Thank you Freda,
I did need to manage my breathing for the biggest part of the day. Felt very poorly myself. Stress makes me sick physically.
Am calmer now..just a little..
It's strange, I absolutely cannot accept the course of nature. Don't know why I have it inbedded in myself that people lives forever.
I will definitely need so much more help if ....if...
She is dipping in and out of peaceful body and mind. We are all on standby presently. She is in good care tho..
I was listening to some songs till early hours yesterday..for some reason Celine Dion hits..brought tears to my face.
Again..insomnia prevails but I have job to do and my girl needs me fit and kicking.
Also...my dad needs a lot more support than I am able to offer now.
Many decisions lies ahead.
Life goes on, prayers have not stopped...my love for mummy will keep her strong.
Thank you
Xx
Hi diary,
Spoken to Mummy. Very nice to hear her voice and tell her how much I love her.
I felt so so guilty last two days for net being able to go back immediately after I found out the news. It killed me inside and I will never get that piece of me back. My own actions. It's like I deliberately put myself in this position.
Sometimes I'm scared of happiness and peace..why? Because it seems that very dark cloud always descends afterwards. ..
Gotta keep working on forgiveness.
This song popped into mind bringing my dear friend Shiny in the forefront of my mind...truly hope you're well darling xx
Xx
Hi Sandra my daughter loves jess plays it loud and sings along! Thanks for you post. Support is heartwarming. I've just read about your mum, I hope she's ok and getting better. We all think they live forever! Keep strong.
Thank you M..... Mummy is holding on, more news to follow tomorrow xx
Diary,
Again. ..sleeps don't come easy. Recent events playing on my mind.
How I managed the worst emotions? I'm very surprised myself. Just by myself..i kept on moving. Working, feeling, breathing...not accepting tho...not yet...
That was it & as you know...its not over...
I am just blessed to have this one..(lil pic) in my life. She keeps my heart beating believe me or not.
God bless my Mummy & family. We don't give up huh....
Nice one!
Life goes on
Goodnight diary
Xx
Read your post M and still thinking about it. Haven't figured out why I so like my own space but on the same hand feeling lonely. Maybe cause I'm used to this. ..i am not sure how to burst this bubble and let anyone in my life again. I fear of pushing peoole away so guess prefer to stay on the safe side by myself even if it gets on top of me too often lately...
Diary,
Feel awful today. We only got up at half 1 and now it's dark outside again...man...where has the day gone?
Very disappointed with GamBan. Tried to access gambling site just to see if I am still protected but by the looks of it not!!! w*f? I emailed them immediately but still awaiting reply. No good if you feel exposed to danger again. I simply don't know when dark cloud will descend and I will go on maniac search for sites to self destruct.
Spoken to Mummy.. sounds a lot better today! ..still, let's keep the prayers close by...they kind of helps me to balance myself out.
Well...i truly neglected myself this past week food wise. Can't look at pasta or rice lol ...bork! Had it for a few days & makes me feel sick.
I need meat! Yes! Meat, potato, salad...yummmmmm....will have a feast on Monday ☺
..ok...thats me. Hoping for a earlier night tonight. It has been right insomnia journey these last few days...
B&S xx
Thank you so much S.J.B., your support and good advice really helped as I came to terms with my stupid gambling blip.
So sorry to read of your mothers ill health. It is very sad when our loved ones are poorly, it makes us feel helpless. I hope the angels gather round and bring comfort to you and your parents.
Thankyou for the songs you recommended, really enjoyed the music and the lyrics really hit home with me.
Take care. Stephen.
Thanks Stephen!!
Early night as planned and hopefully more productive day tom.
Feeling a little at peace but keeping my eyes open for any sudden news....
No gambling...i shall take it.
"Cry just a little & letting it go" ☺
G'night all
S&B xx
Hi diary. .
No gambling to report. Drowning in music this weekend. Another escape from reality...
All's good as long as my loved ones are healthy вќ¤
The way we see the world (watch that volume, Not for faint hearted)
S&B xx
Hi again diary,
So am struggling already...oh how I hate this mindset!
Checked bank and looks like I got paid...guess what...BAM BAM BAM urges is here!!! They're f*****g here already!
Now I'm asking myself...was it lovely to live in bread and water for 3 weeks? Was it nice to feel guilty for not attending work and have those panic attacks due to gambling? Was it nice to sweat every day so you have enough for topping up heating and gas? Was it lovely to scrape the change for some food? Was it nice to look up for food banks? Was it nice to stay indoors every day so you don't get out and "waste" petrol by going to see your family or at least vollunteering!
What about those prayers? What about that killing feeling about your Mummy where you cried your eyes out because your hands were right and you couldn't even buy a ticket to go back and visit!!!
What about money you had to borrow? What about the debt you built up?
Why you ask for help as counselling, installing blockers if on the same hand you turn around and prepare to self destruct again?
What S the point???!!! What is wrong with you ffs!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!
GAMBLING brought you saddnes , pain and devastation. It bloody brought death to your door 3 weeks ago!
Say NO....just say NO if you want to survive another day..dont do this to yourself and everyone around you.
..i truly can't believe this now...
I was thinking of losing myself in music as struggling with thoughts also... Don't do it, this time of year it would be devastating, then worry about January next month..one day at a time
Hi Katie...(((((k)))))
Thanks So much for reply! I was really panicking few hours ago and since I didn't have protection, I have left the gambling door wide open..ohhhh devil did try to get bk in!!!
All sorted now and blocker up & running! It's so crazy innit? We put yourselves through hell..yet, We go back there over and over ago.
One day at a time..that is right. It is hard presently but every day we abstain, it will keep getting easier.
Thank you for your post!
I love music, it helps me to calm down and mostly lyrics makes a lot of sense I relate to ☺
Stay safe...im coming over to your diary lol....knock knock ;-)))
Good afternoon diary,
Just read noddy's update and it broke my heart. The places our compulsion takes us is devastating....such a horrible addiction which just won't stop taking. Just stop and breathe...starve it for one minute, hour, day....and then again tomorrow..its the only way forward. Only our actions can make a difference...it is possible to get out of it's grip. ..i urge everyone struggling to see support. You can hardly break the chains by yourself...
----------
Woke up late after 12hrs sleep. Guess overslept as feel tired already.
So so glad I stayed strong yesterday as urges were so strong and I nearly lost my common sense...again.
Today I paid back what I owe. To my friend and credit card..its not gonna be easy month but little by little, I am walking to the right direction.
Mummy on the mend and getting doctor's visits bk home to monitor her progress. Dad is holding on and looking after her every minute of the day..her birthday on Thursday and I already prepared a little surprise..from My heart...a collage of pictures of her loved ones..truly hope it will make her smile. My lil girl is back to her old self and fully recovered from her op. Sister is holding on also even if is a little on the downer recently. Nephew healthy and happy.
What else I can ask for?..nothing. (just maybe a stressless day at work ☺)
Just for today, I will make the right choice and stay safe.
Wishing the same to all of you too.
S&B xx
Hi diary,
Painful session today. I was told not to be surprised if tough thoughts will linger around for a few days...
Talking about past most definitely hurt...
Another thing I have realised today and God bless counsellor to saying it.
..."don't even think of self love & self care yet...firstly - stop hurting yourself and punishing you for everything...you don't need anyone to look after that girl within you, older you can do the job perfectly"
Moral of the day: only I can change the way I think/ behave and it's true..i need to start with stopping hurt towards myself to start finding love and compassion for the girl within.
NO MORE.
Baby steps forward...
S&B xx
Evening diary, (or shall I say morning)
It was indeed tough day and my muddled thoughts didn't leave me alone.
2 chat entries in a day so I escape my head...lol..not sure if I take my "medicine" too much..dont want to overdose on good stuff!!!.(bad joke ..i know!)
At least I know what I need to do. Accept the reality. I will not get closures on everything and it's something I need to understand and accept. Situation could be much worse....i am miraculously continuing to build my life. I have more than I could ask for and yes..maybe past made me who I am now..maybe it's all not that bad. I live my dream I had few years ago...this is amazing to be honest.
Every day is different. Always has been and always will be. Another thing to accept accordingly.
Sooo..i am actually tired. Don't sleep well since last week. Woke up last night at 6am falling to pit just few hours prior to that...and then up at 8am again...i can feel tiredness catching up on me...plus it's so brrrrrrrr outside! I feel tiredness...Both mentally and physically..guess what is my plan for tommorow lol...yup...Zzzzzzzz if I'm blessed enough ☺
Very slowly sorting my vollunteering out. Don't want to give it up really. It helped me to help others. I am chasing other counties now so it is closer to me so we shall see...maybe something to occupy myself with once again.
Lil girl is well..family holding...im not beating myself up which is the act of kindness in my eyes.
Gooding diary, goodnight world, goodnight GC....
No gambling nor drink to report..just for today.
S&B xx
P.s.
One eye open..this obvs worked lol..
Say no more dear GC friends heh
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