and hell that monkey is on my shoulder not even thinking to jump off. Went for a run to clear my head, but that didn't work out also and instead i started making a plan to top myself off. Bloody madness for sure...that's not gonna happen if you read this so no emergency services needed lol.
Come back and told my mate that feel S***e today and want to gamble, drink and all the rest harmful stuff. (Even go get some green stuff to smoke my sorry a ss into space lol..f*****g madness for sure)...so the response I've got was "what do you want me to do?" EXACTLY! what should i expect from her if i am creating this for myself. I am in control or not in control. I guess in a way my mind looks for that excuse...then i f**k up big time, get up tom wiv headache, empty bank account and full of self pitty...only to tell "i told you so, i was expecting you to protest to my silly ideas, help, take card and booze away from me, sit me down, talk through things and listen". The reality is, i shouldn't expect someone to be here every time i stumble,..instead i should take all responsibility on my shoulders and deal with it. Nobody else is to blame for my own actions. No one.

So on that note, i shall sign out and hopefully come out through this without banging headache or empty bank account tomorrow. Simple as 2Г—2.

So far so good. Taking it minute at a time.

Sandra x

Yo,

This may post twice as I was messaging you on the bus , not an easy task I can tell you. But pressed the wrong button and well not sure if the message went into the abyss or is waiting in a cue and will magically appear

So here we go again.

Let me be that friend ....... Do you really want to throw what you've recently achieved down the toilet "

Think of how much your last relapse deverstated you, financialy but more so your self worth , your whole being. Do you really want to feel like that again tomorrow.?

Take my virtual hand , and let take the next difficult steps forward together. Be it through an understanding that counciling is torcher, coping with no sleep brakes down your defences and being an addict is sometimes a very heavy cross to bare.There is safety for me having you by my side as we take these tiny steps forward To see us reach our true potential, even if we are flawd, because it shows what determined women we are. And no addiction can take that away from us, us less we let it.

I get the planning to top it, I get that battle can seem soooooooo overwhelming. I would not top myself , but I talk to my councilor a lot about welcoming death , so the daily battle ends. The thought of 10/2o odd years more of this is my biggest fear.

But with that said, we are here , we have a life to lead , and we must fight , The addiction is a bas tard , it can feel your vulnerabity and stands and rubs its hands in glee , looking for an in. Do not give it the satisfaction, hun, you are stronger than that.

Right I am now at work, till 3 and will log in regularly through the night to see if you are ok. Like to say things will look better in the morning, but my crystal ball has one hell of a crack in it.lol

Right here, right now is all that counts, get through the hour , the minute , the second if that's what it takes .

WILLING YOU ON HUN!!

Shiny xxxxxxxx

Hi Sandra,

similar to my days of recovery wanting to drink myself silly just to get some emotional peace without my head spiralling out of control it takes some strength to hold off doesn't !it but in your words there is a massive strength you have I can see it clearly I know you have that inner strength to get through yes it's hard but I think in what I read you have the equipment to do this keep battling as when you are able to contain the battle your life will be amazing take care x

the bear x

Yo,

Hope you are feeling a bit better now .

Shiny xxx

Hi Sandra,

Hope you're okay and feeling a little bit better than yesterday. That feeling of having to take everything on your own shoulders is tough, but hopefully sharing them on here is a little bit like catharsis. We won't always have people there to take away the bank card and lock up the booze cupboard, but you are strong enough to make the right choices even when there isn't anyone there to take those options away.

As for planning for the end, you're not alone in having those thoughts, at times the bridge or the cliff looks mighty tempting, but that isn't the answer. If kill to cure was the way to deal with illness, then I think the government could stop worrying about the NHS.

Thinking of you this morning, and hope you have woken up feeling refreshed and that you punched the monkey in the face last night.

Ryan x

Hi Sandra,

Thank u 4 all ur support, have a gr8 Christmas 🙂

Take care and stay strong xx