...

Thanks LML and Glint...very appreciated.

Glint. You mentioned me taking off from here earlier this year. I usually take breaks when can't handle my emotions anymore. In a way it's self punishment. This time I wanted to start afresh forgetting the heartbreak this place gave me in the past (my own doing)...but..it didn't work out
and this time I punished myself with unaffordable price. Really did. Not only lost financially but morally also.

I am seeking help. Even if this place is not as it used to be (or is it me changing and finding it difficult to keep coming back with the same merry go round...)..i see this place as my home... I am reaching out even if don't exactly find it welcoming if you get what I mean.
Counselling is another avenue I did go for before. Now I need to concentrate on present and my way forward as I am as lost as always.

There was a third meaning hidden in your code. Equally raising a smile on this face so thank you ☺

Wish you could post more Glint..update us on your journey. You're really uplifting diarist here and your way of writing is still taking me aback! I love it! So educational ☺

Lil paws slept well. I do have growing concern about her eyes. It's not exactly nice to see nor for her to feel I believe. One eye is giving her discomfort but I know where to go if my concerns grows bigger. Vets were very helpful yesterday and calmed me down on couple of occasions.

Looks like my planned grand "return" to vollunteering today is not gonna happen. Getting my priorities right and at the minute she is the first and last thing on my mind.

Thank you both for your thoughts and prayers LML. They definitely helped to greet the morning with cuddle and smile from my lil one.

S&B xx

Aft diary,

So just scraped 20quid from my piggy bank (I almost forgot I have it). Still short for the needs I have to meet but it's at least the start!
Medication, electric and milk will be sorted.
Still short for cigs, petrol.....but I am sure I will figure something out!

I was scraping the coins and was thinking to myself. It came to this huh...& there was a time when you chucked money away to people you don't know quite clearly feeding their addiction in process without realising it....sometimes good deeds doesn't deliver the original intention. I guess I am still learning here.

Beautiful day...lets keep the Sun shining ☺

No gambling to report

S&B xx

.

Feeling myself getting agitated last few days. Truly don't want it to escalate so shall take a lil break.

It's definitely no rosy path I'm leading but I am trying my best...will it be enough?

Lil paws says goodnight to fellow soldiers and I just leave with a calm mind and the right choice for tommorow.

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Feeling a lot better and positive. Have had good counselling session. Many q's I have asked myself has been answered.
Subject of the day - dimensions...balance..acceptance.

Yes, I may be negative person....but I love this girl no matter what, she is a fighter and things will get better once more. I believe.

6 days till payday and I still have bread on the table.

Absolutely no thoughts of gambling, I am here to save myself, Not to bring myself lower.

Stay safe all...RRRAAAAAAARRRRRR once again! ☺

B&S xx

Thanks for your support on my diary and I am pleased you are feeling more positive. Keep up with the counselling sessions and do whatever you can for your little girl.

Wilsy

Thanks Wilsy ☺

This time I actually meant myself as a fighter girl lol..& I guess it's a first sign of showing self love!

As of four legged girl..she is doing amazingly Well! I am so greatful having her by my side!

Now..i know I said this before....but....NOT THIS TIME for real!!

https://youtu.be/oDoKEKM-zDw

Hiya S 🙂

Glad you are feeling positive. Counselling certainly helps. To be able to blurt it all out, without having to do anything in return.

Life seems very hard for many people atm. Sometimes you aren't doing bad, it just really is hard, if that makes sense?

Still haven't caught up on diaries. Just feel knackered!

Take care,

f x

Thanks Freda!

I liked my response to you so much I copied it on my diary!!! Lol....well - it's true!

....i do appreciate my counsellor. That's what I need to be honest . Someone to talk to who cares enough to listen and also it's very therapeutic to challenge your thought process. We do seem to get on well and I guess it works both ways for us with bouncing those thoughts off each other. Of course it's different with her being my therapist but as I always said - two heads better than one and I am getting so much out of my ramblings...i am learning as I go so it's fantastic feeling for sure! I learned something today I didn't know yesterday and that is what personal growth is all about...

We touched the socialising issue and I was ready to hear what I heard before -" go to the library" ....hmmmmm...instead I heard " start craft club or smthing" Lol...i loved it! We come to the conclusion of me joining the gym lol.

I know I need to socialise. That's part of life isn't it? I got well worse recently with that one...so so stuck I struggle to get out of this routine.

I did contact my vollunteering superiors gone weekend with apology of the lack of support. I was honest - I have no money for the petrol to come. They were understanding and yes...just reminded me that "s***t days pass".

I know it helped me in a past. Helping others while helping yourself is very rewarding!

But....for today. Little steps forward. I am just glad I am able to breathe again and with the help of professional I can hopefully start letting it all go...it is still eating at me, ....but I will find strength to forgive myself for my past mistakes...i have to else I will never break this cycle of self destruction.

Getting deep now huh lol...

Best jog on bk to work!

S&B xx

Hi diary,

Tired today. Did around 15miles yesterday and towards the end felt my feet buckling up. Today they still hurt. I shall be looking into more suitable footwear at work which will hopefully help.

I had a thought yesterday and obvs it is still lingering today so might as well put it down.
Somebody mentioned one of the online slots game yesterday on chat...& I remember having this thought before in my journey.
I see it this way. I rob you and you rob me...lol...seriously, just think. I may got that whatever feature which was rewarded after so much ВЈ been lost by someone else. Maybe that person is in so s**t position now they're making plans to end it all?...we rob from each other not intending to...for many it has massive consequences.

This thinking helped me before...because before I log in and place that bet...i think of you ..maybe even someone from these diaries I will be robbing off.

I'm sure it makes such a big sense huh....well...it does for me.

I don't want to rob anyone so I shall earn my money by grafting hard and even if my feet giving up one me...i will still be walking.

5 days till payday. Fridge on the empty side now. ..but I got potatoes, milk (found it at the doorstep on Tuesday ☺) & 4 slices of bread for fixing sandwiches for work.....

As long as Iil girl is fed, I am not worried too much...life indeed goes on.

Stay safe all

S&B xx

Some more bad news...so sorry diary for negativity...

Mummy been rushed to hospital just now..heart attack was present.

I'm surprisingly holding strong...that is for the next 5 minutes.

Can I please ask who reads at all..say a little prayer for my Mummy...she may be old and poorly...but she shouldn't go just yet.

o*g....cmon..please dear God..

Hi S_J_B

I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope your mum will make a quick recovery.

Stay strong.

You'll be in our thoughts here.

Best wishes

Forum admin

Prayers with you and your mom (((S)))

Thank you Forum admin team, Cathy & Duncs.... xxx

Mum been stabilised and is under close eye of doctors.
She is here and that's the main thing.

I feel like been hit by a truck. Can't recall anything today..maybe shock/ pain.

Just don't know how strong I can be..trully don't know.

Life goes on.

Take care all..stay at peace & PLEASE look after each other and appreciate what you have here & now.

Huge heart hugs from me (((((((S)))))))

I don't know why but I just want to remind you to connect with your breathing while you are going through this. Breathe as deeply and slowly as you can. It will support your body to process the intense emotions. I think I imagine you feeling winded and heavy in your lungs.

You are strong enough. I promise.